Poison and Wine
by TaylorPaige24
Summary: "On the first page of our story the future seemed so bright. Then this thing turned out so evil. I don't know why I'm still surprise." The secret's out on the table now, staring them down. Can they fight through it or will more secrets be exposed now that a new character is thrown into the mix? Book 3 of 4
1. Black and White

**Disclaimer: **S.E. Hinton owns the _Outsiders_, not me. I don't own the song, _A New Chapter._

_Summary:_ "On the first page of our story the future seemed so bright. Then this thing turned out so evil. I don't know why I'm still surprise." The secret's out on the table now, staring them down. The journey of Danni and Dally continues on.

* * *

_-**"You** talkin' bout that kid who died last week? Sam?" Jennie came over to us with a curious and concerned look on her face. "Did Randy know him?"_

_-**"Yeah,** __Dally_," Ronnie cooed. "Go on an' introduce me to your friends."

_"Who is he?"_

_"He's my brother."_

_-**Marten Dills.** Sixty three years old. Grandfather, father, brother, flower shop owner...fifthly stinking rich bastard. He lived in a big brown house on the hill. He came from family money. His father owned most of the businesses in this town. Once he died, ol Marten collected._

_He was worth thousands and probably more._

_-**Ronnie's** face was pure white and hard. He respectfully nodded, and limped to the gate. "I'm sorry. I really am...for everything."_

_"The best thing you can do at this point is leave," Darry explained. "Get out...now!"_

_-**I eyed** him. "What does Ronnie's bail have to do with anything?"_

_"We never figured out who paid it," he said plainly. "It's just odd. Maybe they got family money he ain't tellin' us about. I don't know. It just seemed weird to me is all. No need to make a big deal about it I don't guess."_

_-**"You're** scaring me," I stressed. I tried to get closer. "Just say something!"_

_"I killed that Soc kid, Curtis. I killed him dead."_

* * *

**_3 Months Later:_**

_I hide out here sometimes. I watch the sunlight leave the skyline. Here I'm safe. I close my eyes and sleep. Tomorrow brings another journey that I will take. I read each line like it's the last. I know this book this time has passed. I need a new chapter to begin._

"What about Jimmy Hicks?"

"Sweat stains Hicks? No way."

"Matt Abby?"

"Flabby Abby? No thanks."

The boys did another lap, Pony leading the front. This was the last day of track practice before the big meet next week in California. Pony was going crazy with excitement. He leaves in twenty minutes. Lots of college scouts are going to be there and he's been training for weeks for this. This could be his future on a plate. You could say we were all on edge.

Sarah and I were on the bleachers eating lunch and watching them. I wanted to say good bye to Pony again before he left and wish him good luck. They were leaving soon. He was kinda bummed he was missing Spring Break this year. Soda and I promised we wouldn't do anything_ too_ fun without him though.

Sarah took another bite of her apple and studied the other boys again. "Logan?"

"No," I told her again.

Sarah rolled her eyes and deeply sighed. "You're never gonna get a date for the prom with that attitude."

Prom was on everyone's mind and it was only March. This year we were allowed to go for the first time and it's all the girls talked about. Dresses and dates, dresses and dates. Even Sarah had fallen into the completely warped group of girls.

"What makes you think I want to go?" I asked, sipping on the rest of my soda. "I don't really do dances anyway Sarah. Prom is just another thing to spend money I don't have on."

Sarah didn't buy it, as I expected. "I know you wanna go and you're going. We can go shopping for dresses together at this shop I know with really cheap stuff. It won't be a big deal, Danni. You can hang with me and Johnny. You only get one junior prom!"

They were still together...going strong.

I played with the chain on my neck, dragging it back and forth and watched the boys do sprints. "I don't have a date and I'm not going with some loser just to have one."

I could feel her eyes on me. They were glued on it like they had been since I told her. "Danni," she said softly. "I don't want to be mean, but maybe...maybe if you take it off, boys would ask."

I stopped playing with the chain, not looking at her. She was right. She'd been saying it for months. She'd been saying a lot of things that she was right about. I let loose of the chain and grabbed my books to meet Pony at the track entrance. "C'mon."

Pony waited for us by the bus, his hair soaked in sweat and his body smelling worse than he looked. I was second guessing this hug I was supposed to give him.

"Good luck," I placed my hands around his waist, avoiding what sweat I could. "Don't break a leg or anything."

He snickered, hugging me back and resting his chin on my head. He'd sprouted up in the past few weeks. He was taller than Soda now and a head taller than me. He looked older than sixteen. "I'll try not to. Don't hit the lake until I get back either!"

"I'll try an' keep Soda away."

He broke the hug and picked up his bags. He looked behind me at Sarah, studying her for a minute before smiling and waving good bye to her. Sarah grinned and watched him get on the bus and drive away as I stood by her.

It wasn't much of a secret any more who Pony had his eyes on. I just hoped he knew what he was doing. After all, he did have better luck than I do in that department. You can never tell what will happen anymore.

* * *

Darry's truck wasn't in the driveway when I got home. I sat on the sofa, eating chips and watching the blank television. It was quite around the house these days. Everyone has become consumed with their own lives that we rarely see any of the gang anymore. We'd all grown up and perhaps, we'd grown apart. Times were different now.

"Where's Kat?" Soda asked, coming into the living room and staring at me. I felt his eyes burning me. "What are you _doing_?"

I crunched another chip in my mouth. "Thinking. Maybe she went to the store or something. Don't you have a date?"

He kept his eyes on me for another minute before making a face and shaking his head. He left and went into Darry and Kathy's room. Jennie and he are never apart anymore and at times...I want to punch them both in the face. They're at the honeymoon stage. That's what Kathy keeps saying. Hell, every day is another day in paradise for those two.

Soda returned a frantic look on his face. I felt the wind as he rushed by me and picked up the phone. His fingers ran over the numbers as he tried to remember. I watched him. "What's going on?"

"Kathy's stuff's gone." He dialed as fast as he could. The busy tone came on and he slammed the phone down. "Damn. Did Darry say anything to you?"

I sat up, starting to slightly panic. "All her stuff is gone? You went through _their _stuff?"

"I was looking for a shirt for my date tonight, yeah. It's all gone, Dan."

I scrambled off the sofa, wanting to make sure of it myself. I felt my face get hot and I had a cold shiver down my spine. Kathy had been living with us for months now. She wouldn't have picked up and left in the middle of the night. She wouldn't do that to us like that. She promised me she'd be here so she was going to be. Soda was just doing his stupid pranks again. That's all it was.

Sure enough though, once I entered the bedroom, the house key lay on the dresser, alone.

* * *

"We broke up, guys," he repeated himself. "She moved out. I thought she'd say good bye or something. I'm sorry she didn't."

The interrogation began as soon as Darry stepped in the door. Soda was playing the bad cop, me the good. He wasn't saying much though. Soda was pacing back and forth in front of him, pressing on that Darry tell us more but Darry wasn't having it. I sat quietly and listened to Darry say the same things over and over again. His tone less than distraught.

"Why did ya'll break it off?" Soda questioned again. "Dar, c'mon! She wouldn't take off like that if nothin' happened. I mean, she didn't even tell us she was leaving! Give us more than a 'we broke up'."

Darry let out a sigh and rubbed his face. "It's my life, Soda. If I wanted to tell ya'll all about my relationship issues, I would." He stood up, brushing himself off. "Now I'm hungry. What's for dinner?"

Soda gawked at him, his hands on his hips like a little old lady. He waited for Darry to say more but he just looked at Soda. "That's it? Darry Kathy is _gone_! What is going on?"

Darry turned his attention to me sitting behind Soda, keeping quite. He raised an eyebrow. "Have you talked to her?"

"No."

Darry went into the kitchen, opened the fridge, and started rummaging around for food. Soda and I followed. Soda stood behind him, still waiting for more. "What's going on, Dar? Did ya'll have a fight or something? Is she pregnant?"

Darry rose up, his eyebrows raised. He smirked and walked over to the cabinets and started hunting there. "She's not pregnant, Sodapop. We just thought it was too much and we were growing a part and she went back home."

"So is she coming back?" I asked.

"You'll have to ask her that. Probably not though. No. She's not, Dan. Sorry."

"What is going _on_?" Soda shouted throwing his arms in the air. "Darry! Are you even listening to me?"

Darry turned back around. He eyeballed me and then Soda. He shrugged loosely. "I can hear you loud and clear, yes. Kathy is gone, I know. She told me. Look, I'm sorry she didn't tell ya'll herself but we've had some problems, she went back home. Simple as that."

"Are you high!" Soda gaped. "You act like you don't even care! You two were going to get married, have a bunch of kids, and all kinds of fluffy gooey stuff like you want to do! Darry, what is going on?"

Darry left the room, a bag of chips in his hands. He went into the living room, turned on the game, propped his feet up, and stuck a handful of chips into his mouth. "You wanna watch the game or what?"

* * *

_"You've been up here for a long time." She entered the room. "Did you like your gifts yesterday?"_

_I peered out from under the blanket. I smiled at her. "Yeah, I did. Thanks. I just...I don't feel too hot today. Tell Darry I'm sorry I can't help take down the decorations."_

_She sat down on the bed, her hand landing on my knee. "Soda's making him keep them up until New Years anyway." She studied me. "Are you sure you're ok? You seem weird. Did something happen the other day with Dally?"_

_"No," I said with another smile. "Everything's fine. We're just on a break right now while he's in jail. That's all. I told ya'll that."_

_She studied my face, leaning closer. I looked away from her so she wouldn't see my eyes. "Danni..."_

_"Everything's fine, Kat," I answered. "Everything is just fine. Trust me."_

A loud bang woke me up the next morning. I jumped up and searched my room. Cold sweat dripped down my face and I was sure I had yet another nightmare. I'd been getting them more and they had been coming in full force. I reached for the bottle of pills beside my bed when there was another bang and then the sound of a motor. I got out of bed.

My sock covered feet slid on the carpet. The banging grew louder and more frequent as I got closer. I got to the screen door, hearing the loud motor again. I stepped onto the porch to see the red Camino in my driveway.

"Danni!" Soda skipped over to me. "Nice outfit." I looked down at my overgrown shirt that came down to the tip of my knees. My face flushed. "Hey, go pack some clothes for about a week, change, and meet me back down here in like ten minutes."

I pulled my shirt down further as Steve came around the car. I narrowed my eyes at Soda, my face getting redder. "What are you doing? Why am I packing?"

"Just go do it!" Steve hollered, loading up the car with bags, explaining the banging I'd heard. "Jennie and Two will be here any minute and I'm not waiting on your ass to put on some fucking pants!"

Sure enough, Two-Bit rolled in on his bike. He lost his car right after Valentine's day. A girl got a little upset after their date ended.

He got off, slinging his helmet off. He examined me and his lips curled. "You know Dal's still in jail, right, Danni-bear? Wearin' no pants ain't gonna do you any good with us."

I pulled Soda by the collar, leading him inside and away from the boys. I slammed the screen door shut. "Mind telling me what the _hell_ is going on?"

Soda wiggled his eyebrows and beamed. "Get your shit, get a bathing-suit, we're going to go to Florida to get Kathy back."

* * *

The wind blew my hair. The air conditioner was broken, Two-Bit had gas, Steve was hungry, Jennie was smoking, and Soda was singing at the top of his lungs. Darry was still at home sleeping. I could picture him getting up right now. Soda left a note. I wondered what good that'd do right about now. Darry was probably already shitting a brick.

Jennie was up front, studying the map. "You take this next exit."

"You're crazy," I said. "I can't believe we're doing this." I couldn't believe I'd gotten in the car. I was still asking myself this fifty miles later.

Soda giggled and cranked the radio up a little louder making the car vibrate. "Well believe it baby sister! Don't tell me you're not excited to spend your Spring Break on the beach neither. I know you."

"I'm just picturing what's going to happen to us when we get home," I pointed out. "You may be too old to be beat but I sure as hell ain't. Darry is going to murder me."

Soda jammed out to the last bit of the song until the next one came on. "Live a little, will ya?"

I rested my head on the window. I let the cool air blow on my face and shut my eyes. I'd lived too much as it was. I didn't know if I wanted to live more or not. Life and I weren't too friendly these days. Life was a _bitch_.

_Dear Dally,_

_Letter number five. It's almost February. Yes, I've caught on that you're never going to write me back. I've caught on that you're not going to see me either. I've caught on to the fact that you're an ass. I went and talked to Tim yesterday. He doesn't know anything. I guess I believe him. I know I shouldn't. I shouldn't believe anyone of the male race. I believe what you let Ronnie tell me. You got that in the other letter. No one knows. I don't why I don't tell. I want to. I couldn't get one damn letter from you. Not even one saying: "oh hey, I hate you, fuck off, you stupid gullible bitch." No, I couldn't even get that. That's Dallas Winston for you though, right? You really know how to leave a girl hanging. I was warned though right from the fucking beginning. I never listen, right? No, I never see what's right in front of me. That's right. I could write you letters about what I'm doing. What I'm doing at night when I'm home - alone, mind you. I could tell you what I tell people when they ask me what happened with us, hell, what happened with you. I could tell you about all the lies I've told for you. I could write you such wonderful letters about my life and we could have a grand old time. You don't care. You probably don't open these. I guess I'm just writing these for myself, even the tear stained ones I used to write. I'm supposed to thank you. You did it for a good reason is what I'm told. It's not the whole truth. I'm still figuring that out. I'm going to figure it out. I'm going to find out what you're hiding. I can't tell you how I feel right now because I don't really know how to put into words how I feel. I wish I could tell you what is going on inside my head so maybe, maybe, you could feel sorry for me. You could feel bad for what you've done to me but I know that's never going to happen. This is you I'm talking to. Sam's six feet under and well...I kinda wish you were right there with him._

_-Danni._

_...No, I don't wish that...maybe._

* * *

We stopped at a Waffle House. We'd gone about two-hundred miles so far. My legs were numb when I got out of the car and I stumbled, almost falling. I still wondered what Darry was doing right now. I'd imagine plotting my death, though, I could be wrong. He seemed pretty chill about everything. Darry is never chill. That's what worries me the most.

"How much money do we have?" I asked as I sipped on my chocolate milkshake. Everyone looked at each other for an answer. I shook my head and licked the end of the straw. "Good planning, Sodapop."

Soda wiped the ketchup off his mouth. "I've got money in the glove box I've been saving for a while. We all brought some but you." He looked to his sides at our companions. "Right?"

"I got five bucks," Two-Bit admitted. "It's bad times, my friend. I could barely get that."

"I thought you were saving up for a car?" Jennie pointed out. "Did some crazy red head ruin that for you too?"

Steve cleared his throat and got out his wallet as Two-Bit tried to kick Jennie from underneath the table, only kicking me. "Hey!"

"I've got about fifty." Steve threw a couple bills on the table. "Looks like we'll all be getting one hotel room and we'll have to go easy on the food and try and save as much gas as possible."

I wondered how Steve had some cash, better yet, I wondered where Evie was right now and why Steve was with us. "What about the way home?" I asked. "Did you think about that?"

Soda pushed his plate forward. "Alright, alright. I may have dropped outta school but I'm no dummy. I can do math. Steve's right, we get one hotel room when we get down there and take turns driving until then. We have enough for the way back once Kathy comes."

"What of Kathy doesn't come?" I asked. "Then what? Get the raging bull to come up and get us?"

Soda gave me a look. "Will you calm down? I've got this, Danni. If all else fails, I'll get Kat to loan me a few dollars for gas. Jesus, you're getting more and more like Darry with each passing day."

I chucked a fry at him. "I repeat myself: this is _crazy_!"

"What are we going to do for tonight?" Jennie asked. "I'll pay for a hotel because there is no way I'm sleeping in that car with four other people packed in there and with the poison this one is laying out." She motioned toward Two.

"Fine," Soda said, scooting Steve out of the booth. "We can only afford one room though."

"Oh no."

"I'm bunking with Danni-bear!"

I grabbed the bill and marched out of the restaurant. I stuck my middle finger in the air and walked. "I hate my life!"

_I walk these streets alone. I see the world around me changing. I'm in a dream. Faces that I knew are slowly turning into strangers I've never seen. I read each line I turn the page. I laugh and cry at this true story. It's time for a new chapter to begin._

* * *

**A/N: **Surprise! I'm back! :) I can't wait any longer so I'm posting it today so I better get some reviews now! I'm not going to say a whole lot about this story and my plans other than I do plan to split it into two parts which you shall see later what that in-tells and what I plan to do for it. I do have a trailer for this story if you are interested in watching it. The link is hopefully on my profile by now.

Thank you for starting another journey with me. :) Please review your thoughts.**  
**


	2. Strokes of Everything

**A/N: **Thank you all so very much for the reviews! I can't remember the last time I got that many for a chapter so I really thank ya'll! I promise answers will come chapter-by-chapter. I promise you that you'll learn something new every update. :)

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the _Outsiders_ or the song _Speeding Cars_.

* * *

_Here's the day you hoped would never come. Don't feed me violins just run with me through rows of speeding cars. The paper cuts the cheating lovers. The coffee's never strong enough. I know you think it's more than just bad luck. _

_You could cut the tension in the room with a knife. He wouldn't look at me. I wouldn't look at him. I couldn't feel anything and I wondered if I could even move. I felt the hot tears already starting to form and when I tried to swallow them back, the damn broke._

_He got up, standing. He turned his back to me and started to inch away._

_"Wait!" I called for him. He stopped. "You're just going to leave...after that?"_

_He let his shoulder slump. He didn't turn around. Just stood there. "What do you want me to do?"_

_I tried to think of an answer but I couldn't come up with one. There were too many. My mouth was watering and everything inside of me had become numb. My vision was getting blurry from the tears but I couldn't feel my arm to reach up and brush them away._

_"You should go." He used the same monotone voice he had been. There was no hope in this voice. No ray of sunshine. It was just there. Dark and ill. It was this voice that made me shake as everything was still sinking in._

_I got the strength to lift my head up. "What?"_

_"Go home," he said sourly. "There's nothing for you here anymore. Just go."_

_I sat dumbfounded. I searched my mind for something but nothing was there. Something had died and I was feeling it throughout my whole body. I started to get sick again. "That's it? C-can...can you not talk to me? Tell me what..."_

_I couldn't finish that sentence._

_"Talk to Ronnie if you want someone to talk to," he said with the same tone as before. "He'll tell you what you need to know. I've got to go. You need to too. There's nothing more to talk about, Curtis. Just go."_

_I stared, wanting more. He didn't move, still standing in the same place. Realizing there really wasn't anything more, I gathered my stuff slowly, my whole body shaking. I wished it'd been me to make the decision to leave but it wasn't. Even after hear that, it was still him who was shooing me out. I held onto the wall, fearing I'd fall when I got up._

_Then he said it, just like he'd said everything else, expect, this was much more harsh. "Don't come back, Curtis."_

"We're the only one's up." Jennie nudged me with her elbow. "You ok? You look white."

I lifted my head off the window, wiping the drool off my face with my hands. I nodded and smiled at her. "Yeah, I'm alright."

She kept sneaking glances at me as time wore down. I kept my head on the window and pretended I didn't see her. I'd been getting those looks a lot lately from her, Sarah, and at one point, Kathy. She didn't know. No one did. "How goes it?"

"I'm fine, Jen." I twisted the chain around my finger, over and over again. "You can quit treating me like a mental patient. Three months later and we really have to do this? I just...I really hate people asking me that."

She glanced at the chain and sighed. "We'll have fun this week. I have to admit though, you're taking everything oddly well...like bunking with Two last night. I thought you'd throw a hissy fit all night."

"Yeah, that wasn't the highlight of my life, Jen." Very far from it. "You just gotta roll with the punches like that. I've gotten pretty used to doing that so no, Two-Bit's sweaty body touching me all night didn't bother me."

Jennie shot me another look. "You know you can talk to me about it, right? You're my friend too. Just because I'm dating your brother now doesn't mean you can't tell me things. I won't tell Sodapop."

"I know." I breathed in the cold air. I could smell the cool mist of the beach and the salt. "I'm really fine, Jen. It's been months."

I could feel her still watching me. I curled up against the door. "He was really worried about you. Sodapop. He thinks you're fine too."

I raised an eyebrow. I already knew the answer before I asked it, "And you don't?"

"I just know you," she said. "I know more than he does or anyone else for that matter, but if you say you're ok, you're ok. You act like it anyway so maybe you are. I don't know. It's your feelings so..."

I kept my eyes shut and let the fresh air tingle my lungs. She didn't know anymore than anyone else but I let her have it. "I'm ok, Jen. I'd tell you if I wasn't." I smiled. "How are you and Soda?"

She looked in the review mirror at him. A smile immediately appeared on her face. "I've never meet anyone like your brother before."

"Neither have I."

"I'm hungry," Two-Bit sat up from the back, his hair and face a mess. He rubbed his head. "Jesus where are we? How much longer 'till we get to the booby mother land?"

Jennie stared at him through the mirror. "The what?"

"He thinks he's going to meet the broad of his dreams," Steve muttered, his face hidden by Soda's armpit. "He heard of some nude beach and he's determined to find her there."

Soda grumbled, getting up himself. "The day he finds the _perfect broad_, is the day my hair falls out."

"Which is never, right?" I grinned at him, flashing my teeth.

Two-Bit scoffed, getting comfortable again and curling up. "It'll fall out if I cut it off."

Soda whistled. He shook his head and covered his face back up with his arm. "Sure, Two."

Two-Bit propped his feet on top of Steve and grumbled loudly, clearly annoyed, "You're one to talk about girls anyway, Stevie."

Steve forcefully knocked Two-Bit's legs off his and rolled over to the other side, huffing and puffing all the way. "You need to shut up about _my_ problems. At least I got a girl to call my own. When was the last time a girl gave you anything?"

"You might not have one for long."

Steve fully sat up and got close with Two, their noses almost touching. "It ain't funny! You don't know two flying shits about what's going on so why don't you shut your ignorant fucking goddamn mouth before I-"

"Hey," Soda spoke up before Two-Bit had time to react and punch Steve's lights out. "This is a _fun_ trip. Not the: hate on everything trip. We're gonna be happy and have fun so pipe down! Jennie, how much further?"

* * *

"I saw a post card of this place on it at the gas station," Jennie said, leading the pact. "C'mon! You guys are so slow!"

The sun was setting fast and the fast it sat, the fast Jennie moved. Two-Bit was way back, slipping and falling all over the rocks. Soda was up top with Jennie, painting as he tried to keep up with her, and I found myself beside Steve.

I clung to the straps of my book bag and followed suit. "She really likes this stuff," I said. "Hiking and things."

"Uh-huh."

"It must be beautiful at the top," I said, kicked a rock out of our path. "It's really high up there, ain't it?" He held out his hand, helping me up a big rock. He smirked once I got on my feet and went on. "What?"

He shook his head, trying to catch up to Jennie and Soda. "You're really trying hard."

"At what?"

"Everything."

Jennie beamed down from the top. She waved for us to come up. "You guys are going to miss it! Two-Bit, you ok down there?" He help up a thumb and doubled over to catch his breath again. Jennie laughed and sat down on the cold rocks.

I got up and sat beside her, looking out into the horizon. "How much longer until it goes down?"

Soda got out the big bag of chips he'd picked up at the last gas station and passed some to Steve. His hand tangled up with Jennie's and we waited for it. The sky was orange as could be already. I could only imagine what it'd look like in a few minutes.

Two got to the top just as the sun was setting. Jennie and Soda awed at the mask-era of orange and yellow colors that seemed to dance in the sky. Steve leaned back against the rock and relaxed, watching it just like the rest of us. I held my knees to my chest and looked out into the sky just as the sun was about gone.

Jennie took me hiking right after Christmas...in the snow. It wasn't the time of year for hiking but she insisted we go so I could clear my mind. She, just like everyone else on the day after Christmas, heard about me. I think the whole town knew by that point, I just wouldn't go out to make sure of it myself. I didn't care too much for gossip. Let them talk. They didn't know. No one did.

It was just me and Jennie and she kept pressuring me to tell her the story everyone who knew me wanted to know. Real friends don't buy your lies. That's one thing. My family, I'd gotten pretty good at convincing them of my lies by now. Not all of the lies even belonged to me. I don't know why I didn't tell them the truth. To save my own ass I guess.

So the more Jennie pressed, the more annoyed I got. I told Jennie just what I'd told everyone else: Dallas Winston and I, Danni Curtis, are taking a break while he is in jail. He wants me to enjoy the outside world. So we are on a break until he gets out. We just need some time apart. No, no. Everything's just fine. We just need some air and now that he's away, it's as good as a time as any.

Jennie didn't buy it. So I caved...but not everything.

* * *

We got in around one in the morning. I'm laying in bed, watching everyone sleep. Two-Bit had me on the edge of the bed, his arms spread out. Jennie was facing me, Soda's arm wrapped around her, spooning her body. Steve was on the floor. I think he finally feel asleep. He was still up a few hours ago. I didn't sleep. When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep or awake.

I got up and grabbed a towel from the bathroom. I slipped out the door, trying not to wake anyone.

This wasn't the first night I'd gone without sleep. Nightmares had taken over my dreams. It wasn't hurting me anymore to go without it for a day or two. I hardly noticed. Darry took me to a doctor when he found out about it and the nightmares and got me checked out by all kinds of doctors and had me talk to someone. I insisted I was fine, like I had been. The doctor he sent me to gave me some different pills to make me feel better. I worked without them, keeping on. I didn't need them to make me feel ok. I was fine.

Quickly, Darry and everyone else noticed I was.

I wondered what Darry was doing right now. He probably didn't sleep last night either. Soda was going to call soon to let him know we made it and we were fine. I expected Darry to follow us down here. He still might. I didn't tell Soda that though.

I got down to the pool. No one was there considering it was around six in the morning. That was just a good guess. It was probably earlier than that by now. I don't look at clocks. The pool wasn't in the best of shape but it was a pool and it smelled nice and sorta clean. It had leaves in it from the palm tress surrounding it and a bug or two.

I sat down, letting my feet ease into the warm water. I splashed the water with my toes, kicking my feet up and down before I got out a cigarette and lit it. I held the smoke in longer and exhaled slower.

_"What happened? You owe me that much to tell me."_

_He paused, thinking it over. He knew better than to tell me. He didn't follow my orders. He followed his brother's. "I don't know if-"_

_"Dally told me to call you," I informed him with a slight snap. "He told me you'd tell me what happened or at least what he wants you to tell me anyway. I'm sure you won't tell me everything. He probably already got to you. You're all the same."_

_There was a deep sigh on the other end of the phone. I knew I was giving Ronnie the third degree. Ronnie was never my favorite person, and right now, he especially wasn't. "You and Dal-"_

_"He dumped me," I said bitterly. I rotated the phone to my other ear and gulped back a sob just hearing myself say those words. "He won't write me back, he won't see me, he won't talk to me. You're all I got right now. I'm not in the right state of mind right now. You don't want to test me."_

_Ronnie hesitated. "He dumped you?"_

_"Is it really that hard to believe?" I said. I tasted the sour bitterness of my tone. "I just really need something to go on. You're not on my best friend list and I know I ain't on yours but I need this from you, so please, please tell me something."_

_Silence filled the other line. I pressed my head against the wall, thinking he hung up. I chocked on a sob, then he spoke up. "Alright, alright. I'll tell you some. It's not what you wanna hear, Dan. You sure you want me to tell you?"_

_Cold fresh tears rolled down my cheek slowly. "Start with the flower shop guy, Ronnie. Tell me everything. It won't hurt me anymore than it already has."_

The sun came up a few minutes ago and I knew everyone would be getting up to catch the beach. I watched my smoke float into the air, not wanting to move. The water felt good on my sore feet. My head was starting to take blows from the lack of sleep and I dried swallowed another pill, hoping this one would work. If not, I'd take another later.

Kathy lives twenty minutes from here. I don't know how Soda knows that but he does. She's living with her mom and dad. They moved here and bought a retirement home right after she graduated and went off to college. She starts working at the local hospital on Monday and she has a house phone.

Soda called it last night and hung up.

I didn't know what he expected to happen. Something had happened with Darry and Kathy and it was probably something we couldn't fix. I was willing to try. I wanted Kathy back more than Soda even, but I also knew there was little to no hope. Soda had hope. He had hope in a lot of things. He always has. His hasn't been broken down and beaten.

I pulled my knees to my chest and rested my chin on them.

I did wonder what happened to Kathy and Darry. They argued a lot. They had before she moved in and Darry always said it helped them as a couple to argue and get everything off their chests. I always thought that was a bunch of crap. Darry could argue with a wall. It didn't matter to him.

Maybe that's what happened. Maybe they grew apart. Paradise never lasts. I know.

* * *

"I can't believe he's wearing that," Jennie giggled, taking another look at what she was referring to. Two-Bit's lacking of a bathing-suit. "Maybe he will find the perfect girl wearing that thing."

I kept my eyes forward. I'd saw too much of him in the last five minutes than I ever wanted to. "Let's hope so."

"Sodapop, babe, take the shirt off." Jennie locked arms with him, looking him up and down at the attire he decided to wear. His whole body was covered by a long sleeve shirt and his face covered by a cap. Jennie jerked it off. "Soda-"

Soda quickly snatched it back, shoving it back on his head. "It's hot. I don't wanna get burned, Jen." He ran off to catch the boys in the ocean, a big wave knocking them clear off their feet. They didn't say anything about Soda's clothes. Steve had mentioned it once to me, saying that it made him feel better about everything. Steve was trying to get him to come around, taking baby steps.

"He does this thing now," Jennie said. "He won't wear short sleeves because you can see where the patches are. He's growing his hair out like that not because he likes it but because it hides his face better. I'm surprised he wore shorts."

I gazed out into the ocean at him. Soda's scars weren't as visible as they once were. He walks with a slight limp which he's also self-conscious about. He worked all winter to get rid of it so now you hardly notice it's there. Doctors say he's physically fine now. He'd just like to think differently. Soda's always relied on his looks. He won't say it, but he's always known he was the handsome one out of the family and that's been who he's always been known as. The _handsome_ one.

He still is, but when Soda looks into the mirror, the scars are dark and large. Darry is convinced that he'll drop it once time goes on and the scars will just be little marks but the rest of us see something different in Soda. I don't want to say it, but it's like something is broken inside of him. Something that was there before has been smashed down and it's gone. He's not quite the same.

Jennie shook out a towel as I adjusted the umbrella behind us. She lay down on her stomach and motioned me to do the same. "So you and Soda are going to go see Kat today?"

"That seems to be the plan." Soda's already came up with a list of things to say to say to her. It's still early, considering we've only been here a day but he wants to take it slow and not scare her away.

"They just moved in together too. It's awfully weird how it just happened like that. I always thought it was weird though, having your brother and his girlfriend live with you...sleeping in _one_ bed."

"We try not to think about it," I said with a chuckle. "I think she's the only girl he's been..._with_. Not that I really want to know all about it but living with all boys, you tend to hear things."

Jennie wrinkled up her nose. "He didn't have sex in high school?"

"With Kathy. It was their senior year. After prom. Don't ask me how I know that but I do."

"Well you don't have to worry about me and you're brother."

"I don't even want to hear about, Jen." I held up a hand, stopping her in her tracks before I heard her say it. "You may be my friend, but he's still my brother and I really don't wanna hear about when he has..._it_."

Jennie laughed as she readjusted herself on her towel. "You can't even say it." She splashed some sand on my back. "It's sex, Danni. Not the black plague. And I just told you, you don't have to worry."

I had to make a sarcastic smirk hearing that. "You're trying to tell me ya'll don't have...sex? Sorry Jen, but I'm not buying it. I know my brother, sadly, and I know just how..._boyish_ he is about the subject."

"I do too," she said plainly with a shrug. "He's told me. We haven't had sex, Danni. Ask him yourself."

"I'd rather not." I stuck my tongue out, making a gagging noise. "I still don't believe you though."

"It's true!" she stressed. "We just haven't. He wants it to be special and I just...you know, it's not the most exciting thing in the world to me. It's just sex. I don't see the big deal in it."

I knew how she felt about the subject. I'm not the only one who's shared secrets in this friendship. "So you're going to wait 'till marriage or something?"

"Don't even say that word," she groaned loudly. "No. It'll probably come soon, I guess. I'll be sure to tell you the _details_ though," she joked with a smirk.

"Joy."

"You just worry about your other brother." She stood up, stripping down to her bathing-suit, revealing her slim white curves. "That's why we're all here right? Make some miracles happen, Danni Curtis."

Yeah, I'm really good at that.

**XXXX**

My insides twisted into tight knots as we walked on the porch, standing in front of Kathy's parent's house. I insisted to Soda that we let Kathy know before we bombard her but he liked the idea of surprised. He said all we were doing was talking. Trying to figure out what happened to the so called 'perfect' couple that lived on our lane.

I made an O with my mouth and blew out air I'd been holding in. Soda grinned and held my hand making me feel a tad better. It was the feelings deep down in my stomach that was making me worry about this talk. The thought of seeing Kathy's face and not knowing what kind of anger or emotion that might come out of me. I didn't know if I could control this. I didn't know how I felt about Kathy. I hadn't obtained and opinion but I had a feeling I was about to.

Before we could knock, the door opened. Her face dropped and then turned white. "Oh lord, not you."

_Sleeping pills know sleeping dogs lie never far enough away. Glistening in the cold sweat of guilt. I've watched you slowly winding down for years. You can't keep on like this...now's a bad a time as any. There there baby it's just text book stuff it's in the ABC of growing up._

* * *

**A/N: **Thank you for reading. :)


	3. Lord Knows

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the _Outsiders_ or the song _Houdini_.

* * *

_Rise above, gonna start the war! What you want, what you need, what'd you come here for? Well, an eye for an eye and an 'F' for fight. They're taking me down as the prisoners riot. Got shackles on, my words are tied. Fear can make you compromise._

"Why are you guys here?" she asked, her tone harsh and uninviting. She stood in the doorway, her arms crossed. Her hair was messy and she wasn't wearing any make-up and her clothes were stained. "Does Darry know you're here?"

She held the door open and we entered. The house was small but like a Barbie beach house. The walls were teal and had purple trimming and her little living room was decorated to match the theme. Kathy's family always had some money. I knew that.

Soda sat down first, folding his hands together. "We were in the neighborhood, thought we'd drop by." He laughed but no one else did.

I didn't sit. I stared out the screen door. It had a perfect view of the beach. It was right on the beach actually. I could see everyone playing and building sand castles. I could see the waves wash in and then pull back out. It smelled like the ocean in here.

"What did Darry tell you guys?"

Soda cleared his throat. He looked to me as if he wanted to know if I wanted to talk. I didn't say anything. "Nothing. He told us you just moved out basically. We were hoping you'd tell us the truth."

I crossed my arms over my chest and looked at her reflection through the glass. "Ya'll drove all the way out here for that?"

"Pretty much," Soda answered with another nervous giggle.

Kathy looked at me, a puzzled look on her face that soon went soft again. She shook her head and looked down at the gray carpet. "I-I'm sorry ya'll did that but there's nothing to say. I'm sorry ya'll wasted a trip but-"

"You're not going to tell us," I finished for her.

Soda and her both stared in my direction. When I didn't say more, Soda swung back around to Kathy. "Why not? C'mon, Kat. We just want to help here. We don't want to pry but he's are brother and we're concerned. We came all this way and-"

She stood up, shaking her head over and over again. "I'm sorry, Soda. I know you're trying to help but Darry and I are _over_. We both agreed on it. I tried to make it work but we just can't agree on anything but this."

"Kathy-"

"You need to talk to Darry," she rushed to say. "That's all I can tell you. This is not my place anymore."

I watched the waves come back and then go away again. Over and over again. I felt their eyes on me but I didn't say anything. I was listening. I was listening to every fucking word she was saying. The more she said, the tighter my fists got.

Kathy searched the room. "You guys should go."

Soda rose up, taking her hand, being the sensitive one like always. The caring one that was going to make everything better. The healer. "Kathy, come on now, we're family. We just want to talk. Work things out."

Kathy jerked away from his touch. "There's nothing to work out." Her eyes turned to me. "I'm sorry but there's not."

"There has to be something," Soda pressed on, still reaching out to her. "Think of all the good times, Kat. You two were in love. Hell, I'd never seen him like he was when you were around. You're the only girl he's ever acted that way about."

Kathy's eyes still had a lock on me as if she thought I couldn't see her. "Is he upset?"

Soda paused and looked to the ground. "Yeah...he is."

Kathy's eyes started to water. She got away from Soda and wiped her face, doing little things like organizing the magazines. Anything she could do not to see or talk to us. "I am really sorry. I just can't tell you guys what you want."

"We'll be here all week," Soda said. "Maybe later we can meet and talk again." He placed a hand on her shoulder, making her stop. "I am sorry. It's tough...I know."

Kathy sighed and touched his hand. "I'm sorry. I really am."

"No you're not," I said for the first time. "You can't even sound like you are."

All eyes glued on me again. Soda's face gave me a warning through the reflection but I ignored it. "Dan-"

I turned around slowly and saw Kathy's eyes with my own. "If you were sorry, you'd tell us you were leaving. We didn't even get that. We had to come home to find all your stuff gone. No note. No explanation and still none. You haven't said a word to me yet."

"I-I'm sorry. You don't understand, Danni," she said with a shrug. "There's a lot of stuff going on. Stuff I can't say."

"Oh bullshit," I spewed.

"Danni..."

I stared walking towards her. "You didn't have to go like that. How do you think that made us feel? Me feel? You picked up and _left_. We were never going to see you again and you were just fine with that. It didn't even bother you!"

"Sure it did!" she argued back, starting to grow defensive. "You don't think I was upset? I cried until my face was numb. I loved you guys. You were more than just my boyfriend's siblings. I lost ya'll and him both in one day. It hurt like hell."

"Then why did you leave?" I started to yell. "Why did you leave me like that if I meant _more_ to you?"

Tears gathered up in her eyes again and she looked to Soda for help but Soda was done being on her side of things. He knew all the things I was saying were true. He'd thought them himself. He didn't know how I felt though. He didn't know what this felt like...having this happen again.

My own face felt hot. I could feel tears that wanted to be let loose. I held them in. "You _abandoned_ me."

"Danni..." She reached out for me. I backed away. "I-I...I didn't do that. You don't understand. Don't be mad at me. You have no idea what I'm going through and what has happened. Just please don't blame me, Danni. I'm _begging_ you."

I scowled, my chin quivering. "I know what it feels like. I know exactly what you_ feel_ like. You still left, Kathy. You left like we meant nothing to you. You left Darry flat on his face just like the rest of us."

"You don't understand and I wish I could give you answers to prove that but I can't," she explained. "I love your brother enough not to tell you all of this. It's his job not mine!"

I shook my head. "Don't give me that. I needed you." I swallowed the rising lump. "You were like my sister. I told you everything! You told me you'd be there for me but you're just like the rest of them! Just like all the other people who come in and out of my life. You left just like the rest of the people who supposedly loved me!"

It grew quiet when Kathy had nothing to say back. She just stared at me, tears slowly running down her face. I wiped mine away and turned to Soda who took hold of my hand. "We should go."

We inched towards the door, leaving Kathy in the same spot. I turned back around and looked at her. "Darry's not the only one you left Kathy. Did you ever think about that?"

I slammed the door shut behind me.

* * *

_"Who gave you bail? Who paid for Dally's lawyer?" I asked. "Can you tell me that?"_

_There was a long deep sigh on the other end. Ronnie wasn't telling me anything that I didn't already know and he was starting to beat around the bush on every question. "No. I can't tell you that."_

_I rubbed my head. This was the fifth questions he 'couldn't answer'. "Why can't you?"_

_"I just can't. You don't understand, I know," he said. "I can't help you understand though, Dan. This is really isn't my place to say anything and I don't know why Dally didn't just tell you himself because I can't tell you anything and he knows that."_

_That's exactly why he told me to call Ronnie. I wasn't going to hang up the phone until I got something. As frustrated as I was, I kept trying. "You can't tell me what happened with Sam. You can't tell me what happened with the flower guy. What can you tell me?"_

_"I don't know," he said, exasperated. "I forgot how bull headed you were before I agreed to this conversation."_

_"Then tell me something!" I begged. "Tell me a story, Ronnie. Tell me why you came to Tulsa. Why Dally killed Sam. Where you were that night. What happened with the flower shop guy? Who paid bail? Tell me anything!"_

_There was a long silence on the other end of the phone. I had made up my mind that if he hung up I'd keep calling. I had to get some answers. There were too many. Finally, he answered me. "I killed the flower shop guy."_

_I held my breath. A slight relief was lifted off my shoulders and I breathed out. "What happened that night?"_

_I sensed he didn't want to go into details and was growing tired of this game. "I don't really know, Dan."_

_I took a deep breath, trying to control my angry side. It wouldn't do me any good to snap at Ronnie, he was my only hope right now and I needed him. "So you did kill the flower shop guy? You shot him?"_

_"I didn't mean to. It wasn't supposed to go down like that, but yeah." There was a pause on the other end. I waited for him to collect himself. "Dally let my ass have it too. He was mighty pissed. He didn't sleep at all that night."_

_I remembered that morning. That morning when we all got up and went down town. Dally had told me he'd been working a closing shift at work and that's why he looked so tired. "What was the point? Why did you go to him? To rob him? Why?"_

_I was asking too many questions. I sensed Ronnie was getting tired of filtering everything out and just wanted to hang up. I didn't know why he just didn't. Maybe I was wrong about Ronnie. "Listen, I didn't mean to kill that guy. Believe me when I say it kills me to think about that night even to this day. I'd never...I'd never seen a dead body before."_

_This is the time when I'm supposed to be sympathetic. Tell him I'm sorry Dally took him there. I'm sorry that happened to him. I don't really feel too sorry about anything right now though, but I still needed Ronnie for a few more minutes. "Sorry."_

_"You want me to tell you the whole story to everything and I can't. We were going to rob him, yeah. My gun...Dally's gun - the guy tried to grab it from me and I got scared and next thing I knew there was blood everywhere."_

_I told him how sorry I was again though I didn't mean it and I know I should. Ronnie isn't my enemy anymore. He's halfway around the country, as far as I know. That may be another lie. I don't really care about that right now._

_"So Dally flipped shit. Grabbed the gun and pushed me out the door. I wanted to call someone but the gun wasn't registered in Dally's name but someone else's and he told me not to. So he ditched the gun and took me back to his place. I sneaked out the window when he was in the shower and got Emily. I was so pissed at him and I needed to just get away so I took her and we left."_

_Everything was coming together now. "So that's why Dally was so mad when we found you and Em in the woods."_

_"It was our safe house," he said quietly. "I didn't think they whole town would come looking for me, but yeah. I was apparently ruining all his plans. In the end he just told me to leave town, don't tell anyone where I was going, cut all contact, and never show my face in Tulsa again. He made sure I listened that time."_

_"Why though?" I asked, wanting to get to the point. "Why did you want to rob him? You can't tell me why he killed Sam. You're not going to tell me anything about that night so-"_

_"I'll tell you some. Don't ask me why...on anything. Don't use that word. We needed the money, Danni. It was right after the cops started to get suspicious. We needed to do something so we went to get the money so-"_

_My chin quivered. "So you could both get the hell outta dodge." My heart sank to my stomach and I slid down and sat on the cold ground. Tears ran down my face as I dropped the phone, making it bang on the floor. I covered my mouth and sobbed._

Everyone was looking into their drinks. Two-Bit finished off his and got another one and drowned it. Soda told them how well our talk went. He told them it wasn't looking good but he wanted to talk to Kathy again. I didn't know why.

Two-Bit was down at the end of the bar, eating peanuts. Steve went down and joined him and soon, Soda did too, leaving me and Jennie alone with our bucket of peanuts.

Jennie scooted over to the seat next to me. "You alright?"

"She just thinks she did nothing wrong," I said. "She thinks it's not her fault that it's Darry's. She says we need more information to judge yet she won't give us any." I shook my head and took another drink of my Ginger Ale. "She makes me so mad."

Jennie cracked open another nut. "You think she'll come back like Soda says?"

"Do you?" She shook her head, popping the nut in her mouth. I looked around her at the guys at the end. Everyone was around Steve and he had his head in his drink. "What's going on with Steve anyway?"

Jennie hesitated before answering. "It's Evie."

Evie and Jennie had become close friends ever since they met. I never thought about it before but they are a lot alike and Evie hasn't had anyone since Sandy left and they called quits on that relationship. Jennie and Evie tell each other everything right now.

Suddenly, Steve slammed his fist on the bar and jumped up. "Yeah well, it's my fucking life! I don't want to hear it!"

Jennie and I watched him storm out of the bar. No one followed him. Jennie just sighed and turned back around. "It's bad all over, Danni. Everyone has issues."

It is bad all over. I already knew this. I was living through it.

* * *

The next day it was raining which meant no beach or pool. No one was really talking, just watching the static on the television. We were living off of gas station food, too afraid we may not have enough money to get home. Soda gave up the dream of Kathy coming home and I think I ruined the borrowing money plan.

"Maybe we should just go home now," I suggested.

Soda had his head face fist in his pillow. "I'm not giving up."

I leaned back down and let my body fall on the bed. My head hurt and I thought about taking some medicine but didn't chance it. I stared at the ceiling and sighed. "What are we gonna do Soda?"

Soda got up and scooted back on the bed and picked up the phone. "Call Darry. He's probably freaking out. Maybe Kat called him."

"She didn't seem to be on a talking basis with him."

Everyone else was intently watching TV, not even noticing us. Soda held the phone to his ear, motioning for me to come over and press my ear to the other end. I switched beds and listened to the dial tone.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Dar," Soda said chipper. "It's Sodapop."

There was a long deep sigh on the end and Soda and I both made a face. Here it comes. "What in God's fucking hell were ya'll thinking? Where are you? This isn't like ya'll! What were you thinking Sodapop?"

Soda winced, the screaming making his ears and mine ring. He held the phone out a little from him. "Sorry, Darry. We just...it's spring break and we needed some time to ourselves. We thought you did too."

"Where are ya'll?"

"Um...Texas."

"Texas?" I whispered. "You didn't tell him in the letter what we were doing?"

Soda pushed me over and waved me away, making sure Darry didn't hear me. "We'll be home in a few days. Don't worry about it none. I'm taking care of Dan. We're all right. Just...Just get some rest, Dar."

"It's not Danni who needs to be taken care of," Darry said, his tone slightly calm again. There was another sigh. "I'm going to kill you both when you get back. You know that, right?"

Soda grinned from ear to ear. "I figured. It was my idea. Not Dan's though, Dar."

"You're still both dead when I get my hands on you," he said, fully calm now. It shocked me he wasn't getting in his car as we speak. "If you would have just asked I would have let you go."

Soda sneered. "I thought it'd be more fun this way."

"Sure, sure." I could sense an eye roll. "Be careful, will ya, little buddy? Don't get your ass into any trouble, you dig?"

Soda gave me a thumbs up. This wasn't Darry on the other end. I sighed, realizing there was more to this than what we had figured. We were over our heads. Soda can't fix everything. No one can. I could try. That's all I knew how to do.

* * *

I slowly walked up to the door, rethinking this. Soda agreed to it. He thought it was a better idea really. He didn't realize what was going on inside of me that wanted to come out and hash out it's fury on Kathy. He wasn't here to put a leash on it either.

I didn't know why I was here. Sure, it was my idea. My idea to talk to Kathy. To try and make things right and maybe get her to open up. Maybe it was my curiosity that brought me back here. Maybe it was my will to keep fighting for something though my body said differently. I hadn't fought in a long time. Maybe that's why I'm here.

I knocked twice. If she didn't come in thirty seconds, then I was leaving. I'd already made up my mind.

The door opened. Her mouth slightly hung on she saw me, then she crossed her arms. "Wow."

"Can I come in?" I asked.

She raised an eyebrow and paused but finally let me in. She didn't uncross her arms as she led me back into the living room and took a seat with me. She eyed me down. "Is this going to be like yesterday?"

I shook my head. "I hope not."

"I told you everything I could yesterday," she said, crossing her legs. "I don't know what more you want other than to yell at me some more but I figured you'd got all of it out yesterday."

I rubbed my head. "Yeah, I didn't mean to sound that way. I've just...I just don't understand. Sure, you can't tell me. I suppose I understand and respect that. It's just hard, finding out someone left you like that with nothing."

"That wasn't the plan," she said bitterly. "Do you really think I'd leave that easily? I wanted to say good bye but I knew you'd ask and I just can't tell you. I thought it'd be easier this way and I guess I was wrong, but don't think it was easy for me, Dan."

I swallowed and looked to the side. "It was just a shock. Then Darry wouldn't even say. I didn't know what to think. I haven't been that angry in a while. Yesterday was the first time I yelled in months."

She studied me. I kept my face away from hers. I didn't want her to look at me, to judge me like she felt something for me. Deep down, I still loved Kathy and it killed me to sit here and play nice with her when all I wanted to do was hurt her.

"You had a lot to say," she said. "I wondered if it was all meant for me or not."

I scowled. "It was."

She took a deep breath and leaned up, trying to get a better view of me. "I'm still here for you, if you want me to be. Just because Darry and I are over doesn't mean you and I have to be. I have a phone. You can always call if you need anything."

"I needed you." My face turned. "Don't try and make everything ok, Kat. It's not going to be."

"Look I know you're upset about more than just this-"

"Don't!" I screeched. "Don't try and pin that on me. I'm _fine_. That's not what upsets me. I'm sick of people thinking that! Everyone looks at me and that's what they think every fucking time. Every time I cry, yell, show some fucking emotions, they pin it on that. Well, that's not my problem. I've moved on. I'm fine!"

She scratched her head, taking in a sigh. "Danni, I'm not trying to pin that on you. I'm just trying to help."

"I don't need your help anymore."

"Fine," she said with a snap. "I don't know what you want then."

I shook my head. "I want an explanation."

"Talk to your brother," she repeated. Hearing those words again made my blood boil. "I can't tell you that. He's the one that needs to. Maybe once you figure it out you'll realize how mean your words to me really are."

I stood up quickly. "I'm being mean to _you_? So leaving in the middle of the night like some dead beat dad isn't being mean?"

"I told you I was sorry!" she screamed back. The heat was turning up. "I did it for a good reason! I'm sorry you can't see that past your damn stubbornness but it's true. I can't tell you, ok! I can't!"

I caught my breath. It was raging and I tried to calm my angry nerves that were screaming at me. The feeling inside of me that told me to destroy her. "Fine. You're a real act Kathy Henson."

"What?"

"You try an' make everyone think you're this sweet angel," I said. "Made of cookies and sugar. You act like you're sensitive and that you care about people but in real life, you couldn't give a shit! And I fell for it. Congrats..._bitch_."

Her jaw feel. She stared at me in disbelieve. She closed her mouth and that's when the tears started to fall. "I've always cared about you. I've always been there for you. I've wiped the tears off your face! I've stood up for you, always!"

"And yet, here you are."

Silence filled the room. Tears took over Kathy's face and she sniffled, grabbing a handful of tissues. She waited for more from me but my breath was gone and all I could do was stand and watch her break down. I watched her suffer - die.

The back door slammed open, a guy entering and examining the room. His eyes meet mine. "Danni?"

_Yeah I'm scared but I disappear. Running around before it corners you. I can't go because my life's a wreck. I know that you want me. 'Cause it's simple to see of my ability. Yeah you're undecided. Yeah it's the right feeling. Yeah I don't wanna runaway._

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**A/N: **Thank you as always for reading. Please leave a review!


	4. Take a Step

**A/N: **Rather excited about this chapter! Hope you are as well!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the _Outsiders_ or the song _Exo Politics_.

* * *

_Open the skies over me. I am waiting patiently. I'll wait for a sign. As conspiracies unwind. Will you slam shut? Or free your mind, or stay hypnotized. When the Zetas fill the skies, will our leaders tell us why?_

The sand went in-between my toes. The sun was almost down now and everyone that was once on the beach had gone back home. They were missing the real beauty of this time. The time when the air was just right and the water gently came up to touch your feet and slip away ever so slowly.

I carried my shoes in my hand, following Peter's lead. He didn't say much on this walk, just worrying about Kathy. I didn't tell him it was my fault she was crying. My fault she was hurting this bad. I was the one who told her all those things. Kathy had been broken down. I watched like it was a car accident, not being able to turn away from it. I towered over her. Was this really what I wanted? I couldn't answer that question.

She shooed us out of the house, instructing Peter to take me for a walk on the beach. Just waved us outside. I would have protested but I wasn't ready to go back and face Soda empty handed yet again. So Peter agreed and toured me around the beach, picking up some shells here and there, not really saying anything.

"You down here for spring break too then?" he asked, turning around and walking backwards.

I nodded, catching up to him and leisurely walking beside him. "It was my brother's idea. I'm sorry...but I have no earthly idea who you are."

He chuckled, pulling on his shirt like I had embarrassed him. "You've never really talked to me before. I just know of you because of Kathy and I got transferred into your math class right before break. I'm her cousin."

"So you haven't been in class long then?" I asked. He shook his head. "Oh..."

He started racing up to where the pier was, waving for me to follow him. The wind was blowing my skirt in all different directions. I held it down the best I could with my hands. I thought about what Kathy was doing right now. Had she stopped crying yet? I couldn't tell if I cared or not.

Once I reached Peter, I found him sitting on the rail, a cigarette dangling from his thick red lips. He handed me the pack along with a lighter and watched as I put one in-between my lips. I leaned across the rail, staring out into the ocean that went on forever. "It smells like fish up here," I stated, wrinkling my nose up.

He giggled, swinging his feet back and forth. "It's all over this rail. Its bait probably more than fish."

"You fish a lot?" I asked trying to make conversation.

"Yeah, my dad has a boat back home. It's the family business. He goes off a lot. Like to Alaska and stuff where the real meat is." He blew out a trail of smoke slowly.

Peter carried on talking. He talked about his mom being a stay at home mom, his little sister who was eight, even his dog who he'd had for ten years named Ben. Then he talked about Kathy again and how close they were and how kind and nice she was for letting him stay with her. He was still wondering what she was so upset about.

"It's about my brother," I finally told him flatly. "My other one. I've got three. She was dating the oldest. They broke up a few days ago."

"She said you had a lot of brothers," he said, taking another drag. "The older one raises you guys, right?"

I raised my eyebrows. He knew an awful lot. I wondered what else Kathy had told him. "Yeah, ever since our parents died a few years back."

"That can't be easy," he stated, swinging his feet again. "I only got one sibling and I can't even babysit her without her getting some kind of cut or bruise."

"Darry's one of a kind." I moved the blowing hair out of my face and pinned it behind my ear. I put the cigarette back up to my mouth and inhaled the smoke.

Peter sneered, looking down at the bottom of the ocean. "You sound like Kat. You guys close?"

"Yeah..." I trailed off. "She's been there a lot for me...now especially."

He put his cigarette down by his side and knocked of the ash, the red embers glowing. "Your boyfriend dumped you, right?" he asked. "The one you dated for like a year?"

My hands began to tingle. I stared at them and then made a tight fist, pressing my thumb into my palm so they'd stop. "Yeah...yeah he did."

"I'm sorry," he said quickly. "I-I didn't mean to bring it up...I mean, not like that...shit."

I shook my head and grinned. "No, no. It's alright. Actually, you're the first person in a long time to bring him up." He paused, staring into the water again. We were both looking there now. "Coming here was a mistake."

"Why do you say that?"

"We came here to get Kathy and my brother back together, not just to have a vacation. Now look. Kathy's at home, crying, and I'm here. So there goes the plan. Kathy's never going to come with us now. Not after what I said."

"I figured it was you," he said with a slight shrug. "I mean, it was obvious. I just didn't want to mention it seeing as how neither of you were."

I hung my head and stared at the smoke coming from my fag. "I didn't mean to do that. I don't know what I meant to do, really. I haven't for days. I thought I had everything together and then this happened and Soda brought me here and...and I just wanted to hurt her."

"You've had a rough time, huh?"

"No," I said, smiling, though on the inside, my heart was pounding at an unbelievably fast pace. "I mean, sure it hurt, having someone you love just leave you, but it happens to everyone every day. Look at Kathy and Darry. They were perfect and now she's crying and Darry...he's just psycho. This_ happens._"

He blinked a couple of times and tapped his finger on the pier."Yeah...it does happen."

"Life goes on though. You go to parties, dances, hang out with friends and carry on. That's what Kathy should be doing. She's the one that left though. It was her choice. She had a choice in the matter."

He cocked an eyebrow. "You didn't?"

I continued with my rambling as I thought he seemed curious, "I didn't have one, no. It came out of nowhere. That's what hurts the most. I protect myself from these things. I've always protected myself. I messed up though. I let him do this. I trusted him and then bam! But I took it on. I'm doing just fine, aren't I?"

He playfully shrugged. "I mean, sure."

"I smile on like nothing's wrong," I said, the wind thrashing my hair in my face. "I carry on throughout the day, just smiling all the way, convincing everyone I'm just fine. I _am_ fine. It doesn't hurt anymore. It's like a wound. A deep one. The pain goes away and it has. I'm doing alright."

He studied me. He causally slipped out another cigarette and took a drag from it. "You seem to be I guess."

I licked my lips, they tasted like salt. I put my thumb up to them and rested it there. "Everywhere I look, something ticks me off. _Everything_ ticks me off. Not a day goes by that I don't think about it and what happened. I try. I do. I try and keep myself occupied on other things. Like coming down here. God, that was a mistake."

"You already said that," he pointed out simply with a slight nervous laugh.

"I don't know what I'm doing." I laughed. I shook my head and gripped the rail. I bent down and then came back up again, letting out a breath I'd been holding in. "Telling you all this. I just met you like five minutes ago if that! I don't even know your last name for crying out loud!"

"Smith," he said with a sly smirk. He stuck out his hand to me and winked. "Peter Smith."

I jerked my head, and then took his hand in mine and shook it. "Swell. Did you know who I was dating, Peter Smith?"

"No," he answered honestly, dropping his hand to his side. "He was named after a town though, right? Kathy mentioned it once."

"Sure," I swallowed the rising lump before it came out my mouth. "Dallas Winston. You know what's funny, Peter?"

"What?"

I turned and looked at him for the first time. He was watching me. His brown eyes set directly on me like what I was saying meant something to him. He was actually listening to what I was saying and he seemed to care. Someone cared about what I was saying. This guy, whoever the hell he was. I hadn't seen this look in a long time.

I watched as his lips twitched for the cigarette in-between his fingers. He stared at me, waiting for my response. My mouth watered. "That's the first time I've said his name. That's the first time I've said it in _three_ months."

He raised his brow. "That's a long time to go without saying someone's name."

"Tell me about it," I said, dramatically acting exasperated. "He's in jail, did I mention that?"

He nonchalantly shook his head. "No, you didn't."

"Well he is," I made clear. "He got busted for unpaid parking tickets. Funny story really. You'd think it was hilarious. You know he promised me we'd get married. Me, being an idiot, I believed him. I believed every fucking word he told me. Every lie he told and he told many, believe me."

He closely watched the expression on my face, not turning away at all. "Doesn't sound like too hot of a guy."

"He wasn't. He was a pig. A dirt bag. He always was. Even when we were dating. He always had to win at _everything_. I thought there was more to him. I thought I saw something in him but I was wrong. God I was _so_ wrong! I still don't know what happened. Maybe that's what hurts me the most that I just don't know."

His eyes softened a bit. He put out his cigarette and turned to me. "Danni..."

"He was the best thing I ever had," I said. "I loved him. I gave him _everything_! All I had I gave to him! Even after he told me what he'd done, I told him it was ok, we'd get through it. It didn't even bother me that much. You wanna know what he did?"

"Sure." He shrugged.

"He told me to get lost. Not in those words. Much harsher words. It was the last thing he said to me and that was when he finally answered me after all the letters and times I'd shown up to see him. He just told me to leave. He made me feel so pathetic and useless and I always thought it was my fault I let everything we had go to shit. It was something I had done. Everything we had...it really meant _nothing _to him."

I didn't feel the tears until now. Now that they were drowning me. I sniffled, trying to catch my breath from talking so much and so fast. Peter didn't say anything. Just stared. My growling stomach took my mind off my meaningless rant for a few minutes and I put my hand on it to keep it quiet.

I rested my hand there and sighed. "You must think I'm crazy. I am. I must be. I must be crazy to say all this...and to mean it. To tell a complete stranger things I haven't told anyone before, not my family, not my friends, no one. I cried...for _months_. I didn't want to. No one knew I did. I did it in my sleep when no one could see or hear me. I didn't want to ruin Christmas so I didn't. Then I didn't want my family to worry again so I lied. God...I've told so many _lies_."

I got the sudden urge to scream. My lips were shaking as if begging me to do it. My face was soaked with the many tears I'd held back. I didn't want to do this. I didn't want to say these things. I kept them in for so long. I bit down on my bottom lip trying to keep it from trembling more.

"I don't want to go home. I don't want to see more faces of our friends and have to lie again. I don't want to see my brothers again and put on this smile. I've gotten good at putting it on. I'm just...I'm so broken inside and I don't know what to do. I feel alone...all the_ fucking_ time. And I don't want to feel that way. I just...I can't do it all. I can't make everyone and myself happy."

"Your happiness should come first."

I shook my head. "I don't know what that feels like anymore. I sound so..._hung up_. Hung up on a guy that treated me like_ shit_! I'm angry. I'm so fucking _angry_ and that's why I hurt Kathy. I wanted her to feel hurt. I wanted to hurt someone just like he hurt me..."

His fingers inched towards mine. They touched mine. It made me jump at first but then the gentleness of his touch hit me and his lips moved. "You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. It's ok to be angry. To be sad."

I studied his hand on mine. My mouth was open. His hand felt warm against mine. It felt inviting. It felt like reality setting back in. I jerked away and stared at him, not knowing what to say. "I-I...oh god..."

He jumped off the rail, standing in front of me. He put his hands on my shoulders to steady me. "Danni-"

"Oh god...I can't...I gotta go." I turned around quickly, not wanting to look at him. I didn't want him to hear my sob tale. I didn't want him to see my tears. My pity party was over. This was over.

I felt him following me. I wiped my face and picked up my pace to where I was running now. "Danni, wait!"

What have I done?

* * *

I was hoping to be alone when I got into the hotel room but they were all there, watching me bust through the door like a raging maniac and stare at them, my tears visible and face red. I wanted to bail but it was too late for that. They'd saw me. I couldn't get away. I couldn't hide it anymore. We stayed like this until someone got the courage to speak.

"You...ok?" It was Soda stepping up to the plate. My vision blurred. "How did it go with Kathy?"

I forcefully wiped my face, clearing away all tears. "Not good." I walked past him, going into the bathroom and washing my face.

He stood at the door, looking at me. "You didn't answer my first question."

I slammed my rag down in the built up water. I clinched the marble tile of the sink and breathed heavily. "I'm _fine_. I'm so fine I'm just _perfect_. Is that what you want to hear? How many _goddamn_ times do I have to say so you'll believe me?"

"Danni," This was Jennie. She had joined the bathroom party of let's interrogate Danni. "C'mon. Let's go walk on the beach or something."

I could feel my face turning red. My grip on the sink tightened and breathing kicked up. "You really wanna know what I want? I want to be left _alone_. I want one fucking day to go by where no asks if I'm ok. I want one _fucking_ day..."

Steve's turn. He was here. I'd imagine Two-Bit was right by the door too. "Let's go get some dinner then."

"Go," I said dryly. "I'll stay here. Go have fun with your friends. I'm _fine_. Did you hear that this time or do I need to repeat myself?"

"Oh quit with the 'poor me' act!" he barked. "We get it, Danni. Dally _dumped_ you. You're sad. Boo-fucking-who! You try and convince people you're not upset and now it back fired on you. Well sorry. We all got problems!"

I felt the heat of my blood. My heart was racing. I lifted my head up slowly, seeing my torn reflection in the mirror.

Soda stepped into the bathroom, standing behind me. "Danni..."

"No wonder Evie's leaving you Steve." I turned and faced him, a new type of smile on my pure lips. "You're nothing but an _ass._"

Two-Bit held him back, Jennie blocking the door as Steve tried to bull his way into the room. Soda grabbed me, putting his arms around me to protect me from his wrath. I laughed at the look on his face. This look of anger and best of all, hurt. Hurt because it's the truth...and he knows that.

"Bitch! No wonder Dally dumped _you_!"

"Steve!" Soda screamed, making everyone stop. It was viscous, mean, and loud. It was something we rarely heard and we all stared. "Don't…don't say that. Just...just go outside and cool off!"

I wiggled out of his arms. "Allow me." I pushed through Jennie and maneuvered around Two-Bit and Steve. "Jerk." I slammed the door shut behind me, tears running down my face.

* * *

I picked at the red place on my knee. It was scabbing over and starting to get ugly. I tripped last week helping Darry pave the driveway. The cut was deep. Darry had to carry me inside and drown it with alcohol. He was surprised when I didn't cry. It didn't hurt. Not at all.

The back door swung close and I could hear footsteps behind me. I didn't turn around. I kept my attention on this sunset that I was getting a good view of from this spot by the pool. It was extremely warm out and I thought about jumping in and hiding out down below until I cleared my head.

Soda came up behind me and stood. "Mind if I sit with ya, Frankie my dear?"

I shrugged. He was probably going to anyway. "Sure, So."

His feet slid on the concrete and he sighed as he finally reached a sitting position. He leaned on his knees and looked out where I was. "Mighty pretty view from here. Ponyboy would kill to see this, huh?"

I smiled lightly and nodded. "Yeah, he would. Bet he can't see this stuff in California with all the stuff he has to do."

He chuckled. "You know he hates it too. I wonder how he's doing. He was really nervous about it."

It was silent for a while. He kept playing with his shoe laces and scraping them on the hard surface. I kept my eyes on the sun as the wind played freely with my hair. It was warm out here. It was getting hotter out. I was more tempted to jump in the pool.

"Steve still mad?" I decided to ask the obvious.

Soda stopped playing with his laces and sat up. "Nah, he's pretty cooled off now." I nodded. "So, uh, he said true?" I could feel his eyes on me. There wasn't anything holding it back now. I lassoed my hair and mumbled out a 'yeah'. "Why didn't you-"

"He killed him." The words rang like bells in my ears and I winced, hearing them again. "He _killed_ him."

Soda stared. Then it hit him. "Wait, who killed who?" he jumped and then it came to him. "Dally and Sam?"

I nodded and took another sigh. "Yeah."

Soda stumbled over his words. He ran a hand through his hair. "No! No, you're kidding right? Dally really did kill Sam?"

"That's what he said."

"But the cops said-"

"They were wrong."

He didn't say anything for a while. He's mouth was open and he was just thinking about it. Thinking about how a guy he knew, who he was friends with, who he had practically grown up with, could kill a man. How Dallas could kill a guy - a guy who meant _nothing_ to him. This is what I've wondered for months.

"Did he….he told you this?"

I pulled my knees up to my chest, feeling the memories. "At the jail. He told me right after I talked to Randy that day. Right before Christmas. He said he killed Sam and that was that."

"But…but..." His face dropped into his hands and he groaned as he rubbed his face. "What happened? Why did he tell you this?"

"He just wanted me to know the truth I guess," I said. "I really don't know why he said anything really. I'm still trying to figure it out myself. He keeps everything else to himself. Why in hell would he care?" I laughed out a little.

He swallowed. "He dumped _you_ after this?"

I let my eyes close as more refreshing wind hit me. I breathed in the fresh ocean air. "I don't know. He told me not to come back so yeah, I suppose that's what he meant. I lied because...I don't know. I don't know how Steve knew. Dally must have told him."

"Did he tell you how…how he killed this guy?" he asked. "Like...what happened?"

I kept my eyes shut. "No," I whispered quietly. "No he didn't say what all happened."

His hand touched mine. "Steve didn't mean what he said. You know him. He says things without thinkin' sometimes. He just gets angry easily and doesn't know how to act. He's got a lot going on himself."

I combed through the front of my hair. "Yeah, I know. I ain't mad at him, don't worry. Kinda deserved it I guess."

He rubbed my back, trying to comfort when there was nothing to comfort. I let him do it anyway. "Why didn't you say anythin' before? I mean…. you usually talk 'bout this stuff."

I turned to him. I gently smiled at him. "Guess I didn't want to think about it. Thought maybe if I didn't say it, it wouldn't be true. I dunno, I didn't wanna believe it. It was a long time ago, So. I'm ok."

He looked down at the ground. He let his hand fall from my back. "Anyone else know….about the truth, what he did?"

Wind blew both of our hair as I turned and looked at him again, my eyes and head sore. "Jennie knows some of it. Not the last part. Just him dumping me and not just us taking a break part. Sarah knows everything and now you." I looked at him, his skin and scars. "You can't tell anyone. Not a soul."

He tilted his head and whispered, "Danni-"

"I mean it," I said quietly. I reached out slowly and touched one of his many scars. I breathed out. "Please, you can't. He's in jail. He's paying for it. It's dead. Let it stay that way. For me?"

He sighed deeply, his hand touching mine. "I won't." He paused and looked me square in the eyes. "So he didn't tell you the story?"

I brushed my hair back and turned back to the sunset. "No, no he didn't. I don't know what happened and I don't care anymore. I'm done caring about him and what he does. I'm done with all of this...with him."

_Carried through the centuries. Secrets locked up, and loaded on my back, when it weighs me down. When the Zetas fill the skies, it's just our leaders in disguise. Fully loaded satellites will conquer nothing but our minds._

* * *

**A/N: **So we have some answers out. How do you guys feel now that Danni's finally spoken what's on her mind?

Thank you, as always, for reading! Please review!


	5. Fingers to Toes

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the _Outsiders_ or the song _What Sarah Said_.

**A/N: **Happy father's day. I hope all of you have an awesome day with your dads! Don't let all the excitement let you forget to review. ;)

* * *

_Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines. In a place where we only say goodbye. It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend. On a faulty camera in our minds. And I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all._

I packed my stuff the night before. It was three in the morning and I was still awake. I was staring at the water marks in the ceiling, trying to figure out if they came from water or some other unknown liquid. I was tired by this point. It'd been forty-eight hours and I've gotten a total of two hours of sleep.

Steve didn't talk to me much when I came back. We apologized. I think Soda made him. Soda didn't talk to him for a while. They were silent throughout dinner. Peter must think I'm off my meds. God. Or more. I was starting to think it myself. He probably went back and told Kathy everything I'd told him. I'm sure he did. Kathy wasn't coming home with us. Not after what I said and did. She was gone. It was time to accept yet another loss.

I'm standing on the beach. It's six in the morning and everyone's asleep. I tried to sleep last night. I wanted one night where I could just clear my mind for a few seconds of this nonsense going on. Just a few hours where I could escape in my dreams and live in a different world for a little while. He's taken over those as well.

I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of yelling. I'm tired of putting on a smile when that's the last thing I want to wear. I'm tired of people trying to make things better for me. I'm tired of people telling me 'it's ok' 'it'll get better' because it's not. I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of feeling alone. I'm tired of being angry and crazy. I'm tired of being stuck and needing help. I'm tired of remembering. I'm tired of feeling empty inside. I'm tired of not being able to let go. I'm tired of wishing I could start all over. I'm tired of dreaming a life I'll never have.

I'm just tired. I'm tired of all the dreams and expectations I had when I was younger being mashed and crumbled into pieces in front of me. I wish more people had been honest to be. Honesty is a hard trait to find. Honesty can be mean and harsh but I just wish more people had told me the truth. Waken me up a bit from the idiotic things I was doing. I wish they'd told me to prepare myself for hard times, heartbreaks, and disappointment.

Too bad I knew all this would happen, and too bad I didn't listen.

I think movies should have a disclaimer before every show, especially the romance ones. It should be big and bold and read in black and white:** These events will never happen. You will never feel the way these characters do and the males in all these movies, they're not real. You'll never have a story like these people. Never, so don't even try.**

I suppose we're all a little lonely and broken. Look at Kathy. She was once the one woman in my life I thought had it all together and now, she's a complete mess. I suppose some of that is because of me. Then there's Darry, he's probably so lonely he doesn't even know what to do with himself. Then there are people that look like they have it all together, like Soda. Soda is broken inside though he'd never ever say it. Deep down, he's so torn with past events he doesn't know what to do.

We're just all going through life, waiting for things to get better. For some they do, and others, they don't.

This is how I really feel. I've not acknowledged it. I've not acknowledged how hurt I really am. What would he think of me right now, standing in front of this big wave, all alone while the wind hits me? He'd laugh if someone took a picture of me right now and showed him.

Well who gives a flying fuck what he thinks anymore?

I took another step in the water. I was up to my ankles now. It was warm and the sand slid under my feet. I took a deep breath.

Something burns inside of me when I cry like this. Like something is fighting against my tears and telling me to be strong, that he's not worth this. And he's not. He's so not worth me acting like this anymore. He's not worth me feeling tired, trying to make things work out for the best. He's not worth all of these lies I've told.

So this is how I feel._ Really_ feel. I'm angry at all the things he's done. My attempts to try and make us work, my so many damn attempts. I'm angry at him for killing Sam. For _telling_ me that he killed Sam. For leaving me right after he said it with no explanation. For all the things I now know about him now and what he's done. I'm angry because of all the time, sweat, and tears I put into a relationship that he just smashed into pieces. All my work, gone.

I could say Dallas Winston ruined my life...but I don't even want to give him that much. I want to punch him in the face. I don't even want to say anything, just punch him. I want to put all my anger and sadness into one hard punch and then walk away, just like he did. I want to be done with this feeling I've been fighting off for three months. I want to be rid of the burden Dallas Winston brought upon me.

I let the cool warm air hit me. The waves were hitting above my knees now, getting me wet. I've fallen from cloud nine and this were I landed. This was my new life. Picking up every piece of me that's been broken. I wish I'd known then what I do now, what Dallas Winston was capable of. I'm tired of holding on to nothing.

I'm making new promises. New promises to myself. Promise to wake up and see what today is. Today is the day I move on from past events. Stop living in the past. Stop worrying about what happened. Stop worrying about him. He's gone. Dallas is gone. This is what he wanted. He wanted me to do this so here we go.

I cried one last tear. The very last one, one more time. Not for him, but for me. "I'm done with Dallas Winston. I'm _over_ Dallas Winston. I'm_ over_ him." Let the healing process begin.

* * *

I got back to the hotel, finding everyone sitting on their stuff. Jennie was in the lobby checking us out. Soda was on the bed, sitting on his bag, pouting. I went over and lied down beside him, staring up at the ceiling. "You ready?"

Soda got up off the bed, putting his bag over his shoulder. "Yeah. Let's hit the road."

We all got up and headed down stairs. No one said anything on the way.

Jennie raced towards us, a bright, refreshing, smile on her face. "Go out to the car. You have to go out to the car."

We did what she said, following her outside to the Camino parked right outside the door with the trunk popped. We didn't know what Jennie was talking about until a slim blonde rounded the car, a bag on her back. "Hi."

I crossed my arms over my chest. I eyed the bag big enough to hold all of her clothes. Soda ran over to her, asking her what she was doing here this early and why did she have a bag. The obvious.

Jennie took Steve and Two inside, despite their requests, and left us alone.

"Peter talked to you," I stated plainly. Her and Soda both turned and looked at me. I walked over to them and leaned on the car. "Didn't he?"

Kathy shook her head, letting her bag fall to the ground. "No. I just...I want to be there when Darry tells ya'll. I'll make him tell you. I just need to be there...for you."

I shook my head, not believing it. "What makes now any different? You didn't seem to want to have anything to do with us before. Why the change? Peter told you something."

"You'll understand when Darry tells you." She sighed and looked down at her bags down on the ground. "I am sorry. I shouldn't have run like that. I should have waited. Believe me though; it's not what ya'll think. Not at all."

"What did Peter tell you?"

Kathy hung her head and took in a deep breath. "He told me you told him about Darry. How hurt he was that I left but wouldn't tell you anything. He said you were worried. He told me you cried at the beach because of the way you treated me and you were scared. He said you really didn't mean it. That true?"

I stood, puzzled. Why would Peter tell her something like that? None of it was true but do I tell her that and have her walk away? Do I really want her to come home with us? I just nodded.

Soda exchanged a look with me. "If it's something that big then we really want to know what happened."

"It is," Kathy said dryly. "You're not going to like it. Not one bit. But I agree with you and I don't blame you for being angry at me. I've been angry at myself for doing it. I'm going to Tulsa with you so you can understand."

"Why bother?" I snapped rudely. "You're just going to leave again right after he tells us, right?"

She picked her bag up off the ground and put it back over her shoulder. "Depends. We'll see."

"I'll, uh, go check us out then," Soda said, slipping away before he made the wrong move and scared her away again. He didn't question the sudden strange decision. He didn't dare. Did it really matter though?

Kathy turned her attention back at me. "You alright?"

"We'll just see...now won't we?"

"Ok, I think I got everything." We both turned around to see Peter standing behind us, listening. Peter looked at me, speechless as I crossed my arms over my chest and turned away. "Sorry...did I-"

My face felt red and hot to the touch. Kathy said quietly, "No. You ready?"

He nodded and scurried back into his room like a dog with his tail between his legs. I wanted to neuter that dog…

* * *

I rode in Kathy's car with her and Peter. The passenger seat-belt was busted so Peter sat beside me the entire ride. I thought about going back with the boys, but it was either I deal with Peter or Steve. And right now, it was easier for me to deal with Peter. Peter doesn't scare me like Steve. I don't want to test him anymore with everything he has going on. He's so angry all the time so there's no telling when he was going to snap again or how bad of a bust it'll be this time.

We didn't call Darry to warn him though that was part of our deal with Kathy. Soda didn't want to give him time to run off before we got there so we thought surprise was our best option. Soda's so sure of the plan, me being me, I'm not so sure, though I never am.

Kathy kept her eyes on the road, not paying any mind to us or anything else. Her face was hard and stone like but more like marble because of all the make-up she was wearing. It made me smile a little to see that she was wearing it. Maybe it meant something.

She kept the radio on high. I think to block out her own thoughts and I wasn't objecting the idea by any means. This meant no talking and considering who was beside me, I was all for not talking. I didn't even move my face to suddenly make him speak.

He did anyway though. "We're all crazy. Some of us just hide it better than others, ya know?"

"What?" I barely heard him at first. I didn't give eye-contact. Why was he bothering to talk? Couldn't he plainly see I didn't want no part in making small talk with him or any talk? After what happened, he should be scared away.

He watched me. "You claim you're crazy," he said a little bit louder this time. "I'm just trying to make you feel better."

I folded my hands on my lap and looked out the window. "I'm fine, thanks."

"Your face is red," he pointed out with a slight laugh. "It usually is when I'm around."

"Don't take that as a complement," I said bitterly. "It's not for good reasons, believe me."

He shrugged plainly and turned away. He looked out his window. "Don't flatter _yourself_. I was just trying to make you feel better. Didn't want you to feel embarrassed, but fine."

I took a deep breath. Here's a resolution: stop making people mad at me. "I didn't mean it like that." I faced him. "Thanks... for trying to make me feel better...and listening to my madness yesterday."

He nodded, accepting that. "I would have told you that yesterday but you sorta ran off in a hurry. I had a lot more to say that would have probably made you feel better but I get it. You just seemed real hurt."

"I don't really want to talk about yesterday," I said. "As far as I'm concerned, yesterday didn't happen and we did not have that conversation and you don't know me or my life. Do you agree?"

He smirked, shaking his head. "I'll pretend like you didn't spill your life story to me when you were completely _sober_ mind you."

Yeah, being sober helped my case more than ever. "I'd appreciate that. And, uh, don't tell anyone when we get back home? I got enough problems without worrying about what people are saying about me."

"Sure, it'll be our little secret then," he said. "You'll look back and laugh at this one day. We'll joke about it to each other soon enough." He nudged me with his elbow playfully. "You wait and see."

I grinned slightly. "I don't see how you can even talk to me. I figured I scared you off for good."

"I'm not that easy to get rid of. You weren't as bad as you think either."

"Really? I was blubbering for a good thirty minutes about stuff you had no idea of or who I was even rambling on about. I layed out my life story to you in a matter of minutes and it wasn't _that_ bad?"

"I've got a family full of girls, so no. I've seen worse."

I looked at him, studying his features. I didn't notice last night how many freckles he had around his nose. His eyes were lighter in the day too. Green. "Why did you tell Kathy that I cried because I felt bad?"

He shrugged nonchalantly. "You wanted her to come back with you."

"So you lied?"

He turned and stared at me. His lips curled. "It worked, didn't it?"

I sunk back down in the seat and got comfortable. I grinned. "I suppose it did."

"Gonna be a long ride in silent," he said. "You sure you don't have anything else you wanna get off your chest? I'm always up for a nice chat." His upper lip twisted up, showing off his top pearly white teeth.

"Think I'm good for today, Peter. I may hold you to that offer one day though."

"I hope you do...Danni Curtis."

* * *

We dropped everyone off. It was two in the morning and I knew Darry would still be up, waiting by the door. Kathy still hasn't said anything to Soda or me. It was odd. Too odd. So when we got to the house, and we stayed in the car for a few extra minutes, not wanting to face our fates, she made the first move, getting to the door first and opening it.

Darry was in the kitchen cleaning up. When he heard the door open he glanced over his shoulder. "Did ya'll have a nice time? I sure hope so because when I'm through with you, you won't be having any fun for a while."

I looked at Kathy, folding my hands over my chest. We stood there, by the door, silent. Not even Soda broke the ice for us.

Darry put the last plate in the sink and started talking before he turned around, "I swear, you guys ever pull a stunt on me like that again - Soda, I don't care if your eighteen I'll still-" He turned around and saw us. Saw _her_. "Kat?"

Soda and I looked at the ground. Seeing Darry made Kathy's eyes water but she still spoke for us. "Hey, Dar."

"What is going on here?" We didn't answer so he decided to scream. "If someone doesn't tell me what the hell is going on right now I'll start throwing out punishments I don't care! Now what the hell-"

"We went to Florida," I spoke up quietly.

Darry's face turned dark red. The vain in his neck started to bulge. "You what?" Soda and I both looked at each other but still came up with nothing. "I'm sorry, did I not make myself clear before? I want answers and I want them _now_!"

So much for the calm and chill Darry we left behind. I could have gotten pretty used to that Darry.

Soda fumbled for words but saved me the terror of explaining. "We didn't go to Texas. I lied. We went to Florida...to talk to Kathy."

Darry fumed, heavily breathing. He turned to Kathy for confirmation. She nodded. He turned back to us. "I'm going to kill you both. You better have gotten plenty of fresh air because you won't be gettin' any for a _long_ time."

"It was my idea," Soda said, stepping up. "We just...we wanted some answers. Darry, we did it for you."

"For me?" he asked, stepping towards us, making me back up, taking Soda with me. He towered over us like we were ants as we backed away. "You went behind _my_ back. You lied to me! You went all the way to Florida when I told you to leave it alone!"

I hit the wall behind me. We were in a corner now. We had nowhere else to go and Darry was in our faces. "We're sorry," I said. "We shouldn't have went behind your back but we-"

"I don't want to hear it!" He rubbed his face and shook his head. He ran his hand over his face. "Just...just give me one good reason I shouldn't bust your ass right here right now."

I looked to Soda for that one. He may be able to hit me but Soda... "Darry it wasn't her fault. I took her with me and-"

"She didn't have to go," Darry said. "And trust me, I'll give you yours. You took your sixteen year old sister to Florida? You made her go behind my back? Lie to me? I expected better from you, Soda."

Soda hung his head in disappointment. "Darry-"

"You need to tell them," Kathy spoke up. It was quiet. Almost at a whisper. "Tell them right now, Darry."

Darry turned his attention to her, giving her an eat-shit-look. "Is that why you're here?"

"If you would have told them to begin with like I told you to, this wouldn't have happened. They deserve to know. It's their lives you're messing with. They want to know."

Darry stood straight up, popping his back. "Kathy...this isn't your business."

"Darry," Soda said, calling him back to us. I held my breath, fearing for more yelling. "We want to know. Obviously it's something big and obviously it involves us so out with it."

Darry rotated back around to us, the same anger still on his face. "No. Not right now. Pony needs to be here."

I watched as Soda's hands balled up into fists. I held my breath and bit my tongue. "Darry just tell us!"

"Don't tell me what to do," he said bitterly. "I'm still in-charge here. I'm still the_ older_ brother."

Soda let go of me, leaving me in the corner alone. He approached Darry, a scowl on his face. "Yeah, and? Don't push me around like I'm some kid, Darry. You may be able to push Danni and Pony around still but I'm not a kid."

Darry stared down at him. "Yeah, you really proved it with that stunt you just pulled."

"Oh to hell with it!" Soda screamed. "I said I'm sorry damnit! If you would have just told us to begin with instead of telling us to shut up and mind our own business then I wouldn't have had to fix your mess!"

"Well who asked you to fix it?" Darry yelled back, getting in Soda's face. "I made my decision. It's _my_ business so butt out!"

Things were starting to get loud and I felt a fight coming on. "What's wrong with you?"

Darry blew him off, waving his hand and turning around. "Nothing, Soda. I'm not doing this now."

"You need to," Kathy said calmly. "You need to tell them, Darry. Tell them now. They're not gonna wait."

Darry eyed her. I stepped up before he had a chance to rip her to shreds. "Darry, Pony won't be back for a few more days. Please, we just want to know. Something's wrong. We know something's wrong."

"Danni, don't."

"We're not going anywhere until you tell us," Soda said. "Out with it, Darry. What's going on?"

Darry kept his back to all of us. Kathy spoke up again, "Tell them, Darry. Tell them_ now_."

Darry forcefully turned around. His face was beat red. He threw his arms in the air and shouted, "Fine, you really want to know that bad?" He let out a single small laugh and screamed loud, "I'm _sick_. And you know what? I'm going to die!"

_'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room. Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news. And then the nurse comes 'round and everyone lift their heads. But I'm thinking of what Sarah said. That love is watching someone die. So who's gonna watch you die? So who's gonna watch you die?_


	6. Till You're Found

**Disclaimer: **I still don't own the _Outsiders_ or the song _Heat of the Moment.  
_

**A/N: **Who knows what episode of what show this song is from? ;)

* * *

_I never meant to be so bad to you. One thing I said that I would never do. A look from you and I would fall from grace. And that would wipe the smile right from my face. Do you remember when we used to dance? And incidents arose from circumstance. One thing lead to another we were young. And we would scream together songs unsung_

Silence filled the air. It felt like a nuclear bomb had gone off in the room, killing us all off. I wasn't sure I heard him right but didn't have the strength enough to speak up and ask him to repeat himself. I feared what might come out of his mouth next. Worse news. Like this wasn't worse enough. It didn't seem real. The look on Soda's face though, told me that it was all too real.

Kathy was leaning against the wall, a cold stone expression on her face. She'd already heard this conversation. She already heard this news and now she was just watching Darry as he just stood there, waiting for his brother and sister to say something back to him.

I looked down at my shoes because it was the only thing in the room that didn't make me wanna scream. My shoes didn't have faces that were sad, shocked, disappointed, hurt, or broken. They were just shoes.

"Any questions?" Darry's voice was clam again. Like he almost felt sorry for us. He didn't mean to shout it out like that or hurt us with what he said. It was just the truth...and I knew just how much the truth hurt.

I waited for Soda to say something. He always has something to say but this time, Soda stood beside me, looking at his shoes too. We both looked like two puppies who just got scolded rather than two individuals who just had their hearts stomped on.

The silence was killing me. The tension and feel of the air made me want to scream but instead, I whispered the question I most wanted the answer to. "You left him because he's _sick_?"

Kathy didn't move. Not even her face. "You didn't let him finish."

"Don't blame her anymore," Darry said softly. He took along deep sigh. "I should have told ya'll this when she took off. I didn't think you'd go off and hunt her down like a bunch of animals though."

"Darry," Soda said, lifting his head up. "W-what's going on here?"

"I have cancer," he clarified again. It felt like a million tiny knives hit me all over again. Then he said: "Kathy left because I'm not going to do any treatments. Using her words: I want to die."

_I want to die. _Another bomb was just lowered into our living room. Five seconds ago it went off and blasted us all again. If we weren't dead already, we defiantly were now.

Soda gawked at him. His face turned all colors, red being one of them and I held my breath for more bombs. "You _what_?"

Darry took a seat in his chair. He crossed his legs and rubbed his face. "I found out a few weeks ago. I was getting some heavy nose bleeds and that's when the doctor told me I had a blood clot. They figured out a few weeks later that it turned into a tumor in my leg. He also told me all about the treatments...and how expensive they were."

Soda walked and sat on the arm of the sofa, intently listening to every word and trying not to interrupt.

"It was a lot," Darry continued. "So I came home. I didn't tell anyone for a while. Kathy figured something was wrong and talked to some of the other nurses and they told her they saw me there. She confronted me and I told her. If I would of had it my way, no one would have found out. Then I told her I wasn't going to do the treatments."

I stared at Kathy. She was still in the same spot, with the same look on her face. I wanted to claw that expression off so damn bad. "This is what you wouldn't tell us?" I demanded.

"Don't yell at her," Darry said, trying to draw my attention back to me.

I scowled as Kathy's eyes darted to me. "You kept that from us? You left him on his death bed? Just like that?"

She stared me down, not moving, not speaking. It was like I wasn't bothering her with this. Darry spoke up, "Danni-"

My upper lip twitched with raging anger. "You're even worse than I thought."

"Danni!" It was Darry who was yelling. He slammed his hand on the arm of his chair. "Damnit! Don't talk to her like that! Don't blame her for this. It isn't her fault."

I let out a small growl, still not breaking my stare. "Enlighten me then."

"Danni-"

"Do it," Soda spoke up this time, cutting Darry off from having another yelling fit at me. "Tell her, Kathy. Tell _us_."

Kathy looked over at him for a split second the same way she did me before. She quickly turned back to me and shook her head. "I fought for it. Don't make me out to be the bad guy in this situation because I'm not. Very far from it. I fought for you guys. For him."

"Sounds like it."

She closed her eyes for a brief second and sighed. "I'm not going to argue with you. You're clearly angry and I'm not blaming you. I felt the same way when he told me and believe me when I say I tried my _hardest_ to stop this all from happening but Darry wouldn't have it. He_ wants_ to die. I left because I'm not going to sit by and watch him do that to himself. I'm just not going to do it when he has other options. It's ridiculous. I thought leaving would make him come around to seeing things more clearly but apparently not even that's gonna work."

Our eyes went back to Darry who oddly didn't interrupt her to correct or snap at her. His reaction told us that what she was saying was the truth and he wasn't going to deny any of it. He's the one that was hanging his head now.

"You can't," Soda said sternly. "I won't let you do it. I won't sit back and keep my mouth shut while you do this to yourself."

Darry stood up, getting angry. "That's exactly what you're going to do! It's my wishes and I'll be damned if you go against them Sodapop. This is my life and this is what I want. You can either stand by me or you can be angry until the day I die because-"

"You're not going to die!" Soda threw back, getting up himself. "Darry...Darry no." He shook his head, fighting back tears because that showed weakness and he wasn't going to do that right now. "I can't do that."

Darry put his hands in his pockets and stood calmly in front of Soda. He turned his head and looked at me. "What about you?"

I just stared at him, unsure of what to say. I didn't have enough time to answer that question. Everything was moving too fast. "I-I...I don't want you to die. I want you to do treatments."

"Why won't you?" Soda asked. "Don't give me the money crap because you and I know that's a load of shit."

"What if the treatments don't work?" Darry asked calmly. "We spend all that money, go into massive dept and then what? I'm dead, I can't bail ya'll out. I'm not going to leave ya'll like that. Broke with no food, no money. Ya'll would suffer for nothing. It's my job to protect ya'll so that's what I'm doing. I'm not going to spend all our money on a useless cause."

"It's not useless," I whispered. "It's your life. You don't know if the treatments won't work. You can't play God Darry."

Darry ignored me, or so it seemed like he did. He looked back over at Soda. "I want you do do something for me. You're eighteen now, Sodapop. I want you to take care of Danni and Pony."

"No," Soda said in the same mean voice he'd used before. "No Darry. Don't even start with that!"

"Damnit just listen to me!"

Soda shook his head and charged over towards Darry, his bottom chin quivering. I reached up to my own face and felt some tears of my own. "Listen to _me_. You're my brother, Darry. And I'll be damned if I let you die."

"Soda, I've already made up my mind."

"So you want us all to sit back and watch you slowly die in pain?" he asked, appalled. "I'm sorry, you may get Pony and Dan to do that but I'm not going to sit back and bite my tongue about this! Get your head out of your ass for five seconds and see how fucking ridiculous this is!"

I pinched the skin between my index finger and my thumb. Darry's face twisted again and I knew this wasn't going to end like last time. "You get _your_ head out of your ass! It isn't all about you Soda!"

"It isn't all about you!" Soda challenged back, pointing a finger in Darry's face. "You're being so damn selfish that you don't even see it for yourself. Fuck money! How do you think we're gonna feel when you die?"

Darry's vain pulsed. "You're gonna move on, Soda. You're gonna let me do this. Why can't you see that this is the right choice?"

"It's easy for you to say it's the right choice but_ I'm_ going to be the one that has to bury you!" Tears ran down Soda's face in loads. He tried to control his bottom lip from shaking but the angrier he got, the more it shook.

Darry seemed to sympathize with that. Me on the other hand, that just made me want to sit down. I couldn't fathom that. I couldn't picture the day where he buried him. "I've buried too many people."

They didn't even turn to look at me. I didn't mean to say it out loud but it just came out. Angela, Sam, Michael, Jane, my parents. I wasn't going to go to another funeral. I wasn't going to loose anyone else. I've lost too many people. I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"Don't tell Pony," Darry changed the subject. "Let me be the one to do it."

"That's it?" Soda asked. "I'm not done with this conversation. I don't see how you can say that and feel absolutely nothing! I don't see how you can look at your little sister while she cries. How can you see how hurt we are and then just move on like it's nothing."

Darry's hands went into fists. "Soda, I'm going to ask you calmly, please leave it alone. I'm tired. My head hurts. I really just want to go to bed. It's almost five. I've got to go to work tomorrow."

"No, Darry. No."

"We're done talking about this, Soda," Darry said, looking over his shoulder. "My decision is made."

Darry stared to walk off to his bedroom when Soda lashed out. He was too fast for any of us to stop him. No one saw it coming. He went after Darry, shoving him hard. Darry stumbled, then turned around and grabbed Soda by the collar. Kathy and I both watched in disbelieve as they had their own stare down with each other.

"Leave it be, Sodapop. I'm not going to tell you again."

"I'm not going to do it Darry. You can't make me. I'm not going to sit back and watch. You're just being a _coward_!"

Darry wiped around, slamming Soda into the wall. Kathy gasped beside me but I just stood back and watched. Darry got in Soda's face. "Take it back. Take it back now!"

"It's the truth," Soda said. "And you know it!"

Darry picked Soda up and slammed him back against the wall, making another big bang. A picture that hung on the wall fell and broke. Glass went all over the floor. Darry placed his arm right under Soda's chin. "I'm a coward? I took care of you! I fought for you guys to stay here rather than go into a home! I fought for my family. I always protected ya'll! It's my job! I gave up _everything_ for you guys!"

Soda struggled against Darry. He tried to push his arm off but failed at that. "Then let us do it for you!"

Darry let go to slam him back against the wall but Soda wiggled out of Darry's grasped and pined his hands against him. Darry was stronger than Soda and we all knew who would win this fight against strength. "Soda I swear to God-"

"Stop!" I said, going towards them. I stopped as I felt a hand pull my back.

They struggled against each other, pushing and pulling, both of them trying to get loose. "Stop bossing me around, Darry! I'm not a kid anymore!" He got hold of Darry's arms and took a deep breath. "You've taken care of me my whole life. You called the shots. Told me what to do and I listened because you were my big brother and I'd do anything for you. I'm asking you to do this for _me_, please!"

Darry stopped struggling, letting Soda have the upper hand. They were both still now. Darry looked at Soda. "No."

Soda breathed heavily. He looked to the side, tears gathering up in his eyes. He nodded, and with in a blink of an eye he put all his anger and all his pain into one hard punch and landed it against Darry's jaw.

"Soda!"

Darry stumbled backwards and caught himself on the ground. He rested there until he caught his breath while Soda stood over him. Darry reached up and touched the blood that was forming in the corner of his mouth. He slowly got himself up. Soda was still breathing pretty heavily. Darry stood straight up, and reached his fist back and punched Soda square in the nose.

Kathy let go of me this time, stepping up for herself. "Stop this right now! Darry!"

Darry got Soda by the shirt and hit him again, this time harder. He let go and Soda regained his footwork. I saw the look on his face and rushed to his side, grabbing him by the waist. I tried to lock my feet up but he pulled against me, going for Darry.

Darry, being bigger and strong than Soda, held him off. Stopping his fist and throwing him against the wall. He put his arm back up on his neck and held there and watched as Soda coughed and struggled against it.

"Darry!" Kathy grabbed his arm, trying to force it down. "Darry let 'em go! You're gonna kill him!"

I watched as Soda's face turned a slight blue as he kicked and pushed, only doing no good. "Darry he can't breathe!"

I could hear my heart pounding inside my chest. Kathy still put up efforts to get Darry to break his grip but I saw the look on his face. One filled with angst and strength. The tight scowl he didn't wear very often but was using now. It made me shake as time ticked on.

"Darry," Kathy pleaded. "Darry don't do this. You don't want to do this. Darry! He's your brother!"

I couldn't believe this imagine. I never would have thought Soda and Darry would get to this point. Pony and Darry...maybe. It brought me back to that night. That night our lives turned for the worse. The night Darry hit Pony and we lost him. The pain came back to me.

"Darry," I said quietly. "Let him go. Please let him go. Let him go for _me_."

Darry held Soda a little longer, making him strangle and fight. Finally, Darry dropped his hold, and Soda doubled over, clenching his side and gasping for more air. He coughed and whizzed for what seemed like hours when only it was a minute. I went over to him, rubbing his back and trying to help him catch his breath. Kathy was beside Darry and I had hoped she'd be his Achilles Heel. She'd be the one to calm him down. Bring him back and make him see what he was doing. I'd forgotten though. That was before.

Darry breathed through his nose and we all heard him despite Soda's fit. I gazed up at him, still seeing all the hate in his eyes. I had to stare. I couldn't believe it if I didn't. Soda regained his strength and finally stopped coughing. He wouldn't stand up. He held his knees like a kicked dog just waiting to receive the rest of his punishment. The look on Darry's face told me he was about to get it.

"Get out."

"Darry no," I chocked out. "No!"

Darry wiped the spit and blood from his mouth with his hand. He breathed in and looked at Soda like he was a bug he'd just stomped on. "Get out of my house, Soda. Now."

Soda cleared his throat with another cough before standing straight up. Blood was running down his nose. He looked Darry up and down and I held my breath for another fight but instead, Soda turned around, and went out the back door, slamming it shut as he left.

I felt like someone had just kicked me in the balls. This was all too familiar. Me standing here, watching the door, crying, hoping that maybe he'd come back through and say sorry and everything would be ok. Instead, I could only see darkness outside.

I never thought this image would be in this house. I never imagined Darry and Soda to have this fight. They hardly fought. Argued, sure. Never fought. Not Darry and Soda. Not this way. Not over the fact that Darry wanted to die. He wanted to _die_. Darry had _cancer_.

We all just stood here in the same place. Kathy was the fist one to move. She went over to the door and glanced out. She then went and got the broom and dustpan and started to clean up the glass that I was standing on. I couldn't move just yet.

"Danni..." I didn't expect the tone of his voice. I expected another scream. A loud voice telling me that it was late and to go to bed. A voice telling me it wasn't my business and to keep my nose out. Instead I got this: "Danni..."

I hiccuped. That was the only response I could come up with other than a silent sob. I was too scared to look at Darry. I didn't want to see the look on his face that I had just saw. It scared me.

"Come here, Danni." He slowly took my hand and led me into his room. I swallowed and followed, fearing the worse as he closed the door behind us. This is what parents do to the kid that's about to be spanked.

Darry let go of my hand. He went over to his dresser and pulled out a clean shirt and went into the bathroom. He wiped the blood off his face with a washcloth. I didn't know what to do so I sat on his bed and looked away as he changed shirts.

He came back into the room and handed me a warm washcloth. "Wash your face, Dan. It'll feel good."

I did what he said, wiping off all the tears from my face with the warm cloth. It felt so good against my skin and for a minute, I breathed easy. "Thanks."

He sat down next to me and took the rag once I was done with it. "I'm sorry you had to see that."

I hiccuped again. I didn't know what I was supposed to say. Did he want me to comfort him? After everything that just happened? After what he just told me? After what he just did to Sodapop when he was only trying to help?

I nodded, swearing when more tears came out as I did so.

He rubbed my back as I hung my head. "Don't cry, Danni. Please?" He said it so softly. He pulled me into his chest and stroked my hair as I let out the tears out on his new clean shirt. "Danni..."

"I don't want you to die."

He rubbed my upper arm and let out a deep breath. "You guys just don't understand. I'm sorry Danni. I'm sorry it has to be this way but it does. Maybe you'll understand when you're older."

Darry isn't that much older than me, yet he thought he had so much knowledge with age. He always had. Darry didn't know it all like he thought. Very far from it. I didn't believe that I'd ever understand _this._

We stayed like this for a while. I heard Kathy slip out a few minutes ago. I'd imagine she was going back home now. I knew going to Florida was a bad idea. I just knew it was. But I still just wanted it to work. Something to go right.

Darry finally let me go as the sun started to come up. "We should both get some sleep now. It'll be better when you wake up."

I nodded, wiping my face and leaving to go to my room. It wasn't going to get better when I wake up. I'd experienced that. I always prayed it would get better after I wake up but it never did. You have to fall asleep first and that was the last thing I wanted to do.

I needed to talk.

* * *

"I figured you'd call me." He took a seat on the swing next to me. "Didn't think it'd be this soon though. Didn't we just see each other a few hours ago? You know it's like six in the mornin' don't ya? I'm I just that irresistible?"

I watched my bare feet slid against the dirt under my swing. "Sorry if I woke you."

He leaned in a little closer. Close enough to where he saw my face. "Have you been crying?"

"You said you're a good listener. You said we could talk sometime." I looked up at him. "I really need to talk right now. Are you up for that?"

He studied me. We stared at each other like foreign objects. I thought about getting up and running back home. This wasn't his place to hear me rant again or to hear me cry. It wasn't his place to sit here and talk to me like we actually knew each other or were actually friends instead of complete strangers. I just didn't have anyone else I could go to. I didn't have anyone that wouldn't judge me like he wouldn't.

He shrugged and leaned back on the swing. "Yeah. Yeah, sure."

My voice quivered as I took in a breath. I didn't know where to began so I started with Darry telling us he had cancer, then the part about him not wanting treatments and wanting to die, and then the fight. "He tried to comfort me after...I think."

"You never said how you feel about it," Peter stated simply. "I mean, Kathy and Soda are on the same side in this, correct? Darry's pushed them away because they're so apposed to it so where do you stand?"

I hadn't thought about it. I didn't pick a side or decided upon an opinion because I was just tired of...just tired. "I don't want him to die. I also understand his point. He wants to die. I just...I dunno, I get it is all."

"Why do you understand?"

I kicked the dirt around with the tip of my big toe. "I don't know. I understand his point. Darry is very prideful, and I guess I am too. He takes care of us and he wants to up until the day he dies. It's what he wants. I don't like it but...I get it."

Peter was quiet for a minute. He watched me play with the dirt as I drew a smile in it. A smile that I wish was on my face right now. "How long does he have?"

"I don't know. He didn't tell us. It didn't sound like long though."

Peter inwardly sighed. "I'm sorry, Dan. I never thought that was why Kathy and him called it quits."

"I never did either," I said quietly. "We start school soon too. I can't imagine what hell that'll bring."

We sat quietly and listened to the birds wake everyone up for the day. I wondered if Darry noticed I was gone yet or if he had even gotten up yet or if he just spent the night wallowing in his grief. Did Darry feel guilty for pushing Soda out?

Peter coughed, clearing his throat. "It'll be alright. School I mean. Darry will be ok too." His eyes turned to me. "Don't sell him so short. He looks like a pretty tough guy. I don't take him as the type to sit back and let this beat him."

"I never did either," I said. "It's just...after all the deaths we've been through, I never would have thought he'd make us go through another one. His even. Darry is like a rock. A rock that is indestructible. I never..."

He slowly moved his foot over to mine. The end of his wooden swing tipped the side of mine as he touched my foot with his. I stared down at our feet. "Hey, don't look at it that way. It's not over 'till it's over, Dan."

I took a deep breath, slumping my shoulders back. "I'm just so tired."

He stood up and brushed himself up. "Then start fighting, Danni. Stop using excuses. Fight. It's all you can do. Fight rather than feel sorry for yourself all the time." He held out his hand to me to help me off the swing. "Let me take you home."

I stared at this stranger's hand held out in front of me, unsure if I should take it or not. Fight. I've always fought. It's all I've known. I've fought off death. I've fought off a monster. I've fought off sadness and grief. I've fought off the will to just fall and die. I've fought for so many things in this life...and I've won. I'm a fighter. And so is Darry.

I took Peter's hand, letting him lead me home.

_'Cause it's the heat of the moment. __Heat of the moment. __The heat of the moment showed in your eyes. __And when your looks are gone and you're alone. __How many nights you sit beside the phone? __What were the things you wanted for yourself? __Teenage ambitions you remember well._

* * *

**A/N: **So there you have it folks. Anyone shocked by Soda's reaction or Darry's? Thanks as always for tuning in. :)


	7. Swim

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the _Outsiders_ or the song _Smells Like Teen Spirit_.

**A/N: **Thanks so much for the reviews!

* * *

_Load up on guns and bring your friends. It's fun to lose and to pretend. She's over-bored and self-assured. Oh no, I know a dirty word. Hello, hello, hello, how low? Hello, hello, hello, how low? Hello, hello, hello, how low? Hello, hello, hello_

I returned home, finding Darry eating eggs in the kitchen. He had his work stuff on. He couldn't have gone to sleep. I felt bad for him being up all night, especially with what happened. He didn't exactly deserve any of that...really.

I gently closed the door behind me. He hollered out to me, "Where'd you go?"

"For a walk." I went into the kitchen and poured myself a glass of milk. "I just needed to get some fresh air. Sorry."

He shrugged and took another bite of eggs and turned the page in the newspaper. "It's fine. I figured you wouldn't sleep. You really should though, you know? You don't get much as it is."

I took my glass and sat down beside him. He was intently reading the paper. He was very calm, just breathing. "Did you sleep?"

"Nah," he said. "Wouldn't have made much of a difference. Would of had to get up in an hour anyway. You want some breakfast?" I nodded and got up and put some bread in the toaster and got the butter out of the fridge. "You, uh, hear from Soda any?"

I put the knife down and breathed out. Soda was probably at Jennie's. That's the first place he would have gone. I figured Darry knew that too. I wasn't too worried about where he ended up last night. I knew Soda. "No."

Darry finished off his eggs and put his plate in the sink. "I gotta go to work. Get some sleep while I'm gone."

"I'll do the dishes," I said, smearing butter over my toast.

He got a rag and started cleaning off the table. He rubbed his tired eyes. "You don't have to. I can get them when I get home or whatever you want to do. What are you gonna do today?"

I eyed him from the corner of my eye. "I dunno. I don't work the rest of the week. Might go run somewhere or do some shopping or clean or...I don't know."

He took a deep breath as he turned around to me. "Are you mad at me?" he asked out of the blue. I paused at the sudden urge to ask that. "I can't ever tell with you."

"No. No, I'm not mad at you," I whispered quietly. "It's just a lot to take in, Dar. I'm gonna...I'm gonna need some time to let this sink in. It's gonna take a while."

He rubbed my shoulder and nodded. "I know. I don't want you to be mad at me though. I can't take anyone else to be mad at me. I've already got two and tomorrow night probably three."

I'd forgotten Pony coming home tomorrow. I wondered if Soda had gotten to him yet or if he was going to come home and be completely blindsided like the rest of us. How would he even react? Jesus.

"I'm not," I said plainly. "Don't worry, Darry. I'm not going to leave you."

* * *

Jennie was sitting on the sofa, listening to Soda as he paced back and forth, blowing off more steam. I sat on the ground, playing with Suzie and her Barbies, slightly listening to him. It was all stuff I heard him say last night. Soda made his opinion known. He didn't sleep last night either and by the look on Jennie's face, she didn't get much sleep.

"Did he say anything to you after Soda left?" Jennie asked me. "Like...well anything?"

I shook my head and combed through one of the doll's blonde hair. "He didn't want me to be mad at him. He told me he was sorry I had to see Soda and him fight like that. He seemed sorta upset."

Soda paused for a minute and looked at me. "He did?"

"Yeah. I just think he's got a lot going on and...he didn't real mean that, Soda. He didn't mean to act like that." I didn't really even believe myself. Soda and I both knew Darry meant to hit him. Soda hit him first though. I didn't mention that.

"I'm sorry too...for you seeing that." He hung his head. "I-I don't know what came over me. He just makes me so damn mad!"

Suzie covered her mouth. "That's a bad word!"

Soda's had a lot of built up anger for a while. Death can do that to a person. Almost dying can do that to a person. A person who thought their complexion was broken as well as their spirit. "No...it's ok. You had a right to be angry I guess."

Soda rubbed his head while Jennie stroked the top of his head. "Darry will come around. I'm sure he's not mad at you. It's just a really emotional thing to go through. He's gotta be scared."

We never considered that. How Darry felt. Darry was the one that was going to die. We were really being the selfish one's here. "I really think he is."

Soda lifted his head up and let out a tiresome sigh. "I can't believe it..."

"None of us can," I said, hanging my head. "Darry...of all people."

Soda covered his face with his elbow and sighed. "God, he makes me so mad! I mean, what's the big deal? Does he really not think I can handle taking care of everything while he's doing this! You have a job you could get more hours on and Pony has been begging Darry to let him work. What's the big freakin' deal?"

"He just doesn't want help," I answered. "You know how Darry is. I'm sure he's thought about this Soda and maybe he knows something we don't. Maybe it is the right choice."

His eyes got big. "How can you say that? Aren't you mad?"

"Like you?" I asked, a little irritated by his tone. "Why should I be mad?"

Soda grew defensive fast. I couldn't tell if it was from lack of sleep or pure annoyance. "I just don't see how you could just stand there while he told us that. He's being an idiot!"

"You're mad because I didn't pitch a big fit like you and haul off and hit him like you did?"

He looked shocked. I turned away from him, hoping the conversation would end at that but it didn't. "Why _aren't_ you mad? I didn't see you defending me any."

"Oh hell I did!" I turned around and shouted. "I told him to stop. What did you want me to do? No, I'm not mad like you are. I don't feel like being mad at him because he's _dying_ and I can be mad until the day he dies or suck it up!"

"You're not helping the cause by sticking by him," he argued back. "He thinks just because you agree with him, we all will. Danni, we can get him to fight if you just tell him you're pissed he's not."

I shook my head. "I'm not pissed. You want my opinion? I think you're being a big baby Soda."

His mouth hung open and even Jennie stared at me a little longer. "_I'm_ being a baby? You just stood there! Do you even care that Darry's dying, Danni? You sure as hell don't act like it."

Jennie sighed, turning to him. "Soda don't."

"Well goddamn Soda, just because I didn't scream and yell and whine because my brother told me he was dying like a little brat, doesn't mean I don't care! My God!"

Jennie pointed at Suzie. "Go to your room."

Suzie crossed her arms over her chest and pouted. "Why?"

"Because I said so!" Jennie argued back as Soda and I sat in silence. "Just go to your room."

Reluctantly, Suzie got up and slammed her bedroom door shut, leaving us sitting in an awkward silence.

"How could you say that?" I asked, looking over my shoulder at him. He refused to look in my direction like _he_ was pouting because of something _I'd_ done.

Soda rubbed his face. "I just don't get you."

"Why?" I asked, getting defensive again. "I'm upset Darry's dying. Don't try and say I'm not. Do you want me to cry? Because I will. Darry doesn't want to fight but-"

"You don't want him to!" Soda jumped to. "Just say it, Danni!"

I forcefully stood up, slamming the palms of my hands on the floor as I did. "I don't have to sit here and listen to this. I want Darry to live just as much as you do! You think hitting him and running off is going to make him come around?"

"He kicked _me_ out!" Soda shouted back. "Just tell him you're mad!"

"I'm not!" I yelled, inching towards the door. "Don't you get it? Darry is going to die Soda! It's what he wants and sure, I fucking _wish_ I could do something about it but just signing up for treatments doesn't mean he'll live forever!"

Jennie stood up this time, standing in-between Soda and me. "Alright that's enough! You're both being stupid idiots! You haven't slept. So stop saying all this shit you don't mean!"

"Pony's coming home tomorrow," Soda threw out there. "What do you think he'll say? You gonna be there for him?"

I crossed my arms over my chest. I could feel how fast my chest was moving. "He'll be fine. If not, I'm sure he'll run to you."

"Damn, why do you have to be like that?"

I shook my head, going for the door. "I'm not the one who started this fight but I'm ending it. Grow up Soda! You're not a kid anymore. Take some fucking responsibility for your actions and _wake_ up! Be a fucking adult."

The sound of the door slammed echoed through my ears the whole walk home.

* * *

Most of us can't sleep when we are starting to fall in love. Same thing happens when that love breaks.

I had been trying to sleep. It was four in the morning. The voices in my head were loud tonight. Louder than they normally were. They had a lot to say. I turned to my side and faced the wall and breathed slowly. Maybe they'll leave. I knew better than to think that though. I closed my eyes and opened them and then did it again. Nothing. I could see his face now and no matter how many times I shut my eyes and opened them, it was still there. Now I knew I won't be able to sleep. A typical night. Self-medicate? No, I'm not going there.

I could see Darry in a bed, in the hospital, the sheet over his face and I shivered and clinched my sheets. I guess this is why most people are insomniacs. The voices won't go away. The memories keep coming back and the darkness always haunts us with the people we think about the most. You replay events over and over again, every word said, every blink, only blaming yourself in the end as always.

I got up and turned the lights on so the darkness would go away and so would the people standing around my bed. I sat on the edge of my bed and cried. Just a little, just to make it easier to breathe and so maybe, I could clear my thoughts. That's never going to happen though, crying never helps.

I walked down the hall and into the kitchen. I saw from the corner of my eye that Darry's light was still on. He says_ I_ need to sleep? Darry's walking the same line as I am.

I poured two glasses of milk and carried them and slowly opened his door. He was on his bed, reading one of Pony's books. He didn't seem too surprised to see me. Not surprised at all. Had he heard me crying?

I sat down on the end of his bed and handed him one of the glasses. "Can't sleep either?"

He sat up and took a sip. He shook his head. "You know, it's the worst feeling in the world. Being so damn tired and all you want to do is sleep but you just can't bring yourself to do it."

Oh how I knew. It was horrific. You don't know true pain until you can't sleep. You just lie there, trying to fall but you can't force your body to no matter how hard you try. Three days now. I think I got one hour. Maybe. I can never tell anymore. You know, you can survive longer without food than you can sleep?

Darry sipped on the end of the cup. "You've been up for almost 48 hours."

"So have you," I stated, taking a sip of my drink.

Darry rubbed his face. "Do you have any more of your pills left? You don't take them, do you?"

I shook my head. I told Darry when I got them I wouldn't. I didn't need pills to make me do something or make me feel better. That's what weak people do. They're weak. "You can have one."

He lay down on the bed, his head banging against his pillow. "Nah. I got to go to work in a few hours. You really need to sleep some, Dan. You're going to drive yourself crazy. Just take a pill. They won't hurt you. I promise."

I crawled across the bed and lay beside him. I stared up at the ceiling. "How are you gonna tell Pone?"

"Dunno," he said plainly. "I was still thinking of a way to tell ya'll when you busted through the door."

I wish we hadn't. I wish we hadn't forced Darry to tell us something so dramatic. Something he should have told us sitting down in a calm environment. That's what he wanted and we couldn't give him that. We were so selfish.

"I'm sorry," I said quietly. "For making you tell us. We shouldn't have done that."

He shook his head and deeply sighed. "You didn't know it was going to be like that. I should have told you guys when Kathy left. That was the plan. That's what she wanted but I just pushed her away...just like Sodapop."

I inched closer towards him, laying my head in his shoulder. I shut my eye and shuttered. "How long?"

"Three months," he said sadly. "Maybe longer depending."

I kept my eyes shut, trying not to cry. I'd run out of tears to shed. "Are you scared?"

He put his arm around my shoulder and sighed loudly. "Are you?"

"Yeah," I answered honestly. I nestled my head deeper into him. "I don't want you to die."

He gripped my shoulder, squeezing my body. He sighed. "I don't want to either. Believe me. I don't want to."

* * *

Darry wasn't home when I left at eight. I tried calling him at work but there was no answer. I left a note saying I'd be here and would be home later. I just needed to get my mind off of things for a while so somehow, I heard about this and right now, I'm standing here, debating whether it's the right choice to go in or not.

I took a deep breath and climbed up the steps and went inside.

The smoke burned my eyes as I closed the door behind me. I covered my mouth as I coughed and walked through the foggy cloud that was climbing over my head.

I quickly noticed there weren't many people here as opposed to Buck's on a Friday night. There were more hippies here than at Bucks and less high class. None the less, I still walked through the house, avoiding everyone until I got to the kitchen where the food and drinks were.

There was a group of people crowded around the sink snorting. I casually slipping in and grabbed a soda and walked back out. They didn't even turn around or care that they were in front of everyone.

"Well if it ain't the littlest Curtis." Tim's hip bone bumped into mine and the liquid in his drink splashed. "Long time."

I stared into my soda and followed him into the living room. He told me it was less crowded in the family room so that's where he took me. Tiffany and another girl were in there along with two guys. Tim introduced me and took out two fags. One for him and one for Tiffany.

I took a seat on the stool away from everyone. "It's surprising to see you here," Tiffany said, blowing out smoke from the corner of her mouth. "I don't think I've seen you at a party in a while."

I sipped on my drink, eyeing her cigarette. I'd forgotten how long it'd been since I had one. "Yeah. I just needed to get out for a while. Figured this place would be perfect."

"Ain't as good as Buck's parties," Tim pointed out. "Some kids are upstairs with pot."

Tiffany crossed her legs, inching closer to Tim. "How are you Danni? Haven't spoken to you in a long time."

"Alright," I answered quietly. "I've had better days."

Tiffany chugged down the colorful drink she had in her hand. She wiped her mouth off with her hand. "You're not going to drink?"

Tim casually took a sip from his bottle of Whiskey. "Danni don't drink."

One of the girls snickered as she cuddled up closer to the free boy to her right. She was smoking something that I knew didn't smell like a cigarette. She reeked of desperate and ignorance.

Tiffany curled up to where she was sitting in Tim's lap, his arm wrapped around her waist. Tiffany and Tim were 'the' officially couple now in town. The one everyone took notice to and gossiped about and stared at when they walked by. She'd changed Tim, that's for sure, but it was for the better. Since Tim started up with her, he participated in less fights, stole less, and hadn't been in cop trouble. She was showing off her work with him tonight and letting everyone know who was on top now.

"Went to see Dallas yesterday," Tim said as he lifted the bottle up and took another swig. "Fucker got his nose smashed. Was sent for another day alone where they keep the crazies."

My drink was empty now. I found my mouth watering for something other than soda and a smoke. "Oh?"

Tim slowly traced Tiffany's bare back with his fingers. "Yeah. Should be out soon, a few days, or so he says."

"Good for him," I said bitterly, flipping the cap of my can.

Tim noted the sourness of my tone and stared at me. He casually chuckled. "Lighten up. Guy ain't all that bad, Curtis."

"_Danni_," I corrected with a slight snap. "And I didn't say he was a _bad_ guy."

Tiffany stopped sucking on Tim's neck and was looking at me now too. Tim looked away and slopped his drink around. "You implied it..._Danielle_."

"Has he talked to you?"

"About you?" He raised both of his brows this time. "What's it to ya? You don't seem to give two shits. Probably haven't even gone to see the bastard."

I scowled at his sorry expression. "Have. For weeks. Wrote too. A bunch. Did he? No."

"Guy's a moron," he said. "You already knew that when you hooked up with him. Give the son-of-a-bitch a break." He pulled out a cigarette and lit it, taking it up to his lips and taking a long drag of it.

I stared and watched the smoke go up into the air, matching whatever was coming from the other girl's. I sat my empty soda down on the dresser and stood up. "He dumped me. You should ask him why or better yet, ask Dally what really happened to Sam. Be sure to tell him I sent you."

I walked out the door, heading straight towards the action.

* * *

I sat on the sofa, a slobbering idiot beside me. I finally got my cigarette. He gave it to me. I was sitting beside him smoking it. He couldn't even count to ten the guy was so out of it. I didn't bother to ask what he was on. I didn't care.

His hand was on my thigh and my eyes were blasting it with lasers. I think he thought he was flirting by telling me I was pretty and then spilling half of his bottle of Vodka all over himself. He was sweating like a pig already.

"S'the bedrooms are s'upstairs," he pointed out, drool running down the corner of his mouth. "Wanna go?"

I gently pushed his hand off of me. It was unpleasantly warm and sticky. "Actually, no. I'm...on my period."

He thought about that one for a minute. He looked me over as if everyone who was on their period had a label or a big red dot on their forehead. "Uh, it's ok. I'm _flexible_."

"No," I told him. "No it isn't about that. You can't have sex when a girl's on their period. Ok?"

He took another minute to think about that. Then he staggered out, "Yeah, yeah you can!"

I shook my head, slipping his bottle away from him. I took a sip of it and shook my head again as the bitter taste ran over my tongue. "Nope. I don't think so. It's in sex-ed. I could, you know, die if you're too hard."

His face was enough to make me giggle. Sure, I was being mean by telling his poor, lonely guy that I was on my period when I really wasn't and that if he touched me the wrong way, I could die. Everyone's mean though. The world is so why not jump on board and join the party?

"S'why you laughin'?" He backed away a little. "I-I don't want s'you to die!"

I took another sip and shook my head, waving my hands. "No. No I'm not really on my period. Don't worry. I'm not gonna die either. I was just shitting with you."

He looked confused, not knowing whether it was day or night. "Why did s'you say that?"

I handed him back his bottle and patted him on the back. "Because I'm not having sex with you. Sorry, bud."

He blankly stared at me as I got up and went into the kitchen. I should feel bad. I didn't even catch his name. Shoot.

I walked up the stairs, smelling a strong sent of smoke I'd only smelled a couple of times in parking lots and occasionally upstairs at Buck's. It was a strong smell of smoke, almost herb like. Everyone knew what it was and so did I.

I could see the smoke coming from the bed rooms. Apparently, people get high rather than have sex at this party. The smell got stronger the closer I got. I made a face and went into the bathroom.

She was bent over the toilet, her make-up and face distressed. She wiped the side of her mouth and got up off the floor and flushed the toilet. She didn't take her eyes off me nor did I her.

She rose up and the ends of her lips curled at the sight of me, revealing her sharp teeth. "Well, well, well, little Ms. Danielle Curtis. It's been a long time."

I grinned. "It has...Sylvia."

_With the lights out, it's less dangerous. Here we are now, entertain us. I feel stupid and contagious. Here we are now, entertain us. A mulatto, an albino. A mosquito, my libido. Yeah, hey, yay._


	8. Till You Drown

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the _Outsiders_ or the song _My Medicine_.

**A/N: **Extra-long chapter.

* * *

_I'll drink what you leak. And I'll smoke what you sigh. Straight across the room with a look in your eye. I got a man to his left and a girl to hers right. Start to sweat so hold me tighter. Somebody mixed my medicine. I don't know what I'm on_.

She went to the sink and started washing her hands. She turned away from me and studied herself in the mirror. She ran her index finger under both of her eyes, clearing the black smudge away. She made a disgusting sound at it on her finger.

"Make-up. My mother always said the devil made the stuff. Didn't believe her at the time." She twister her finger around, taking a good long look at the black on it. "Starting to believe her now."

I watched her collect herself, not knowing if I should leave of not. She hadn't been around very much. Last I heard, she moved away for a little while because her mother was so bad off. She went to live with her father but didn't come back home for months and when she did, she was different...no one could put their finger on how.

She gazed over at me. "Jesus Curtis! Were you raised in a barn? Come in and shut the fucking door!" She brushed her hands at me, motioning me to do it and do it quickly.

I did as told and slowly shutting the door behind me but leaving it cracked. I waited a minute before I turned back around. "What are you doing in here by yourself?"

She sneered at me. "What? You thought I'd be upstairs with some chump? Nah, Curtis. Not my thing any more."

I shrugged, leaning against the wall beside the door. "Not with the supply of guys at this place anyway."

She laughed and ran the water over her hands, rubbing the soap on them. "Funny. What are you doing here anyway? Heard you don't do parties anymore. Wonder why that is. Oh that's right!"

"I heard you went to a crazy house," I threw back. "People like to talk about others, especially in this town."

Her back bent as she rose up like a cat. Standing straight up like that, I could see how skinny she'd gotten. Sylvia always had curves with a large butt and breasts to match. It's what made her who she was. The man-eating devil woman this town knew her as. Her body was her best feature.

Her eyes centered on me and her dark red lips curled up. "Yeah. Pops did it. It was his idea of a late birthday present. You know, to make up for the seven of them he missed."

"How'd it go?" I asked.

Her bony shoulders shrugged up. "Great. Can't you tell? But, I'm more curious about you. I've been hearing a lot about you since I got back, you know. Any of it true?"

I raised an eyebrow. "Which part of it?"

"Dallas."

I propped my foot up against the wall behind me and crossed my arms over my chest. "You're going to have to be more specific than that."

Her pearly white teeth fully flashed as she picked up her burning cigarette and put it in-between her lips. She took a long whiff of it and then blew it out slowly in my face. Once she was done, she held it out to me, as if an offering from the devil itself. I stared at it. The red lipstick stain on the end of it.

"It's not poison," she said, pushing it more. "What? You too good for fags now too? C'mon. You know you want it." She dangled it under my nose. "Come on, princess."

I snatched it away from her make her smile raise more. I took a long drag of it and slowly let the smoke roll off my lips. My nerves went to sleep and I stood more loosely. "Don't call me princess."

She smirked, taking the stick back. "It's all I've heard since I've been back. The perfect couple, Danni and Dallas, is on a _break_. Everyone's talking about it, ya know."

"We weren't perfect," I said.

She shrugged. She bent over, showing off just how short her dress was. She got her purse from the sticky place it was between the toilet and the tub. She sat it on the counter and got out her lighter and a self-rolled weed.

"Here." She pushed it towards me. "It'll make you feel better. Trust me."

The lighter felt heavy in my hand. I knew just by the sight that what she gave me wasn't a cigarette. I'd never _really_ smoked pot before. Pony did once and got really sick afterwards and told me never to do it. People did it all the time at the parties I used to go to. Dally would kick back and get high too some nights when we were together.

I put it up to my lips and clicked open the lighter.

Sylvia sneered at the sight. "I guess you finally figured out just what a great man Dallas Winston is, ay?"

I hesitated before I lit the stick in my mouth. "How can you call him a man?"

Sylvia licked her lips. She sat on the counter top, not bothering to keep her legs crossed. "Oh trust me. Dallas is a man. Once you've fucked someone like him...damn things just ain't the same after."

The stick was still in my mouth as if it was a foreign object. I never saw what was so great about smoking weed. The hippies were the ones that got it started and now it seemed like everyone had at least tried it. Angela got really into it right after she had Jake and made me try it once. I only took one puff before I was done with it.

"You gonna smoke it or not, Curtis?" she asked. "It ain't gonna kill you. Live a little."

"Why are you being so nice to me?" I gave in, lighting the stick. I sucked in, tasting strong. I held the smoke in a little longer than normal before letting it out.

Sylvia watched me, entertained. "I'm giving you weed, not making a peace offering, Curtis. 'Sides, that was how long ago? And last time I checked, we were both fucked and dumped by the same low life pig. You could say we're sisters. We get each other."

The bathroom door was still cracked and I could see everyone running through the halls. There were boys taking girls into rooms and coming out a few minutes later to their buddies that stood outside. They'd laugh and high five each other and then smell each other's fingers as if it was their medal of honor.

"How did he do it?" she asked, bringing me back. "What clever line did he come up with this time?"

I took another drag. I coughed. "H-He didn't really. Said nothing as a matter of fact. Just told me to leave and never come back."

Sylvia laughed. She didn't hide how loud she was cackling. "Damn. Charmer, ain't he? Eh, don't sweat it Curtis. You can always steal Tim back. He's probably getting bored with _Tiffany_ by now."

By the way she said her name I could tell Sylvia didn't like Tiffany. Sylvia was after Tim right around the time he and Tiff got together. Like really after him. She wanted to have a_ serious_ relationship. Tim never would go with Sylvia. The only times they did get together was so Tim could piss Dally off. Tim never saw anything more in her than a piece of meat. I didn't think he really even liked her.

"You upset about it?"

"No."

"You sure?"

"No."

I took hit after hit. She offered to take me next door. She said there was acid there and more pot but I turned her down. She kept talking about Dally. That's all she talked about. Her and Dally. Her and Dally having sex. Her and Dally at parties. Her and Dally fighting.

"How do you feel?"

I was starving. Music down stairs was intense and I could hear every little detail in the song. Despite the fact that Sylvia's stories were really interesting, the only thing that fascinated me was the lipstick stains on her front two teeth and how badly I wanted to scrub them off.

Sylvia started laughing again. She got down from the counter, grabbing her purse. "I'm going to see if I can't find some action. It was good talking to you Curtis. Lighten up some more and call me sometime. I promise you I can show you a good time, that is, if you're up for it. You know where to find me."

* * *

I sat crisscrossed on the couch, eating the rest of the chips. They were Soda's chips. Pony was going to be home any second now. Darry was pacing in front of me, going over what he was going to say for the hundredth time.

I felt light and slightly tired. I continued eating like I hadn't eaten in weeks. I couldn't wait until this feeling wore off though I didn't want to stop feeling this way. Sylvia's offer kept playing in my mind. It made me giggle hearing her say it as if she wanted to seduce me.

"What do you think he'll say?" Darry asked me.

I licked the salt off my fingers, savoring the flavor. "I honestly don't know."

The front door opened. Pony opened it, happily throwing his bags on the floor and letting out a deep breath. "That bus ride was killer. I think Mike hit every bump on the road. With all that fast food in my stomach, I thought I was gonna barf all over Henry."

Darry and I both exchanged a look before staring at him. Darry froze, just standing there. "D-did you do good?"

"One of the scouts talked to me for a minute." He took a seat next to me, leaning back and relaxing. "I came in fourth overall but the guy said that wasn't bad at all considering the competition and he gave me his information."

Darry nodded, seeming proud. I'd forgotten how excited Darry was that Pony had this opportunity. He wanted to go to California with him but just couldn't get the time off. It's all he could talk about and I know it made Pony feel real good that he had all the attention on him for once and Darry was being so nice to him.

"Where's Soda?"

I held my breath, looking at Darry. He looked at me as if he wanted me to answer. I don't think it was in his script to answer this. It got quiet and we all sat awkwardly.

"I'm proud of you," Darry broke the ice, changing the subject back. "You worked really hard. I told you it'd all pay off. Do you think the guy will call you or do you have to call him?"

Pony got a puzzled look on his face. He looked over at me, mentally asking what was going on. "I, uh, I think he's going to call me in the fall when cross country starts."

"Right." Darry rubbed his head. He looked like a deer in headlights. I've never seen him like this. Darry's normally chill about things like this. He gets upset, mad, but never scared. Not like this.

"Where did you say Soda was?"

I looked down at my empty chip bag. I didn't know what to say or I would say something. Darry stopped pacing and sat down in his chair, letting out a sigh. "We've got to talk."

"He's ok, right?" Pony's eyes got big and worry washed over his face. "H-he's not hurt or anythin', right?"

Darry shook his head. He leaned forward and sat his hands on his knees. "He's fine, Pone. Don't worry. He's at Jennie's. Me and you got to talk about something."

Pony looked at me again, mentally asking the same thing as before. I kept my eyes on the ground, not wanting to look at him when Darry told him this. I wasn't sure I wanted to hear it again.

"Danni and Soda already know," Darry went on. "I wanted to tell you together but some things happened and I had to tell them first. Soda didn't agree with what was going on so he went to cool off. I went to the doctor about two weeks ago. I was getting some pretty bad nose bleeds on the job and my boss told me I should get it check out and..."

I blacked out the rest of the conversation. Darry told Pony about what the doctor said about him getting cancer and the tumor in his leg. He went on to tell him about Kathy leaving and us following her down to Florida. Then he told him about not doing the treatments. In all of this, Pony didn't say a word. Not a one. I didn't know what to think. The only thing that was on my mind was how badly I wanted hot chocolate and how I missed Christmas.

I remember how Christmas went here this year. It was one of the better ones we had. Kathy cooked a huge breakfast the night before with Soda and they even made homemade cinnamon buns like my mom did every year. On Christmas morning we all went downstairs to find presents out that 'Santa' had left. It was the first year since our parents died we did that. It was the first Christmas that felt like the ones we used to have.

I remember how warm it was that day. Darry built a huge fire and we all snuggled up with blankets and drank hot chocolate and watched old Christmas movies. The really old ones. We spent the whole day outside having snowball fights and building snowmen just like the old days. Steve, Two-Bit, Emily, and Johnny even came over to join in. It was like we'd all jumped in a time-machine and went back to three years ago and we forgot all about the past.

But the past is always with us, just waiting to mess-up the present. Life happens and it happens fast.

Pony still remained quiet when Darry finished up his speech. I stared at him, waiting for a reaction but his face was just plain. His lips were a straight line. He didn't even look sad.

"You ok?" Darry finally asked, getting fed up with the eerier feeling this quietness was bringing.

Pony sat on his hands. He leaned forward and rubbed his chin, thinking. "Soda ran off?"

Darry didn't include the part about fighting with Soda and a fist fight breaking out. "Sorta."

"He's mad you won't do treatments." It wasn't a question. Pony probably knew Soda better than anyone else and it wasn't that hard to figure out. "How long do you have?"

"Three months."

It'd be June. Pony and I would be seniors and getting ready to spend our last summer in Tulsa and probably together as a family and Darry wouldn't be here. Darry wouldn't be here to see us graduate. He wouldn't see Pony get that scholarship. He wouldn't see any of his college meets. He wouldn't see any of us walk down the aisle or hold any of our children. He would be gone in June.

"So that's it?" Pony asked, his tone snappy. "W-what do you want me to say, Darry?"

"You don't have to say anything Pone," he said sincerely. "I-I...I'm sorry. I'm real sorry but it's bigger than me."

Pony rubbed his face over and over again. I could vaguely see his bottom chin start to quiver. He bit his bottom lip to try and stop it. "I-I can't believe it." He stood up, gripping his head.

Darry stared up at him, his eyes soft. "Pony..."

"I can't believe you're that prideful that you'd let us all watch you die!"

I pressed my lips together again.

Darry stood up timidly. He watched Pony walk around the floor, not turning around. "I know you don't understand. It seems like no one does but...just don't yell at me, alright?"

"Then what do you want me to do?" Pony turned around forcefully. His face was covered in tears. "Darry...you're gonna die in three months and you're telling me not to be upset?"

"You can be upset," Darry said softly. "Just don't yell at me. I already got one brother mad at me and not speaking to me, a girlfriend who left me, I can't take you to be mad at me either."

Pony pressed his head against the wall and pounded it lightly with his fist. He let out a silent sob, trying to calm himself down. "I can't believe this!"

Darry walked over to him and put his hand on his shoulder. "I know, Pone. I know. I'm sorry."

Pony stood straight up, letting Darry's hand fall. He grabbed his jacket and threw it on. "I gotta go talk to Soda." He wiped his tears away. "I just gotta go see Soda."

"Don't," Darry begged. "Pony, it's late. Just stay here. You ain't going out in the dark by yourself now get in here!"

Pony chocked on another sob as he grabbed the doorknob. Darry tried to pull him back but Pony pushed him off, running out into the night. Darry went out on the porch and watched him run down the street, thinking of running after him but quickly decided against it.

I pulled my knees up to my chest. I rested my forehead on them and breathed out. I felt anxious. Ready to burst. I let out a few deep breaths and listened to the night bugs outside.

"Danni..." I lifted my head up as Darry called me. He had his hand under his nose, blood pouring onto the floor in huge amounts. I clenched my stomach as I smelt it. "I think you're gonna have to take me to the hospital."

* * *

I kept my eyes on the road. I had to blink a few times to get used to the darkness. My hands were shaking and I didn't know if it was because of the pot or all the blood that was coming out of my brother.

The towel he held up to his nose was red now. The blood kept coming out no matter how hard he tried to stop it and he was turning paler with each passing minute. I could see how weak he was getting.

"Don't cry."

I reached my shaking hand up to my face. It was wet.

"Call S-Soda when we get there."

"Darry...I-I..."

"It's going to be ok, Danni. I-It'll be ok. Don't cry. Don't cry."

I sat in the waiting room. A man came out and helped take Darry in. A nurse gave me a cup of coffee while I called Soda. He was on his way now with Pony. He promised to hurry.

I held my legs. The nurse who gave me the coffee said her name was Kristen. She stayed with me for a little while, giving me all the good magazines the nurses keep behind the desk for themselves. I didn't read any of them but she left them for me anyway. She asked me what was wrong with Darry but I couldn't get the word out.

She was real slim and had long red hair. She looked like an older version of Cherry Valence. She reminded me of her too. I meant to thank her before she got called back.

The E.R. is a scary place at night. There are two or three lights that don't work and they only keep the television on paid programs. Tonight their selling cooking knifes and by the crowd that's in here, that's not a good thing to be selling.

The guy across from me keeps staring at me and picking at the huge scab on his knee. He's about forty with a long beard and hair. He barely has on any clothes and he has a woman with him who weighs a good three-hundred pounds.

Darry doesn't fit in with these people here. He's nothing like them. All of them are only sick because of things they've done to themselves - drugs, alcohol, pure stupidity. Darry wasn't a partier. He only drank some and he just tried pot a few times in high school. He never did anything stupid, he ate right, exercised, everything he was supposed to do to maintain a long healthy life. Yet here we were. Why though? Why him when he did everything right?

"Danni." Soda ran through the waiting room practically lifting me up off my chair and into a hug. "What's going on? Have they told you anything?"

I shook my head, parting from him. I saw Pony behind him and a blonde that wasn't Jennie. My eyes sat on her. "N-no. I don't know anything. No one's came and talked to me yet."

"I'm gonna go see if I can't talk to someone. You ok?" I nodded as he raced off to the nurses table.

Pony stared at me, his eyes as red as mine. "Did it happen right after I left?"

"Yeah." Tears were falling again. I pulled him in a tight hug and we held each other for a while. I didn't open my eyes but I knew the blonde was still standing behind us, not sure what to do.

When Pony finally let go of me and went off to help Soda, she lifted her head up and looked at me. "W-why are you still here?" I asked.

"I stayed a little longer to say good bye to some people. Soda called me." She walked towards me and for the first time, I could see that she'd been crying as well. "Are you alright?"

"No," I sobbed quietly. "No I'm not okay."

She pulled me into her chest, letting me cry.

* * *

Darry was fine. The doctors let us back to see him after they got him settled in a room. They wanted to keep him overnight to make sure he was alright. Darry protested but reluctantly gave in after seeing some of the test results the doctor gave to him. He wouldn't let us see them but we all knew what they said.

Soda was beside the bed. He and Darry spoke some as soon as we got back here. Just about how he was doing and simple things like that. Pony was on the other side of Darry.

"You really scared the crap out of me." Soda loosely chuckled. "I didn't know what to think when Dan called me. We were all freaking out. I-I didn't know what to think when Dan called me."

I was on the bed with Darry. He had his arm around me and I had no intentions of moving yet.

Darry sighed. "I know. I'm sorry. I wish ya'll wouldn't have seen this."

"I should have been there is my point," Soda said softly. I could see more tears forming in his eyes. "You said it yourself - it's time for me to take care of things."

He rubbed away the tears and sniffled. Darry's eyes softened a bit. He didn't stop staring at Kathy though as she stood in the back of the room, not saying anything. I think it made him feel good to know she came and was still here.

"Soda, will you come back home?" Darry asked bluntly.

Soda wiped his nose on the back of his hand. The tears were slowly escaping down his cheeks. "Darry...please do the treatments. Please don't put us through this. Darry please."

"Soda I've made up my mind," Darry said softly. "And I'm so sorry. I've thought long and hard about this and I think it's the best option. I understand your side but consider this my dying wish, will ya?"

"Don't say that," Soda sobbed quietly. "Y-You're not gonna die Darry. Don't...don't say that."

"I am, Soda."

Everyone got quiet. Soda's sobbing was the only noise in the room. Looking around, I could see everyone looking at the ground. I think Pony was crying again. We'd all forgotten he'd just got home from one of the best experiences of his life and then we dump this all on him and no we're at a hospital with our dying brother.

Soda lifted his head up. "I'm sorry. I'm real sorry I hit you, Darry."

Darry rubbed his head, tasseling his hair. "I know, little buddy. I know you are. I'm sorry too. I should have never done that. Not after what you had to hear. Come home, Sodapop. Come home."

Soda buried his head in the sheets again, crying loudly. Darry rubbed his back, shushing him.

I turned my attention back to Kathy. She was crying again too. Sobbing his time.

Darry gazed up at her and saw her tears. "The offer stands for you too...if you want it."

Kathy's chest heaved. She put her hand over her mouth to keep from making any noise. "I-I don't know i-i-if I can."

Darry nodded. He continued to rub Soda's back but didn't take his eyes off Kathy. "I'd mean a lot to me if you come home, Kat. You know you stayed here for a reason."

"I-I don't want to watch you die."

"C'mere." Darry let go of Soda and going to Kathy. He pulled her down to him. Their faces were almost touching. He gently leaned forward and barely touching her lips with his. "Please."

"Who are you and what have you done with Darry Curtis?" she asked, wiping away some of her tears.

"It's going to be ok," he repeated again for a fifth time that night. "It's going to be ok. I promise."

I always trusted Darry when he said those words. My parents funeral, court dates, when Pony ran away, when he fought for custody, when I moved back home, when Jeff killed Angela, and now. Darry's always been right. Every time he's said those words, he was always right. I only hoped this time he was too.

_Somebody mixed my medicine. I don't know what I'm on. Somebody mixed my medicine. But baby it's all gone. Somebody mixed my medicine. Somebody's in my head again. Somebody mixed my medicine again._


	9. All Turns Blue

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the _Outsiders_ or the song, _Heartbreak Dawn_.

**A/N: **Thank you all very much for the reviews! :) Part 1 of this story is almost over!

* * *

_I like to think that I'm a pretty good kisser. I like to think I maybe broke a few hearts. But since I met you I'm a victim of disaster. I like to think I got it down to an art. So here's where the problem starts. You're shitting on my heart. Oh I can't take it again and again and again._

"Tell me all about Florida!"

School had started back. Spring break didn't seem long enough. Soda moved back in Sunday and so did Kathy. No one said anything that day but Darry took us all out to lunch and suggested that next Sunday we all go to church together. I haven't been to church since my parent's funeral.

Sarah and I were outside on the bleachers watching the boy's P.E. class do laps. Sarah told me all about her break and what she and Johnny did every day. Johnny was living with her now. His mother went to live with her brother in Oklahoma City. Word is she isn't doing so well and will probably die by the end of the summer. Johnny seemed to be doing ok and he and Pony had been hanging out more and he'd been over at the house more lately. All he could talk about was Sarah and she the same.

"Do you know who Peter Smith is?" I asked.

"No," she answered. "Why? Are you two going out? Did you meet him in Florida?"

I laughed and shook my head. "No, I'm not going out with him. Yes I met him in Florida. He's a student here."

"Never heard of him," she said, taking a bit of her turkey sandwich. "Do you like him?"

I shrugged, pulling my hair up into a ponytail because of the heat. The sun was directly on us and I wished I'd worn cooler clothing. "No. I just met him. I have next period with him."

Sarah grinned from ear to ear. Her cheeks where puffed up from the bread and meat still inside her mouth. "You should ask him to prom! What's he like? Is he cute?"

I told her all about meeting him and telling him about Dally. She informed me about how bad of an idea that was and couldn't believe I'd done it. I told her about him telling me he didn't care in the car and then how I talked to him right after Darry told us he was sick and how much better he made me feel. How no one had made me feel that good in a long time. Not even Dally.

"Like I said, ask him to prom!"

"I'm not going to prom," I told her again more sternly. I kicked back and crossed my arms over my chest while she finished up her lunch and I drank the rest of my soda. "Have you gotten your dress yet?"

She licked the salt off her fingers and moved on to her chips, popping the bag open. "I want you to come with me. I want to shop for dresses together." She lightly kicked me with her foot. "Please?"

"I don't really like to shop," I said, pressing my lips together and thinking of a way to get out of it. "I'm not going to prom either. I just told you that...again."

She just shook her head and leaned back on the bleachers beside me. "I bet you ten dollars you'll end up going."

"Deal."

"I'll ask Johnny to find someone for you," she begged again. "He's really made a lot of friends in youth group at church. That's where you can find a date! There are tons of good single guys at church!"

Sarah had pushed me to go to her church with her ever since I met her. Her grandmother was real religious and had crosses all over the house and she was always watching a religious program on T.V. or reading a devotional or the Bible itself. She'd gotten Johnny really into it and he'd take Pony a few times and I think he kinda liked it but I hadn't been to church since my parent's funeral.

"I don't really like church anymore," I said quietly. I dug at my nails. "I don't need a date either. I just don't want to go, Sarah. I might go next year. I really don't want to go. That's all."

"That's all?"

"That's all."

* * *

Mr. Parson's had been our teacher all semester. He was old and had been here for twenty years now. He told us this every day. Darry and Soda both had him and went on about how great of a guy he was. He was really big. His stomach stuck out over his pants but his legs were real slim and he always wore some sort of bow tie with every outfit. He had glasses too that were too big and sank down over his face when he wrote out problems on the chalk board.

He was a nice enough guy. He gave me a ton of extra credit after I failed his midterm last week and even agreed that if I tutored some younger students, he wouldn't send a note home to be signed.

Peter was across the room. I figured out where he sat. Mr. Parson's was still getting his stuff together so I figured out how new he really was. He was all the way across the room from me but I couldn't help but stare. Did he have that many freckles a few weeks ago? Can you grow freckles?

I never noticed how much he looked like Kathy. He had the baby face down but it looked different on him. With his body built, he could pass for nineteen if he really tried. He seemed taller now too. You can't grow that fast, right?

Kathy talked some about him to me last night. She told me about spending summers there back when his mother worked and she babysat him and his sister. She talked about what a handful he was and how one time he got out the paint and painted a smiley face on the toilet and it took her all day to get it off.

Looking at him now, I couldn't see how he would ever be so devious.

"You wanna be partners?"

I looked up to see him standing beside me, a bright friendly smile on his face. I lifted my head up, coming back to reality. "Uh, what?"

"Partners," he repeated. "Like the two of us, working on math, here, at school, where we are."

I rubbed my head and cleared a space for him to pull a desk up next to mine. He grinned and put his books down and got out his notebook where he'd written all the notes I missed out on taking.

"How's it going?" he asked as he flipped open his math book. "Kathy told me she moved back. That's great, isn't it? I knew she would. She loves your brother too much."

"Yeah," I said, tapping my pencil against my desk, not knowing what else to do because I had no idea where my math book was but I didn't want to tell him that. "How's it going with you?"

He scribbled out the first problem on a clean sheet of paper and put the book in the middle of us. "Good. You know what to do first on this one?"

It was trig. Mr. Parson's went over it in the last lesson. I paid attention to that one. "It's eighteen degrees. You have to find 'h' which is the opposite and you know the adjacent is one-hundred meters so you use tangent eighteen degrees equals 'h' over one-hundred."

"Then what?"

"Solve for 'h' which would be one-hundred tangent eighteen which is thirty-two point five meters."

He flashed me his teeth before he wrote out everything I had just said. "Good. So now on problem two. You-"

"How old are you?" I blurted out.

He gazed up at me, his smile gone now. He wrinkled up his nose in confusion. "Just turned sixteen."

I felt my face turn a little red. "Why are you in a junior class then?"

"It's an advanced class. I'm advanced."

I didn't say anything and we went on and he did the next three problems because I didn't know how to do them. I probably could have figured it out but my mind wasn't focusing on math right now. Peter was whizzing through each problem like they were simple addition problems and I just watched. He was the youngest one in this class.

"How come you didn't tell me you were younger than me?" I asked out of curiosity.

He shrugged and finished up the last problem. He sat his pencil down at looked up at me again, his eyes bright. "I'm not. You're sixteen, aren't you?"

"I'm a junior though. You're a sophomore."

"I'm in a junior class so am I not a junior?"

"I turn seventeen in May."

"You're still sixteen until then which means we're the same age, no?"

I opened my mouth to protest again when Mr. Parsons came over to check over our work. He picked up Peter's paper and skimmed it. His glasses dipped to the tip of his nose and when he was done, he used his thumb to push them up.

"All right." Mr. Parsons patted us both on the back and put two gold stars on the paper. "Nice job. You should have no problem doing the test tomorrow, right?"

"Right," Peter mimicked.

Mr. Parsons turned to me for my answer. "Ms. Curtis?"

"Yes."

Once he was out of sight, Peter started to giggle. He covered his mouth so it wouldn't be so loud. "Do you have any idea what you're doing? You were asleep the whole class. You sure you got this?"

"No," I admitted. Math wasn't my best subject. Pony and I had math together last semester with Sarah. The both of them were like Peter only better so between them, I made a perfect score in the class which was why I was in an advanced class this year only this time, I didn't have Pony or Sarah to let me copy.

"I could help you out," he said kindly. "My mom taught me how to do all this last year when I had geometry and it was supposed to include trig. She's really good at math."

I pressed my pencil against the deep dip in my desk. "Uh, sure."

Peter's face lit up again just as the bell rang and class was over. He gathered up his things and smiled real big. "Come on over to my place then? I can give you a ride."

"You have a car?"

"I'm sixteen, remember? Are we gonna have this fight again or are you coming?"

* * *

Peter's house was on the other side of town. It was only a few minutes away from the school. When we pulled up the first thing you could see was the pool in the back and the garden beside it. He told me it was his mother's because once he and his sister started school, she needed a new hobby.

The front of the house was brick and had a big porch with a swing on it and more flowers below it. Peter expressed to me just how much his mom and sister liked flowers and that they were all over the place. He warned me not to bring them up because his mother would go on and on about them until dark.

He took me inside, showing me the living room and the kitchen. I sat down at the little table in the middle while he got food and drinks out of the little pink fridge. It even smelled like flowers on the inside. He was defiantly right about living in a houseful of girls. I remembered him telling me his dad wasn't home much. I could see that by the looks of the inside.

"Do you like Pepsi?" he asked, his hands full of chips and cookies. "You're not one of those people who only drinks coke, are you?"

"No," I said, still looking around. Everything was spotless. It looked like one of those houses you see a little old couple living in only cuter and it smelled nicer.

"Who's this?" A tall dark haired woman with gloves on came through the front door. She smiled at me the way Peter always did and took her gloves off and wiped her forehead with them. "Hello."

"Hi," I said politely.

Peter looked at her from over his shoulder. "This is Danni. You know, her brother's dating Kathy. Darry."

"Oh, really?" she exclaimed, her whole body beaming. She reached her hand out to me. "It's nice to finally meet you. I've met your brother before. He told us lots about you and your other two brothers."

I never knew Darry met any of Kathy's family. He already knew her parents from high school but since they lived in Florida, they didn't come up much. Darry always talked bad about them because they never came up to see Kathy no matter how much she begged them too. No even on holidays. He didn't think they liked them together.

"Nice to meet you," I said, shaking her manicured hand. Her skin was soft and I could smell the flower scented lotion on them from here. "You've got a nice house."

She looked over at Peter who was still gathering up food. "Thank you. Did Peter show you the pool? We're opening it up soon. You should come over and try it out when we do."

"Ok," I agreed, staring at Peter too, wishing he'd hurry.

"Honey," she whined, going to him. "Do you think you have enough food?"

Peter shut the door to the fridge with his foot and balanced the stack with the bottom of his chin. "Yeah, Mom. I'm good. Danni, you wanna go up to my room?"

I hopped up and followed him up the stairs as his mother yelled us, telling Peter to keep the door open. He quickly turned red and hid his face from me, just yelling back ok.

He kicked his bedroom door open and threw everything on the bed and quickly gathered up dirty clothes and underwear, turning red again as he did.

His room looked just like Pony and Soda's. There were pictures of cars on the walls along with sports teams I've never heard of and there was a big poster of The Who over his bed. "I like your room."

"Thanks," he mumbled as he cleared everything off the bed so we could sit down. He handed me a Pepsi and calmed down a little. "Here. Sorry about my mom. She's a little too friendly for her own good."

I popped the can open and sucked on the foam. "She's sweet. She reminded me of you. You're a little too friendly yourself, you know."

He smiled and turned away and got out his book and some paper. "So, how are you?"

"You asked me that before," I stated, grabbing the bag of chips and popping them open. "How are you?"

He grinned and grabbed a handful of sour-cream chips. "Time's past. I figured you'd be feeling different. You haven't talked about...you know."

I stuffed a handful of chips into my mouth and sipped on my soda. "Dally?"

"When does he get out?"

I shrugged even though I knew exactly the date and time. "It's on my calendar. A few days I guess. I'm supposed to pick him up. That was the plan before anyway. I doubt it is anymore."

He made a face as if to tell me what I already knew. "Are you gonna do it?"

"I don't know."

"Hey," he said, interrupting the rest of the conversation. "We don't got to talk about it. Who cares, right? You're trying to move on, I forgot. So, what are you doing tomorrow night?"

I gazed up at him from behind my book. "Nothing I don't think."

His lips curled up and he lightened up once more. He slyly smiled. "We're goin' to a party."

* * *

The friend he was talking about was named Dale. Peter introduced me to him once we got inside. Peter said he was always having parties but he'd only been to a few. Some of them got pretty crazy.

I recognized a lot of the people here. I'd seen them at school and some I'd seen at Buck's back before I stopped going. Tim's car was out front so I imagined he'd be in here somewhere. I kept my head down just in case. I hadn't talked to him since that night I called him out. I did wonder if he ever asked Dally.

Peter had a hold of my hand, leading me through the house and laughing and slapping hands with everyone he knew.

He got me a beer and took me to meet more of his friends that I've never seen before. They were friends with Dale too. Peter explained to me that they all were good friends and hung out a lot.

They looked rougher than most guys in this neighborhood but I didn't say anything when I shook hands with them. Peter wasn't the type to hang out with dangerous people so I let it go and went on.

"Who's that guy you're with?" Tim elbowed me as soon as Peter went to the bathroom. We were standing in the middle of the living room and he was with his old crew and Tiffany. I didn't look at them.

"A friend," I answer timidly. Tim never did pay me for the snap the other night and I was waiting for it.

He scratched his chin and took a drink from his bottle. "Seemed more like a friend when he was dragging you through here like a rag doll."

"Have you talked to Dally?"

"You didn't answer my question."

I sipped on the edge of my beer bottle. "He's Kathy's cousin. My brother's girlfriend, remember?"

He nodded but kept staring the direction that Peter went. "No. He's getting out in three days."

"I know."

Tim began to sneer as he took another strong sip of his drink. "What's the twerp's name? He's awful small. You sure you're up for that? He ain't nothin' like Dallas."

"Peter," I answered. "I don't want him to be like Dallas."

"So you do like him?"

"No."

"You do."

"No."

Tim looked behind him at Tiffany. He gently smiled at her. "Whatever you say, Curtis. Have fun with your twerp." He turned on his heel and faced Tiffany. "You owe me five bucks."

I watched the two of them go upstairs, holding hands. I scowled. What was that supposed to mean?

Peter returned a few minutes later, luckily not running into Tim. He took me into the kitchen where we stayed and listened to the music that was being played and watching everyone drink. Time was wearing down and things in this house were slowly turning worse.

"Hey!" Peter shouted as a guy ran into us, causing his drink to spill all over. "Watch it!"

"Maybe we should go somewhere more private!" I suggested.

Upstairs every down was closed but one which we took. As I walked down the halls I could hear moans and groans coming from the cracks underneath the doors. I recognized Tiffany's loud screech and Tim's moaning.

"It's getting wild down there," Peter said, closing the door behind us. "I'm sorry. I didn't know it'd get this crazy."

"I've experienced worse," I told him.

It was quiet the rest of the time we spent upstairs. Peter talked about Dale and how they became friends. He talked about how Dale had this gang he started up and how the original gang came from New York and how cool it was that they stared such a strong one down here too.

"Dally's from New York," I said quietly. "I wonder if they know him."

Peter grew quiet, as if I upset him. I'd forgotten the rule of not bringing up past boyfriends with other guys. I pressed my lips together and looked out the window at how dark it was outside.

"You really loved him," Peter said softly. "It still hurts you to talk about him, doesn't it?"

I leaned on the edge of the window. "It gets better. It's _getting_ better."

"He treated you so bad though." He stood up and stood behind me, looking out too. "Look at how he left you. He left you with nothing. Not even an explanation. Why is he in jail? You said it was a funny story."

"It's a long one," I informed him lightly. "Look, I don't really want to talk about it. Sure Dally treated me bad. I know."

Peter's stomach touched my back. He placed his hand on top of mine and breathed out. "So why are you still talking about him? You deserve better than that. A lot better."

I turned around, his nose touching mine as I did. He stared at me directly in the eyes. I looked up at him and stared back. "Why do you care?"

His lips brushed against mine. I barely felt them at first until they came back again, staying a little longer. My hand twitched, asking to go up and touch him but something pulled me back and I stood there, feeling his lips on mine as seconds past. It felt like eternity in this one spot. Enough time for me to decide to kiss him back.

I pushed back, letting him know I was there and it was ok for him to continue. I barely got to taste the butterscotch on his lips before he parted.

"I should probably take you home," he breathed into my mouth.

My eyes slowly opened back up. I put my thumb up to my lips to feel how numb they had become. I could feel my body turn red and all I could do was nod.

_When you wink at me. What's the lord think of me For being so fucking weak, I find it hard for me to breathe. So here's where my story ends. I got to make amends. I let me down. Again and again and again and again._


	10. Heart Needs a Beat

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the_ Outsiders_ or the song _Turn Into Earth._

**A/N: **I know the last chapter wasn't my best and I apologize for that. I hope these next few are better. :)

* * *

_ah-ah-ah...How your restless hungry eyes, speak of cloudy summer skies. The morning dew, turns into rain. Lonely winds will call my name. Dying leaves of seasons brown. Losing life as they drift down. Too soon in life, return to earth. Only they can know their worth._

Darry and Soda fight all the time. This has been going on since Soda got back home. He hasn't given up on convincing Darry to do treatments. Not even close. He and Kathy are in cahoots and they've gotten Pony on board even though he's like me and doesn't really have a strong opinion on the matter.

Soda leads most of the fights and starts them. It's out of character for him but his nerves have been shot by all the work he's been doing and he just hasn't been himself in a while. He's trying to prove something to Darry and it's not working yet. He brings up the thought every night at dinner and the fight always ends with someone storming off and slamming doors and hurt feelings.

I haven't been at home much, spending most of my time at school and missing out on the fights.

"What are you doing?" Peter asked, sitting beside me.

I tucked my hair behind my ear and marked a place in my book. I looked up at him. "Reading. Shouldn't you be in class or something right now?"

"Shouldn't you?"

"My teacher's on maternity leave. The sub hasn't been here for days so I have a free period right now."

Peter sat back and rested his back against the big oak tree. "Me as well. What are you reading?"

"_By Love Possessed_," I said, flipping the book over to the back and handing it to him. "It was a film. You've never heard of it?"

"You like to read, don't you?" He flipped the book over and over, seeing the front picture. "What's it about? Some girly romantic stuff I'm guessing by the title?"

I took the book back and gathered up my blowing hair. "No. The main character's a man who's a lawyer."

"I'm not for anything that has the word 'love' in the title," he said. "You hungry?"

I leaned against the tree beside him and our shoulders touched. It was hot outside and the wind was cooling off. Spring flowers were in full bloom across the square of the school and all the P.E. classes took over outside.

The weekend was over and so was the kiss I had shared with Peter. Neither one of us mentioned it. He called me afterwards, apologizing for doing it because he had a few beers and shouldn't have even driven me home. It'd been almost a week since all that happened.

I didn't tell him it was ok. I didn't tell him that I had liked the kiss. I didn't tell him not to apologize. I sure didn't tell him I wanted to do it again. I just agreed and hung up the phone, making everything go back to normal between us. It seemed to be better this way….to him anyway.

A heavy built guy walked by us. He spotted Peter and winked, waving at both of us. Peter lit up and waved back. The guy was being followed by two other heavy built guys and after staring a little long, he lingered past us.

That's when I realized it was Dale Huston. The guy Peter introduced me to last weekend. His friend Dale. That night I noticed something about him that triggered a light bulb but never put together where I'd seen him from until now.

Dale was one of Jeff's friends.

"Who really is that Dale guy you're always with?" My eyes didn't waver away from him as he crossed the square and jumping in a car in the parking lot with the rest of his goons.

He looked down at me, a bit baffled as to why I would ask. "I'm not always with him." He shrugged it off. "We're just friends. I told you about it the other night, remember? He's a nice guy once you really get to know him."

"Doesn't look like it," I said. "You two are together an awful lot. Every time I see you outside of school, you're with him. Tim Shepard used to get in a lot of fights with him. It got pretty nasty sometimes."

Peter shrugged again. "We're friends, we hang out. What's the problem?"

"I've just heard a lot of stuff about him. He used to hang out with someone I know who wasn't too hot of a guy, if you know what I mean."

He pouted and quickly scooted away from me to where our shoulders no long touched and he was further away from me. "Yeah, well I've heard a lot of stuff about Dally too and you don't hear me harping about it none."

I twisted around, staring at him. Suddenly, my shoulder turned cold. "I didn't mean to offend you. I was just making an observation is all. You don't seem like the type to hang out with someone like that."

"Well you don't seem like the type of _girl_ to date someone like Dallas Winston."

It turned quiet fast. Both of us had frowns on now and neither one of looked at each other.

I didn't know why it hurt so much to hear him say that but it really did. The girl who dated Dallas Winston. Was that my reputation now? Being high up there with Sylvia? Is that what people really thought of me? The type of girl to date someone like Dallas Winston? I looked down to the ground and inched further away.

Peter's eyes softened as he noticed my sudden movement and he looked guilty. "Oh, gee. I'm sorry Danni. I didn't mean to say it like that." His hand reached out for mine but I quickly pulled it back.

"How long have you known Dale?" I asked.

His face had fallen and his eyes were still locked on my hand. "A couple of months. I...I wasn't real popular last year and I met Dale after he pulled a guy off of me after he broke my nose in two. He made sure no one hurt me after that. He's not a bad guy."

The car Dale had went to filled up with smoke and I searched my brain for every little detail I could gather from what I knew about Dale. "What happened to that girl he was dating?"

"2moro?"

How could anyone forget a name like that? Somehow I had managed to and her story. "Do you know what happened to her? That's what I meant."

"She died two winters ago," he said. "She killed herself. Jumped off a bridge. Are you trying to say something, Danni?"

Angela had told me the story of this girl. Jeff had told her. It was a big headline in town. Her real name was Lucy Fisher. 2moro became her street name when she became a runaway. She jumped into a freezing cold river in front of a big crowd after they tried begging her back down in March. The river had been up because of storms and she floated two towns over before anyone could get to her cold, blue body. They showed it on the news.

It was a big story for about two months. It was the question everyone wanted to know: why did such a young, pretty girl want to kill herself? They especially wanted to know after they found out her grandfather was Herman Fisher, the founder of Fisher-Price. Her parents reported her missing two years before her death and they showed them and her grandfather on the news crying and showing old photos of her before she became 2moro.

Still, no one knows why she did it. Police questioned everyone, even Dale, who was put through the ringer. I never followed the rest of the case because my own case started one day during a wedding.

"No," I said quietly.

"He's done a lot for me," Peter went on to explain. "He's been like a brother to me since we met. He takes care of me and makes sure no one gives me trouble. He's a little rough around the edges but once you get to know him, he's a nice guy. He got into some heavy stuff after 2moro died but he was really broken up about the whole thing. He blamed himself and one day he stuck a gun in his mouth."

The car drove off down the road with Dale inside. "So he's a good guy?"

"Yes," he stressed once again. "Danni, look at me. Do I seem like the guy to hang out with some criminal? I've never done anything illegal in my life. You can trust me. We're friends, right?"

I stood up from the ground and wiped the grass off my butt. I gathered up my books and Peter got up and helped me get them off the ground.

"You want to get some lunch?"

"I already had lunch. I have to head for History," I said with honest regret in my eyes.

I started to walk away and towards the school. Peter grabbed my upper arm gently, holding me back. I turned to face him.

"I really am sorry about snapping," he said finally, looking guilty once again. "I shouldn't have said that about Dallas. It's just...it gets under my skin sometimes when people talk bad about Dale. He's worked really hard to change."

I nodded, agreeing and wanting to believe him. What did I know about the guy anyway? Two years is a long time. People can sure change in that amount of time. "Ok."

"Whatever. Sorry. You wanna go to the cafe now? I'm really starving."

I gave him a tight smile and followed him.

* * *

"Hey," I said.

"You're late," she told me, not taking her eyes off Johnny. He was looking at her now, smiling. With her mission accomplished Sarah stirred the smoothie in the cup with her straw, content, and looked over to me and noticing the person standing at my side.

Johnny and Sarah sat by themselves in a little table in the corner of the cafeteria. They always sat together and usually Pony joined them but usually, it was like the table the groom and bride sat at their wedding.

"This is Peter," I told them, pointing at Peter while he waved. "He's Kathy's cousin."

Johnny looked him up and down while Sarah grinned from ear to ear and eagerly reached out to shake his hand. "I'm Sarah and this is Johnny. Danni's told us_ lots_ about you!"

My face turned pink and I sat down next to her. I kneed her from underneath the table as a warning not to say anything too embarrassing. Knowing Sarah though, I already knew her intentions.

"You hang out near the Bingo hall," Johnny stated, eyes still locked on Peter. "With those guys."

Peter looked at him, slightly puzzled. He gave him a friendly grin. "Yeah. You been there?"

"Sorta."

"You have nice dimples," Sarah said, butting in. "Danni said she met you in Florida. Were you down there for break too? I've never seen you here before but, you know, I'm new myself."

Peter exchanged a look with me before answering. I felt my face turn red as I waited for him to answer everything Sarah had rambled off. "Sure. I've been going here since freshman year."

"You drive a truck," Johnny jumped back into the conversation. "That big one in the parking lot all those guys meet at after the last bell and smoke."

Peter got the same look on his face as he did before only this time, he didn't laugh. "Yeah. Do I know you?"

Johnny shook his head. He looked down at his tray of food and continued eating without saying another word. Peter kept looking at him, still puzzled and it was as if he wanted Johnny to say something else.

"It's nice to meet you two," Peter said, standing up. "I'm going to get some grub. Dan, you want anything?"

I shook my head and watching as he went off and stood in line. "He's cute," Sarah beamed, not taking her eyes off him while he went through the lunch line.

I followed where her eyes were with mine. All three of us were staring. "I guess," I muttered, feeling uncomfortable admitting that to anyone. I knew he was with those dimples and freckles, I'd just never said it out loud before.

"Doesn't he look familiar to you?" Johnny popped up.

"No, does he to you?"

Johnny studied Peter more before finally going back to eating his Salisbury steak. "Nah. He just looks like someone I suppose. How's Darry doing these days?"

* * *

I sat in the waiting room reading over an old magazine of Walt Disney's death from December. Kathy was talking to some of her nursing friends, trying to get a clear update. I kept gazing up at her every now and again.

Soda was biting his nails beside me. Pony went to go get him something else to chew on a few minutes ago. Soda's leg bouncing was shaking the floor under me. He told me all about what had happened. How Darry got dizzy and started bleeding again and then passing out. He said it was bad this time.

Three months seemed like such a sort time from now that it didn't even seem realistic. I remember Darry telling us if it had been his way, we never would have found out. I wonder if it would have been better that way. Do you want to know when someone you love is going to die or just be shocked when it suddenly happens?

I rubbed my face and looked at the clock. It was early morning now and we've been here over two hours and no one has come to talk to us yet. Two-Bit saw the ambulance and was here for a little while. He found out by accident about Darry dying. Darry didn't want anyone else to know but he forgot who exactly his friends were. A lot of people now know. All our friends anyway.

I looked up again and sat my eyes on Kathy down the hall in her pumps and nurses outfit. Her face was white and she seemed to be shaking. I wondered how much she really knew. What else had Darry told her and was there more to this story than just what we were told?

Someone came and got Soda and Kathy a few minutes ago. They were down the hall talking. Pony was beside me, nervously chewing on a candy bar. We were told Darry was in critical condition but stable. By the looks on Soda and Kathy's faces, I knew more was going on than just another attack.

"He's not doing good," Soda informed us. "Doc says he's taken a turn for the worse and there's not a lot they can do right now seeing as how Darry won't let them give him anything."

He said the last sentence more angrily. He gritted his teeth together and looked to his side and took a cooling breath.

"The doctor was telling us about that surgery, right Soda?" Kathy made light of the situation. "He said there was something that could probably solve this. The cancerous tumor in his leg is in one spot. He says he can easily remove it with no problem."

Pony jumped up. "Then let's tell Darry and have them do it."

"There's more," Soda said bitterly. "The surgery takes out a big chunk of his leg. A whole lot of muscle and tissue. If Darry does the surgery, he'll probably never be able to walk again. How you gonna convince him to do that?"

Pony sat back down, disappointed yet again. Soda looked away from him again, feeling bad he was as harsh as he was. We all knew who his anger was directed at.

"What happens if he doesn't do it?" I asked.

Kathy sighed loudly, letting her shoulders dip down. "He's not good. Without medicine, it won't be long before..."

"I thought we had three months!" Pony protested.

Soda shook his head, biting his bottom lip. "Not any more, Pone. I'm sorry."

"What does he have to say about all this?" I asked. "If the surgery is an easy fix it shouldn't cost much. He might really go for it if we press."

"He's not going to be able to _walk_ again," Soda stressed, disappointed with even talking about it. "I'm sorry. I just...he's not going to go for it. Not this."

Pony looked up at both of them standing over us. "So this is it? We're just going to go in there and say good bye? It doesn't feel like that. You guys feel it too, I know. It doesn't feel like Darry's meant to die."

"There's nothing else to do, Pone," Kathy said softly. "I don't believe it either. It's still not sunk in yet but we have to face it..." She paused and turned to Soda. "Unless you talk to him again."

"I've been talking to him for days," Soda gripped, clearly exasperated. He hadn't been acting like himself since this all started and he was even missing his old self. "It's not working. If anything it's making it worse."

We all stood, baffled and scratching our heads. It didn't seem real. It seemed like it wasn't over. This was just Darry getting sick again. It didn't mean he was as good as dead...right?

"I have an idea," Kathy broke the tension but spoke softly and we barely heard her. She kept her head down and kicked the floor with her shoe. "There's a sure fire way it'll work."

Soda crossed his arms and stared at her. "There sounds like there's a but."

Kathy slowly lifted her head up. "There is...and you're not going to like it."

* * *

We were told to go along with the plan. Play it cool and follow her lead. We knew going into the hospital room what Kathy was about to do but it was still hard actually listening to her tell Darry. It clearly coming from her mouth.

Darry had turned pale and looked as sick as we were to hear what Kathy had to say. The eerie quietness in the room didn't help matters any. We all stood back and left it to Kathy, waiting for Darry to finally speak.

"You're...You're pregnant?"

Kathy's hand was on her stomach and she had developed tears in her eyes. They were real tears. None of questioned that they weren't. "Y-Yeah. I'm sorry. I was going to tell you at the right moment but now..."

Darry kept looking where Kathy's hand was. I expected him to throw up at any second. His worst nightmare was coming to life before his eyes. "Kat...I..."

It sounds ridiculous for Darry to believe all this. No one really would considering, but this was Kathy standing in front of Darry. The woman who had always been the most honest with him. The woman he fully trusted and loved to the ends of the earth. The woman he'd do anything for. If you told him this same thing a month ago, he'd laugh, not believing it.

Kathy looked scared and looked as if she was holding her breath and crossing her fingers. "Darry..."

Soda had his arms still crossed beside me and his face was stone cold and hard. He was the first to agree to this plan but his stomach was just as sick as ours were.

"We were careful," Darry whispered to himself. "How..."

The three of us were here for support more than anything. To support this web of lies we were spinning. Anyone watching from the outside would truly be so sick as to what we were doing...they didn't know what we were doing it for though. Darry's life. Was it worth this lie though? We were all asking ourselves this.

We were asked to leave soon after. Darry started yelling. Not mean, just frustrated.

You'd think now that we were alone and on the outside, we'd have a lot to say to each other but all of us were speechless. So we sat, and waited for the verdict, hoping and praying for the right one.

Sure enough, Kathy emerged from the room, drying her tears. "He said yes."

* * *

"What happens when he finds out?" I was the first one to ask. "He's going to notice in nine months when you're still the same size, if not sooner."

Kathy was driving. It was raining and she hadn't talked to any of us since we got in the car. "I'll tell him...I'll tell him I wasn't pregnant after all. It was just stress or I'll have a miscarriage. I don't know yet. I didn't exactly plan this out."

Pony was beside me, pouting. "I can't believe we just did that."

"Well believe it," Soda called over his shoulder as he looked back at us. "Look, I don't agree with it and Kathy doesn't either. It's all we had to go on and we did it and it's over and we got what we wanted."

"What if Darry finds out we lied?" I asked. "Kathy he's never going to want to see or speak to you again."

Kathy deeply sighed. "Well then be it. I will lie until the cows come home if that means he'll be alive. He can hate me all he wants but I'm not going to sit back and watch this when there's something I can do to stop it!"

"I know it wasn't the best approach," Soda went on. "But we need to back Kathy up on this. We're in this together and Darry's not going to find out. At least not until after the surgery. Got it?"

We all reluctantly agreed as we pulled up to the house. Small tears were rolling down Kathy's cheeks as she got out of the car and swore to herself. "Hopefully he won't hate me forever..."

Soda put and arm around her and helped her inside. "It'll be ok. We support you. Right?"

Pony and I nodded, though we were still feeling queasy from the night. "I just...can't believe we said that."

"No fairy god mother is going to show up and fix this!" Kathy stressed loudly. "Darry is going to die. Not everything can be fixed with just some miracle. Sometimes you have to do things yourself."

Silence filled the room until the phone started to ring. Everyone looked in the direction of the kitchen.

"Who could be calling at this hour?" Soda asked, looking at the clock.

"Probably a bill collector or something." I got up off the sofa and went to it. "I got it. Ya'll just go on to bed."

I heard their footsteps as they all went to their separate rooms and closed the door, not wanting to say anything else or face what we had all done tonight. They'd deal with that in the morning.

I reached for the phone. "Hello?"

There was silence on the other end. I pressed it up to my ear and opened my mouth to say something when laughing started on the other end. Smirky, cocky, laughing. "Well, well, well, look who it is. Long time. Miss me..._Curtis_?"

_Dying leaves of seasons brown. Losing life as they drift down. Too soon in life. Return to earth. Only they can know their worth. Distant dreams of things to be. Wandering thoughts that can't be free. I feel my mind._


	11. I'm Alive

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the _Outsiders_ or the song _Back in Black_.

**A/N: **This is the second part of the story. It's nowhere near half-way through but, hey, does it have to be? I'm doing something different with the format of the story so that's why I had to divide it into two parts.

Big thanks to _benignmilitancy_ for giving me some brilliant advice and looking at this chapter for me.

As if the song title doesn't already tell you -

* * *

**Part 2: I'm Alive**

_Back in black. I hit the sack. I've been too long I'm glad to be back. Yes, I'm let loose. From the noose that's kept me hanging about. I've been looking at the sky. 'Cause it's gettin' me high. Forget the hearse 'cause I never die. I got nine lives. Cat's eyes. Abusin' every one of them and running wild._

It's warmer outside than it was when I went in. I feel the cool spring air hit me as I make my way down the steps of the jail house. There's supposed to be a car waiting for me but of course there isn't.

I'm tempted to just call Shepard and have him come by but I know he won't or give me some shit on the way home. So I just take a seat on one of the steps and light a cigarette and think of a way to get where I'm going.

There's a little old lady on the bench on the sidewalk down below me. She's heavy seat and has her frizzy gray hair pinned up in a tight bun. She's feeding the birds. I've seen her here before. She comes twice a week with two loafs of bread and sits there all day and reads some dumb book she's picked up at the library down the road. I've seen her go in there every Friday since I got here.

I blow out a cloud of smoke and continue to watch her.

It's two and I'm supposed to be somewhere by three. It wouldn't be a problem if I just had my stupid car. My stupid car that_ I_ had to use because Ronnie was too much of a pansy to use his. So it was me who drove my car into Sam's and it was me who had to make sure not to hit it wrong, and it was me who spent all night fixing it. Ron was supposed to fix it for me. That was the deal. Make it good as new. But that was before he ran off and picked up that broad.

My cigarette's gone and I search my pockets for another one but I'm all out. I think about going down and asking the bird lady for one but I doubt she smokes. Not the type.

I stand up and stretch out. The clothes I'm wearing are the ones I wore when I came in because no one came by to give me any more. The clothes are too small because of the new muscle I've gained. I'm not complaining any.

I scratch my stomach and realize how badly I want a double greasy cheese burger.

I walk over to bird lady. She's singing to herself as she watches the birds hop around in front of her. She's leaning across her cane and smiling away.

"Hey, you got a few bucks on you?"

She doesn't look up at me. She doesn't take her eyes off the birds. She doesn't even stop singing. She's bobbing her head back and forth like she's at her very own concert and there's music all around us.

I clear my throat and lean closer. "Hey! Do ya got a few bucks on ya, lady?"

She stops singing but she's still not looking at me and she still has that stupid grin on her face. I start to wonder how retarded she really is.

I'm right in her ear now. "Can I have some money?"

She starts talking to the birds and throws more bread out to them.

"I know you can hear me," I say, using a threatening tone. Any other old lady would give me her whole purse seeing as how I just got out of jail and could snap her neck in two in a matter of seconds.

She goes back to bobbing her head back and forth. She's happy. She looks like one of those mental patients in those movies. The really bad ones who are all happy one minute and then screaming at the top of their lungs the next. She's starting to freak me out so I give up and start walking down the road.

"How much?" she stops me, happily grinning at the birds.

I turn around and she's still not looking at me. Only at those stupid birds who are too brain dead to fly away from the crazy bat. "Couple dimes."

She digs in her purse and rattles the coins at me. "How old are you?"

I reach out and snatch the money from her before she can change her mind. "What's it to ya?"

"I've seen you playing ball in there," she says, throwing more bread and letting three birds fight over it. She laughs at them and throws two pieces to the ones that didn't get it. "Fine boy."

I stare at her. She hasn't looked at me yet. If she didn't know better, I could have been Elvis himself standing in front of her. "Sure."

"Where are you going?" she asks politely. "Are you going to Tulsa? I love Tulsa. Such a fine place. Fine place."

"You're in Tulsa, sweets."

She starts to sing again like I've upset her or something and she doesn't want to talk to me and goes back to feeding the birds and giggling like a little girl.

I run my hand through my hair and inch away from her. "Yeah. Thanks for the money, sugar."

"Nice, nice, nice, nice, boy. Nice." She keeps repeating the word 'nice' even as I make my way down the street. I get far enough away to where I don't even hear her anymore and pick up the pace some.

I clinch my money in my hand and make my way over to Bill's Burgers, my mouth watering as I picture biting into the first real food I've eaten in three long months.

* * *

"Really? You couldn't wait? Where did ya get the money at anyway, kid?"

Rick is standing in front of me while I lick the sauce off my fingers. The money bought me three burgers and a soda and I'm still wanting more. I should of asked the crazy broad for a little extra cash. She seemed pretty willing.

"How does it feel to finally get out? How many times does that make now? Going for the record or somthin'?"

I'm at Rick's house on the edge of town. He's letting me stay here for cheap rent. I met him at a race a few years ago when he broke his leg and I carried him out. Says he owes me a favor so I hit him up yesterday for a place to crash.

I dig into my last burger and practically purr as the warm meat and cheesy flavor takes over my mouth. "Five."

"Did you walk here?" he asks, cleaning up the mess I've made on his freshly wooden table. Rick's a real neat freak. His house doesn't have an inch of dirt anywhere and if there so happens to be some, it doesn't last long.

"Yeah," I say, taking a sip of my coke. Cokes are one of the many things I've missed. The bubbling as it goes down your wind pipe and the cool, crisp taste. "Thought I'd see what changed since I've been gone. Ain't nothin'."

Rick's a big guy. He probably weighs two-forty and none of it's fat either. He's got a rough complexion and keeps to himself most of the time. A lot of people in town stay away from him just by the way he looks but Rick wouldn't do anything to anyone. He's just a gentle giant most of the time. He likes horses and cars. That's about it.

Rick wipes the sticky stuff off the table with a wet wipe, maneuvering around me. "Listen, there's some things I want to go over now that you're staying here."

I lick the red ketchup that's running down my arm, making him gag and turn away. I snicker. "Like what..._Mom_?"

He casually shrugs. "Rules and stuff I suppose. I'm in charge of you now I guess. That's what your parole officer said anyway when she came by."

Martha is my officer. She's been for years. Every time I get locked up and then get set free, there is Martha with a new stack of rules and regulations I have to follow. She's the reason I didn't go to Texas after I got out like I'd planned.

"What am I?" I ask, stuffing the last bite into my mouth. "I ain't a kid but go ahead, Ma. Give me the rules."

Rick shakes his head and throws me a wet wipe that I use for my face and chuck it into the trash. "You're nineteen. Key word is _teen_. So yeah, you're technically still a kid, big guy."

I cock an eyebrow. "And?"

"I just have a few simple rules," he explains. "Nothing that should bother you too much. If you like living here, I suggest you follow them. I ain't gonna babysit you, Winston."

I don't know what makes him think I'll follow any but I'll give him a shot. "Like?"

"Well for starters, I would like you to be home before morning if you're coming home at all. I'm a light sleeper and I have work real early and I don't want you making racket when you come in late stomping around and waking me up."

I cross my legs and listen to the rest. I really want a cigarette...and another sandwich.

"Also, everything in the fridge is yours but you're chippin' in for food every now and again. I ain't loaded with cash, as you can tell, and I'm not feeding an army. And no drugs in my house. None. You'll be out in a heartbeat."

"Hey, man," I say, leaning back in my chair and using my arms as a pillow. "I'm not into that white trash crap. You know that."

Rick rubs his face like he's heard this all before. "Good. Then we won't have a problem, will we?"

"You think you can get me a job?" I ask. "Seein' as how I'm gonna be payin' for my own food and all apparently."

Rick raises his eyebrows this time and smirks. He looks me over, studying me. "What are you good at? If anythin'."

"Funny," I smart off. "Dunno. Anythin'. Anythin' that'll pay."

"You good at fixin' cars by chance?"

* * *

"How was jail?"

He sounds happy to finally hear from me. He's sent letters by the dozen apologizing over and over again and going on and about how thankful he was to have me like we were Kennedy brothers or something even though when he came down was the first time I'd seen him in two years.

I lean against the wall and press the phone up to my ear. I slide my knife over the top layer of my nails, digging it in and scrapping out the loose dirt inside. "Swell. How do you think, dumbass?"

"I'm sorry," he says again. "I got some of your letters. It didn't sound that bad, Dal."

I press the blade against another nail, slicing some of my finger as I do. Blood runs out and coats the knife. I swear and suck on it, tasting the metallic sourness of the blood.

"Emily said she brought you some cake one time," he goes on like it's supposed to mean something that the girl is still holding on to us like a stray cat. "Did she?"

"Yeah," I say bitterly. I suck the sing out of my finger until the bleeding stops. "Didn't I tell you to stay away from her?"

"I'm not _seeing_ her," he clears up. "I haven't seen her since that day at the station. We just write every now and again. You never did say I couldn't do that."

I wipe the sweat that starting up on my forehead. Stupid punk ass kid. "_Stay away_ means to _stay away_. Like no contact with the dumb broad. What does she want with you anyway? You're miles away from her."

"She likes me," he says proudly and I can see that stupid grin on his face. The one that all guys get when they've scored big. I wonder if they've actually fucked yet. Nah. Not Ms. _Matthews_.

"I thought her big brother told you to stay away from her too. Two-Bit? 'Member him? The guy who kicked your ass at the Curtis' that day. How come he ain't come up there and smashed your sorry face in himself?"

"He doesn't know," he says, still beaming. "It's pretty boss. Like a love story kinda, ya know?"

I roll my eyes and go back to scrapping out my nails. Yeah, love story. Yeah. Right. "Did you do what I told you to?"

"Talk to Danni?" he asks, already knowing the answer. "She called me right after you did that day. I told her what you told me to say. She's really pushy. Wanted to know everything. 'Course I didn't tell her the obvious stuff. I about couldn't get her off the freakin' phone though."

I run the blade over the palm of my hand seeing how dull it's gotten since I've been gone. It couldn't cut through paper now. "And?"

"That's all," he reports. "I think her brother's sick. Emily said she overheard Two-Bit talking about it with someone the other day. She told me all about it in one of the letters. It's the older one. D-D-Darry?"

I toss the knife down on the counter. I lean forward and listen. "Yeah. What's wrong with 'im?"

"She doesn't know. She said she'd try to find out but she doesn't talk to that family anymore, ya know. They're not too keen on me neither. I don't guess you either now, huh?"

I sit on the chair propped up against the wall and rest a bit. "Anyone givin' you anymore trouble?"

"No," he answers plainly. "Why?"

"Not even Pops...or Maggot by chance?"

There's silence on the other end for a minute before he finally decides to answer. "No. Everything's fine here for now. It's been quiet really. What about down there? You talk to Dale yet?"

"Going to later," I say. "Don't worry 'bout it. Stay out of this mess. I didn't spend all my money and go to jail just so you can ruin it with some stupid broad. What have you been tellin' her anyway?"

"Nothing!" he yells, irritated that I brought her back up again. "Hey, lay off her. She's a nice chick. I really like her Dal. I ain't told her nothing. I've probably told Danni more so-"

"What did you tell her?" I jump up and put the phone on my other shoulder. "Say!"

Ronnie lets out a deep breath. "Calm down, ok? I ain't told her nothing you ain't told me...she sorta figured some stuff out on her own. She knows more than anyone else. I-I didn't think you'd care. She's the one who told me you two broke up by the way. What happened?"

I grind my teeth. I should have never trusted him with this. "What stuff did you tell her?"

"Man, she's really pushy!" he defends himself in a hurry. "You know that! I-I told her what you said to and she put some things together. Like the flower shop guy and why we were there and-"

"She knows?" I ask, calmly still grinding my teeth. I form a fist with my hand. "Goddamn, can you do anything right you little punk?"

I slam the phone down and hang up. I sit back down in the chair and think for a minute. Think of more lies I need to tell to dig myself out of this. This mess I'm still neck deep in after all this time.

* * *

I shoot up in my bed. Cold sweat is running down my neck and I've caused the neighbor dogs to start to wail. Rick yells to ask what's going on and I yell back, telling him to shut up and go back to bed.

I put my hands up to my face and wipe all the sweat off.

Jail isn't as charming of a place as the government makes it out to be. They don't know half the stuff that really goes on behind those hard stone walls. No one really cares. That's the main problem. To them we deserve it all.

I lie back in bed and stare up at the ceiling. It's storming outside and I can't go back to sleep. I start to think about New York. The murders, the dead bodies, the sirens. Ron would get screaming fits all the time, waking everyone in the damn house up when a cop car would blow by the apartment. Damn. It's funny to think that now.

As I got older, I starting seeing more than just the typical dead prostitute or homeless guy on the bench across the street. More blood, more rotting flesh. The smell is the worst. That's what I was told anyway. I saw more blood during those years than most cops do in a lifetime.

I rotate over to my side and stare at the clock and I start to wonder who's up at this hour.

I can hear Rick snoring through the paper thin walls. I wonder what Shepard's been up too. Is he still with that damn broad of his? Damn, what a body she has. I think about going to find him and a couple of the guys at Buck's but roll over to my back instead and let out a sigh.

I rub my face and get the rest of the sweat off. I look at the clock one last time and then decide to pick up the phone.

_Well, I'm back, Yes I'm back. Well, I'm back, Yes I'm back. Well, I'm back, back. Well I'm back in black. Yes I'm back in black hooo yeah. Oh yeah. Yes I am. Oooh yeah, yeah Oh yeah. Back in now Well I'm back, I'm back._

* * *

**A/N: **Finally, right? ;) I've never written in a boy's point of view before so it's a new thing for me to get used to. I've gotten some amazing advice and I'm working on incorporating that into the next chapters.

Thank you so much for reading! Please review.


	12. Cut Me Down

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the _Outsiders_ or the song _Blow Me (One Last Kiss)_

**A/N: **Sorry for such the long wait. I'm really trying to bust my ass with this rewrite and I needed to just step away from this while I did it so I wouldn't get distracted and this chapter was too big for me to just quickly write.

In other news, I started my last year of high school last week! Woooo!

* * *

_I won't miss all of the fighting that we always did. Take it in, I mean what I say when I say there is nothing left. No more sick whiskey dick, no more battles for me. You'll be calling a trick, 'cause you'll no longer sleep. I'll dress nice, I'll look good, I'll go dancing alone. I will laugh, I'll get drunk, I'll take somebody home._

I walk through the park. I tighten my jacket when a crisp wind blows against me. It's supposed to be spring so why the sudden drop in temperature? I had to drag out my warm stuff from under my bed to wear today.

I can see him over on a bench beside the monkey bars. There are only a couple of kids here now and I suppose we'll probably leave and go to the lot because of the high number. I don't think he expected so many kids to be here today at this hour.

I stare at my feet once I get closer. There are some earthy moms sitting around watching me instead of watching their children eating sand just a few feet away from them. They give me nasty looks once they see where I'm headed. All mothers have this sixth sense about trouble and people. They see him and know who I am too.

I stand in front of him now. He's smoking and looking out at the kids on the swings. He has his self-worthy smirk on and the smoke from his cigarette is making my mouth water for something stronger than that.

What am I supposed to say? I just stand and wait but he doesn't say anything. I sit beside him and cross my legs and stare in the opposite direction. I can feel my stomach do a flip and I'm craving hot dogs from the cart on the street.

Dally moves a little and his knee touches mine. I look down at it, warm and sticky.

"You cut your hair," he observes, still not looking at me.

"You got bigger," I say back, staring at his new biceps. "Why the park?"

He doesn't answer for a long time and I go back to watching two siblings fight over a doll they brought with them. One's a boy and the other is a girl and they keep fighting until their older brother comes along and breaks them up by snatching the doll and throwing it across the park, making them cry.

"Heard about Superman," he says and I look at him again. He's facing forward now, watching the kids too. "Can't really call him Superman now."

"He's doing alright," I say quietly. "He's doing treatments. They're going to remove a big part of his leg. They think he'll live though."

He nods like he's saying: 'oh, good news'. Dally would never say that though.

"How's Pone an' Sodapop doin'?"

I look down at my feet and act interested in them instead of him. "Fine."

"Ain't seen nobody since I've been out," he tells me. "Not the gang. Not Shepard. No one. You're the first. Outta feel pretty darn special, huh?"

I kick the dirt under me and hide my face with my hair. I can feel him staring at me. "Yeah. Sure."

I tuck my hair behind my ear and listen to the kids scream and Dally cringe. I'm still wondering why he chose the park but I don't ask him again. My legs feel funny. 'It's just Dally', I keep telling myself over and over again.

"Hey, Curtis, let's get outta here, man. Too many fucking kids." He stands up and brushes himself off and waits for me to follow him and I do.

I walk behind him the whole way over to the lot. I'm hoping no one sees me but I'm too cold to notice if anyone is watching us. From behind him, I can see how much larger he's gotten. He usually is bigger right after he gets out.

I can't help but feel my mouth water as I stare at him from behind. His butt and broad shoulders turn me on and I know how wrong it is to say this, but I can't help but want him on top of me...naked.

I shake my head. I can't think that.

He takes me over to the lot and sneers as I walk to meet him across the field. We sit on a bench and there's no one around. He's close to me and I'm starting to sweat a little and I feel angry and vulnerable all at the same time and as much as I want to punch him in the face, I have an urge to puke and kiss him all at the same time.

I look up and he's staring at me. My heart falls a little as we make eye contact for the first time and I feel like I'm really looking at him. For the first time I can look in his eyes. I can see those sharp, blue, murderous eyes.

He pulls my head to him, cupping my face. I can feel his satisfied smirk as our lips touch.

His lips feel warm but the thought of him touching me is all that's on my mind. What he told me is still on my mind. The fact that a 'murderer' is kissing me is my only thought. I suddenly pull away and tuck my hair behind my ear.

I hide my face from him, not wanting to see him or those eyes right now and I feel weak and disgusting and terrified, all at the same time.

He takes out two cigarettes and gives me one and lights it for me once it's in my mouth. "Thanks."

"How's the gang anyway, man?" he asks, blowing out smoke. "Johnnycake still with that one gal? Man, can't wait to see them."

I slowly blow smoke and turn my head away from him. "Where you stayin'?"

"Buddy of mine's house."

The wind is strong and it's blowing my hair and making me shiver. He's cool and collected, just standing, smoking his cigarette like he doesn't have a care in the world. "He may never walk again," I say. "Darry."

Dally nods like he gets it but I know he doesn't. He hasn't been here long enough to get it and he doesn't really want to. "Gotta be hell. Lot's changed since I've been gone, ay?"

"Yeah," I answer. "It sure has."

"I had to walk home," he says bitterly. "You can imagine my surprise."

I lift my head up. His smoke is blowing into my face and he's waiting for my answer. "What made you think I'd pick you up, Dallas?"

"Uh, well, I dunno," he says, being a smart-ass. "Maybe because of the fact that you told me you would?"

I can tell by his tone he never expected me to show up. I know he knew I wouldn't be there that morning and I know he knew why. "You want me to say sorry?"

"Nah," he says lightly, throwing his weed on the ground and stomping it out. "Nah, Curtis."

"I talked to Ronnie," I inform him. "I suppose you already know that though. I suppose you also know everything he said to me and everything I said to him."

"Yeah, and?"

"Anything you want to get off your chest or are we just not going to acknowledge anything at all? Like nothing happened?"

He blows out smoke and mumbles a swear under his breath. He kicks the dirt and shakes his head as he turns around. "I dunno, Curtis. What by chance do you want me to say?"

I shiver as a chill runs down my back. I turn my head and look to the side. "I don't know. It's been three months since you told me about Sam. I didn't expect us to just make small talk all day."

"So what?" he asks. "You want to have story time? Should I get mother fucking goose out here too? Let it go."

I can tell how angry he's slowly getting. He's laughing at himself but I know he won't be for long. I start to think of the reasons I showed up today. I tried to talk myself out of it about ten times. What good could come from this? That's my main question I ask myself. Maybe I just want to see his face. Right now though, it's the last thing I can look at.

To think, I once counted down the days when I could see Dally not behind bars.

"Why did you kill Sam?" I blurt the question out like it's just another question and I stand tall even though my stomach is turning on the inside as I actually ask those words. The million dollar question.

He cocks an eyebrow. "Just out with it? Just like that? No 'how are you?' No 'how was jail?' My, my, Curtis. That isn't too polite of you. I expected more."

"You've been gone for three months," I say. "I haven't spoken to you in three _months_. I've written letters though but I'm sure you know that. I asked you how you were for weeks. I'm not asking it again because now, I don't care."

He stares at me for a minute, chewing on the end of a toothpick. He's studying me. Thinking of what to say. "You talked to Ronnie. You tell me."

"I don't believe him."

He shrugs. "Sorry."

"Why are we here then?" I ask. "Why did you call me and have me meet you here?"

He turns his head. He still has a grin on his face. He kicks the ground and bites down hard into his toothpick. "What? You ain't happy to see me? Come on now, Curtis."

"Do you want me to be honest? Because you're not going to like the answer I give you."

He lifts his head up and looks at me again. His smile is bigger despite the fact that I'm scowling and have my arms crossed. He's smiling big. A sly little smile I haven't seen in a long time.

"What is your problem?" he asks with another laugh at me.

"My problem is with you and how you just vanished and then show back up and instantly expect everything to be fine."

"Wow," he says, shaking his head. "Let me ask you a question, Curtis. If you hate me so badly, why did you show up today? Huh? I can't hear you."

I cross my arms and look to the side. "I wanted to know the truth. I think you owe me enough to tell me what happened. What _really_ happened and why."

"I bet that just ate at you for months," he says. "Just sitting around thinking about it. You tell me your theory. Come on. I know you have one so don't act like you don't."

I shrug. It's true that I've thought of many scenarios as to what happened that night. None of them I actually believe though. "Money? Someone told you to do it? I don't think it was a two man job."

"Oh you don't?"

"No."

He scratches his chin and walks around in a small circle, thinking. "Why?"

"Why do I think that?"

"Yeah."

I stand on my tiptoes as I breathe in, going up, and then breathing out and going down. "I just don't think you and Ronnie decided to kill Sam on your own because of those stupid reasons."

He raises his eyebrows. "Stupid reasons?"

"Yeah, you did it because Sam was a bad person. He was raping women and dealing out laced up drugs. You think that makes you some kind of sick hero?" I shake my head. "I know there's more to it than that. I know you, Dallas and I know damn well you wouldn't just kill someone for that shit!"

He grabs my arm and pulls me close. I can feel his warm breath on my face. His eyes are sharp and threatening. Here's the anger. I expected it to come out at some point but I can't stand the thought of him touching me like this.

"Shut up. You don't know anything about what happened. Don't say a fucking word about what you think of me."

I jerk away from him and shake my head. "You don't even care. I know that. I see that. What you did was wrong and you don't even care."

"Oh so now you have some morals?" he mocks. "Last time I checked, it didn't bother you! Let me remind you, you weren't the only one spilling secrets that day."

I cross my arms over my chest and tighten my body with my thin jacket. "Yeah and you acted like you didn't care about that either. You weren't even...shocked."

A light bulb went off in my head as a conversation I completely forgot about was rehashed. I remember his face, the way he talked to me. The sound of his voice after I spilled my guts. Dally wasn't shocked when I told him about what Sam and I had done. Dally also wasn't going to tell me he killed Sam until I told him that.

I put a hand over my mouth and slowly back away. "You knew. You knew all along what happened that night."

His face tells me my answer. His eyes don't part from mine nor does his face change. He isn't breaking this stare down and letting me know anything that might be noticeable.

I swallow back a sob. I promised myself I wouldn't cry in front of him and I wasn't going to, even if it killed me. "How? Why? You knew all that time and you didn't tell me? How did you know, Dallas?"

He shakes his head. "You think you know everything, Curtis. You tell me how I knew since you know so much."

I can feel a knot in my stomach, like I've been hit hard. I want to go home and lock myself in my room.

"I can't believe you..."

"Well believe it."

I put my hand up to my mouth and control my breaths so my voice won't sound like I'm upset. "I can't believe, after all this time, you still manage to make me feel like the bad guy in every situation."

This sparks an interest in him. "What?"

"I thought it was my fault everything fell apart but then I realized...it was you."

He stares at me for a moment, taking in fully what I had just said. "Oh, so I'm the bad guy again? I've been there. I think I can live with that title. Is that what you _really_ think of me?"

"You lied to me, over and over again. You left me and told me not to come back after everything we went through. You threw me away just like that with nothing! You were going to ditch me right after you shot that flower shot guy-"

"Ronnie shot him," he growls. "You don't know what you're talking about so don't try and act like you do."

I sigh. "I'm not saying you're a bad guy but killing a guy doesn't exactly look good on your resume."

He stands over me, tall and aggressive. He's breathing down my neck. "What do you want from me?"

"The truth."

"Yeah, I'm sure that's all."

"So you're not going to tell me?"

"Nope."

My chest rises up and then back down. "Dally, I've put up a lot with you. I've_ always_ been there for you. You wanna know how I really feel? I cried...for weeks. I wrote you and called you all the time, begging you to at least talk to me! You murdered someone, Dally, and you know what? That's not even why I'm so angry or sad. You come here and you kiss me like it's all better now, but it's not.

I can't look you in the face without hurting. I can't hear or say your name. What you did to me was not ok. I'm not some toy you can just put away and get back out when you want it. You've been gone for three months. Do you not think that, maybe, I've found someone else?"

He laughs at that, amused again but I can still feel the anger by his stance. "Who?"

"I don't have to tell you. That's not the point," I say. "The point is, I came here today for answers and that's all."

He's still showing his pearly whites. "Not to see me?"

"Dally," I say. "I...I _hate_ you."

I don't mean it when I say that. I don't mean anything of the harsh things I just said. I don't know I was saying them more for. Me, to make myself feel better, or him, to make him feel worse but I've said them, and I know I can't take them back.

His smile is gone. It goes away very fast and he looks almost speechless but who expects Dallas Winston to ever be speechless? "Fuck you too."

"I'm angry because you lied to me for months, maybe longer, I don't even know! I don't even know what happened or why! Then I find out you were going to leave me...jump states without another word? How do you not expect me to be angry here, Dally?"

He rolls his eyes, rolling his head around. "You really think that?"

"Then give me the truth!" I shout, feeling my arms start to shake from the built up anger in my body. It's overwhelming and taking over my nerves. "You told me you loved me! I loved you! You lied to me about your job, where you were, your car, Ronnie, Sam. You lied to me about everything and then acted as if I didn't exist for three months!"

He grinds his teeth together, scowling at me and scowling hard. "I'd do anything for you and you_ knew_ that!"

I fight off my will to break down and cry. I can feel the sob rising up in my chest. "I know that! I know you'd do anything for me. I'm not saying you didn't. I'm saying I'm tired of getting lied to, time and time again. I'm done with..._you_."

"Oh, come on now! Have a fucking heart!"

"I had one," I say calmly. "You're the one that smashed it into the ground."

I turn around, leaving him standing there. I feel my heart drop and I can't breathe. I put my hand over my mouth so he can't hear my sobs as I walk away. These sobs I've held in so he wouldn't see them. I let the tears roll down my cheeks as I walk away. I'm walking away from Dallas Winston for good.

And I think I'm ok with it...as much as it kills me.

_I think I've finally had enough, I think I maybe think too much. I think this might be it for us (blow me one last kiss). You think I'm just too serious, I think you're full of shit. My head is spinning so (blow me one last kiss)_

* * *

**A/N_: _**I'm sorry once again and I hope this chapter makes up for it and hopefully I'll give you a quick update!


	13. Wicked Minded

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the _Outsiders_ or the song _Down in the Valley._

* * *

_Show me the way. Good Lord, show me the way. Show me the way. Good Lord just show the way. O Sinners, let's go down. Let's go down, let's go down. O Sinners, let's go down. Down in the valley to pray._

I can smell the horses. The hay and the feed and the dirt on the ground. I suck it in and breathe out slowly. I hadn't realized how long it's been. I stand and watch the horses, picking out the one I like.

"You ain't gonna ride that pony, big man?"

I turn around to find my hand slapping against Mathew's. I smile as he grins happily. "What are you doin'?"

He pats me on the back and then parts from me. He's still smiling. He shrugs and puts his hands in his pockets. "Gettin' ready to see a race. Why? What are you doin'? I'm glad I got the call that said you were out."

I shrug. I didn't tell anyone I got out. If you tell Mathews, the whole neighborhood will know. "Eh, I figured your baby sister would tell ya."

He looks suddenly surprised and I snicker. His eyes go a little wide. "Wh-what?"

"Nothing," I say, waving him off. "Hey, how you been, man? I see you still got that stupid haircut. Didn't I tell you to see Freddy and get that shit shaved?"

Two runs his hands freely through the grease ball that is his hair. He hasn't cut it in almost a year and it looks more like a mullet than anything. "The ladies love it, man."

I roll my eyes. I'm sure they do. "When was the last time you've fucked, little man?"

"Last week."

"Bull shit," I say. "With who?"

He takes a minute to think. To long for him not to be lying. "I might have seen Sylvia around."

I laugh, not surprised. "Oh? I thought she went to the nut house? They let her out so soon, huh?"

"Dunno nothin' about no crazy house," he goes on. "But she was might frisky when she got a hold of me. Man, I see what you mean when you say she's _mean_. Hey, guess what?"

I chew on the end of my toothpick, still thinking about Sylvia and Two-Bit screwing each other. I quickly try and get it out of my head. "What?"

"I got a girl." He has a cheesy grin on and his practically jumping with glee.

I narrow my eyes. I don't remember the last time I heard this come out of his mouth. "With who?"

"She just moved here. You'll never get this though - she's black."

I know he's shitting me now. I start to laugh at the joke and shrug, deciding to play along with it a little. "Yeah, right. I'm sure. Hey, is it true what they say about them in bed?"

"Hush," he says. "And when was the last time big bad Dally got laid? Got any since you've been out?"

I smirk smoothly. "You know me, Mathews."

"Yeah," he says with a snort. "I heard about all the troubles in that department. You know it's all anyone ever talked about since you got locked up. What gives anyway? Why'd the two little love birds hang it up?"

"Ah, you know," I say, lighting up a weed and blowing out a big cloud of smoke. "Heard about Superman."

He puts his hands in his pockets and hangs his head a little. "Yeah. Real shame. It's really tore Sodapop up from what I've heard from Steve. They don't want anyone to know really. You know Superman though. That whole family is cursed but hey, I guess we are too since we're basically like it."

I nod my head. He's about two years behind on that but I don't say anything. I remember those days too. I let him live in the past all he wants to.

"You plannin' on stayin' out of jail for a little while?" he asks with a goofy chuckle and a punch on my arm.

I look down at him and sneer. "Got any tips?"

"Try not to be black or Hispanic."

It seems like years since I rode. I got a bummed knee two years ago and never got back on. It was such a pussy thing to do but I remember the real reason why. It makes me even more anxious to get on one and go for a couple of hours, especially when I think about the conversation I had a few hours ago.

"You wanna race?" I ask him.

He looks at me and I already know by the kind of smile he shows, he's in.

* * *

The bet is up to five bucks. I don't have it but from what I've learned since I've been back, ole Mathews has a new job down at the lumber yard and is loaded since he still lives with his momma and doesn't have any bills. I'm sure he's got way more than that but if I ask for higher, he's going to know I don't have it.

I sure as hell need all the dough I can get. Parole ends in two months. It gives me plenty of time to collect.

I got first pick of the goods while Mathews was sticking his thumb up his ass in the corner. Her name's Bessie.

I sneer watching Mathew's get up in the horse. "And up on Tony the pony, is Two-Bit Mathews, representing, the Lollipop Guild. What a warm welcome to Munchkin Land it is, folks."

He flips me off, getting situated on the stale. "Yeah, well I'm gonna be ridin' this big ole boy all the way down the yellow brick road, motherfucker, so get ready."

"Yeah." I snort. "Maybe the wizard can give ya about six inches...in more than one area."

Before he can think of a good comeback, Reggie Gills is standing in front of us, getting ready to wave us off to go.

I straddled the girl, rubbing her neck for good luck. After all, I might in fact need it. It's been a while since I've been on top of a horse...unless you wanna count Syl. No, I take that back. She's more of a cow.

"Five bucks," Mathews says again, looking my away. "If you skip out Dallas I swear-"

"Yeah, yeah." I turn and look a Reggie, winking at him. Reggie's been an ole pal of mine for about three years now. I'm sure he'll do me right in this race. I don't even have to ask.

He lifts the gun in the air. "We ready?" We nod in agreement and he shoots it off, making a loud bang that rings in my ears the entire ride.

I'm clearly ahead when I turn around and look over my shoulder. I got a better start than he did but I'll never admit that to him. I can already feel the crisp dollars in my hand right now. What will I buy first? I should start saving up for a new car. I'm going to need one to get where I'm going next in this big country of ours.

It's cold tonight and it's even worse when you're on a running horse. I took Curtis riding once. She stood and fed and petted the horses for most of the time while I rode around the trail. She was too scared to get on and when she did, she feel off, landing flat on her ass.

I laughed.

I laugh again, thinking about it now.

I turn around to get another look at Mathews. He's not far behind but far enough that I know I'm going to win. I flip him the finger and right when I do, Bessie stumbles, again, again, then slows, then I feel the brown dirt on my ass.

"Goddamnit!" I shout, watching Mathews speed by me, clearing enjoying this way more than he should be.

It's ok. I'll get him back...and my five bucks.

I move over, trying to get up when I feel a shooting pain down my leg. I look down at the red sticky stuff all over the dirt and my clothes. "Oh fuck."

Reggie and a few other guys race my way and I can see Mathews stopping his horse. I feel the sting on my lower leg and I put my hand on the wound. When I bring my hand back up, it's coated with dark red blood.

_Isn't this just my day?_

"Is it broken?" Reggie gets down on all fours along with some rich kid from Texas who's in med school on a full ride. I think he's name may be Gill or Fish or something stupid like that. I never pay attention to people's names unless I have to.

I move my toes around in my boot and shake my head. Gill grabs my arm and when I'm about to yank away, I see the deep gash right under my elbow and the blood it left in the dirt.

"Ain't nothin'," I say, pulling away from him and looking at it myself. I suck the sting out of it with my mouth, tasting the metallic sourness. "Ain't everyone got to get their panties in a bunch over me."

Mathews walks over, his eyes a little wide at the blood on the ground. As soon as he gets a better look, he starts to laugh. "Awe, did 'Dawy fall down and go boom?"

I glare up. If I could move my lower half better..."Fuck off. I had you. I still want my five bucks."

"No way!"

"Hush!" Reggie yells, sliding my leg over and sitting it on his knee. "Man, Dallas. It's a pretty big gash. Might wanna get it stitched up by someone. E.R. can do it in about ten minutes."

I try to pull my leg off but the soreness makes it hard. "Ah, ain't nothin' I can't do myself."

I've stitched myself up a few times. Sometimes you can't just hop over to the E.R., especially if you've gotten the gash from doing something illegal. They ask too many questions down there anyway. I've gotten pretty good using an old sewing needle and some floss. I even stitched up a few other kids when I had to. I also got pretty good at hiding the scars.

Got good at hiding a lot of things.

I put my hands flat on the ground and push myself up, limping and stumbling as I catch my balance.

"Let me take you to the hospital," Mathews says, letting me use his shoulder as a balance. "Least I can do. After all, I did leave you in smokes."

I roll my eyes, bouncing on one leg. "Nah. Give me my money and take me home. No, I take that back. Pay me back in booze. Get me a big bottle of Whiskey. I'm gonna need it when I patch this fucker up."

"Seriously, Dal," Reggie says. He puts his hands in his pockets and kicks the blood underneath the dirt. "If that gets infected it's comin' off. I saw that on the news once. Ask Chris."

_So that's the kid's name. Huh, damn._

Chris nods in agreement.

I wonder who invited this puss down here anyway. He doesn't belong here. Med school. Who goes to med school?

Mathews take me over to the gate and I prop up on it, catching my breath. My leg is on fire and my good jeans are ripped. I can feel more blood running down my arm too. I wipe it off, rubbing a little dirt in it. Pops always told me it fixed everything.

"You gonna help me to the car or what?" I ask my lackey. "C'mon! I'm cripple."

* * *

Rick wraps the bandage around again, getting it tight. I hiss out. "Damnit!"

"Nice going," he nags. "Seems like the big bad cowboy has lost his steam."

I turn my arm over, rubbing off the blood that oozed out from the stitches. "I can still take you any day. Just name the time and the place."

He shakes his head. Rick didn't used to act like a thirty year old man. Hell, two years ago we both went down to Mexico for the bull fights and robbed two liquor stores, getting chased out by three wetbacks with knives. He got hit just below the ribs. We still have the knife too.

"Fuck!"

"Quit your belly achin'."

I sip on my coke and watch him clean the area and put the finishing touches on it.

"I got a question," he says.

"Shoot."

He pats my leg, letting me move it and put it on the ground. "What happened to that girl you were with - Darry Curtis' little sister? I heard some people at the market talkin' about it today."

"What'd they say?"

He shrugs, clearly hiding the real truth behind the conversation. I can guess what people say about me. It's nothing new. "Sayin' it was a pretty bad break up. I didn't even know you were with a girl."

"I'm not," I clear up. I shrug just like he did before. "Broad couldn't take it."

He raises an eyebrow and then laughs. He gets up and goes over and starts cleaning the dishes, making sure every little piece of grim is off. "I'm sure. Could she not handle how much of a man you were?"

I wink.

"What did she want with _you_?" he asks, looking over his shoulder. "If she's anything like Darry, it'd be the last thing she'd ever do as to be seen with you. Hell, I'm surprised Darry even let that happen."

"It's every girl's dream to be with me." I start wrapping the tape around the cut on my arm to protect the stitches. "They can't resist my southern charm."

He smirks. "Yeah, that's it. All I got to tell ya, buddy, is that if this breakup was as bad as I think it was, Darry Curtis is going to have your ass mounted over his fireplace."

I didn't tell him about Darry being in the hospital or having cancer or that the next time he sees me, if ever, he'll be in a wheelchair. I can't imagine him in a wheelchair and it seems weird to even picture.

"I can take him."

"Aren't they your best friends? The Curtis brothers?"

"I don't have _best friends_," I snap. "What am I? A thirteen year old girl?"

He stops talking now. I know what he's thinking. Three brothers, older brothers of the girl I had just dated, the girl probably cried to them every night I was away...

"I got lots of friends. Don't need 'em."

Rick still doesn't say anything as if I upset him or he realizes I'm not going to talk about it anymore.

I look around the kitchen which is also the living room and my bedroom. There are very few pictures of family and friends lined up everywhere. Mainly it's just pictures of horses he wishes he had and a few of the ones he goes to see at the ranch across town.

There is one photo though. One photo I did notice as soon as I walked in but didn't mention.

She was declared the most beautiful girl in school when I was a sophomore and she was freshman. She wore a cross necklace every day. The only reason why I noticed was because it was the same one as mine. She'd always grin and smile at me in the halls and at one point during a crowded party we ended up in a room together.

We never talked after that.

I saw Rick at the funeral. I never caught the girl's last name or I would have put two and two together when I first met Rick.

I didn't know Rick. I didn't know the girl in the picture. I didn't even know her real name. Lucy was what everyone called her - the guys anyway. They thought it was pretty clever and, at the time, I thought it was pure genius. I doubt Rick knows about that nickname. In fact, I know he doesn't. He doesn't even know I knew her.

She's the reason Rick got arrested.

"What ever happened to that guy?"

"Who?"

"The one who killed your sister."

He sits a dish down in the water slowly. I stare at the back of his head, pushing him to answer like he did me. "Dead. Some kind of prison accident I think."

He tried to do it, or so I've heard. I was in the park when it all went down but ended up bailing out when I heard the sirens. No one sticks around after the sound of sirens comes.

"I'd do it again," he says quietly. "Go after him. I'd do it better this time. Actually finish the job."

I nod and look away. I've always heard there was a strong connection with family, more siblings than with parents. It's a protection thing. It's like the way Darry keeps his eyes on those kids like a hawk or the way Two-Bit went after Ronnie after he heard what was going on between them.

It's an unwritten law I think. It says you've got to do what your parents can't for your siblings. You, as the older one, are responsible for them. It's your job to look out for them….to protect them.

"The things you do for family," he says, I think mainly to himself. He picks a dish up out of the water, shakes the water off, and goes back to scrubbing it.

"Yeah," I say softly. "Don't I know it."

_Show me the way. Good Lord, show me the way. Show me the way. Good Lord just show the way. O Sinners, let's go down. Let's go down, let's go down. O Sinners, let's go down. Down in the valley to pray. (Down to the valley)_

* * *

**A/N: **Thank you as always for reading and please leave a review!


	14. Two Feet Off the Ground

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the _Outsiders_ or the song "Light Me Up".

* * *

_Does what I'm wearing seem to shock you? Well, that's okay. 'Cause what I'm thinking about you is not okay. I've got it on my mind to change my ways. But I don't think I can be anything other than me. No, I don't think I can be anything other than me._

"He's such a control freak." It's the first words out of her mouth after she stops making faces and gagging and listening to my story. "Lord, have mercy on your poor soul for having to put up with it for as long as you did."

She removes her cigarette from her mouth and blows out smoke. I do the same, copying her moves exactly. It's funny. I never thought I'd say those words before. Not even in my mind. Copying Sylvia. Funny how things change.

"Why do you say that?"

"Can't you see it?" She puts her stick out, pressing it against the tray beside her. "He has to have full control over any relationship. You can't state your opinion. Even if he agrees he'll argue against it. He has to make the first move. Like inviting you over or even fucking. He has to be the one to make the choice to do."

I take another drag from my cigarette. It's close to dark and I haven't sat down all day until now. Sylvia is sitting on her kitchen counter, smoking like a train. She's wearing a skirt that's too short and I can see her lacy black underwear underneath. I'm reporting information to her and she's intently listening to my story.

It's a wonder I'm here, sitting in her kitchen, smoking with her. Dally always told me to stay away from Sylvia. 'She's messed up. Crazy. Don't go near the stupid bitch.' I always listened, seeing how she was never my favorite person either, but now, sitting here, I see her human side. The one everyone tries to say she doesn't have.

"He ever do that to you?" she asks. "This one time, I remember, I was so fucking horny. I would have fucked Buck's Golden Retriever if be it. So I sneak up to Dally's room, you know, all sexy. I didn't even put panties on."

I press my back against the sharp side of the counter and slowly release the smoke from my mouth.

"I wore a real tight dress," she goes on. "See through. He was sleeping so I thought I'd wake him up gently. I eased his pants down to his ankles and started to suck on him hard when he jerked up and shoved me off and I hit the ground."

I start to get uncomfortable hearing this conversation.

"He was so mad at me," she says, a hint of anger in her voice. "He told me never to touch him again that way even though he's the one who made me do it and taught me how. You know, I could never move when we were having sex? Yeah, I couldn't. He'd make me stay still. He tied me up a few times."

I shouldn't believe her. I know that but all I can do is stand and listen to this story that keeps getting more interesting.

"I was like a toy to him," she says. "He'd put me on a shelf whenever he wanted to. Bastard. You know I could never wear heels either? It made me taller than him. He would leave me home if he saw them on my feet."

My cigarette's gone but I'm too afraid to ask for another one. I went through five on the way over here just to stop the crying and set my nerves right and make me less angry.

"Has he ever done any of that to you?"

"No."

"Really?"

"Nope."

She crosses her legs properly and stares at me. She presses her lips together and lifts her nose up in the air. "Lucky you then. Must of really loved you then. Or me. I'm betting on you though."

She acts like she's mad at me now, turning her head the opposite direction. I feel upset she won't look at me or tell me more stories. I want to hear more from her because I just like hearing her voice. It's making me feel better.

"On his birthday I wasn't allowed to give him a gift." I've caught her attention and she turns back and listens. "I thought that's just what everyone says, you know. So I surprised him with a party. It was just a few people. All his friends at my house. I even baked him a cake. He didn't stay for five minutes."

I've drawn her back in. She raises her eyebrows, interesting in my tale. "What happened?"

"He got upset I did it. He wouldn't even open the gift I got him." I take a deep breath and close my eyes. "I chased after him. He was on the porch. He yelled at me in front of everyone and really embarrassed me. He wouldn't talk to me for a few days. Then he called for me to come over and gave me a cupcake."

She starts cackling. She's not hiding the satisfied look on her face. She throws her head back and claps her hands. "A cupcake? A fucking _cupcake_?"

"I guess it was his way of saying sorry."

She's still laughing. She can't stop and tears are even coming out of her eyes. "I woulda' shoved the fucking thing in his fat face! How ignorant is that? After you went to all that trouble?"

I shrug and lean back against the counter. I didn't tell her the whole story of what happened. Of how later I found out he wasn't upset about the party but because his step mother had called him, hassling him about coming to town because his father was sick. I think it was mainly because neither one of them acknowledged his birthday.

"He actually tried to blame you for the break up?" She brings the subject back up because she got a kick out of it before. "Man, that's messed up. He's the one who told you to leave but he wants you waiting right where he left you when he gets back. I've been there before."

I press my lips together and smell the new smoke coming from her cigarette. "Let's get out of here."

Her lips spread out wide. "You got it, Curtis."

* * *

Sylvia is on the ground, laying out, showing off everything, and giggling. She doesn't care that everyone around us can see her panties, and that the guy making her laugh has a girlfriend. She doesn't have a care in the world right now.

I'm sitting on the ground too, smelling the smoke and watching her intently. It's hard not to.

Sylvia is beautiful whether she's smiling or not. She's flawless. Her face is clear, teeth white, body perfectly curved. Her only flaw is how skinny she's gotten. I can really see it now that I've been around her more.

I also noticed she's a lot like Angela, amongst other things. Sure, Angela wasn't like Sylvia in some ways, but they did resemble each other. They could be so carefree despite what was going on around them, yet, so sad other times. They hid their feelings well. The way they laughed was the same, the way they loved their bodies, the way they loved males and male attention.

I take another puff when the joint is passed over to me, taking in more this time.

I don't know anyone here. I know of them, I've just never talked to them before. They're Sylvia's friends. Mine are at home, probably in bed right now.

Darry is probably asleep in his hospital bed and Soda is probably staying there until morning and Pony is probably somewhere where he doesn't have to focus on the emptiness of the house, much like what I'm doing right now.

I doubt Pony has a joint in his hand though.

"Are you havin' fun, Curtis?" Sylvia sits up, grinning at me.

The guy beside her has his hand so close to her crotch. I almost think they're fooling around. I steer my eyes away from down there. "Yeah."

"Aren't the boys here cute?" she asks, nudging me with her elbow as she winks with a boy across from us. "That's one thing Dallas Winston did for me. He got me noticed."

"What do you mean?"

She waves a little at the boy, ignoring the one beside her. "Do you not see all these guys checking you out?"

I hadn't noticed anyone check me out in a long time. To be honest, I wouldn't know if they were or not. Every girl knows when a boy looks at you but when I was with Dally, boys were scared. They ran from me, not that there were many looking anyway.

"They know who we are," she says proudly. "They hear we've been with Dallas Winston and they know exactly the kinds of girls we are. He's created a reputation for us, Curtis. Might wanna get used to it."

I look at her, puzzled. Dally and me were never open with anyone about what we did, when we did it. People in this town didn't know who I was and the kind of girl I was on dates.

But as I look around and see the faces of the boys, I see that they are looking, and they're grinning. Did Dally create a reputation for me? Is that what I'm known as now - the girl who dated Dally? What does that say about me? Does it say anything? What about Sylvia? Am I like her now? We are nothing alike...are we?

"But they don't know-"

"They do." She poses a little, making sure the boy she's after sees her and her figure and everything else. "Everyone knows. You can't date Dally and not have sex. It's like the _Scarlet Letter_. You're labeled now. Get used to it."

I ignore the fact that Sylvia just made a book reference and made it right, and I stare at everyone here. There are way more boys than girls and she's right, they're all looking at us. I've seen that look, the smile, the devilish look in their eyes.

Is this how Sylvia became who she was? She dated Dally so she was automatically assumed to be a slut _and_ a bitch? Why do people think that? Sure, I thought it myself, but why? Sandy cheated on Soda just like Sylvia did to Dally. Yet, no one ever viewed her as a slut or a whore even though she was pregnant.

A reputation makes us who we are. It's like Sylvia says, we have a label now and we can't take it off.

Sylvia nudges me again, only a little harder. "It'll make you feel better. Grab a boy."

I don't want to. I don't like that they are looking at me. I don't like the goofy grins they all have on and the way they wink at me when I make eye contact with them. They don't know me. They don't even know my name.

I think about what Dally's doing now. I want him to be at home, locked in his room, but I know that's not true. I can think what I said hurt him all I want. I still know the truth.

I shake my head. I didn't come here to think about Dally. I came here so I wouldn't. It seems like wherever I go, he's always there following me.

After a while, Sylvia's gone. I didn't look for her. Instead, I stand under a tree with some other girls who are here alone too. I don't catch their names because I don't care to though they seem interesting in talking to me.

They talk about the guys here and Sylvia and how she's probably having sex for the third time tonight.

The reputation thing works with girls too. It's something Sylvia left out but I can figure it out myself. These girls I'm with, they're only talking to me because they want information out of me. Information about Dally. They whisper about me when I leave and they stare, judging and watching my every move so they can go back to school and tell everyone what I did or they'll lie and tell everyone something I didn't do just to make me sound worse.

I've seen it done before.

To Angela.

My eyes start to sting from tears as I find my way over to the beer. I just hold one. I don't open it.

I start to think of how I'm going to get home. I can't walk. I'm clearly in no condition and I don't want to leave this party alone. I think about talking to some kids from my class and maybe get them to give me a ride but I'm angry and scared.

I rub my eyes as some people come near me to get drinks. I turn and walk away from them, not wanting to talk to anyone else. I wonder if there's more pot anywhere. I probably don't need any more though.

"Why did you and Dallas break up?"

I must have heard that question fifty times tonight but I turn to the guy that asked it. He followed me and is sipping on his drink, not interested in it or getting drunk. He stares at me, intently waiting for my reply.

I wish I could say something simple when people asked me this - something that sounds interesting that will leave them satisfied and make more sense – 'he cheated on me, he hit me, he didn't love me anymore, I didn't love him anymore' - something other than the truth, the real truth that I can't say.

I sigh. "It just wasn't working out."

He accepts that answer, but like everyone else, he doesn't believe it. "I'm OG, by the way. We had biology together freshman year."

I nod though I don't remember him. "Hi."

"I've never seen you at one of these parties...or with Sylvia."

He's the first one to say this tonight even though I know people are thinking the same thing. "We're sorta friends." I turn my head, letting the wind hit me in the other direction so my hair covers up my view of him.

"I like your dress." I imagine he's viewing it right now, looking me all over. "It suits you."

It's Sylvia's. She insisted I wear something that showed a little more skin. It's too tight for me and I feel like my breasts are going to pop out any second. I guess that's why he likes it even though I just feel fat.

"Hey," he says politely. "You ok?"

"I just don't feel well. I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do next."

"I could take you home." He gets close to me and I can smell his cheap cologne. It makes my stomach turn even more. "I have a car. Or we could just crash here tonight. Go inside and get a bed or something."

I scoot over. "No. I'm sorry. I don't want to."

I expect him to ask again or even yell at me or call me a tease. I've seen this scene before with Angela but I've never had it happen to me but I'm sure this is how this works out.

"Come inside." _Here is comes._ "There's a phone. I can help you call a ride."

_That's something different._

I look at him now and realize I do know who he is. How could you forget some guy that has longer hair than you do?

"Um, sure, thank you." I follow him inside the house.

* * *

"I'm worried about you."

She's clearly angry, with curlers in her hair and a scowl on her face. I jump in the car and she waits, staring at me as if wanting and explanation as to why she had to come all the way across town and pick me up in the middle of the night.

I press my face against the coolness of the window and try not to look at her face. "Thanks for coming."

She sighs loudly for emphasis of how angry and tired she is and cranks up the car. "That's not the problem. I'd drive to Mexico to get your butt if need be. It's you being high as a kite right now that bothers me."

"How'd you-"

"I'm no moron," she says loudly and pulls out. "I know what 'high' looks like. I've been there. Don't think I haven't."

I hug on to my knees to try and get warm. I look at myself from the side view mirror and try and make out how obvious I look before I go waltzing into my house. "Sorry I woke you up."

"I told you I don't care," she snaps again. "I'm glad you did call me. What I want to know is why in God's name are you at this party wearing _that_ and stung out on pot!"

I look down at my dress and struggle to pull it down. I rub my head, realizing how tired I am. I wish she'd stop nagging me like she's my mother or sibling. This is something I'd expect Darry or Soda to do to me. I wonder why I just didn't call them.

"I'm sorry," I say again. "I just needed to have some fun. Everyone does it, Jennie. You said you did yourself at one point. I'm careful. Trust me - you don't need to worry about me any."

She stops talking for a little while and turns on the radio. It seems like it's taking an eternity to get to town. I dig in my purse and get my cigarettes out.

"No," she says as I put my lighter up to my smoke. "Danni I'll kick you out of this car."

"It's just a cigarette."

Her hands tighten the wheel. The veins are popping out of her hands. She keeps her eyes on the road and nothing else, not wanting to make eye-contact. The longer she doesn't speak, the more of a chance she'll have of cooling off.

Jennie reminds me more of Darry than Soda the way she's always like a parental figure. I guess she didn't choice that role but then, Darry didn't either. Kathy reminds me more of Soda than Darry. I never understood why they ended up with the people they did. I pictured them the other way.

I twist the stick about in my fingers and wish I was holding something different. I think about the nights I spent watching Dally smoke and how strong it smelt and how I begged him to stop and would often leave because of how much I disliked the smell. I swore to myself I'd never see what was so great about weed.

I still don't think I do.

I exhale. The car fills up with smoke. "Angela taught me how to smoke pot. She did it. I just watched. You have to hold it in for eight seconds. Let it soak in I guess. Never asked."

She rests her head on her hand and focuses on the road. The rain is coming down harder now and I focus on Jennie's wipers. The speed, the landing, the water they miss. I intently focus on them.

The country music blasts through the side of the car and my ears start to ring as I can feel my body vibrating. Jennie taps her finger on the wheel, still trying to drive her attention elsewhere. I can see just by her motions how she's feeling. There are a lot of things I know about Jennie. Things I've noted about her.

"You love my brother?" I ask out of the blue, wanting her to talk to me.

She taps harder against the leather on the wheel. "Yeah."

I study the drawing on the dashboard. It's a heart with an 'I' and a 'you' surrounding it and little hearts cover the rest of the space. It's blue and crooked. In the open glove compartment are the crayons and a coloring book.

"Your babies are going to be beautiful, like you and your sister." I pick up the piece of paper that was drawn on. "'Cept I think they'll have brown hair, like Soda. Do you ever think about that? What your babies will look like? I have mine before."

She looks over this time, studying the paper. Her face softens a little. "She drew that for me. She said it was Mommy."

It's a blonde lady. She has flowers in her hands and a pretty pink dress on. "She looks like you."

I do know a lot about Jennie. Jennie is my friend and as my friend, there are things about her that I know that Soda doesn't. I feel guilty for saying that but it's true. Jennie doesn't talk about her past. I noticed that a long time ago. I didn't find out until a few months back just exactly why she doesn't and why her sister lives with her.

It's silent for a while except for the radio and the rain. The smoke's seeping out Jennie's cracked window.

"Did you talk to Sarah today? She came in the diner yesterday lookin' for ya."

I regret not talking to her more like I should. I've been ignoring her lately. "No."

It's quiet again. She cranks the radio up more and ignores me.

We stop and she unbuckles her seat-belt. "You can stay here tonight. Darry's at the hospital and Soda's with him and Pony's at Sarah's with Johnny. Just be quiet while I pay the babysitter. Susie's probably asleep and I can't take her waking up. I'm too tired to talk tonight. We can tomorrow. I need to talk to you."

It's cold outside and in her room. She finally got out of Buck's and moved across the street into a bigger place. It isn't in the best of conditions and you can always hear the Chinese couple next door fighting. Jennie makes only a little money to support both her and her sister and I think Soda helped out for the apartment but never said and never will.

I sit down on the sofa and Jennie turns on the television. She goes into the bedroom and brings out a bundle of clothes. "Go shower and wash your hair."

I stare at the warm clothes in my hands. "Why?"

"Danni just do it. I'll fix the couch up for you."

I stand up, take the clothes, and walk to the bathroom. "Jennie?"

She sighs and unfolds a blanket. "What?"

"Thank you. You're...you're a good friend, and I'm sorry I'm not a better one."

_Do you have a light? Can you make me feel alright? There's plenty of light to go around. Do you think it's right when you hit me to the ground? Well, light me up when I'm down. Light me up when I'm down._

* * *

**A/N: **Sorry this doesn't have much going on. The next chapter has a little more. I promise.

Thanks for reading and please review!


	15. Taste Me

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the _Outsiders_ or the song "I've Been Down"_._

* * *

_My head weighs ninety pounds and I've been down. My friends are aliens and I've been down. Well now I've got no wife. Cut a lizard's tail it grows back to life. I killed some sleepless nights. My heart's torn to pieces. Could have floated._

Community service is a fucking joke.

FUCKING joke.

Do they think this is going to help me?

Like giving back to the community is going to bring the dead back. Oops, better not say that here.

It's too early to be up and my leg is killing me. I took five baby Aspirin. Yeah, it's all Rick had in the medicine cabinet. I bet I could ask any of these guys here and they'd give me something ninety percent stronger.

"Done for the day." One of the guards comes by and pats me on the back like it's some kind of thank you. Like I really have a choice in doing this or not and like I've made a big difference in the world.

I throw my stuff in the back of the truck and walk down the street. Picking up trash off the side of the road is useless. As I'm walking, I watch ten cars pass, throwing out candy wrappers and soda cans.

_Stupid idiots._

I feel the change in my pocket and count how much is there. I can't remember the last time I had a doughnut with a coke. I hadn't been up early enough for one in about a year and you can guarantee they're not on the menu at the big house.

The closest place to me is the DX and I'm too hungry to care whose inside.

The bell dings as I enter and Steve walks out from the back. He stares at me for a while before speaking. "Well, look what the cat dragged in." He smirks, coming over to me. "Come to grace us with your presence?"

I straighten up my blue jean jacket, laughing. "Ah, well, you know."

"When did you get out?"

"Three days ago."

He nods, going over to the counter to scrub it down. "Take whatever you like. It's on me, man."

I walk to the back of the store where the cooler is and take out a coke. I go over to the pastries and take two doughnuts with a lot of glaze on them and start to dig in. I'll get more in a minute since I'm not buying.

"What happened to your leg anyway?"

"Mathews."

He laughs, shaking his head. "Of course. He missed you."

I take another big bite and lick my fingers. I go over and lean across the counter. "How's the wifey?"

He grinds his teeth together, puffing up. "Fuck. You know what the girl wants now? I've given her every dime I've ever made, a house, a ring, but that's not enough anymore apparently."

"What?" I ask, now curious.

I always had a bet going with myself on how long they'd last. They'd been together since middle school but then he screwed it up and married her. Marriage ruins everything. I was just waiting for the day when he proved me right.

"A kid," he says the words slowly, dragging them out. "A fucking_ kid_."

I start to bust out laughing, choking on my doughnut. He's right, I wouldn't have guessed that...well, I could of. Evie was always wanting something, why not a kid? They were married. That's something else that will fuck everything up - babies.

"I told you to get out while you could." I shake my head, still not believing it. "You screwed up, Stevie boy."

"I ain't gonna do it." His eyes get really wide and he puffs his chest out a little. "We're too young to be havin' kids. I can't be a dad. I told her that and she's the one that gets mad at me. She won't touch me now!"

"You don't wanna touch her," I tell him. "Woman are sneaky bitches."

"I believe ya. My back is killin' me. She thinks she can just put me on the couch whenever she wants."

She can. I know she can. Steve can try all he wants to seem like the one who wears the pants in the relationship, but he's not fooling anyone. _Mrs_. Randle holds his balls in her purse.

"Hey."

Steve and I both look in the doorway. Sodapop stands there, hands in pocket. Steve gives him a small grin when he notices me standing here. I start to gather up my free doughnuts and get another one before I head out.

"How you been?" He stops me, blocking my way. "I-I didn't know you got out."

"Doin' good, man." He looks like shit. No, he looks like he's been hit by a fucking bus. I wonder how he's even standing. He has dark circles under his eyes like a crack addict who hasn't had a fix in a while.

He comes over to us and props his elbow up and rests his head on it. His eyes are only half open. Maybe he's on something. Nah, not Sodapop.

"I told you that I had this covered," Steve tells him. "Go home. Get some sleep."

Soda shakes his head, his eyes fully closed now. "'S need the money."

"I'll give you your cut."

Soda shakes his head, his eyes still fully closed. I can tell by his smell that he came from the hospital. By the looks of it, he stayed there all night. I can imagine what sleeping there all night must have been like. Soda probably didn't leave Superman's side since he found out.

"You look good," he says to me. "'Cept for the leg."

Steve shakes his head at him and goes into the back, leaving us alone for a minute.

I stand, finishing off my food and balancing on my good leg. I start to think about how to get some stronger pills. There's a CVS down the block that should be easy to sneak and grab a few pills. It wouldn't be the first time I committed such a crime. All I need is a distraction or two and it'll be easy.

"I know."

I thought he was sleep by now. His eyes are still closed. "What?"

He opens them up slowly and looks behind his shoulder to make sure Steve is still in the back and not in hearing distance. He faces me again. "About that Soc kid."

I make a fist, crushing the remains of my doughnut. My blood pressure is rising. It doesn't take a fucking rocket scientist to figure out what's going on here. I could kill someone. I just might...again.

"I'm not going to tell."

"Good."

He leans up, trying to wake himself up. He drags himself over to me and gets face-to-face with me so I can feel his warm breath. He stares me down, well, as much as he can with his eyes half-open.

"I ain't gonna ask why. I don't care. I only care about one thing - don't go near my sister...again. We...we got enough goin' on. If I see you near her, or hear about it, I'll kick your ass, Dallas. I swear it."

I don't know if it's from his lack of sleep, or the fact that I've been gone so long that he thinks he can take me like he says he can. He's never talked to me like this before and I'm thrown back a bit. I've heard this same thing come out of countless dickhead's mouths, even Tim's, but something's different hearing Sodapop say it to me.

I can't help but laugh. I reach into my pocket and light up a fag. "Yeah. Ain't gonna be a problem."

He nods, sneering a little himself. He watches my cigarette smoke fill the gas station and I know his mouth is watering. He hasn't had one, in what? Six months now is it?

"We good?"

"Yeah, we good, man. I heard about Darrell."

He leans against the counter and looks forward instead of at me. "Yeah. It ain't real good. I just got back from the hospital this morning. He lost his job last night."

"Damn."

"Yeah. I'm pullin' extra here and Pone's applying today at Dairy Queen."

That reminds me - it's almost lunch. I might go get a good word in for baby Curtis.

"We celebratin'?" Steve rounds the corner, munching on a Snicker bar. He takes his spot on the stool behind the register and pops open the cash just to make sure. "I gotta get out of my house and so does this one." He motions to Soda.

"Friday," I tell him. "I wanna see that Ape movie."

Steve snickers. "We gotta bring Two."

Soda shrugs, holding himself up. "I'll get the booze then. I'm off to Jennie's. You got this covered?"

Steve waves as Soda makes his way out the door. He blows out air once he's out of sight. "He's gonna kill himself. Kid may be able to defeat death twice but third time's a charm and he's knockin' on his door."

Somehow, my money isn't on him. I had a different person in mind to kick it first.

* * *

She circles me, not breaking from my eyes. She smells expensive and good. Her black dress shows off her slender curves and her thick thighs and smooth legs. Her hair his long and dark and smells like peaches. It always does. She washes it every day just so it can smell like this. A smell that will bring you closer to her. I grin as I smell her.

They say most woman are only beautiful when they smile. It's not the case for her. She's beautiful when she scowls. It's mean and nasty and wicked yet inviting for a fucking. She knows it too. It makes every guy in town go hard.

If she wasn't so cold, I'd have her in bed in about five minutes. I'd seen her around before Tim and her got together. You can't miss a girl like Tiffany. She's like fire and meaner than the devil himself. She has sharp, big, brown eyes. She's every man's fantasy and nightmare.

I bet she makes Tim's life a living hell every day. No, scratch that. Tim's leaving a nightmare full of sex and fantasies.

"Nice to see you again." Her heels click against the hard slick wood floor. She stops moving and stands in front of me, smacking her dark red lips together. "Long time, no see. I must say, it's been real quiet since you've been gone."

She sticks her hand out for me to take. Her nails are long and red. I smirk and ignore it. "Where's Tim?"

Her hand falls to her side. "He should be coming any second."

I wish I could see her from behind. She'd bite my head off if she caught me looking and she's not about to break eye-contact to let me do it. I still can't believe she's Tim's but the ring comes down to her cleavage, proving that she belongs to him and she has no intentions of breaking that until she gets everything she's after.

No one's really taken a good look at the two of them when they walk down the street. No one's seen them from behind and put together one thing - she's Angie baby plus five years. That's the scary part of looking at Tiffany. Same eyes, same hair, same frown, same sex driven fire attitude. If I didn't know any better-

"Take your eyes off her Winston." Tim rounds the corner, handing his lady her drink and locking arms with her. "Stop drooling you fucking idiot."

She grins at him before parting and leaving us alone. As she heads up the stairs, I look around Shepard to get one last good look at that big beautiful ass of hers before he steps in my way.

"Ah, Shepard, you remember when you were in school? That time Father Evans walked in on you and Christi Holden in the bathroom and you swore you weren't doin' nothin'. Meanwhile she's got a wad of cum hangin' off her face?"

He's eyes burn holes in me though he's not hiding the little corners of his mouth that are going up. "And?"

"You dated classy woman, man."

Tim looks over his shoulder at his woman still making her way up the stairs. He smirks. "Yeah, and?"

"What happened?"

His brows form together. He pushes the door open for me. "Shuddup. I don't wanna have to hand you your ass on your first day back."

"I'm serious!" I say, stepping into the house. "Remember Mini and Daisy? The twins we banged together at that big town house across town? I'd never seen those skinny legs of yours run so fast when they're daddy came chasin' after us."

He laughs a little, remembering it as well. He licks his lips thinking of the memory and taste of Daisy. "Your fat ass almost got us caught. That's all I remember from that night. Might wanna lay off the Little Debbie's." He hits my stomach.

"Man, when you got a girl name Mini Mouse fuckin' ya, you don't run out just because Daddy comes home."

"Do you even know her real name?"

"Does it even matter?"

I sit on his couch and lit up a fag. I can't remember the last time I was in this shit hole. He's lived here all his life. He only moved back a few weeks before Christmas when his mom and husband number four got arrested for left and domestic abuse. They got ten years. No one cared really. Tim got the house, Curls got the basement.

He hands me a beer and sits beside me. "How does it feel to be a free man again?"

It's the first beer I've had in three months. I enjoy every sip I take. "Didn't expect to see that broad at the door. Figured she'd leave your sorry ass the first chance she got. Didn't figure she held your balls so tight."

"Yeah, I recall a little girl doin' the same thing to you," he says. "Oh what was her name? It's slipped my brain."

"Shuddup." I take another sip and then another. "Broad never had my testicals in the palm of her hand like that broad does you. Never thought I'd see the day Timmy."

He kicks his shoes off and leans back. Darry got him a job a few months ago working on roofs with him. It's the only job Tim's ever held down. I got a good idea who's making sure he goes to work every day. Her time will come and she'll learn all about the man sitting on her couch and just what he's capable of. It happens all the time. I'll bring it out of him.

"Never guess who I saw together at a party last week."

"Who?"

He moves his head so he looks at me. He laughs. "Two of yours."

"Sylvia." That's a given. I don't even have to think about that. "How is my lil' princess of Tulsa anyway? Still got Cs or did she upgrade to Ds?"

He grins wide as he takes a sip of beer. "Should ask Curtis."

"Don't tell me the she-devil is after him."

"_She._" He winks. "The two MVPs of Dallas Winston's fuck list have made nice."

I chug on my drink. I think of the last time I saw Sylvia. She had white powder all over her face and it wasn't from doughnuts. That's before the hospital and the mental institution. She was spitting out crazy stuff. No one knew what to do with her. That was the night Buck threw her out on the road and left her there until morning.

"Spent the whole night in the bathroom smoking dope together," he goes on. "Bryan told me he saw them together last night too. Need to get better control of your ladies."

My drink's gone. I get up and get another one and then go back into the living room. He's seemed to drop the conversation as he's gotten caught up into the game on TV. "Where is she?"

"E apartment. Room 104. Careful, she's got claws now."

It may be time for the princess to see her prince again. Lord knows she's missed me dearly.

_I am the funny guy. Yeah I've been down. I am the big rock star. Yeah I've been down. I'll never be the same 'cause I've been inside out. And i wanna be an animal and take care of my own. My head weighs ninety pounds and I've been down. My friends are aliens and I've been down. I know what it's like 'cause I've been down. Devil sneaks in and deals and I've been down._

* * *

**A/N: **Short and slow chapter again. I know. I apologize. I'm aiming for a quick update though.


	16. Sorry Like an Angel

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the_ Outsiders_ or the song "Indifferent to Suffering".

**A/N: **I know these past few chapters have been nothing but fillers but I hope these next few are better and more action filled for a change.

* * *

_Unrelenting addiction. The struggle continues. The urge to satisfy isn't the question. Just don't want to be around to face the consequences. Fake smiles surround. To ensure the desire. As perverse as it seems, it stays. Who leads their waste of time?_

"Is she really sleepin'?"

"Yes?"

"She looks funny."

A pot bangs against the stove and the smell of cinnamon and bacon overwhelm my nose and the weight of the child on my legs is starting to hurt. I shift over to my side and rub my face. "What-"

"Mornin', Danni!" Susie's big green eyes glare down at me with a smile only she can pass. Her two front teeth are missing and they aren't straight by any means. This is Susie in all her beauty, messy hair and all.

"Hi, Suse."

She sits back on my legs, still cheerful and happy. "Jennie is makin' French Toast and bacon and juice. You want some? It's really, really good! I promise. She's a really good cook!"

The light is hurting my eyes. Jennie needs some blinds. After weeks of hunting for a Christmas present, I finally find a useful one. "I'm sure she is. It smells good."

She squeals and jumps down to get a plate. "I'll pour the juice for you!"

I wallow in the blanket until my feet touch the floor. Jennie shoots me a stare, and goes back to cooking the bacon without a word. I can feel her anger just by the expression on her face. I rub my tired, sore face.

"Here!" Susie comes running over, juice spilling from the top of the cup. "It's orange. You like orange?"

I take it from her and sip on the edge. "Yeah, orange is good."

I take the plate and pick around at the food. Jennie sets a place for Susie at the table and rushes for her to hurry because Mrs. Cook is going to take her to the park today. Susie wolfs down her food and throws her plate into the sink.

Someone knocks at the door as I pick up my fork and start to take some food in.

"I got it."

Susie jumps up from the table and runs into the person's arms as they spin her around. "Sodapop!"

"Susie Moo!" He drops her and ruffles up her hair a little. "See you're bright-eyed and bushy tailed this morning, as always."

She giggles and takes his hand, leading him into the room. "I got a new baby doll yesterday."

"You did?"

"Uh-huh! She has a pink dress and everything! Will you play house with me? I'll let you be the daddy this time."

Jennie eases the door shut, still clearly tired. She eyes me, as if it's a warning to collect myself and to do it quickly. It's also a sympathetic look. She feels almost sorry for me. I look back down at my food.

I pick at my food some more as Susie leads Soda around the sofa, his eyes catching mine instantly. "Danni? What are you doin' here? I thought you were-"

Susie falls to the floor and picks up a few toys. "We had a sleep-over!"

I tiredly blink a few times and try not to look him right in the eyes. "How's Dar?"

He slouches and shoves his hands in his pockets and sighs loudly. "Ok. Same as before. The meds seem to be doing him some good though. He's slowly getting better I suppose."

The normal response.

"Why you here? I didn't hear from you last night. I was kinda worried where you ended up."

Jennie casually walks by and puts an arm on his shoulder, easing him out of the conversation. A sign that she is going to take care of it. "I invited her. Figured she needed company."

Soda accepts that answer and goes into the kitchen to fix himself a plate. He seems like he has his mind on something. He doesn't press the matter of me not calling, which was the rule, and not being around all day yesterday.

"Thanks," I whisper to Jennie as she passed me.

"I want to talk to you." She took my hand and yanked me up from the couch. "Soda, can you watch Susie for a minute?"

Soda nods, again not asking any question. His face is almost solemn. I wonder if Jennie notices this too or if she knows why Soda looks that way. Did they talk before he came over? Did she tell him something?

Jennie takes me into her bedroom and closes the door behind us. She crosses her arms and stands over me while I take a seat on the end of her bed. "What happened last night?"

"Nothing," I say quietly. "It's not the first time. I don't see what the big deal is. Soda's done it before, you said you have, I'm sure Darry has at some point too. Are you gonna rat me out?"

"It's not something you need to get into," she says. "I'm not telling on you but that's not what I'm talking about."

I look around her bedroom, not really interesting in talking or making eye-contact. I feel like I'm being lectured and I'm not in the mood to hear any of it. "Then what are you talking about?"

"I'm worried about you." She sits next to me on the bed, trying to get me to focus on her and not the confides of her room. "Sylvia? Since when were you two friends? Since when do you party? Since when do you smoke dope?"

"I've partied before," I tell her with a slight snap of the tongue. "You don't know what I did before you came along. Can I not try new things without people throwing a fit?"

"I'm not throwing a fit if that's what you're implying." She's the one who's snapping now. "I'm only saying that the timing is-"

I turn my head, already knowing where she's going. "I'm really tired of people bringing that up. It's been three months. Did you know that? I'm sick of people bringing him up all the time. I'm my own person and I make my own decisions. He has nothing to do with what I did last night or what I do with the rest of my nights. He's not the cause of anything anymore."

She sighs deeply. "Ok."

"Ok?"

"If that's what you say."

"You don't believe me?"

"I didn't say that."

I stand up. I cross my arms over my chest and stand there, my back to her. "I'm fine, Jennie. Sure, there's things I wish I knew, but I've accepted the fact that I'll never figure them out. Some days I think about him. Some days I think of why and how and what our lives would have been like but I've grown to see that there's no going back. We can't go back to what we were. It's over now. Dally's probably long gone by now. Texas probably. I don't care."

"I think you do." She stops me just as I reach for the door. "I think you miss him."

I sigh. I stay with my back to her and whisper, "I don't miss him. I miss who I thought he was."

* * *

It's almost Friday. Sylvia's called five times and I haven't answered. I'm not up with going out with her and Jennie's promised to personally kick my ass if she finds out I've been smoking pot with her again. So here's another weekend of staying in.

I tuck the sheet into the bed. Darry's in the bathroom throwing up again. Soda's in there with him now while I make up his bed for him. I can hear Darry shouting and cussing and Soda trying to calm him down. It doesn't do much good.

"The day I eat something and it actually stays inside of me is the day hell freezes over." He slams into the bed and throws the pillow over his face. "Can you get me some water, Soda?"

Darry hasn't been the easiest person to deal with since this all started. Since he lost his job the other night, he especially hasn't. Kathy and Soda are rarely around anymore. They've both taken extra shits and Pony's working now. My hours are at an all-time low and I'm on the verge of being with Darry at the unemployment office.

"How's school?"

"Good."

"Grades good?"

"Yeah."

He removes the pillow to look at me. "Just because I'm sick doesn't mean you can slack off and try and get away with stuff," he warns sternly with a small smile. "I'm not too sick to tan your hide if I got to. Remember that."

I nod. If he only knew stuff was already getting by him. "I'm not in any mood to sneak around. Studying is all I have to do these days anyway so there's nothing to worry about there."

"No boys?"

I shake my head.

His smile widens. "That's the way I like it."

I laugh and Soda returns with a glass of water and hands it to Darry. He helps him raise up to drink it. "I'm gonna go get in a nap before dinner. You gonna be alright?"

"I'll watch him," I say, noticing how he barely stands.

Darry rolls over and waves Soda and me out of the room. "Yeah, yeah. Sleep. I'm going too. I've got a killer headache along with everythin' else."

Once we get out of the room Soda pulls me into the kitchen with him. "You need to talk to Pony. I would but I got to get some sleep before I fall over and I think you probably have more to say to him than I do."

"About what?"

Pony's the one who has stayed in the shadows through this whole experience. He's gone to school, done his homework, worked, ate his dinner, hasn't talked back, and went to bed on time. It's hard to notice when he's even around.

Soda rubs his face and heads into his room, taking me with him. "You gotta promise not to yell at him in the house. I really need some sleep and I can't do it if I got to referee a fight."

"Ok. What is it?"

He sighs. He sits on his bed and tries to keep his head up. "He kissed Sarah."

* * *

"She's a_ virgin_," I stress the word. "She's dating your best friend. What do you think you're doing?"

"She kissed me too," he says sternly, getting in my face. "Nothing happened! This isn't your business so leave me alone!"

The door is slammed in my face and I'm left standing in the hall hearing Soda snore and Darry cough from downstairs. Pony is in his room, throwing things and punching the walls in a fit of anger.

This is life in the Curtis house these days.

"I'm sorry." I peel the door back. He's lying on his bed with his arm covering his face. His chest is heaving up and down as he's trying to catch his breath. "I didn't mean to jump at you like that. I overreacted."

"You didn't," he mumbles from underneath his arm. "It's really not what you think though. There's nothing going on between us so you can stop worrying."

I sit on the end of his bed. It's quiet again and Soda's snoring from next door fills the room. "What happened?"

"It happened really fast. I'm not interested in her, Dan. There's another girl."

I wish I could believe him. I do. I want to. I stare at the floor and try to think of good explanations of why this happened. "Who is she?"

"Who?"

"The girl."

He sighs as he uncovers his face and looks at me. "Her name's Carmen."

I nod. I should be happy that he's going after someone other than Sarah and that he's off of Cherry but there's something holding me back from being happy for him.

"Is she nice?"

"Yeah. She's real good lookin'."

"That's nice."

Pony hasn't talked very much ever since Darry went into the hospital, not that we've had much time together to talk. The signs with Sarah were clear. I just hate it happened. I should call Sarah. I should talk to her. I should talk to Pony.

"Don't be mad at Sarah," he says after a while. "It was my fault."

I look over my shoulder and stare at him. "What happened?"

"We were talking about Darry about a week ago." He takes a deep breath. He always does when he says Darry's name. "She was helping me out and...and I don't know. I miss read the signs. I kissed her and she pushed me off and ran."

I bite my lip. About a week ago? I really should be talking to Sarah more. How did I miss this? "What about Johnny?"

He shrugs nonchalantly. "I haven't talked to him. I don't know if she told him. I hope she didn't. Do you think I should tell him about it? I don't want him to be mad at her...or me."

Johnny and Sarah have been together for five months now. Johnny lives with Sarah. He has since January and he's mother went on a rant and set their house on fire. Pony and Johnny have been best friends since first grade. It's tough to tell if a girl can break up such a strong friendship like that but I know the answer and so does Pony.

"I've always liked her," he goes on to say. "Ever since you brought her over. I know I shouldn't have because I was with Cherry then, but she was really nice to me after it happened. We were friends. Even more than you and her sometimes. Not anymore I don't guess."

I always knew Pony was hard for Sarah but I never expected him to act on it this way, especially when his best friend was still dating her. It was no secret though. Sarah was sweet for Pony as well. I don't mention that.

"I'm sorry it happened," I tell him quietly. "I'm sure if you talk to her and explain your side-"

"She kissed me back, Dan." He practically whispers it and looks down. "I-" he shakes his head. "It's gonna kill him. I-I didn't mean to do that. He's gonna hate me."

"I'll talk to her. It's ok. It was misunderstanding. We'll make it a misunderstanding. Right?"

He takes a minute before he agrees. He's almost white and his face is damp from the sweat he worked up from wrecking his room. He hasn't had it easy since Cherry moved on and started date Kenny Woods - the captain of the football team. He thinks that since she's moved on, he should too and that meant finding a girlfriend.

I pick at my nails. "How are you?" I change the subject. "Other than this. I haven't talked to you much since..."

"I'm fine. It's just a lot to take in. Our lives are gonna be hell for the next few weeks. You know that, right? I hear Soda and Darry talking at night. The surgery's a really big deal and Darry's gonna be sick from the meds until then."

I blow out a breath of air. I'd heard them talking too. "I know."

"How are you doing? I heard Dally's out now."

He almost hesitates to say it which makes me shake my head. "I'm fine. I haven't seen him," I lie. "He's probably jumped states by now. Who knows."

"You don't think he'd stay here with his friends? Why would he move?"

"It's just a hunch."

He shrugs and gets up off the bed. "You know him better than I do. You wanna go get some dinner? I'm paying. I thought we could surprise Soda so he wouldn't have to cook."

Any chance to go out, I was taking it.

* * *

The late bell is about to ring. Our Math class room starts to fill up. It's the first day I've been to school the full day. I normally sneak out during lunch and go get ice cream and walk around until three and then go home. It's not hard to sneak around with Darry being bed ridden and his spies busy with their own lives now too. It's not like a year ago.

"Hey Danni." Marilyn comes into the room, her newly short blonde hair hands to her jaw line. She cut it all off before Christmas break ended.

"Hey Marilyn."

She takes her seat next to me. "I got a letter from Randy the other day."

Randy held up his promise and moved schools. Mrs. Adderson reads me all the letters during work when I'm on break. It really helped him a lot. It was an all boy boarding school and he seems happier than I've seen him in a long time. He wrote me a letter about a month ago, just to talk. He says it's taken his mind off things and it's helped him deal with Sam's death and the things Sam and Michael both made him do.

Ever since Michael died, Marilyn's been on her own. It's as if she's dealing with being her own person for once in her life instead of a twin. She's cut ties with all of her old friends and quit cheering. She's single for the first time since third grade and she's getting into her grades for one.

Her parents announced their divorce a few weeks after Christmas. It was the biggest gossip around town besides mine. Her mother moved to Vermont to get a new job and she stayed here with her father. A few weeks after her mother moved out her father went on a drunken rant that sent Marilyn in the hospital.

You can still see the faint scar on her chin where he forced her face into the glass coffee table.

It's something Marilyn's never had to deal with - dysfunction.

I catch her tearing up in class sometimes but it's about all you can catch her doing. She's put herself on lock down. She says she's trying to get into college and start her life all over in a different place where she doesn't have a school and town full of people constantly judging every move she makes.

I can relate to her more than I ever thought I would.

"I'm glad he's doing good."

"Me too," she says with a happy smile - one that she hasn't shown in a while. Then, as soon as it came, it's gone. "At least someone is out of all of us that's left."

I turn around in my seat and doodle on my paper. It's hard to talk to Marilyn. She doesn't talk during school but some days you can find her wanting conversation. Today was one of those days. Today was the day the nominees for prom queen were announced during first period and she wasn't on the list.

Prom Queen - Marilyn's dream since she was eight.

It's Friday and everyone's got their heads together talking about plans and the big party tonight that's supposed to happen at the lot. They talk about the lies they're going to tell to their parents and what drinks are being brought. Marilyn watches them from the corner of her eye, just like I do.

"I see you finally made it to class for once." I look up from my drawings, finding a pair of green sparkly eyes smiling down at me. He looks at my drawings and laughs. "I like the one with the rabbit."

"T-Thanks," I stammer, quickly closing my notebook. "They're...they're just doodles."

He nods before he takes a seat in the desk beside me. He scoots it over so it's just the two of us talking and no one can hear us. "I figured you were avoiding me."

"Why?"

"Because of the kiss..."

I can feel Marilyn's eyes going to us. She may have changed her outlook on life but she's still one for good gossip. "I...there's just been a lot going on. I haven't been avoiding you."

I haven't even thought about the kiss and I feel terrible for admitting that, even in my head. There's disappointment all over Peter's face. I try and count the days since we've talk and it's been a week.

"You doing something this weekend?" I ask quickly before Mr. Parsons has a chance to enter the room. "I-I was thinking we could go catch a movie or something. I mean, only if you want to though."

His face lights up and he smiles again. I've never seen anyone smile that big before. It looks on him. It feels good to know I'm the one who put that big of a smile on someone's face.

"Yeah. Yeah, Danni. That'd be great. What time should I pick you up?"

"Seven."

The bell rings and Mr. Parsons slams the door shut. Peter gets up and fixes the desk back. "I'll see you tonight then."

Mr. Parsons doesn't miss a beat as he starts writing the answers to last night's homework on the board. I slowly rotate around in my desk so I'm facing forward and I start to write them down on the blank sheet of paper that I was supposed to do them on.

When I look up from my paper I see Marilyn's eyes still on me, watching every move I make. I make eye-contact with her. She gives me a small, sympathetic smile and goes back to her work.

Sympathy - I hate it.

_Ever wondered what it's like, to have dreams last forever? Never to wake again, from the everlasting of them. Life feeds off life. Indifferent to suffering. Liars grow stronger. The taste is similar. To the sweetest kiss ever encountered. A painful bliss on my head._


	17. Drink My Soul

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the _Outsiders_ or the song "Catholic Boy"_._

**A/N: **Thanks for all the love. Happy Labor Day! Let's all relish in the fact that there is no school. Hopefully you're doing something more exciting than me, filling out college essays.

* * *

_I was born in a pool, they made my mother stand. And I spat on that surgeon and his trembling hand. When I felt the light I was worse than bored. I stole the doctor's scalpel and I slit the cord. I was a Catholic boy. I was redeemed through pain. Not through joy._

I climb up the stairs of the apartment building. There's blood on every other step. On the third floor, I find a tampon - used. Going up a couple more steps, my shoes stick on something sticky. As I go up another floor I see what it was I was stepping all over as I find a semen coated condom.

I got about two guesses as to who it belongs to.

There are not one, but two babies crying on the top floor. As I walk down the hall, I'm almost taken out by a glass vase being thrown towards my head. I peek into the room to find a half-naked woman having a fit, calling me her husband.

I veer right, going towards room 104.

I don't knock. I just go inside.

It reeks of sex. Not the good kind either. The sticky, wet kind. The smell that has a fruity overtone and a scent of regret and humiliation. It's a familiar smell. One that I'm used to.

There are dirty clothes everywhere, most of them being undergarments. They're all lace. It's all she's ever worn. The TV's on _Bewitched_ and there's a sound of running water coming from the room with the light on.

I get comfortable, sitting on her stained sheets, facing the door so I'm the first thing she sees when she comes through.

"Fuck." She stops, crosses her arms, and puts on her smirk. "Hello."

"Hello."

She struts through her room and when I say strut, I mean runway strut. Her back is arched back, her breasts forward so that they're the main focus, and she's pointing her toes upward like she's on heels.

"Five o'clock shadow," she says, licking her lips. "Nice."

"You went down a cup," I say, seeing her perky nipples through the fabric of her dress. "Gave up the Twinkies?"

She studies me, not parting my eyes. She walks around in a small circle like Tiffany did the other day. She did it better. Sylvia's stumbling over her own feet and she's barely standing upright. I start to wonder what she's on because it's obviously something and something strong.

She kneels in front of me so she's at eyes level. She sneers and cups my face, rubbing down to my chin. "I can't believe it's you. You don't look the same. Not a bit."

I move her hand away from me. "Nice dump you got here." I get up and examine her living space. The paint is green and the corners are covered with mold.

She follows me as I walk through the space. She stays to my back so I won't see her but I do. Her feet are like elephants that are charging through the jungle. "What do I owe this visit anyway, Dallas?"

I stop and stand in front of a picture of the Virgin Mary. There are two crosses on either side. They're old and dusty. They're from her catholic school girl years. That's how I met her - through Tim. They went to school together back in the day.

Her cheeks were real red the first time I saw her. Her hair was slick and blonde and in a tight ponytail. She had a bow in her hair that matched her stockings that came up just to her knee. She was a piece of work. She had no record, no agenda, no sneaky smirk, just a smile that caught me a little off guard.

"I asked you a question," she repeats herself, putting a hand on her hip. "Why are you here?"

I turn around to her. "I got some things I need to ask ya."

She snickers, turning away and getting her box of Marlboro cigarettes. She pulls one out with her long nails and holds it tight as she lights it. She doesn't use Marlboro. Her brand was always Winston.

"Go ahead," she says, letting the smoke ride off her dark red lips. "I got time."

I remember the first time I kissed her. It tasted like cherries. I surprised her with it. She almost fell over. It was her first kiss and she was innocent and young and didn't know what to do. So she just stood there, my lips on hers.

When we parted she looked at me. She couldn't stop giggling. She begged me for a cigarette and to teach her how. I remember my exact words to her, "I'll teach you all kinds of things."

I sit down on her bed, making it scream. She props her bare foot up against the wall and leans there, staring down at me with her big brown loathsome eyes.

I take the box of fags off her night stand and light one up for myself. "How was the loony bin?"

"Fine," she says. "You didn't come all this way to talk to me about that now did you, Dallas?"

Her eyes were the first thing I noticed about her. The way they looked like a cat on a full moon, eager to live and get into anything and everything. They showed off her age, her innocence. Poor thing had no idea what was waiting for her out in the real world. Protected by her parents and nuns all her life. She never lived before she met me.

I take a long drag off my smoke before I set it in her ash tray. Her eyes follow along with every move I make. I stand up so I'm towering over her. I make sure she's stuck up against the wall with no way of getting away.

I scowl down at her frail body. "Stay away from my stuff if you know what's good for you. If I ever hear, see, or catch you in my shit again, I'll end you. I'll break your scrawny little neck in two, you ignorant bitch."

She looks up at me, unphased. She smirks and puts her cigarette back up to her lips. "You think I'm scared of _you_?"

I knock her stick out of her hand. It slides across her wood floor and hits the wall. I put my hands on her shoulders. Her bones stick out, jabbing my hands. I pin her against the wall and hold her there.

"I killed a guy," I growl. "Be careful who you're talking to."

Her smile doesn't fade her lips. Inside, I know her ice heart is beating through her bony chest. "The girl can think for herself, Dallas. Last time I checked, she didn't belong to you anymore."

"I ain't gonna say it again." I get closer to her face. Our noses almost touch. "I'll kill you, bury you're body in the woods. Bugs will tear off your flesh. No one will ever find you. Ever. No one will even look. Got me?"

I give her one last push before I walk away from her and go over to the cigarette smoking on the ground. I pick it up and smoke on it.

"She came to me, you know," she says to me. "Like a little kitten. She was so lost, so scared. She came to me for comfort. I can't help that. I just gave her something she wanted. She just didn't know it."

The first time we had sex, I promised to blow her away. She wanted me to be easy. It was her first time and she was practically shacking the entire time. I held her still with the strength of my arm. She cried out, begging me be gentle on her little body. I kept going, kept pressing on, and changing her forever.

I turn around and look at her. Her sneaky smirk is still there, waiting for me to do something.

"She cried to me," she goes on to say. "Told me all about how hurt she was. She told me we were alike now and asked if I'd help her. So I did. I gave her the one thing to turn her life around. Poor little Danni. So lost. So scared. Nowhere to go."

There was a full moon that night. I remember it because it was so light in the room and she didn't want me to see her in the nude. After it was over she cried and cried and cried. They weren't tears of sadness, but joy. She thanked me. She told me she loved me and asked me if I loved her. I said what every girl wants to hear. Then we did it, over and over again.

She goes to her bed and picks up her filer. She scratches away the top of her long nails, waiting for me to take my move in this game. She had her cards out on the table and I could either challenge them, or fold.

"We could have great angry sex right now," she whines. "Just me and you, releasing all this anger into each other. Just like the good ole days, right Dallas?"

Her skirts went up, her blouses went down. She tossed all her bows out and her white training bras. She found the joy of hairspray and lace and heels. She told me stories of catholic school. She told me about how she got paddled by her teacher for having too short of a skirt. She told me how much that turned her on - to be spanked that way by a _man_.

She touches herself. She starts at her ankle and slowly lets her arm slide up her leg and up to the tip of her thigh. She doesn't look at me while she's doing. She does it again like she's rubbing in lotion.

She was sixteen when she dropped out. Her parents were pissed. Her dad came hunting for me. She told me about how he punished her the next day. She told me about how she touched herself that night and thought of me. I never want to leave you, she said. She wasn't going to let any girl have me except for her.

I roll my eyes at her, declining her offer after some thought. "I'm outta here. Remember what I told you."

I put my hand in my pocket to get out the keys to Rick's Falcon. I run my hand through the lint and coins and then do the same thing to my other one.

I stare at her, eyes blazing. "Where are they?"

She lies down on the bed, her skirt hiked up. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"My keys, bitch," I spit. "Where are they?"

She begins to laugh. She keeps going for a good two minutes without stopping. It's a witch's cackle. One of evil and pleasure.

I went to jail the next summer. Broad cried all day when I was taken off. She promised to never leave me. Never to part from me or do me wrong. I'd never felt this way about a girl before her. There was always something about her that kept me going back and kept me from wavering to others. She was something to call mine and I liked her.

She runs her hand back down her smooth legs. She watches me this time as if she's sending off an invitation.

"Where. Are. They?"

And she laughs.

A month later, I go to her apartment. I grabbed some flowers from that stand across the block. They were red. She had told me before how it was her favorite color. I paid ten cents for them. I get up to her floor and go inside. All I saw was her legs spread out, and Tim Shepard inside of her. I heard the moaning all the way down the block.

I know what she's doing now and why she's calling attention to her lower half. I scowl and grind my teeth together. "You sorry piece of shit!"

She giggles. "Go ahead and get them. No one's stopping you."

She apologized over and over again. She came by my place every day with those crocodile tears. She said he took advantage of her and that she didn't know what she was doing. I love you, she said. I got her back a few times after that. Then, one night at a party, we started it all over again.

"I told you," she says, laying her body out on the bed and spreading her legs open. "Get them yourself."

I look at her lower half, the little hairs sticking out around her underwear. I shake my head and turn away. "Listen here, bitch, you have five seconds to give me my keys back or-"

"Or what?" she coos, seductively twisting her hair around her finger. "What is the big bad greaser boy going to do to poor little ole me? Hit me? I thought you didn't hit girls, Dally?"

I scowl at her. "You're no girl."

She raises her eyebrows, amused. "Oh, really? So what was I back when you were fucking me? That'd make you, what? A fag? No, not Dallas Winston."

"You're a sick witch," I spew at her. "What's your agenda anyway, Sylvia?"

She rolls around on the bed and lets out a loud sigh. "I don't have one. You're the one still standing in front of me. Don't think I don't know where you're looking Dallas. Go on, get your keys."

"Bite me."

"Gladly."

She starts to cackle as I stand with no comeback. She moves her hips around in circles, drawing attention to her open dress and her exposed crotch. I can make out the outline of my keys inside her panties as she moves back and forth.

"I'm waiting, Dallas," she eggs on. "Touch me. Reach inside of me and take your goddamn keys you dirty SOB."

I yank her arm, flipping her upward and jerking her head. Once she's in sitting position I lower myself down to her position. Her smile doesn't fade as my eyes lock on hers. "I wouldn't touch you if you had a grand shoved up there."

She pouts, making a 'poor me' face with her mouth. "Awe, come on now, Dallas. Why don't you love me? Why doesn't anyone love me? No one loves me, do they?"

"Jesus loves you," I smirk. "Everyone else thinks you're a cunt."

"Funny." She flips her hair behind her shoulders and sits up straight. "I don't want you either. You think I'd fuck _you_? News flash - I'm not a silly little girl with a crush anymore. I've grown up and I don't need you anymore. That's for sure."

She was mine. My possession. I gave Tim his after a while. It made her happy that I was fighting for her. She said we could start all over again. Forgive and forget.

I never forgot.

"Forget it," I say, waving her off. "I can hot wire the fucking thing."

I can hear her snickering as I turn away. "Good bye, Dallas! Run off now! Move on, go find a gal. It seems like Danielle has."

I stop, grabbing the side of the door with my hand and clinching it. I stand there for a minute, hearing her as she laughs and moves around on the bed, touching herself. I hear her get up and walk to stand behind me.

Her laughing stops and she's serious again. "Peter's his name. Real cute kid. He's younger than her but looks about twenty. He's some kind of boy genius. Good looker. Lives on Oak Street. You might want to check on one of your pets too. I hear he's been following in your very own footsteps."

I walk on, standing in the hallway.

She calls out to me, "You didn't hear that from me though!"

* * *

The kid was sitting on the stoop of his porch. He had his face in his hands. He had been that way for a while.

I picked him up and took him to the Seven-Eleven down the street.

He sips on the large Slush Puppy I bought him. He hasn't said much, only a few thank yous. "Soda took Darry to a doctor's appointment and Danni's at work," he says. "I didn't have much to do."

I notice how tall he's gotten and the pounds he's put on. The kid has always looked old for his age but now, it's about ten years more. He's even growing a few facial hairs around those baby lips of his.

"Darry's asked about you a few times," he tells me. "Really wants to see ya."

I'm sure he does.

"I hear Emily is still talking to Ronnie. Where did he end up anyway?"

I take a few fries and stuff them in my mouth before I answer. "Dunno. Little broad is more like a stalker than a kid in love. Would drive me crazy." He slurps on his drink. "How's Johnny?"

He shrugs, letting his head fall down. "How should I know? I don't really hang with him anymore."

I raise an eyebrow. Those two were joined at the hip like Steve and Sodapop. "Since when? Who do you _hang_ with now?"

"A while ago." He shrugs again. "Some guys I met at school this year. We're still friends. He's just got Sarah and he's stuck up her butt hole all the time now."

I munch on my burger, watching Pony's face go back to his drink. He's breaking eye-contact. "Who's your friends?"

"Some guys from school." Still no eyes.

I watch him, the way he stirs his drink with his straw as he looks into it. "How do you know 'em?"

"Track team," he says softly.

I notice the blue piece of fabric hanging out of his side pocket. There's a cross around his neck on a silver chain. "Track team? Really? What's their names?"

He looks up this time but his eyes still don't lock with mine. "Mitt and Simon."

I nod, going back to my food. "Uh-huh...You know a guy named Peter?"

"No. Why?"

"Nothin'," I say. "Hey, man, let's get outta here."

I throw a few coins on the table for a tip and walk over to my car, Pony following close behind me. "Where are we goin'?"

"Pick up Johnny."

* * *

Big Gale's cliff was just on the right side of town by the big bridge. It over looked the bay which was ten feet deep at parts and twenty at others. Big Gale was six stories high. It took ten seconds to reach the bottom.

Johnny shivers, using his arms to warm him up. "Jesus, Dal. It ain't even April yet."

I sit on the big rock and take my shoes off. "Yeah, so?"

Pony is in his boxers too, shivering. He's barely talked since we got Johnny. "W-Who's first?"

It's a tradition every year to jump off Big Gale and hit the freezing water below. We go just after winter is over just so we can say how tuff we were to be jumping into forty degree water. Steve, Soda, and Two-Bit usually were here too but I figured it wouldn't kill anyone to let the kids test it out first.

"Wow," Johnny says as he leans over the edge. "It's a long way down."

"What do you mean long way down?" I stand up and look down. "We've all done it a million times."

Pony finds his way between two rocks. All that running has been doing him some good. All his baby fat is gone around his stomach. He's even got some muscle lines starting to appear.

"You go first." I push Johnny out. "Go on you big pussy!"

He stumbles and backs away. "Why don't you, Dal? You're the one that can do all them flips."

"Hey, you know who was awesome on this rock? Darry. That guy would do back-flips off Big Gale."

Pony perks up a little remembering the times big Darrel would come down here with us to show off his muscles. "His record was five. He could do five before he hit the water."

"Show us how it's done, Johnny." I push him forward again, closer this time. "Don't be a wus, man!"

"Do you know how freakin' cold that is, Dal? It snowed just a few weeks ago!"

I roll my eyes. "I'm gonna push your ass. Get in there!"

Pony emerges from the corners as Johnny debates. He walks over to us and stands beside me. "Hey, Johnny."

Johnny looks up from the water and stares at him. "Yeah?"

"I kissed Sarah."

I give him one hard push and hurry over to the edge to watch as he falls down. He holds his nose and his feet hit it first, making a big splash. He comes up a few seconds later, staring up at us. He doesn't say a word, just floats there.

"Stupid kid," I tell Pony. "You're one stupid kid, man."

I push off the edge with my feet, getting as much power and speed as I can. I can feel myself in the air. It's almost as if you're flying. Not like a bird but a chicken that's just been pushed off the barn and is trying to save itself.

It feels free up here. That's why I like it. You feel like a jumper, that your life could end at any minute. Then you hit the water and it takes you a minute or two to realize what just happened and that you're alive. You didn't get lucky this time.

I flip in the air before landing in the sharp knifes of the water.

"Fuck!" I shoot up, freezing my balls off.

I look to Johnny who's looking up at Big Gale. I look too. Pony's nowhere in sight.

_And they can't touch me now. I got every sacrament behind me. I got baptism, I got penance. I got communion, I got extreme unction. Man, I've got confirmation. I was a Catholic boy. Redeemed through pain. And not through joy. And now I'm a Catholic man. I put my tongue to the rail whenever I can._

* * *

**A/N: **Any ideas what Pony may be getting into that Sylvia's talking about why Dally's worried? Hint: it's not Sarah.


	18. Stubborn That Kills

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the _Outsiders_ or the song "Lights".

* * *

_I had a way then losing it all on my own. I had a heart then but the queen has been overthrown. And I'm not sleeping now the dark is too hard to beat. And I'm not keeping now the strength I need to push me._

Date night in Tulsa always goes off without a hitch. The boy comes by your place, hair fixed, smelling like his father. If you're lucky, he'll bring flowers. He parks in front of the house and goes up to the door, prepared for the ragging he's about to get from brothers, parents, etc. Whoever's around really.

He rings the door bell and stands with his hands behind his back, anxiously, and nervously waiting on who may open the door. He hopes for a lady but knows all too well that he's not that fortunate.

The father, or male guardian is the one who's supposed to open the door. As females in this equation, we try everything in power to not let that happen but it does, just like clockwork. We race to the door, always getting beat.

We can see the nervous beads of sweat start to form as the dominant male sniffs at his pray. There's nothing we can really do about this, just stand by and hope we didn't spend hours on our hair for nothing.

If all goes as planned, the head male will invite the date inside. This is the interrogation part of the night. All sorts of questions are asked and they go by so fast that you can't even think of a good answer yourself.

"What time will you have her home? Where are you going? Nice car. How long have you had your license? Ever been arrested? In trouble with law at any time in your life?"

For me, I get off easy. Darry's in the bathroom, upchucking tonight's chicken with a top of blood, and Soda's taking his role.

I've never been in this spot before, sitting back and having someone check out my date for me. Even Soda looks uncomfortable with the role but it's a written rule. The older brother always has to ruffle a few feathers before we can leave.

If you're lucky, you eventually are set free with a warning to be home by curfew.

"Sodapop seems like a pretty boss guy," Peter says, opening to door for me to get in his truck. "Too bad I didn't get to see my future cousin-in-law."

I climb in and straighten my skirt up. "Be careful what you wish for. You lucked-out getting Soda. Darry wouldn't let us leave so soon. If we were lucky, we'd get to see the rolling credits."

It's a cliché I've never been in. I've read about it in books. The guy holding open doors, complementing my outfit, and buying my way in and my food. I myself never believed in the clichés. They happen. I've just never been in one before.

Peter parks in the second row of the lot. It's Friday night and it's one of the best spots you can get. I've never actually been to a drive-in in a car. I'm used to sitting in the back on hard chairs with my legs cramped.

"You hungry?" he asks, getting out his wallet.

"Starved."

I never noticed how many people come here on Friday nights with dates. It seems like every girl that's here has their hands locked with a boy. No girl is by herself. No hand is alone.

Neither is mine.

I think it's a power thing to hold a girl's hand in public. It always seemed like the man led, pulling the woman behind him like some sort of dog. Like us, as girls, had to walk behind our man and we belonged to them.

I would be lying if I said I never dreamed about a moment like this. Girls looking at me, a boy holding my hand as we cross the lot. It was supposed to be romantic and sweet though, my hand just feels sticky and hot and this is uncomfortable and unnatural for me so I drop my hand back to my side.

"You like butter?"

I watch as he collects the coins in his hand. "You don't have to buy mine. I've got enough money."

He laughs, getting out enough change anyway. "Danni, it's a date. The guy is supposed to pay. It's some sort of law or something. At least that's what my dad's always telling me."

I couldn't picture his father. Peter was the perfect frame work of his mother and sister. He doesn't talk about his father too much and I wonder what he's like. Is he like Peter, handsome, smart, a little bit of dark side mystery?

There's a lot I haven't figured out about Peter. Why he hangs around people like Dale for starters. He's the pretty boy in their group. The kind that always stands out in a photo as being misplaced. I never asked him about it.

"Butter ok?"

I nod, still watching him and his observing his features. He has a couple scars on his face. Like he was badly beaten. That's what they are. I've seen scars like them before.

There's a necklace around his neck too that I've seen before. Same chain, same cross.

Peter carries the drinks away as I grab the popcorn. We walk across the gravel, running into people and saying hello. Peter more and me. He seems to know everyone here.

Then, while Peter has his head turned to another guy, I see them. Four boys walk through the walk way. Their jeans are gripped, hair full of grease. They walk with a type of swagger only they can pull off. You can smell this smoke from their cigarettes and hear their laughter as they round the corner to the food stand.

That's when one catches my eye.

He leaves the group, probably making up some lie about having to use to bathroom or go talk to someone. I know he's headed my way and though my stomach tells me to turn and leave, my feet don't move.

I already know what's on his mind by the time he reaches me. "Hey."

"I'm gonna go take a leak," Peter whispers in my ear as he leaves me. He doesn't notice who stands in front of me. He doesn't even see them.

I simply nod and he's gone.

"You need to leave."

I keep my eyes on Peter, watching him until he gets inside. I turn around back around. "Why? I'm not bothering anyone, Steve. It's a public place. I'm _allowed_ to come here."

"No with him," he barks. "It'd be best for everyone if you just leave."

I look behind him at the three boys standing in a group, whistling and laughing like they are young teenagers again. It's a familiar picture. It's the same picture I saw over a year ago. It was a few months after my parents died. These three boys stood like this with my brothers, laughing and enjoying each other. It'd been over a year since I'd seen it.

"Does Soda know you're talking to me?" I ask, peering back around.

He scowls down at me. "No."

"I was here first you know," I inform him. "I can do what I want, Steve. I can go out in public with a guy if I want to. You can't control that. You're not my brother or father. I'm not leaving because you think it'll make someone _uncomfortable_."

"I'm_ telling_ you to leave," he says again. "I don't give a shit if I ain't your big brother. When the hell do you listen to them anyway? I'm telling you because I'm looking out for my friend. If you gave a shit at all you'd leave. Now."

I cross my arms over my chest. "I'm not looking to protect _his_ feelings. His feelings mean nothing to me. He's nineteen years old and can take care of himself. I'm seventeen. You can't tell me what to do Steve."

"I can." He crosses his arms, giving me a threatening look. One he's used to, and good at. "It'd be best for everyone if you take that kid and get the hell outta here unless you want a scene and believe me, I'll start one."

I don't know who he thinks is going to back him up. From what I see, I'm not even being noticed. "I'm not leaving."

"Who is that anyway?"

"His name's Peter," I say. "He's my _friend_. Can you back off? This doesn't even concern you."

His eyes turn colors when he's angry. The brown color turns dark, almost completely black. "Oh it does."

"Steve-"

"There a problem?" Peter returns, looking as chipper as he was when he left. He looks from me to Steve, me to Steve.

Steve stares him down the same way he did me. The side of his upper lip goes upward, like he's laughing at how pathetic I seem to him. He turns back to me, pushing me to be the one to speak.

He's waiting. Watching me. Trying to get me to take Peter and leave because his friend his here. His friend who left _me._ His friend who lied to me for months. His friend who was once in love with me. I had to protect_ his_ feelings.

I grab Peter by the collar of his shirt. I pull him down to me, our lips touching. My tongue pushes against his closed lips until it enter his mouth. I keep going, keep pushing until I feel like it's enough and I can face who stands behind me again.

Peter looks at me. Steve is still watching over us when we part. His eyes are judging and cruel. I only look at Peter as I take his hand and begin to lead. "Everything's fine."

"You're sure?" he asks.

I set my eyes on Steve, the way he observes every move I make. His eyes trying to drill into me. Into my center. "Yeah. Hey, how about we get out of here, huh? I've already seen this movie anyway."

* * *

Peter's truck bounces on the bumpy road. We've been driving for twenty minutes, going up and down the road. There aren't many places to go in town other than the drive-in. The only noise is his motor and the low volume Elvis on the radio.

We haven't spoken since we got in the car. I have my head against the cool window, watching the lines on the road as we pass them over and over again. I can feel him staring at me, wondering in his head what he did that made me want to leave and not speak to him. He's going over everything he said to me in the past hour.

"Was that him?"

"Who?"

"Dally."

I lift my head off the sticky window and look at him. He's watching the road, only one hand on the wheel. "No."

He only nods and turns the radio up a little more. I still watch him. His leg is nervously bouncing. His smile vanished a long time ago and hasn't returned. I notice the distance between us in the truck as opposed to what it was on the way there.

"Should I take you home?"

I flatten out the end of my skirt. I fold little pieces of the end fabric around the flowers. "No. I don't want to go home."

We keep driving. There's no talk of where we will go. There's no asking about what happened and why we had to leave. Peter just keeps driving down an empty road with one-headlight until we come to a stop.

"C'mon." He puts the truck in park and gets out, making the door squeak.

I do the same thing, slowly getting out and fixing my skirt. He doesn't say anything as we walk across wet, dewy grass. I don't know where we are and I wonder if he even does or if we are just walking. There is not talking on this walk though. Just angry stomping and heavy breathing.

The grass stops and I can see light. I can see the water of the pool.

"Peter..."

He's sitting on one of the lawn chairs, smoking. He's staring out into the cool, blue water, not speaking. He looks like Darry in this light. What he once looked like. So confused and angry. He looks old and mature.

I go and sit beside him and watch.

"You don't have to keep fixing your skirt," he finally says softly. "I know why you do it. You don't have to."

Bugs are making noise in the background. It's so quiet that I can hear the water move in the pool. The April night air is warm. It's the first warm night in months. Peter's no longer looking at me or anywhere near me. He's looking off into the distance, more interested in his cigarette than anything.

I feel the need to leave. To go back home and forget Peter. Forget the first kiss we shared and the last. Forget his name, forget what he looks like, forget the way I felt about him, the connection we so easily share. Go to school and ignore him, just like I do everyone else. Just become another face in the crowd as always.

But there's something in my head screaming at me - Look at yourself. Why are you so scared? Stop being paralyzed. Who gives a shit about Steve and what he says? Who gives a shit about what anyone says? Stop caring about what people think. Wear what you want. Go out when you want. Like who you want.

When are you going to realize you can finally do whatever the hell you want?

I stand up. He doesn't see me or look over.

I walk across the concrete and over to the water. I slip my shoes off and dip one toe in. Just one. The water is warm, just like the air. It's fresh and bug free. It's clean and neat.

I shimmy my skirt down my legs, then kick it to the side. I don't look behind me at Peter. I can still smell his smoke.

I lift my arms high and pull my shirt over my head, taking out the pins Kathy so nicely put in. I throw my shirt to my skirt and take out the pins that are left. I let my hair fall so it touches my bare back.

The first step in is the hardest. The cold water sends cold chills all over. Goose bumps start to appear on my arms and legs.

I close my eyes when I'm up to my waist.

_I felt the warmth of his lips as they filled my entire body. The single touch made me turn red all over. I was kissing Dallas Winston. The Dallas Winston._

_I opened my hand and looked at the metal jewelry that laid in it. My eyes nearly jumped out of their sockets. "A class ring?"_

_"Who is he?"_

_"He's my brother."_

_My face swelled up from the tears that didn't stop. I heaved for a breath. "I love you." My body shook again and mounds of tears ran down my face. "God, Dally, I love you."_

_He rose up, his eyes meeting mine again. His hand ran through my hair and he grabbed another fist full and held it. I shut my eyes and breathed out slowly. He let go and pressed his thumb against my lips. "God, Curtis...God."_

_"I love you, Curtis. Alright? I love you!"_

_"I killed that Soc kid, Curtis. I killed him_ dead."

_He grinds his teeth together, scowling at me and scowling hard. "I'd do anything for you and you knew that!"_

My head goes under and I stay there. I can't hear anything under here. Not the bugs, not Peter, nothing. I'm alone.

We all want to be someone different. We want to change the way we think. We change our hair, clothes, and bodies. Anything we can so that it doesn't remind us of the past. The problem is putting those Band-Aids on old wounds. Old wounds can't heal without a little change. And you can't change your outer shell until you change your inner self.

I can see Peter's body on the surface as he stands over the edge, watching me.

I slowly rise up to the top, meeting him.

"Are you fucking insane?" he screams it loud. "It's April. That water is like forty degrees! Get out of there before you catch something!"

"Get in."

His eyes almost shoot out of his head. "I repeat - are you fucking insane?"

"Please?" I softly beg. "It's not cold. Please get in, Peter. I promise."

He takes a minute to gawk at me before throwing his hands up in the air and walking over to where my clothes are. I swim over to him and lean on the edge as I watch him remove all his clothes but his white boxer shorts.

He yelps as his feet hit the water. He presses his lips together and bares the pain and gets deeper and deeper in until he's up to his waist. He shakes, holding himself tight.

"Go under," I say.

He shakes his whole body. "No way!"

It takes me a minute to reach him. I put my hand on his stomach, feeling how cold his body is. Our skins touch. Our body heat hits each other and it's warm for a minute. It's almost better.

He watches me. He watches as my head looks up at him and my lips just barely brush up against his and then go back with more force, more power. It warms our bodies. The shivers stop and we're warm.

"You shouldn't have let him do that," he says, breaking up the kiss. "You shouldn't care about what he thinks."

I run my hand down the small of his back. "What do you think of me?"

He sighs, then takes a deep breath. "I think you're real pretty." His hands touch my back, tickling me along my spin. "I think you're strong-willed and opinionated, which isn't a bad thing. I think you're smart and I like the way you read. You're not afraid of anyone or anything. I think you've been through hell and back. I think you're stronger than you act."

I can't touch the bottom of the pool. Peter has a hold of me, carrying me. "I'm sorry I ruined our date like I did. I just...it was best if we left. For the both of us."

"I think I like this better anyway." He kisses the top of my head, right at my hairline. "You deserve someone better than that. Someone who'll treat you better. You're beautiful Danni. You're curves, words, flaws thoughts. You're perfect."

"You don't know me," I whisper on his lips. "How do you know that I am?"

He spins me around the pool slowly and gently. "I've seen you and spoken to you. I can tell just by the way you talk, the way you act. I can tell by the way I kiss you. You're special."

His arms hold me. He hugs me. "You deserve someone better than me, you know. Someone who can give you everything because I don't know if I can. I don't know if I can care about you the way you care about me."

"I want you to," he breathes out. "Do you want to? Want to try?"

"I think I like you," I admit. "I think I can really like you, Peter."

His lips touch my neck. He breathes out slowly, tickling me. "I can help you. I can fix you. Give me a chance."

I laugh out a little. "There's a lot. I hope you're prepared for this battle."

"I think you might be worth it, Danni dear." He pulls me off his chest so I can see his eyes and he can see mine. "Don't think you're not. I can protect you, Danni. I care about you. I really do. I have since that day at the pier."

I kiss him softly. I want Peter. I want his offer. It's an old story line. A strong knight coming in on a white horse and saving the princess form the evil monster that has her captive. It's used time and time again as a common cliché.

It seemed to end well for the princess. Why not me? It's a change. Isn't that what this story is all about?

"I think I like you too," I say quietly. I run my hand down his smooth chest. His flawless chest. His scar-free chest. "I'm willing to make this work. I want to be with you. I want to be a couple. I want to be happy...with you."

He brushes my hair out of my face. His eyes glow as the water reflects off them. "Then be with me. Be my girl, Danni."

My mouth waters and I begin to sweat. I can't fight off the urge to grab him and kiss him. I want him to be rough with me and take control and force me to kiss him. I want his body on top of mine. I want him.

I kiss him, barely touching his lips. "You're in for battle, Peter. A hell of a battle."

He grins. "It's one I'm willing to fight."

* * *

It's ten-thirty. Peter has me home half an hour early. Soda is still out and Pony's passed out asleep on the couch along with Kat. They both had Darry duty tonight. It was a two man job these days.

"Darry..." I peel the door open to a crack. "Can I come in?"

He's cuddled up in his bed reading another book Pony let him borrow. Darry has finally realized why Pony likes that stuff so much. What with being bed bound, there aren't many options on how to spend your day. It's a different reality for him to be in for a little while. Be in someone else's life instead of the fucked-up one you're currently living through day by day.

"Sure. How was your little_ date_?"

I can tell by his tone he isn't too stoked to hear.

I crawl across his bed and lie beside him and rest my head on his chest like I used to do when I was a kid. "Good."

He smirks. "You know, cats do this same thing at hospitals around the sick. You haven't lied on me like this in years. Don't tell me it's because I'm sick because I swear I'll throw you off of here in a heart beat, kiddo."

"It's not." I sneer. "It's only because you smell nicer than you normally do."

"Ha. You gonna tell me about this guy or am I gonna have to send my spies out?"

All his spies were at the movies tonight. They were already two-steps ahead of him. "He's Kathy's cousin, you know. I met him at the beach. He's nice. He's really smart. He's in all honors classes at school."

He laughs a little at that. "That's a change."

"Going from a dropout to a boy wonder, huh?"

It's quiet for a little while. I can here Pony get up from the couch and go into the kitchen to get into the cookies Kathy made. Darry and I both listen to him and the bugs hitting the screen window.

"She doesn't have morning sickness, you know."

It's been only a few weeks since Kathy made her announcement. It's not mentioned. Kathy doesn't say anything, and Darry doesn't get many words in between barfs. Some days I think he knows and then, on others, I don't think he has a clue. It's like he's holding on to this as some sort of hope and motivation. This baby that's not real.

"You think I'll make a good dad?"

I nod, playing along with this game Kathy has started for us. "Yeah. You got enough practice in with us over the years. I think you'll be a great dad, Dar. You and Kat will make good parents."

"She reminds me of Mom," he says quietly. "She's so calm through this whole mess full of shit. When she's not working double shifts, she's right here with me on the bathroom floor. I don't know why she puts up with me."

I snuggle into his chest. "You can't lose her again. I don't think I have enough energy to go back to Florida and get her. I sure don't have the patience for it."

He laughs, making his chest rise up and then back down. He pauses in-between to cough. "I'll try not to."

"You really love her?" I ask. "She's about the only girl you've ever dated."

He shrugs, leaning up and getting a sip of water to clear his throat. "I had some girls I went out with. Just nothing serious. I didn't need to date anymore. I guess I knew in High School I loved her. Didn't really realize it until she came back."

"But how did you know?" I ask. "You never got to compare her to anyone else."

"I just knew, Dan," he says. "Sometimes you just know... Do you like this Peter guy?"

I nod slightly. "I think I do."

"Good," he says, emphasizing it. "'Least this one won't keep me awake at night wonderin' what shit he'll pull next."

"He wasn't that bad to me," I tell him. "Why did you hate him so much?"

He shakes his head. "He made you cry a lot. You may not remember all the times like I do, but he did. You're my kid sister. It's my job to kill who ever does that to you. It just pissed me off."

"Am I the reason you guys aren't friends anymore?"

He shakes his head again as he drowns his water down. "We're still friends, I guess. I'd take a bullet for the stupid kid, but he needs to grow up. He's not just some teenager with a record anymore. He ain't goin' anywhere and that's what bothers me. Just some guy running through life until one day, life takes him out. I didn't think he'd make it this long. Guess you're the reason for that though."

It's a thought I'd had myself. I couldn't say there were nights where I didn't lie asleep just hoping and praying I didn't get a phone call the next morning saying he was shot or stabbed. There were a lot of sleepless nights.

"You seem happy." He strokes the top of my hair. "Are you?"

"Yeah," I admit. "I'm a lot better... Are you?"

"I'm tired."

I get up off his chest and sit on the bed. Darry doesn't look the same anymore. He looks older. He no longer has a crisp tan. He's pale and thin and tired looking. We don't look at Darry too much. It's just a daily reminder of worry and stress of something none of us can control or prevent. This is Darry's battle, not ours. We can't fight it for him.

He has his eyes shut, calmly breathing. "Dar?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you ever gonna marry Kathy?"

His lips curl and he smirks with closed eyes. "Go to sleep, Danni." I smile, already knowing the answer. I slip down off the bed and go to the door. "Dan, can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Why is your hair soaking wet?"

_You show the lights that stop me turn to stone. You shine It when I'm alone. And so I tell myself that I'll be strong. And dreaming when they're gone. 'Cause they're calling, calling, calling me home. Calling, calling, calling home. You show the lights that stop me turn to stone. You shine It when I'm alone._

* * *

**A/N: **Thank you for reading. Please review! :)


	19. Blue Moon

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the_ Outsiders_ or the song "Set to Fail".

_Warning: _Drug use.

**A/N: **Anyone remember Dale? There's a poll on my profile. If you would please answer, it'd help me out a lot!

* * *

_A needless hippie repairing your despair. You take great measure to appear like you don't care. The decision and persuasion must deceit thee properly. You lost it before you began._

There are some nights when I just need to let the Oklahoma air run through my whole body. Nights where I need to do nothing but sit and think. I'd spent many of nights on roof tops like this, coming up with plans and strategies and lies I'll tell the next day. It's all for the greater good. No, fuck the greater good. It's all good for _me_.

I like it up here. My back against the shackles that is damp from the rain. There's a cool breeze that runs across my whole body, especially my crotch. I feel incredibly powerful laying naked on a rooftop with stars above my head while the cars down on the street are dodging animals and other cars, blowing their horns at every little thing.

I'm not thinking of anything while I'm tugging. At least, not all the sex fantasies I have lined up in my brain that I normally jack off to. I could think about Sylvia's crotch while I do it or the _Playboy _I found under Rick's bed last night, but I prefer it this way. It's just me, my naked self and the stars overhead and it's peaceful for a little while. I can clear my head for a few seconds.

I stay still so I'm only hearing my breathing. The sun will be coming up in a few hours and Rick will be banging on my door, hassling me to get up and go to my community service and I'll complain, telling him I'm sick and not going but I'll end up there just like I do every other day. I ask myself why every time and can never come up with an answer.

"How was the movie?"

Rick is up the next morning, reading the paper and drinking his black coffee.

I rub my eyes and try to see straight as I pour my cereal into a bowl and add the milk that expired yesterday. "Monkeys, man. Fucking monkeys."

He's got a lit cigarette in his hand to start off his morning. Those things and coffee are what keep him going. "You see any cute broads?"

"It's Tulsa," I say, taking my bowl over and munching down as I sit. "One or two, you know. Not that there weren't any all over me myself."

He snorts. "Yeah, I'm sure you have to beat them away with a stick."

I wash the Corn Flakes down with coffee and read the back side of Rick's newspaper.

**Parents of Murder Victim Speak Out:**

_The parents of Sam Crisp are speaking out four months after the trial. "We still feel unsettled," says Mrs. Crisp, "as if something's missing. We know what the court said happened but we can't believe it. It doesn't set right in my stomach as a mother. Now that hood is out on the streets again and God knows what he may do or whom he may hurt next. Our justice system is supposed to protect us and bring justice. That's not the case here. It's what keeps me awake, sobbing at night."_

I stop reading and let my spoon fall against the hard glass bowl. I'm no longer hungry.

"I stopped by that roofing place downtown." Rick turns a page in his paper and keeps on talking and smoking like he hasn't read the back page when I know he has. "Darrel got laid off."

I lean back in my chair so the front two legs are up in the air. "Can't do much roofing when you're throwing up in the shitter all day."

"I saw her." He eyes me from over the top of the paper. "You're little _girlfriend_."

I smirk, shaking my head. "Man, you're gonna have to be more specific than that."

"Yeah." He rolls his eyes. "There's shit loads, I know...Danni."

I rock back and forth in my chair and think about last night. I remember Steve leaving and Soda having a cow when he came back. They whispered in the corner so I wouldn't hear. They threw me off on Two-Bit who'd thrown back a dime or dozen at the time and couldn't count to ten let alone watch me.

I saw her from behind. I could point out her ass anywhere. That wasn't a problem. That wasn't _the_ problem.

I'd seen the guy she was with. The back of his head anyway. My pink finger is about the size of his legs. I could have run after them, stopped and introduced myself and given her a hard time. Ruffle her feathers a little and embarrass her, make her turn red all over like she does. But I didn't. Didn't care. Pea bodies and baby faces don't rattle me. The truth of the matter…..I didn't give two shits.

"What about it?" I finally ask when it doesn't appear that he has anything left to say.

He shrugs and folds his newspaper up and sips on his coffee. "Nothing. Just cute is all."

I let my chair fall back and touch the ground. I sit and play guns and robbers with the left over flakes and pretend like I didn't notice what page of the paper Rick left open.

He eventually gets up, rolling up and taking his paper with him. "Eh, don't see what she'd want in you anyway." He hits me on top of the head with the roll. "We got work. Get dressed."

* * *

The work Rick gave me is the basics. Changing oil, rotating tires. Sodapop would be better at this crap than me. Truth be known, he's the one who taught me how to fix a piece of junk car. He's the reason my Bessie didn't have a scratch on her the night of the crash. All that time hanging around the DX finally paid off.

"Dallas," my name is called. It's a ringing that's left in my ears. His voice is always detectable in a crowd. I'd heard it many times, it rings in my ears for hours.

I turn around, finding myself face to face with dark brown eyes and a wicked grin. "Dale."

"I didn't seem to get the memo that you were out," he says, rubbing his chin. "Hmm. Been roaming the streets this whole time under my nose?"

"I've been around," I admit, standing my ground and putting my hands in my pockets.

He doesn't stop staring at me as he smokes. It's like he's studying every part of me, making sure everything is in check and isn't out of the ordinary. Anything for him to report back on.

With him are Doogie and Mega. Behind them, standing on her good leg, is their broad. Broad for the month I should say. She's a trusty follow. Always loyal and obedient. Dale's only had to set her straight a few times before she got house trained.

"What do you want?" I ask.

Dale grins. "You know, I never got to personally thank you before you got hauled off. Killing pretty boy off this story wasn't an easy job, I know. You did it right though. I knew you could. You always were one of the best."

"I didn't do it for you," I growl. "You don't tell me what to do, Dale."

Dale thinks because he's in a small town, and has a few follows, he's a big dog. I blame Maggot for most of it. I warned him about giving this guy the big head. He thinks he owns me and this whole town. He likes to play this game with me. He always has to be the super-villain, whereas, I'm the sidekick. I'm no one's sidekick in any life time.

Dale snickers and looks behind him at his goons and they do the same. "Whose side you on here, Dallas?"

I bite down on my tooth pick until the end breaks off. "Don't push it, Dale."

"No," he eggs on, getting closer to my face. He removes his cigarette from his mouth and scowls at me. "Go ahead, say it Dallas. Whose side are you on because right now, I'm not too sure?"

I look behind him and laugh. They look like characters alright. You wouldn't think twice of them if you saw them in an empty alleyway at nightfall. Not even my granny, rest her soul, would run in the other direction at the sight.

"Say it!" Dale yells.

Mega smirks and repeats the same action, "Yeah, Winston, say it!"

I like Mega. Guy had a bean for a brain and a dad but he was an alright guy. He had a way of scoring things you needed. Rope, gas, lighter fluid, booze. He'd go off and in about ten minutes, he'd returned as promised with a handful of goodies.

"Why you here, sugar?" I ask, looking her over from the crotch up. "The curbside run out of business?"

Her lips curl up. "There's always business. There are always pathetic bastards like you who need their needs filled on a regular basis."

"I asked you a question!"

I slowly rotate my head back over to Dale who's having a hissy fit in the middle of the sidewalk. It's always been one of my favorite past times to pick at him just enough that he almost blows. I'd only known him for a few months but I know how to work my magic well.

"Mag's." I smile and cross my arms.

He stands straight up now that his fit's over and he's cool again. "How's the baby bro?"

"Fine."

"You know, I miss the champ." He walks over to me and lights a cigarette in my face. "Cute kid. Got the looks out of the family for sure. What ever happened to him? He left so suddenly."

I prop my heel against the light post and lean. "None of your damn business. It's done. What do you want anyway? I got work."

"Oh! Dallas is working?" He opens his mouth to form an 'o'. "My, my, my. Isn't that a sight?"

"Shove it up your ass."

He snickers along with Doogie. Doogie's the one that steps forward. "We got a way you can make better cash than working at a shitty garage. Tons of cash! You just gotta do one little favor for us."

I focus my attention on Dale. "What?"

I only get a sly smile as my answer.

* * *

The CVS on West has been there for ten years. I'd gone in there plenty of times. Sometimes to get chips that tasted like onions. Some days it was sodas and some oil. Maybe I got a candy bar or two. I never did anything out of the ordinary.

I'm the first to enter. Dale switched the rules back up on me so I'm the one who has to do the hard lifting stuff. It's what I'm used to - my old gig. The bell above the door rings and no one even notices me. No one looks up from their excruciating shopping to take a gander. They don't even hear the noise. Not even the clerk.

Doogie comes in next. The bell rings again and like it was with me, no one looks up.

He rounds the corner of the chip aisle and goes over to the freezer in the back to check out the latest additions of beer.

Mega follows his lead. He goes to the comic book rack, picking up a Batman and leaning against the glass window that reads - **Special on eggs all month long!**

Carmen's the key in this plan. She's the last to enter. She doesn't set her eyes on any of us. She goes over to the candy rack and starts looking over the items. I wait by the milk, standing off to the side so I'm unseen. It's like I'm not even here. That's what they'll all say at least.

I watch her, looking for the little flick of her fingers that tell me to go and make my move. This move Dale has arranged and conned me into doing. I still don't understand why I'm standing here. Maybe I want something too.

There's the flick. I'm supposed to move now according to Dale. Sucks for Dale, I do things my own way. Always have.

Carmen falls to the ground with a hard plunk. Everyone turns and looks now. They notice the brunette that strolled in just two minutes ago with a cloth purse. The girl who stood too long in front of the candy to seem normal.

The women are the first to crowd around her. It's always the women. Mega goes on, doing his thing with the comic. Doogie runs over to the broad and cups her head as she seizes out so she won't bang her head. He then calls for help.

He notices me. He scowls and motions for me to make my move. He hisses at me like a cat and waves his hand.

I sneer. If these little old ladies with pink hats only knew the two chumps on the ground fuck for a living and deal out drugs, they'd let them both die. But they aren't the fucked up juvenile kids here. No, they're sophisticated and good enough for help.

I stroll over to the back counter once the clerk falls to the ground to try and help Doogie hold the girl down. I take my time while I'm walking. Maybe I'll get caught. I'm not sure whether I care or not.

No one really has time to check out each bottle you're grabbing. One my good days, I could get out ten of the finest pain relievers in the country in two minutes. It was my best record - unbeatable. It may be time to show Dale just how good I still am. I guess that's why I'm doing this - to show Dale who Dallas Winston is.

The little blue pills are Maggot's favorites. As they fill up in the palm of my hand, I remember the days when I had a legend by my side instead of a cock sucker with a gun and a big head full of power.

I stuff the pills into my jacket pocket and open another box. I listen for the footsteps that tell me to get the hell out.

The clerk gets up off the ground to come dial an ambulance. That's when Mega steps in and does whatever he can to buy me a little extra time. He's got the right job in this business. He's the only one who knows what he's doing.

I close the cabinet up and crawl over to the back door that's dead bolted. I wait until the cost is clear before quietly unlocking it and walking out into the streets like nothing happened. I'm just another pedestrian in a world full of faces no one takes two seconds to stare at. Just another pair of eyes that is unread.

"Get in!" Dale's the getaway driver. He likes his title. It makes him feel like he's actually doing something.

I climb into the back seat and grab the pills from my pocket. Dale looks over the passenger seat to count just how many are in my hand so I don't cheap him out of some drugs.

"How'd we do?"

Top line. The favorites of the wash outs and drop outs. "Where are the other chumps?"

Carmen swings the door open and jumps in next to me. Doogie and Mega run into the front two seats as Dale pulls out and goes on, going precisely the speed limit.

Carmen examines what's in my hand. I pass all of them over to her so she can admire my work. I don't do it for the pills anyway. Maybe she'll even sneak some for herself and Dale will be out of a high for a while.

"Goddamn, Winston." She smiles wide at the treats. "Blues! Fucking blues, Dale!"

Dale hides his enthusiasm from the rest of us. He doesn't show his pride.

Carmen runs her hand down the top of my thigh. She pushes it close to my crotch. "Thank you."

* * *

Rick's probably noticed I'm gone by now and I'm sure he'll rip me a new one and cut my pay. That wasn't on top of my worries. Nothing was at this point as I sit back and watch Dale count out his loot.

I get up and go to the bathroom of the shitty rat house we're in. It's one of Maggot's old hide outs that Dale crashes in or runs out of. I didn't care too much to ask which. I just know this isn't the first time I've been inside of here.

I lean over the sink and splash some water on my face. My beer Dale had given me as my reward is melting and the droplets of water are making a puddle around the edge of the sink.

"Dallas." Carmen shuts the door behind her softly. She comes and stands behind me so I can see her in the mirror. She begins to rub my shoulders and breathes onto the side of my neck. "I like the new, no-shave look."

I rub my face and try to think of what Dale might have in the freezer that can give me more than a buzz. I'm not sure if I can get drunk anymore.

"You look so much older," she says, dragging out each word. "It's been a while. You're owner let you off your leash finally? Or did you break her _little_ heart?"

I push her off with my shoulder blade. "Get off."

"C'mon," she says, crossing her arms over her chest. She lets out a smirk. "I'm just playing. C'mon, Dal. You're so warm from the run. Cool off. Take me on the bed and make love to me."

I sneer as I wash my face off again. She can call it that all she wants. No one's ever made love to her. There's no such thing. It's just a word broads use to make it sound classier so they won't feel so bad the next morning when they wake up. Nah, a good hard fucking is more like the term it's really called.

I turn around and lean against the sink. I stare at her pretty big blue eyes that shine against the dim light. I smirk at her and continue to stand in my spot.

She walks over to me, a sneaky little grin on her face. One like Sylvia has only Carmen is far from crazy. She's got the highest IQ of anyone in this shit hole besides me.

She grabs the back of my neck once she's close. She stares into me before she decides to do anything. Like this is some shitty ass romance novel and we're madly in love and she just wants to look deep into my soul.

She softly kisses me. She doesn't take control because she wants me to. I wrap my arm around her waist and jerk her close. I push my lips against hers and let my tongue go into her mouth.

It gets rougher and she's letting out quiet moans of pleasure. She clenches the skin of my back and pulls hard against my shirt. I slip my hand under hers and run it across her stomach and navel.

I pick her up so she's straddling me. I slam her against the nearest wall I can find and she lets out a loud yelp but it's only for a second. She likes it rough and hard. I can tell by the way she shakes that she's enjoying this more than she ever thought.

I can feel the hook of her bra and I play with it. I snap it over and over against her bare skin. I tease with it until my hand goes underneath the bra itself. I rub my hand against her breast, her harp nipples. I squeeze tightly, hurting her and getting her to moan and groan louder.

"Take me," she breathes out. I change positions and bite her neck. "Take me now! Take your pants off. I'll rub and suck you 'till you're sore."

She grabs my balls and holds them in place.

"Dally! Get in 'ere!"

I stop and rest my chin on her shoulder. She loosens her grip and stands still as I drop her to the ground.

"Rain check, sweets."

She's pissed when I leave, slamming the door and leaving her in there unsatisfied.

The first time I did heavy drugs was with Dale. We went down to his rat infested basement with a bunch of other characters. I was only going to sniff a bag but Dale says, "If you're gonna sniff, you might as well pop it and if you're gonna pop it, you might as well main line."

I hate needles. I always have ever since I was a kid and had to be held down by five nurses while they shot ten times into my leg.

As I watch Dale lather up his arm and get out the stick, I cringe. I look away as he sticks himself and then moans with pleasure as the drugs go shooting through his veins. He makes a fist and then slowly releases. He does this motion over and over again until he's satisfied.

Doogie elbows me, passing along the drugs. "Ay, Winston. You ready, pussy?"

I snatch it from his tiny little hands and wait for a new needle. I knew better than to use Dale's. He's had some kind of disease ever since he was eight when his daddy tried him out.

I wrap the belt around my forearm and get it as tight as I can and wait for a blue vein to pop out at me. Once I see it, I stab the metal point in and press, releasing the drugs into my body.

Dale nods in agreement. He doesn't even know he's smiling so big. He slaps a bill in my hand - my pay. He leans back in his arm chair and gazes up at the ceiling. "Nice Winston. Real nice."

_So go and weave your tale of woe convincing yourself it's all. You're so set to fail. Somewhere you finally lost your way. Only yourself left to betray. Only yourself left to betray. So go and weave your tale of woe convincing yourself it's all._


	20. Peaches and Cream Delight

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the_ Outsiders_ or the song "Jar of Hearts".

**A/N: **This song fits well and it's one of my favorites. Please read the lyrics.

* * *

_No, I can't take one more step towards you. 'Cause all that's waiting is regret. Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore? You lost the love I loved the most. I learned to live half alive. And now you want me one more time._

Two weeks have gone by. Two weeks of school, Peter, and Darry's vomit. Every day of those two weeks, I'd spent them with Peter. He had sat on the bathroom floor with me, waiting for Darry's stomach to settle. He had taken me to the park to clear my head. He brought us dinner when no one was in any mood to cook.

Peter had been there. He'd been by my side every day for two weeks. I'd expect to be annoyed. Get tired of him eventually if anything. That was far from the case. In those two weeks, I'd gotten to know Peter. I'd gotten closer to him than I ever thought. He'd shown things to me.

Being Peter around made me forget things. When I'm with him, I laugh. I forget about everything in the world. It brings back old memories of feelings I used to feel - happiness. A feeling of a cool summer breeze coming in. The butterflies that gather up in my stomach every time I saw him. The smile I now where when his name is mentioned in a conversation.

It's new love, and it's all in the air.

I'd met his friends, and his parents. He introduced me as his girlfriend. He kissed me on my neck, showing them that we were real and he was proud to have me stand beside him.

Peter made me feel good about myself. That was a feeling I don't know if I ever had. It's one I enjoy most.

"He's pretty good lookin'." Jennie leans against the counter, blowing a bubble from her gum and letting it pop on her face. "I like him. You two look alike. You're cute together. He seems like a good guy."

Dingo's is slow today, as it has been for the past few months. It's just Jennie and I working. "Darry's in love with him. Every time he's over all they talk about is football and poker."

"He's plays?"

"He's a linemen or something like that."

She nods, flipping the page in her _Cosmopolitan_. The magazine cover is hidden by the _Times_ cover that currently holds the _Cosmopolitan_. It's Jennie's favorite magazine. It's funny to see her read it. This is the same girl who if afraid to have sex with her boyfriend. There's a whole different reason for that though.

"Sodapop likes him I think," she says. "Him and Dal have been hangin' out a lot lately though. It's weird."

"How?"

She shrugs, flipping another page. "They got kinda distant for a long time. It'd be weird for me to be best friends with my sister's ex. I dunno. I guess it's just me. I mean the way he treated you..."

"They were friends before we dated," I point out. "I don't care. It doesn't bother me at all really."

She smacks her gum and grins. "'Cause you got a _man_."

I wink, going by her to take drinks to table six. "I do."

The bell above the door rings. I don't turn around but there's something that I hear that makes me lean up. A sound I'm very used to hear, or once was. A smirk. A signature smirk that only one person could pull off.

I can hear Jennie's gum from here. She's chewing it harder. I can't see her but I know she's glaring at him, no longer interesting in her magazine because this is just as good as it can ever get in there.

I only see the back of his head as I go behind the counter. I wipe my hands off on my apron and grab a pen.

"Let me take them."

"It's my table." I pull my hair back into a bun. Peter got me into straightening my hair. It's slick and slippery in the bun. "I don't care. I got it...Cover for me though."

Jennie eyes them. "You sure? Those guys he's with look like real asses."

"I don't know them," I say, examining the crowd. Two boys and a girl. A girl who's sitting beside Dally in the booth and fixing her top so at least you won't see her nipples. "At least I get the pleasure of doing whatever I feel like to their food."

Jennie snickers. "I got this."

I grab the pen that's behind my ear and make my way over to the red table with blue leather seats. I keep my eyes on my shoes and the scuff marks on the toes. This is the easiest way to do it. No eye-contact. Just act like it's just another normal day and they're just another table. I've waited on hundreds of tables. This one is no different.

I sigh. Once I reach the table I stare into my note pad and barely tap the point of it on the paper. "Can I get you something to drink?"

They all look to each other, all sneering and smirking. They hide their grins with their hands as if they need to. It's only to show off the point that they _are_ laughing.

"Sodas all around, ma'am!"

I scribe the order down on my pad and turn on my heel feeling a bit relieved. Once I'm completely turned though, I can feel sugar packets pelting me from behind and I pause. Jennie rises up from the counter as she sees it too. She blows another bubble and waits until I reach her before she can attack.

I ignore the laughs I can clearly hear as I fill up each cup slowly. I pretend like I don't hear the whispers that are being shared behind me. "What are they, like five?"

I fill up the last cup and place it on a tray, watching the bubbles go away. "Apparently."

She leaves to go wait on the next table that came in. She's not longer watching as I take a deep breath and go back over to Dally's table, trying to keep my feet straight and planted. The less I struggle, the better off this will all be.

_It's just Dally. The same Dally you've known since you were eight. He's nothing to you._

"Cute uniform," it's the girl who says it. I can feel her eyes on me as I hand out each drink. They center just above my chest. They rest there, not looking to move. "I like the pink."

I sit the last cup down in front of her. I get a chance to really look at her as our eyes come into contact. It's a pause I take to really take in the effect of her. The smile she's wearing as she watches me rise up. Her eyes are dark yet they glow. Her hair is a dark shade of brown and it's slick and smooth. Not one strand is frizzed. It's perfect just like her body – her chest.

"Thanks." I stand up straight, still observing her and trying to pin-point an occasion where I've seen her before. She's from here. She's made that obvious...along with her hand perched on Dally's thigh. "You ready to order?"

The guys are the ones who look at me now. I only notice this because I don't fix my eyes on my right where Dally and his new girl sit. I can feel him staring at me, from front and behind. I pretend like I don't notice the glares or the way he looks at his friends after he's sneaked a peek at me from behind.

"Are you ready or not?"

"Hey, Curtis."

Another set of laughs. I let my shoulders slouch as I hastily turn to look. He stares up at me, his icy eyes turned lighter because of the lights. He's smirking, like he has been since he got here. He doesn't bother looking at my eyes for long. He's too busy trying to impress his new friends for that.

"_Dallas_," I say quietly. "Are you ready or not?"

He leans back in the booth, crossing his arms over his chest. "Is that any way to talk to paying customers?"

More sneaky snickers. I glance at each of them but find my eyes back to Dally. "Shut up and just tell me."

The three of them make an o with their mouths as they turn their laughter over to Dally who is still sitting as calm and cool as a cucumber. He's not even bothered because he knows I can do worse and he knows I know he can play this too. He knows he's better at it and so do I. He's came prepared for this though.

Let the games begin.

"My, my. I'm greatly offended by such language."

I put my weight on one leg, prepared to stay for a little longer. "Cut the shit and just tell me what you want, Dallas. I wouldn't piss me off too much seeing as how I'm going to be handling your food and all."

He raises an eyebrow - just one that's cocked up. "Is that a threat?"

"Maybe," I say, putting my hands on my hips. "You're the one who'd know what that is though, right?"

He sneers a little, looking from side to side. He leans forward. "C'mon, Curtis. Why don't you just share with the class how you really feel? You're the one who's in touch with your feelings, correct?"

The girl passes out cigarettes to all of them. Dally dangles his between his fingers while it smokes and he waits.

"Can I take your order?"

"I'll take you." The guy beside the window stares at me, looking up and down just the way Dally did. He smokes from his stick and admires me from below and stops in the middle of my chest. He nods.

He's darker than the rest of them, more of Johnny's shade yet his eyelashes are as white as day. They match his bleached hair. His eyes are blue and pale and his black pupils are ten times larger than they should be. He's heavy set with a double chin. He's not beautiful by any means but he carries himself well. There's something more to him than pretty can withhold.

The other guy he's with is better looking - more like the model out of the group. He doesn't score above Dally though or he'd have that girl on his side of the booth. He's skinnier than the other guy who's eyeing me. He's got a scar just above his eyebrow that's pretty fresh. His teeth are gaped and stained with a yellow tent.

I roll my eyes, looking towards Dally who shrugs. "Told him I'd give 'im a good deal."

"A good deal?"

The girl breathes out a cloud of smoke before she speaks. She taps her overgrown nails on the table top with the beat of the song that's playing in the background. "He's talking about sex, dear. It's a joke. Like a prostitute?"

"I know what he meant," I growl. I turn my attention back to Dally. "You're a real ass."

The model snorts. "A real ass with a pinch of coke in his pocket thanks to Mega here. We've got a room across the street. Real classy. Dal here tells us you like it that way. Kinda a leave and go sorta thing. Mega's got it all set up for ya."

I can feel my face turn hot with either anger or embarrassment. I'm not sure which but they've all noticed it none the less.

"Look at her," the girl says, her perfect pointed teeth flashing. "She's so _red_. Can you not take a joke, honey?"

"I can take a joke," I tell her, slowing my breathing down a little so they can't hear it. "Can I just get ya'll order already?"

Dally hasn't stop staring at me. I don't know what he's looking at. My face, the way I get angry. He's trying to get his satisfaction by making me squirm. He knows how to play this. As I've said before, he's a pro. It's the point of him coming here. He wants to play; he wants to show off his friends and his new beautiful prize.

I, myself, can't even stop staring at her beauty. She's not like me and she's not like Sylvia.

"Aye, what's eatin' ya, Curtis? We just came to make conversation is all," he says. "Maybe you could be a little nicer, seeing as how we're payin' customers and all?"

I huff. "Please order something so I can get this over with. I got better things to do than play with you losers."

"You were right, Dallas," the brunette says, propping her feet up on the other side of the booth. "She is a bitch."

I narrow my eyes at her. I've never seen her before but I've seen her type. I've been friends with her type. I know just the kind of girl she is - or wants to be, I should say. "I take it you're the new chew toy?"

"You better control your girl, Dallas before she says something she may regret."

"I'm not his girl."

The guy closest to me, the model, is the one to make himself known. "I'm hungry." His hand sits on my hip bone, slowly inching down. I stare at it and watch it slowly move. "Why don't you go make me a sandwich, sugar?" He squeezes my cheeks tightly with his grimy little hands.

The coke from the cup runs down the table. It lands on his pants near his crotch area. I take a step back as he jumps up from the booth and gasps. He stares down at the big stain on his jeans and gapes at the site.

"You fucking bitch!"

"Don't touch me."

"Danni!"

I didn't see her behind the counter watching the whole scene. I can feel the wind as she rushes by me with a dry rag. She immediately gets down and starts to wipe up the mess and helps the guy clean himself off.

My knees start to sweat as I wait for her to come back up. Everyone in the diner is watching now. The group is mainly hiding their heads from this attention that's unwanted. The girl is laughing at everything though. She's elbowing Dally and they are whispering. Their heads are side by side, their lips are almost touching.

"I am so sorry!" I say, trying to get down at help.

Mrs. Adderson stands up, eyeing me. She pushes me away. "Go to the back."

"But-"

"Now!"

There's no time to answer. All these faces are watching and there's no need for arguing. I do as I'm told, passing by Jennie and slamming into the kitchen to wait. I sit on the counter top and cover my face with my hands.

"I think you should take the rest of the day off." Mrs. Adderson enters, not skipping a beat. "You need to cool down."

I put my hands in my lap. She's fuming mad and there doesn't look like there's any room for arguing. "No. Please I really need the money. It won't happen again I swear! Take the meal out of my pay. Anything!"

"Go, Danni," she says sternly, pointing towards the door. "Jennie will cover for you."

I slip off the counter top slowly. I undo the back bow of my apron and lay it down. She doesn't say anything to me as I exit the kitchen and venture out into the main dining area where all eyes sit on me until I'm out the door.

I let the door fall back, only to have it caught by someone else who chases after me.

"Stay away from me! I mean it!"

A sudden window shakes me. Arms grab my shoulders and push me into the alleyway. The more I struggle, the more useless I feel. My kicks and punches do nothing. I don't know why I ever expected them to. I know who stands in front of me - the man who isn't moved.

His eyes are dark as I stop my struggle and surrender to him. He uses one hand to hold me in place against the wall. Neither of us says anything. We only stare.

"Are you happy?" I ask. "I just lost my pay for the rest of the day because of you! Do you know how badly I need that money? Darry doesn't work anymore and the doctor bill doesn't cut it on Soda's pay! I need the money!"

He rolls his eyes. "Oh don't give me a fucking guilt trip. That wasn't my fault! Don't blame that shit on me!"

"Nothing is ever your fault, is it?" I scream. "I probably just lost my job! Do you even realize that?"

"I didn't fucking do it!" he shouts directly in my face. He points in my face. "That was all you, sweets. You screwed that up yourself. I didn't do shit and you know it."

"You're disgusting!" I shout. "You don't foul me Dally. I know you! Just because you show up and out number me you think you can bully me into feeling whatever you want me to feel! Leave me alone already!"

He gets closer to me. I can smell the cheap bathroom cologne he's lathered onto his neck. "I thought you'd want to meet some of my friends since I've met yours...one of them anyway."

"You're pathetic!" I yell once he parts. "You think you can still control me and everything I do! You can't any more Dally! I'm not that stupid anymore and I don't listen to you! Look at you! You think you're such a big shot! A big bad man because you killed someone. How in your own self-diluted mind can you ever call yourself a man?"

I see his fist coming next. It's the first one. He takes a strong step forward with his already balled up fist. He charges towards me, making me take cover up against the cold, hard brick wall.

I breathe easily out of my nose. My hands are still covering my head as he swears and backs away.

Haven't we been in this position before?

He bangs his fist against the drain pipe and then kicks it a few times before I uncover myself and stand straight up. He throws his tantrum in the middle of the alleyway, knocking over trashcans and hitting anything that can't hit back.

I feel my chest go up and down as I breathe and watch. It's a sad site to see. Pathetic would be a better word but I've already used that one on him. He's given up now and is barreled over a trash can, breathing heavily.

"Why not me?" I ask softly once I've regained my breath. "Why didn't you kill me?"

He breathes in and out, still not able to quite catch it. "I don't know what the hell you're talking about."

"Jason Riddle," I say. "That's what this is all about, right? He's the reason. You knew him or someone did. That's when you found out about Sam killing him and me and Randy and the twins. That's why you took out Sam, right?"

There's a pause between his heavy breathing where he begins to laugh. He pops his back as he stands up. He wipes the spit and sweat from his mouth and looks upon me. "What do_ you_ know?"

"How else would you have known what we did? The pieces seem to fit. There's one thing that I always found funny. Michael was perfectly fine the night before he died at the hospital. He was in perfect health actually."

Dally raises up an eyebrow like before. "Once again, we got it all figured out? I was in jail the night asswipe kicked the bucket, remember? Get your shit right before you start accusing me."

"I'm not saying you did it," I say quickly before he can blow me off. "Who are your new friends?"

He holds a hand up, stopping me. He takes a minute to smirk before telling me, "Save it."

"There's something that connects to that. Randy always told me it all connects and I didn't believe him. Just tell me how you know what we did. Tell me the two have nothing to do with each other then, Dally."

"I don't have to tell you shit," he says lowly. "You are playing a dangerous game with that little thought, Curtis. I will tell you something though since you've worked your little brain to death - did you ever wonder how Ronnie plays into this thing? Why his car was smashed too and why he showed up?"

I've thought of it before. Ronnie appeared out of the blue. Ronnie was with Dally when Sam and Martin died and when we found Emily with him, his car was torn to pieces. But it was Dally's car that hit Sam's. Where _did_ Ronnie come into play?

I breathe in. "Why did Ronnie come here Dally? You obviously knew he was here when we met him. Why the act?"

"You figure it out." He smirks. "Don't you have it all figured out? That's the game, Curtis. It's all you."

I bite my bottom lip. "We're not even together and you're still playing me for a fool. Fine Dally, you killed Sam. Bravo. Is that what you want me to say? What do you want me to believe?"

"You tell me."

I push against his chest. "God I can't stand you!"

"It just eats you up you don't know!" He pushes me back against the wall. He presses his lips against my ear. "It's not always plain as day. I'm better than that. You gotta think a little harder, dear."

I don't struggle against him. I know it's effortless to even try. "I've got enough shit going on. I don't need this. Why did you come here? We've all got problems. I don't need you to come by once in a while and screw everything up again like you did three months ago when you made a selfish decision!"

"Oh boo fucking who! My name's Danni Curtis. My mommy and daddy died when I was little. My best friend died last year. My brother's got cancer. My boyfriend killed someone and lied to me. Oh poor me! Get the fuck over it already!"

I push against his arm that holds me in place. I beat against his chest, anything I can do to get away from him. "Let me go!"

He slams me back against the wall. His arm holds me there by my chest. His eyes are in my face, shooting at me. I can see the anger busting out of them. All this anger that's for me.

"What are you gonna do now, hit me? Show me how much of a goddamn man you are?"

"You're not worth the energy it would take to hit you. You are _nothing_. You are nothing without me!"

Standing in front of him, hearing these horrible words he shouts at me and remembering the things I said to him, I can't help but remember a time when I desperately wanted him back. I wanted to go back to what we had and have that feeling when I saw him again. I wanted it all back. I would have killed to have things the way they used to be.

At this very moment, I realize where I went wrong. I was trying to hold onto something that didn't exist anymore. That person, whom I once loved and was so desperate to love once more, doesn't exist anymore. People change throughout courses of life. It's why people say 'life happens'. The things and people we love, change. Feelings change.

We can wish this wasn't the fact of the matter all day long, but that never works. The truth is - it's true.

Things change, and sometimes, it's really for the better.

His arms fall, freeing me. "I've got someone who does think I'm someone. Someone who thinks I'm pretty damn special."

"Oh good for you. I saw you're little prince. Real scary. You think he's gonna protect you from me? I know you, Curtis. Don't think that I don't. I know everything about you."

I reach into the pocket of my uniform. I clinch the chain in my hand and take it out. "I can take care of myself just fine. And you don't know me. I've moved on Dally. I...I hate you. I don't care anymore about you and Sam. I've moved on...and that's what hurts you the most, Dally."

He smirks coolly. "Oh really? I've heard that before. You think you're my favorite person? I can't stand to look at you. You think you're better than me? You've got another thing coming."

I let the chain fall and pinch it by the top. I dangle it in the air, showing it to him. "This is the last time I'll say it then. You don't know me, Dally. You never did."

I let the chain fall to the ground, watching it splash in a puddle of water. The ring on the end glows as his eyes set on it.

I push him off so I can be freed from the wall. I walk down the wet pavement towards the end of the alley. I step on the chain - the ring. I dig my shoe into it, crushing it and everything it once represented.

"Stay away from me, Dally. I don't want anything to do with you. I've moved on. Stay the hell out of my life."

"You are nothing without me, Curtis! Nothing! Remember that!"

I walk away again this time, turning my back to him, only, I'm not crying...

I'm smiling.

_And who do you think you are? Runnin round leaving scars. Collecting your jar of hearts and tearing love apart. You're gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul. Don't come back for me. Don't come back at all. Who do you think you are?_

* * *

**A/N:** This was a hard chapter for me to write for many reasons. That's why it took a little longer to post. I started a new short story about Sylvia and it should be updated sometime this week hopefully.

Thank you for reading.

Please take the time to leave a review.


	21. Snapbacks and Tattos

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the _Outsiders_ or the song "People Who Died".

**A/N: **Thank you all SO much for the reviews!

There will be no update next week. I'm beach bound! Updates will on regular schedule the following week.

* * *

_Teddy sniffing glue, he was 12 years old. Fell from the roof on East Two-nine. Cathy was 11 when she pulled the plug. On 26 reds and a bottle of wine. Bobby got leukemia, 14 years old. He looked like 65 when he died. He was a friend of mine. Those are people who died, died. They were all my friends, and they died._

I've been through this game Dale's playing. It starts out as only a Saturday night thing. Just something to clear your head and have fun with. Then you're nose starts to run and your stomach cramps. There's a voice in the back of your head that's always there. It's saying, 'just one more time' but it never is.

Rick gave me hell for skipping out on work the past few days. I've got better things to do than change some old chumps oil all day. I haven't been at home much - if you want to call it home. It's not. It's just another house in Tulsa. A bed to sleep.

I live by my own rules. Maybe that's why I've been from place to place. I bought a map yesterday and circled a few places that looked nice. Tulsa just isn't the same anymore. The old girl has grown. Maybe it's time for this cowboy to get out.

I walk down the street. The ring around the chain on my neck bounces back in forth when I walk.

There are scratches on the diamond part from her stupid shoe. I should have made her get down on all fours and clean it after she dropped it in the mud puddle. It'd been four months. Looks like she would have given it back sooner than that.

I got it back. That's all I care about. It'll look good around Carmen's slim, tasty neck.

I decide to go to the park and smoke a while. I'm supposed to be somewhere else, somewhere with Carmen, but I think I like it better here than in a stuffy old car with her half naked lying on top of me.

That's when I see it. He gives him a high five. They slap each other on the back and chat it up for a minute. He gives him a brown bag that's tightly holding something inside. He pushes it back and shakes his head. They laugh and chat and then one leaves and I go charging towards the one that's left.

"What are you doing around Dale?" I demand, breathing heavily down his neck, causing him to panic.

He holds his hands up and begins to stammer out. "I-I-I, nothing! We were just hanging out. Honest!"

I don't believe him. I grab him by his shirt, lifting him up and making him look at me. I've got him trapped so he can't go anywhere. He can only squirm. "Did you take anything from him? Tell me you didn't take anything from him!"

"D-Drugs?" he asks, shaking. "No! I swear, Dally! I swear!"

I let him go slowly, putting him back on the ground. It's hard not to believe a kid like Pony. The kid turns red and stutters when he has to lie about his homework. He's the worst liar I've ever seen. After all, this is the kid who told his _sister_ he had sex for the first time.

I take out a cigarette and struggle to get my lighter to light it. "Stay away from him. Got me?"

"Yeah, sure," he says quietly. He looks over my shoulder. "You hang out with him though. I've seen you before."

I finally get my weed to light. I take a big whiff of it. "Have you ever heard the phrase, do as I say, not as I do? Stay away from him. I mean it. If I ever catch you with him again, I'll knock your teeth out."

He puts his hands in his pockets and looks down at the ground, defeated. "I won't go near him again if you answer one question."

I put my lighter back into my jean pocket. "Sure."

"Who paid for your lawyer and for your bail?"

I narrow my eyes at him. It's an out-of-the-blue question, especially for him to ask. I have to do a double take to make sure it's really him I'm looking at. "What do you care?"

He shrugs, still slouching. "It was just botherin' me. I thought maybe you were holdin' out on us."

I laugh and breathe out of my nose. I sit down on the bench and enjoy what's left of my fag. "Nah, kid. You don't see me with no sweater vests or shiny church shoes, do ya?"

He sits down next to me. It's his favorite part of the day right when the sun starts to go down in the valley. "You know Carmen?" he asks. "I saw you with her the other day."

"Yeah, I know 'er."

"She's pretty, huh?"

"More than pretty, kid."

He nods, still staring out at the sun. "I've talked to her some. Think she may like me. What do you think?"

I stare blankly at him. My mouth falls open a little. "You're kidding, right?"

"No?"

I could really picture this pair. Now that I think about it, Carmen has mentioned him to me a couple of times. She asked questions but I never would have put this together. This is worse than two years ago when Angela came after him.

"Stay away from her too," I say sternly, waving around a finger like a grown man. "She's bad news."

"Why?" This time he stands his ground a little. "What's wrong with her?"

I roll my eyes and I need another cigarette. "'Cause she's mine." I light the stick as it dangles from my mouth. "What do you want with that broad anyway? You dated a Soc for Christ's sake!"

"Yeah and look where that go me."

There's a loud purr from an engine behind us. We both turn around and stare as dumb, dumb, and dumber stumble out of the little black Oldsmobile. One's got a dipper bag, the other's got the important package and they're heading this way.

He's gotten huge. He's got a bottle in his hands and he sucks on the nipple. He's not trying to get anything out of the bottle because he doesn't tip it up. He's just sucking on it. Taking after his uncle already. I laugh at the thought.

"Well looky looky at Mr. Daddy-o."

Tim lays the kid down on the ground, looking up and letting out a growl. "Up yours, Winston."

You rarely see Jake anymore. Not since his real daddy came to town and decide to stay a while. You can't call the little twerp a bastard anymore. No one mentions the other daddy around Tim. He still isn't quite used to the idea of sharing. He's never been all for the idea anyway. Who would have guessed he would fall for someone still in dippers?

It's Tiffany who's became the new mommy. She's the one pushing the stroller and it's her you see in the grocery stories with Jake. She makes the doctor appointments and changes the dippers. She never seemed like the type to me.

"Come here kid." I hold out my hands and let him walk to me. He started doing it a few months ago. It drives Tim crazier than Jac does. It's a real sight to him running around the park, chasing after him.

I sit him on my knee. He's got a handful of grass that he's trying to stuff into his mouth. "Stop it!" Tim reaches out and smacks it out of Jake's hand, getting a whimpering face back at him.

"Let the kid eat grass if he wants to," I say, bouncing my knee up and down so I won't have to deal or hear the crying that's soon to come. "You did it."

"Thought you didn't like kids, Dally," Curly says, sitting down beside Ponyboy. He fits well on the end. He's lost about twenty pounds and shot up about six inches. Curly Shepard was no baby face kid anymore.

Jake will be two next month, and he already weighs twenty pounds. My knee is almost numb from the weight. He must take after Curly that way. Ang wasn't a size two either. "Me and ankle bitter here are friends, right, kid? What's my name?"

"Dally!"

"Who's a stupid big fat turd?"

"Tim!"

Tim huffs and takes the kid back. "Goddamnit Dally. Don't teach him that shit."

"Smarter than you are," I say, watching Jake squirm out of Tim's tight grasp and go beside the bench and over to the flowers. He pulls them out one by one and throws them across the lot.

Tim leans on the side of the bench and lights a cigarette. The kid has always stressed him out, now in the terrible twos especially. I've seen him put away a pack in a few hours when it's his turn to go out and play.

"What are ya'll up to anyway? Come to perv out on the kiddies?"

"Pony and I here were just havin' a chat. Kid thinks Carmen likes him."

Tim and Curly both do the signature Shepard eyebrow raise. "Carmen Mayfield? The one who's been up your ass since you and Curtis called it quits?"

"The very one."

Curly busts out in laughter. He has to grab his side to keep his ribs in place. Pony shoots him a glare. "Shut up!"

"That's rich! That's real rich!" Curly controls himself enough to speak clearly. He wipes the tears from his eyes. "What do you think she wants with _you_? To copy your homework maybe."

Pony rolls his eyes and pouts a little. "That's not it. You don't know anything, Curly."

"Tell 'em who your new friend is then."

He cross his arms over his chest and slouches down. He may be almost seventeen, and have the looks of a twenty year old, but he still acts like a kid. "Dale."

Tim's eyes get a little big as well as Curly's. Tim takes the fag out of his mouth. "You're kidding. Damnit kid, are you that goddamn stupid or something? Your big bro is gonna bust your ass, kid if he finds out. Cancer or not I'm sure he's still big enough to crush you."

"Dally already promised to do it himself."

Tim swears under his breath and shakes his head. He looks at Jake and then at Curly. "Don't get any bright ideas yourself." He waves the cigarette around. "I'll beat the living shit out of you if I catch you with that guy."

Curly holds his hands up. Curly wouldn't get involved in Dale. That wasn't Curly's area.

"I don't see what's so bad about the guy," Pony says. "Him and his friends are just like us. Hell, Tim, they're like you and your boys. I don't see-"

"They ain't nothin' like me and they ain't nothin' like ya'll so watch your mouth kid before I bust it open."

Tim's had his fair share of run in's with Dale. He knows who he is, that's for sure. He'd heard the rumors, sure. We'd all heard the rumors. It wasn't until two years ago when Tim met Dale at a drive in showing of _The Good, the Bad and the Ugly._

Angie was the one that caught Dale's eye. 2moro had always been Dale's girl since grade school. 2moro and Angie had their fights and that's why when Dale asked her to the movies, she jumped at the opportunity.

Angie was a smart broad. I never said she wasn't. She was sneaky and she knew what she could and couldn't get away with. She told Tim she was going to the movies with some friends. He didn't think anything of it. After all, he had plans for night as well and the thought of having his kid sister out of his hair was just an extra plus.

Yeah, Ang was smart. She had it all figured out. She didn't count on the fact that Tim's date had whined his ear off that night about seeing the very same movie Angie was at.

Tim had seen plenty of make-out sessions his sister held. Hey, she didn't get her reputation by just playing around. So when Tim walked by a lit car and saw her thick curly black hair, he just sorta laughed it off.

If only Dale hadn't broken the kiss to pop in an M&M.

Tim acted fast. He knew the face just as well as he did the rumors. Tim's a strong guy. I'll always give him that. So when he pulled Dale out of the car, it wasn't much of a hassle on his part. He thought he had the upper hand in all this.

That's where he made his mistake.

He stayed in the hospital for just a night. He had a couple bruised ribs and a badly broken nose that resulted in a deviated septum. To this day when he breathes, he's left with the reminder of who Dale really is. The guy with no last name.

Dale does this on purpose. He wanted Tim to know who he was and what he was capable of. He wanted him to remember.

I stand up and wipe off the dirt ankle bitter left on me. "Ah, don't get your panties in a bunch, Timmy. Pony here knows to stay away now, don't ya kid?"

"Yeah, and you're still setting a prime example."

I stare, waiting for him to pull back from what he said but he doesn't. "Fuck off, Shepard."

"I'm just saying," he says casually with a shrug. "You seem buddy buddy with the guy all of a sudden. Maybe the kid's following suit. What makes you so goddamn special that you get to be butt buddies with the guy and he doesn't?"

My hands go into fists. I don't even think about it. It just happens. "You don't know shit."

He cocks up an eyebrow. "Oh, I think I do."

We stare. My hands are sweating and I can feel my heart beat out of my chest. He knows I wouldn't do anything in such a crowded place with a kid around and that's why he's suddenly more confident. It eats at me...slow, slow, slowly.

He's the one to break the stare, looking out at the one thing he's supposed to be watching instead of me. I feel like I win even though it's clear he got the last word in. I won the stare down, that's all that matters to me.

His eyes narrow as Jake makes eye contact with him. He's up on the hill behind us by the big oak tree. He's slowly backing away, sending a clear message of what he's about to do.

"You better not do it," Tim warns, giving the evil eye to the kid. "One...Two..."

Jake eases further away with each passing second. Once Tim reaches three, he's running for it.

His tiny chubby legs don't get him very far. Tim reaches him and jerks him upward. He lands four solid swats to the dipper covered behind. The tears come streaming and he goes limp in Tim's arms.

"You gonna do it again?"

"No!"

All three of us watch as Tim cradles the screaming child and walks back over to us. He lets him cry on his shoulder while he rubs his back and tells him to stop crying and to 'be a man about it'. The child clings to his neck and remains limp and his legs dangle. Tim brings him back over to us, sitting down and rubbing the child's back.

You got to remember, this is uncle and nephew. They're barely blood and he's acting like super Dad. They're family but this is how they do things. It's how the Curtis' do things.

It's weird to me. Too weird.

When I was nine my friend Billy died. I was at school and they called me into the office. There was a big fat lady sitting in Principle Grisom's office. I'd been in that office a time or twenty but this woman was different.

She made me sit beside her and I gave her a look. She tried to hold my hands but there was no way I was going to let that happen, not unless she dropped about thirty pounds. I had a thing with people touching me back then anyway. That's a whole different story though.

She told me about the accident. She had one of those 800 number voices. She talked down to me and told me about Billy's dad shooting his mother and then getting Billy in his car and running it into the Harbor. After she told me all this, and I didn't say anything, she tried to hug me. I denied her and that's when she called Pops to come.

Ronnie was with him. It was one of those weird days when Pops didn't have work. Ronnie was only five and not in school yet. He walked in with his thumb in his mouth and sat beside me while Pops talked to the lady.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"Shove it, nerd."

Pops came back a few minutes later and put an arm around my shoulder. He walked me out to the truck and we drove down the road. It was snowing and the roads were slick like ice.

He took us to McDonald's. Ronnie got a happy meal and he got a Big Mac. I didn't eat my happy meal. I couldn't get over everyone being nice to me like the world collapsed because some fucker went crazy and killed one of my friends.

"You want ice cream or something?"

"No."

"I do!"

Pops pulled out a couple of dimes and came back later with not one cone, but two. I was sick of it. I wanted to shoot myself. What made this day so goddamn special? He'd never taken me to McDonald's before. He never got me a fucking happy meal in all my life.

I took the cone, and shoved it in his face.

He then proceeded to drag me into the bathroom. Ronnie cried as he listened to Dad beat my ass through the door.

Jake's asleep on Tim's shoulder now. His face is damp from the tears but he's gone. Tim's leaning back on the bench, peacefully resting like he's got a playboy model on his shoulder instead of a kid. I swear he's smiling. I've never seen him look like this before. He's almost rocking back and forth.

I just don't understand it. I don't think I ever will.

"Dally." Pony lightly slaps me on the arm. "You wanna get out of here?"

"Why?" I look where his eyes are glued. There are four boys crowded around a tree across from us. One of them, the one in the middle, has got sandy blonde hair. Once he turns around, I see a familiar back of the head.

Pony gets up. "Come on, let's go."

I get up to but not to leave. "No, no. Who is that?"

"We can go get a burger. I know you're starving."

"Is that who I think it is?"

"I'll buy!"

I push him to the side so I can get a better look. "Well, well, well."

"She's gonna kill me, Dally."

"Why are you scared of your sister?" I ask. "Man up, kid. What's his name again?"

Pony rolls his eyes, giving up. "Peter."

"Well it'd be rude not to say hello."

"Dally, please!"

I ignore his pleas and walk over across the lot where they are. It's a real crew he's got. All three of them have glasses and some sort of overbite or under-bite. They all laugh through their noses and snort when something's _extremely_ funny.

I walk up to them, putting on a big friendly smile. "Hey, you hear the one about the chemists and the benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?"

One of the nerds glows with glee and nods his head. "Duh! It's the oldest joke in the book. He called it a ferrous wheel."

The other two snicker and snort. Once they're done with the excitement, they make sure to push their glass back up on their face. "It's a good one, huh?"

"You're funny," Peter says. "You got a name, funny man?"

"Huston." I step in front of the kid, offering up my hand. "Name's Huston."

He takes it, using a pretty boy smile as he does. "Like Texas? I like it. Nice to meet you Huston. I haven't seen you around here before. You new or somethin'?"

"Yeah," I go along with it. "Just moved here. Ain't that right, Ponyboy?" I jab him in the side, getting him to play along. He only nods, putting on a fake smile and acting like he wants to be here because he knows how to play along right.

This guy doesn't fit in with the people he's with. He's a baby faced kid just like Sylvia said. He doesn't look old for his age in the face but his body looks mature like a twenty year old. He's got a sport body. The boys he's with have less growth on their faces than a baby does on his balls.

By the way he talks I can tell he's smart. Too smart maybe. "You're dating this guy's sister, huh?"

He beams. It's sickening the way he looks right now. It looks like the type of face a man wears in a sex scene in a movie. He's cocky too. "Yeah. I am. You know her?"

"Yeah."

I reach into my pocket and get out my pack of cigarettes I stole from Tim's baby dipper when he wasn't looking. I hand one off to Pony and then hold it out to the four guys. The one's in the back drift even more away at the sight. Peter takes one without hesitation. One of the strays looks for a minute and then takes on, only to stare at and play with though.

"Pretty big scar she's got on her thigh." I breathe in the smoke I just released. "Wouldn't you say?"

"I didn't know she had one," he says. He pauses a minute to think. He gives me a bit of a look. He puts his cigarette back up to his mouth and thinks about it again. "How do _you_ know she had one?"

I shrug, playing it cool. "Just heard people talkin' 'bout it." I nudge Pony. "You've seen it. Pretty big huh?"

"Y-Yeah," he stammers. "Sure."

He still gives me a look with one eye as he enjoys the rest of his fag. He's seemed to have dropped it for a minute and goes on to talk about school and asking me little pointless questions. I feel like it's the first day of school again and the teacher is forcing me to _share_ myself with the whole class.

"You seem like a cool cat, Peter." I put my stick out on my shoe and smile at him. "How's about we get to know each other a little better? I think we can become pals, don't ya think, Pone?"

Pony doesn't move. He's burning holes into me with that look the angel wears in all those cartoons. The little one that sits on your shoulder opposite of the devil and this is the look he gives when you're leaning towards the better side - evil.

Peter nods in agreement, giving me a slap on the hand. "I think we can too, Huston. You're an alright guy."

I wave as I back away, taking Pony along with me. "You too, Pete."

Pony doesn't say anything until we're out of sight. I can feel his worry and anger as we head back to the bench where Tim and Curly are but all he says is, "Why did you ask him about her scar, Dal?"

I pat him on the back. "You know where the thing is, don't ya? Just barely grazes her upper thigh." I give him a sly wink and grin to show him exactly what I'm talking about.

"Ew."

"Don't tell me you weren't a little curious."

"No! I don't wanna think about that stuff. I_ don't_ think about that stuff!"

"I noticed."

_Mary took a dry dive from a hotel room. Bobby hung himself from a cell in the tombs. Judy jumped in front of a subway train. Eddie got slit in the jugular vein. And Eddie, I miss you more than all the others. And I salute you brother. Those are people who died, died. They were all my friends, and they died._


	22. Cue This

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the _Outsiders_ or the song "Cold Blooded".

**A/N: **I'm back and updates are on regular schedule. Hope you all enjoy this chapter.

* * *

_Can't trust a cold blooded woman. Boy, don't you lie in her bed. You can't trust a cold blooded woman. She'll love you and leave you for dead. There's one thing you must understand. You can't trust a cold blooded woman._

I stand in the middle of the room with my warm drink in hand. There are little drops of water running down my hand from the cup. Peter is beside me with an arm around my shoulder. He's telling a story to a group of people surrounding us and we're all laughing. He takes a sip form his drink and kisses me on the forehead and we stand and listen to the others talk.

Sarah stayed at my house all night. I forced her to go to this party but she's just sitting on the couch talking to a few people she knows from school. I know this party won't help her forget her problems. I know that right now all she wants to do is cry. Maybe that's why I brought her. To make her feel like she doesn't want to cry.

She came home the other day and found a note:

_I'm sorry. I still love you. I just can't be here._

No one knows where he's at. Soda did a quick search and asked a few people but no one knows anything. He's gone for now. That's all we know. We don't know when he will be back, if ever.

My drink is half empty now and I leave to go fill it back up.

"Are you having fun?" Peter puts his arms around my stomach and pulls me into a backwards hug. His hands squeeze me tight and he rests his chin on my shoulder.

I lock my fingers with his and smile. "Yeah. This is nice. So this is Dale's house?"

"Yeah. It ain't much but it's still ok." He pauses once I turn around to face him. "You're real worried about her, huh?"

I take a sip of my drink. I look around him at the small girl sitting on the couch surrounded by pillows and people she doesn't want to be talking to. "I thought this might help. I think I should take her home though."

"Stay a little while," he wines. He kisses me and I can taste the alcohol. "She'll be ok. I'll talk to Doogie and see if he'll go talk to her some. Maybe make her feel a little better by laying on the southern charm."

I still keep my eyes on her as he kisses my neck. I should be over there with her but it feels weird to be near Sarah. It feels weird to feel what she's feeling. It's too much to really talk to her.

So I stand here, letting Peter kiss me - kiss me probably too much. I close my eyes as people make glances because this is our coming out party and everyone now knows we are an item now and I am no longer the girl who dated Dally.

Sarah looks at us now too. She lifts her swollen face up and our eyes meet just for a second.

It's a sad look. Her big brown eyes are wet with sticky old tears and her lips are frowned. She has her hands in her lap and she eventually looks down at them. I push Peter off a little, still watching her.

"I should go be with her," I tell him, forcing him to get off. He stares at me. "I really should get her home."

Peter looks around at her. "Don't leave. I'll be right back."

I go and sit beside Sarah. She doesn't say anything and I just sit and sip on my drink. I don't know many people at this party. Most are older than me but a few are Peter's age. I know Dale and Peter's other friends. They're not mine though.

"Sarah, darling."

We both gaze up at the two people standing in front of us. It's a recognizable face and from the moment I stare into his eyes and he stares back, I know where I've seen him before.

"Why is such a pretty girl so sad?" He sits down beside her, giving her his drink. "Care to talk about it?"

Peter steps forward. "Sarah, this is Doogie."

"Hi."

"Hello."

I gaze up at Peter as he stands with glee because he is proud of his task. He thinks he has pleased me - his girlfriend, and that's an accomplishment for a man. He's happy because now he can have my full attention. He handed Sarah over to someone else so I won't have to worry and I can be with him.

He pulls on my hand and I get up and we walk back over to the kitchen and I sit and he starts kissing me again.

I look over at this two. Doogie is chatting her ear off and Sarah is as silent as ever.

"Dally came into the diner the other day," I confess. I'm not sure if he hears me at first because he doesn't jump up. He finishes kissing my neck and then looks at me.

He knows now, and I've got his full attention. "What happened?"

I swallow hard. "I, uh, he just talked. That guy was with him. Doogie. They...they were teasing me and stuff. Then that guy - he grabbed me and I threw a drink on him and-"

"Doogie?" he asks, shocked. He looks over his shoulder. "He'd never do that. It must of been someone else."

I shake my head as I look back over at him to get a better look. "No. It was. He was there with Dally."

"Doogie is not friends with Dally, Danni." He laughs and wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me into his side so I rest on him. He takes my drink away from me. "I think you've had a little too much to drink, babe."

I watch as my cup slowly floats away from me. I reach forward and take it back. "I've barely had one drink. You think I'm lying? I remember his face. He grabbed me and he was _with_ Dally."

"I'm not saying you're lying. Calm down. Look, Doogie isn't a saint but he respects girls. I would never set him up with Sarah if he wasn't gentle. They don't even know Dally, Danni. They're_ my_ friends. What did Dally say to you?"

I shake my head over and over again. "No. He does know Dally. They're friends Peter."

"Danni-"

"Peter I swear that was him!"

"No it wasn't!"

We both look at each other. He's shaking his head and biting his lip and he's angry. I watch him as he scowls and shakes his head and drinks a little more. Maybe he thinks I'll shut up now but I don't. "Why don't you believe me?"

He narrows his eyes at me. "These are my friends. What is your problem with them?"

"I don't have one. I'm only telling you what happened. You're the one that got offensive."

He rubs his face all the way down to his chin. He takes another big sip of his drink. His face is red and I don't know if it's from the alcohol or from his anger towards me. "You've always been against them."

"I have not!" I defend myself. "I only know what I know happened. There was another guy with him...Meg...Mega."

He laughs now and it's not a happy 'oh that's funny' laugh. It's one that makes me feel stupid. "Oh so Mega was with him now too? You're...you're crazy! They hate Dallas Winston. They barely even know him why-"

"Is that what they told you?" I ask with a snap. "Because they looked like pretty good friends at the diner."

He raises an eyebrow. He brings that look back. The one that makes me feel useless and dumb. "I can't believe you. I...I can't believe you'd make up such a lie so...so I won't be friends with them."

I blink. "What?"

"I'm out of here."

"Where are you going?"

"To hang out with my real friends!"

I cross my arms and watch him stomp away and push his way through people. This is the second time I've seen his temper though I've been through worse and this shouldn't faze me the way it is. It stings, and I don't know why.

I slam my drink in the trash and go back into the living room.

"Dally's here."

I swiftly turn around. "Jesus, Pone. Don't sneak up on me like that!" I pour a new drink. I can feel him watching me and I ignore him and take a sip. The warm liquid runs down my throat. "How much of that did you hear?"

He leans on the counter. "Enough. You ok?"

I nod. "Where's Dally?"

He does a quick scan of the room. "I think he's out back. Is that Sarah on the couch with that guy?"

"Yeah," I say while taking another sip. "I suppose you heard what happened."

"I live in the same house that you do," he says. "I heard her all day. I could put it all together."

Everyone at this party is drunk. There are girls falling over and laughing. There are some that don't get up from the ground and just stay there and roll around. They don't look good, none of them. They look like those girls you find at jail who have just gotten off something bad or just gotten on. They're disgusting.

I've never seen most of these people before. They look and act different than the people I'm used to. I don't belong here.

"I should go talk to her."

I don't argue with him though I would like to be there when he really talks to her. I decide it's none of my business and take a big sip of my drink. "I'm getting ready to leave. Will you take her home?"

He nods and slowly walks for her.

The house is bigger inside than it looks from the outside. I figure that out as I search each room for Peter. There are over fifteen rooms and even more doors. This is just on the first two levels too. There's a basement I'm afraid to go in.

I run into people I don't know and don't want to know. Everyone at this party scares me. Why is Dally here? His new friends must have been the ones to give him an invite. This isn't his scene either.

What was _Ponyboy_ doing here?

"So this is _the_ Danni Curtis."

I look up at the tall broad man sitting in front of me. He's big but none of it is fat. His shoulders are wide and he's built like a tank. His dark greasy blonde hair hands low above his eyebrows and his brown eyes sparkle a little at the sight of pretty girls. He's got a big smile that matches his body size.

He's a charmer. I could tell that right off the back. He's got a trusting smile and wink.

"Yeah," I say quietly. "Peter..."

He sits in a big room on the second floor. Peter is next to him, not looking up though he knows I'm here. They both sit on a leather couch with a dead deer's head over them and they are both drinking and smoking.

He sticks out a cold wet hand for me to take. "It's so nice to finally meet you. I'm Dale. I've heard too much for so long."

"Oh," I say. "From Peter?"

He shrugs. "And others."

"I didn't think I was so popular," I say lightly. "Peter, are you about ready to go?"

He's still angry. He barely looks up at me as I speak. He has a warm beer in his hand that he hasn't touched. "No."

I sigh and let my shoulders slag. "I'm sorry, ok? I shouldn't have said anything. Can we go home now?"

Still, no response.

"Are you just going to ignore me all night?"

Dale clears his throat. He sits his drink down on the coffee table and crosses his legs. He lights a fresh cigarette and smiles at me. "Why don't you sit down and take it easy, Dan. Sit and tell me about yourself."

"I really need to go."

He breathes out his smoke slowly. He lets it glide off his lips. "I heard you were spunky. Really though, have a seat. We're all friends here. We're just talking and playing some poker. You know how to play?"

I watch as he shuffles the deck. Each card rolls off the others, making them flutter. "I do. I just...I have a curfew and I really need to be home so Peter can we just-"

"Danni..." Someone comes up behind me. He comes to my side and puts his hand on my shoulder and starts to pull back a little. "I'll take you home, come on. You don't need to be in here."

Peter looks up finally. He begins to stand up and hovers over me. "Hands off! She's mine. I'll take her home."

Tim studies him. He narrows his eyes and tightens his grip on me. I watch as he doesn't look at Dale but Dale can't take his eyes off of him. Tiffany is in the background, holding her purse and wanting to slip back away unto the shadows.

"I said get off of her." Peter fully stands up and takes a step forward. His eyes are large and his veins are popping.

"Peter, just relax," I try to reason. "You're not ready to go. Tim, I'll just get my stuff and we can-"

Tim steps forward. He lets go of me and faces Peter. He looks him over and then smirks. His eyes then wonder over to the person who's completely content on the couch. "Hello Tim."

"Dale."

Dale's smoke burns my nose. I can feel my legs shake the more I stare into his cold dark eyes.

"How's Angie?"

My mouth falls open but Tim speaks, "How's 2moro?" Dale sneers at that. He brushes the ash off his stick and takes a long drag. Tim backs back up to me. He takes my hand and turns his back. "C'mon."

"She's not going anywhere with you!"

Tim's feet stop and so do mine. I look up and sigh. I can feel my hand being pulled in the other direction and I don't know if it's the direction I want to go in or not. "Peter, let go."

"No. I'm not letting you go anywhere with this bum."

"Who you callin' a bum, pip squeak?"

Their chests bump against each other. From this view, I can see how young Peter really looks compared to Tim. I can see how old Tim is compared to the first time I ever met him when he was seven. His face is older than his body. It shows the stress and struggles his been through in his life. Every vein and gray hair has a story.

I brush by him and take Peter's hand. "Let's go then."

"You are _nothing_ compare to him," Tim snaps to Peter.

"To whom?"

"Dallas."

Dale whistles under his breath and looks away to hide a little snicker. He's the only one in this room who is enjoying this battle that he has a front row seat to. He likes the fighting and this is probably the most entertainment he's gotten all night.

I pull on Peter a little more. This causes him to move. "Let's go, Peter."

"Stay away from her," he warns before he parts. "I mean it! You and Dallas both. Just stay away from us."

Tim rolls his eyes. He crosses his arms over his chest. "You have no idea what you're getting into, kid. No idea at all."

* * *

I look around at the dry woods around us and gaze out beyond the cliff. I've been here before a couple of times. A few more than I can count. "I thought we were going home."

He peels off his leather jacket. He slowly lowers it off his arms. "Why not have a private party?"

I smirk, looking to the side and shaking my head. It's just us here. It's quiet and alone. From up here, you can see the whole town lit up. It's a Friday night and early. This is when Tulsa is truly beautiful. It almost looks like a big time city from up here.

"You're angry."

"You really made an ass of yourself, you know that?" I look at him. "Tim's a good friend of mine and he was only looking out for me. You didn't have to prove how much of a fucking man you are. I had someone who did that and I hate it."

He's getting closer to me. I can feel his warm breath on my face. "I'm sorry about tonight. I shouldn't have been such an ass. You're right. I was rude to you. You wanna talk?"

I've never been told that I was right before in an argument. "What do you wanna talk about?"

He shrugs, look around at the gorgeous scenery around us. "Tonight...with that guy. What was that scene all about? Who is he and why did he get so protective over you?"

I rest back. My back hits the door knob and my head leans against the cool glass window. I tuck my hair behind my ear and look at him, his big green eyes. "He's a good guy. We have a lot of history together."

"You dated?"

I shake my head. "Last summer was a rough time for me."

The seat squeaks as he leans forward so he's closer to me. He tucks a loose hair away. "What happened?"

"He's name's Tim. He had a sister. We were best friends ever since we were kids." I pause to wear a smile at the memory. "She was messed up a lot. She had a baby when she was fifteen. I always had to watch her. It was sorta my job."

He's closer than before, practically on top of me. He's listening with welcoming eyes as he pets my leg.

"Last year, she was dating a real bad guy. We warned her over and over again but it wasn't enough." I swallow, pausing again. "She...He found her one night. I was there. They fought and...he shot her."

He's hand stops moving and his eyes go soft. "Danni-"

"There was nothing I can do." Warm tears fill up in my eyes. I hadn't told this story in so long and it seems almost like a distant memory. "I had to wait and watch her die. He tried to kill me. He shot me."

He looks down at a place that's showing on my upper thigh. He pulls back the pink fabric of my skirt so he can fully see the horrible site that's so easy to hide. His hand goes over it, tracing around it.

I sniffle as I watch and tears hit my leg as they fall. "Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if she were here. Everyday really. I pretend like I'm asking her a question and think of what she'd tell me. I always went to her about boys. She knew more than I did and she always told me what to do. She was right most of the time."

His hand is so warm. He hasn't moved it from its spot on the scar. He's still looking at it.

"I miss her." I say, half-laughing as I try not to drawn him. "She was like my rock. Jennie and Sarah can never take her place and I know they try.

"Some days are better than others. I can go a day or two and only think of her a few times. Lately though, I really need her. I need her to tell me what to do and to help me. I need her because she knew me better than anyone else. I want to go to her and tell her all about you and how I think I love you and how I'm over Dally and that I feel good!"

He hasn't looked up at me as I say these things. He's too focused on the spot where his hand is.

My face feels wet. My make-up is ruined and as hard as I rub, I can't fix it.

"You...you think you love me?"

I swallow again, watching his fingers start to move. "Y-Yeah."

"I'm sorry," he says. "About your friend. I know what you're going through. Two years ago, my friend got in a car wreck. He was drunk, and we were at a party. I fought him for the fucking keys. I fought and fought with him."

I watch the way his eyes well up slowly. The water inside just wanting to come out. I haven't seen him this way. Peter is never at a loss for words. This is emotion.

"The last time I said to him was that I hated him." He shakes his head, sniffing. "I got a call around three."

I reach out slowly, taking his face in my hand. His tears wet my hand. "Peter..."

His eyes are greener with tears. He glances up, watching me. He sees my face, my black make-up running down my cheeks. He sees my frizzed hair and my scar and my thick thighs. He doesn't look at any of this though, only my eyes.

I touch his lips with mine, just barely grazing them.

"That's why I'm friends with Dale. Dale understands what I went through. He's a good guy and he has my back. I didn't have any friends for a long time, Danni. I took these pills to make me feel better but they just made me push people away."

I slowly trace the outline of his hand on my leg, listening intently.

"I won't let him hurt you anymore. I won't let anyone." He breath hits my face as his hands wrap around the back of my neck. "Mark my words, the creep touches you again, he's a dead man. Anyone ever hurts you again, I'll _destroy_ them."

His kisses are soft and gentle. He's moving slowly and easily down my stomach and stopping at my navel. I can feel his fingers rubbing against my bare belly, stroking and tickling me all over. His hands are smooth and cold as they grab me.

He goes back up to my neck, sucking and kissing the same spot. His breath is warm on my neck and cheeks. His body is on mine and his hands are on my bra-hook and my hands go to his butt and grab tightly.

He lifts up, taking his shirt off, showing off how muscular and strong he really is. I take a minute and stare at the beauty that is his stomach. He sees me and laughs and he becomes confident and proud of himself.

I can't stop my body as I force upwards and attack his lips with my tongue. I feel so close and connected to him and all I want to do is show my affection and let my body think for me.

His cold hand makes me shiver as it goes to my bare back and easily lift my shirt up and over my head.

He stares at me, mainly my breasts and my face turns read. What kind of bra am I wearing? Is it the pretty lacy one or just a dull white one? I'm too scared to look so I focus on his eyes.

"You alright?" he asks as he goes back to kissing me, only this time, more heavily.

"Yes," I breathe into his mouth. _Yes Peter, please be quiet. _

I feel cold without my shirt on. He shifts me back to my back and lies on top of me again. We kiss for a few more minutes until his hands find my breasts and stay there, groping and squeezing them so tightly that it hurts.

I think I'm going to throw up as he touches the top of my skirt, pulling on it. I don't stop him though, and he slides it down to my ankles and I look up and watch as he tosses it on the ground.

I lick my lips, tasting him still on them.

I jump as his hand goes to my panties, staying there and feeling all over, inside of them and out. His fingers go inside of me, making me cold and then he slowly pulls them back out.

"I don't want to make you do this." He notices my sudden surprise at his touch and pulls back. "Just say the word and I'll stop. I'm serious."

I nod and tell him to continue. "I-I'm ok."

I feel so cold and I'm almost shaking. I think of the last time I had another guy touch me like this besides Dally. I think of Dally. Damnit! Get out of my head! I can't think of him. Not now with Peter's hot naked body on mine!

He sucks on my stomach.

We roll over on the bed, our tongues wrestling. I feel like I'm not doing much and try to pick up my pace but it's all Peter tonight and he's calling the shots and I have no opinion. I feel as useful as a doll.

He pulls his pants down, showing off his white underwear. I gape at it and I can't take my eyes off his erection sticking out.

He goes back to kissing my neck, whispering things I can't hear in my ear. I breathe out heavily and reach my hand down and feel how hard he is. It's rubbing against my thigh.

He puts his hands on the hems of my panties, looking at me. "You sure about this?"

Maybe this is how it always is. Girls fucking guys and guys fucking girls. It's no longer called 'making love' because you don't have to be in love to do. The majority aren't. We pretend we like it and say it, but in reality, we just want to throw up.

I gulp and shut my eyes. I'm not sure of anything anymore. "Yes."

_You can't trust a cold blooded lover. You can't trust a cold blooded slave. You can't trust a cold blooded other. In the end they'll just drive you insane. There's one thing you must understand. You can't trust a cold blooded. Can't trust a cold blooded..._


	23. Denim on Black

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the _Outsiders_ or the song "Cold Blooded"_._

**A/N: **Yes I'm using the song twice. Ahhh! This chapter is one of the shorter ones because it just got done a few minutes ago. The next few are more action packed.

* * *

_You can't trust a cold blooded man. Girl, don't believe in his lies. Can't trust a cold blooded man. He'll love you and leave you alive. There's one thing you must understand. You can't trust a cold blooded man._

There are a few things I enjoy in life:

10.) Greasy burgers with extra grease

9.) Extra crispy French fries

8.) Western Movies

7.) Places where you don't have to wear shoes...or shirts

6.) Slashing tires

5.) Ice cold Cokes

4.) Sex

3.) Cigarettes

2.) Beer

1.) Horses

I have the top three things at my fingertips. The beer here is cheap and you can buy cigarettes by the carton. Just the smell of the horses can tie me over for a while. The security isn't tight here so I can sneak into the stables and get some carrots and apples in before the owners notice.

"Hey Dally!"

Soda and Steve have doubled dated since the beginning of time. I've always thought it was a cover up for something different until they got into actually having sex with the girls they took out and Steve got married. Some days I still like to have my doubts.

"Why are you over here all by yourself?"

She's from Kansas or Nebraska or someplace that's full of rednecks. She doesn't have a thick accident which makes her more attractive than before. Soda's always been into blondes with full figures and tight asses.

I see her all the time when I go in the Dingo. She's the new best friend apparently so there's a wonder what she knows. She's got a lot of sass in her and though I've never held a full conversation with her, I have a feeling she could pack a punch.

I let the smoke out and smirk. "Is it date night already?"

I notice how tightly Evie has her hand wrapped around Steve's like she thinks I'm going to steal him away from her. She's close to him and he's not pushing her away like before. I focus my attention on her stomach.

"Jen, will you come to the bathroom with me?" She shrugs and follows after her. Evie will do anything in her power to get away from me. I scare her a little and she doesn't like to show fear.

Steve slouches against the brick wall and lights a cigarette. "Damn, I've been wantin' one of these all night."

"Evie made him quit." Soda laughs and pulls out one of his own.

"Seemed pretty cozy back there, Stevie," I point out. "She ever get what she wanted?"

He gets a satisfied look as he releases the smoke. "Started workin' at some daycare. I figured that'd tie her over for a while. Maybe she'll realize that she hates kids. She's dropped it an' that's all I care about."

She's probably stopped taking the pills.

"How's Superman?" I ask Soda, noticing a less strained face. His color has gone back to normal - as normal as it can get after getting third degree burns on the majority of his skin.

He puts the stick out on the wall behind him. "He's in the hospital again. Probably 'till surgery. He likes it there better than at home anyway. They say it's gonna get worse before it gets better. He looks bad, man."

I can picture the flesh being eaten off his skin. I've never seen anyone with cancer before besides my old hag of a grandma my pops made me visit before she crooked. We only went there because she had some dough and he wanted it.

"Aye," I say. "How's the kid doing?"

He raises his eyebrows. I forget he's not considered a kid by anyone besides Steve anymore. "Ponyboy?" I nod. "He's fine...besides that whole Johnny thing. Hey, you haven't heard from him, have you?"

He called me the night he left that girl's house. I didn't blame him for wanting out. I never expected that thing to last long. He asked about the place I sent him and Pony a few years ago and wanted to know if there was another building around he could crash in. I gave him a few bucks to hold him over a while.

"Nope. Ain't heard a thing."

"Oh," he says, a little disappointed. "Why do you ask?"

I shrug and light up another cigarette. "You gotta watch that kid. Keep an eye on him and shit. He's at that age, ya know."

He nods but still looks puzzled. He doesn't ask and I'm glad, not that I'd tell him the truth. I may be a lot of things, but a rat I never was and never will be. It's my problem now and if I have to crack a few heads, I will.

* * *

It always smells like cough syrup and tears in this place, sorrow along with death.

"How ya doin'?" I ask as I step in. The room smells like tainted blood and cheap flowers and balloons. That's what everyone gets when they get sick. Like seeing a fucking balloon that says 'get well soon!' is going to cure cancer.

His eyes are sunk into his head. His skin looks like ice and every blue vein pops out of his frail thin skin. He's a husk of his former being. The guy was Superman. He didn't even resemble Superman's grandpa at this point.

Darry lifts his head up a little and smiles. "What's that?"

I flip over the bear and sneer. "What's it look like? A fucking diamond ring?"

He laughs and slowly picks it up once I sit it down on the bed beside him. "Stealing in a fucking hospital. I'd imagine the devil's keeping your seat warm for you?" He flips it over. "Congratulations? It's a boy?"

I shrug. "When you're grabbin' an' goin', you don't have time to look at the prize."

He shakes his head. "I'd imagine not."

What do you do in a hospital room for hours a day? I couldn't take it the few times I've been and that's why I refuse to go and would rather patch up myself. I can see a collection of books by his bed stand. Pony's I'm guessing. Darry never seemed like the reader to me. He always had to be moving and working.

Once something big like this hits, I'm sure you have to change and try new things. I know if I ever heard the C word, I'd grab the nearest gun and go out the easy way. There's no way I'd get like this.

"Ain't seen you since you got out." He stops and coughs into a tissue that's covered in blood. "Looks like you gained all the muscle I've lost, huh?"

They could at least put a TV in here. There's a lady that comes around with a rack of ratty old books that no one ever wants. She smells like the old candy grandmas are always trying to give you. There's a Bible in the drawer but it's only there to gather dust. I'm sure people like Darry read it from cover to cover. That's the only time when people care - when they're dying.

"I'm surprised you're not at that big party." He coughs out more blood specs. "I tried to get Soda to keep an eye on Danni and Pone but he's still a stupid kid. I forget that sometimes."

"Yeah, I may make a visit."

He nods and holds back another disgusting cough. "Tell me if you see 'em. Soda ain't got eyes like I do."

There's a knock on the door and the tall blonde comes in with a plate of chocolate cake and cups of coffee. I didn't notice the sheets and pillow on the ground until now. I should have known she'd be here.

"Oh, Dally," she says. "You look good. You want some cake?"

I shake my head. "No thanks." I watch as she sits them down on the table. She picks up Darry's dirty tissues and gives him some new clean ones. She helps him lift his head up to take some sips of coffee.

"Thanks," he says. "Can you call and see if Soda's home yet?"

She nods and gives me a small smile as she leaves. "It was nice seeing you."

I notice her stomach as she walks by. She held it when she came in though it's flatter than ever. It doesn't take a genius to figure out why Darry was so keen on getting treatment so suddenly.

"We gonna have a little Superman runnin' around?"

He grins a little and watches the place where she left. "I suppose so. How old am I?"

"Twenty-one."

He nods. He lets his head fall back and he rests his eyes for a while. I almost leave but then they shoot back open. "I've always wanted a wife like her...I always wanted her to be my wife."

A few minutes later I say my good byes once I notice him drifting off. I shake my head once I'm outside. He's always wanted a wife. He didn't say anything about a kid.

* * *

"Where have you been all my life?"

I face her and she lets out a loud giggle. She's put away more drinks than her body weight and she's not hiding any of it. Still, as drunken as she is, she looks the same as always. A dark disturbed Barbie doll.

"One of them mine?" I ask, taking one of her drinks. I take a big gulp and scan the area.

The house used to be Dale's grandpappie's. There's a secret door in the basement that leads to a gun room/panic room/wine room/sex palace. There's over twenty rooms spread out through the three floors. He figured this would make it harder for people to find him if something were to go wrong.

Even the house couldn't save Drug Master Dale senior. His brains were blown out on top of the basement stairs. Story has it that he still roams around in the secret room and jacks off to Bing Crosby.

"You're late." Mega's slimy ass comes over, drooling and foaming from the mouth. "D-Dale's been askin'."

I take another sip. "Had a visit to make."

"He really wants to talk to you," he stammers on. Carmen is humping against my arm. "S'I think something's big gonna be planned. You know Maggot called him, right? Yeah, late last night."

"What did he say?"

He shrugs but only uses the one shoulder. His eye is twitching like it normally does when he's nervous. I ignore him and get out a cigarette and try to clear my head for a minute. Maggot could have wanted anything. He always wanted something but rarely makes house calls himself unless something big was going down.

Maggot and I go way back. He was a regular New York kid who just wanted to be seen. He's a couple of years older than me. He never lets me forget that either though we were in the same class in school. He went to school every day. Never missed. He was a good old boy for a while.

We were just kids, poking dead rats on the street with sticks, getting kicked out of bakeries, stealing Salome from the deli across from his house. Life couldn't have gotten any better for us.

We were just_ kids_.

Thing with kids is: they grow up. They're forced to.

"S'I got some stuff upstairs." Mega's still twitching and scratching himself like a mental patient. His leather jacket has got pieces of vomit on it and it smells like cat piss.

I take a step back from him as Carmen whines, "I want some."

"No you don't."

Mega laughs and bats his eyelashes like a little girl. "C'mon D-Dally. Y-You scared or somethin'?"

I roll my eyes and continue to smoke until there's nothing left. It's cold out here in the backyard. It's April and it still doesn't feel like spring out yet. Not even the alcohol can warm me up. I should have brought a jacket.

Carmen tugs on me over and over again like a kid in the grocery store and she wants candy and I don't want to give it to her. "Let's go! It's dumb out here. Just a bunch of tramps who can't hold their liquor."

Inside isn't any better than outside. There are a bunch of whores here whom I've never seen. They're all really skinny and have patches of hair that's really thin. They're passing around drugs and falling all over themselves.

I keep an eye out for the people I promised to look for.

The room Mega takes us to smells like urine. There are a bunch of guys just sitting around. In the middle is a big black guy. He looks like a fucking truck and sits on his hands like he can't hear the people next to him snicker and make jokes.

I nod as a sign of hello and he does the same. I've always found it necessary to make friends with people who look like him - size not color. I don't see what the big deal really is. I never have. I wouldn't give a shit if he was purple or green. He could come in handy at some point.

"Where are they?" Carmen asks, impatient. She's stroking my arm gently and rubbing the back of her hand down my leg. She's humming in my ear and saying sexy things once everyone's heads are turned.

Mega pulls out a brown paper bag and lays it out on the little table in front of us. Carmen snatches it like it's a bag of candy.

"What's your name?" I ask the big guy.

The boys around him stop whispering and pay attention. "Clarence James. You?"

"Dallas. Dallas Winston."

Carmen pulls out the treats. Inside is a box full of powder, a dollar bill, and a playing card. She dumps out the powder and begins cutting it up with the card. She's done this before and it doesn't surprise me.

She rolls up the dollar and snorts up the powder. She rubs her nose after and lets out a loud sigh.

She strokes my neck and starts pushing her tongue into my mouth. She puts the dollar in my hand and tells me again how horny the coke makes her feel. She says there's an empty room next door. She saw it on the way up.

I stare at the rolled up dollar. Clarence gives me a warning look and quietly shakes his head.

"It'll make you fuck like Superman," she whispers in my ear. Her hands inches up my thigh. "Faster than a speeding bullet."

I twist the dollar around in my hand and then put it up to my nose, snorting up the line.

* * *

She lifts my shirt up with her teeth then pulls it off and I'm hoping she notices my body, chest, and abs, but she's busy unbuttoning my jeans and ripping them down with my underwear and pulling them down to my ankles.

It's just me now, completely nude, and her, working over my body with her sweet lips and tongue. She actually starts sucking and biting my _nipples_.

I try taking her clothes off but when I reach for the strap of her bra, she pulls away.

She stands up on the bed and gives me a striptease. She takes the pins out of her hair and lets it fall past her shoulders and shakes her head, letting it flow freely. She takes off all her clothing, slowly, seductively.

She blows a kiss at me once she's complete nude.

She lays her naked body on mine. She's circling her hips and letting out catlike noises and I swear she's purring like a kitten. How do you even purr?

All I can see is her boobs. How big they are and how they keep bobbing up and down as she parts from me and bounces on the bed. She starts biting me. Hard. I push her a little, but she comes back for more.

She goes down between my legs and I can feel the insides of her mouth. I let out a satisfied sigh and think of the last time this happened. The jail is always full of hopeless romantics getting romantic with themselves at night. There are never any slutty nurses to come around.

Once she's done, she slowly comes back up, licking my stomach until she gets to my mouth. She's smiling. That little girl smile that all girls do when they know they're about to get what they want. Then I feel something grab me by the balls. She squeezes really hard and laughs like it's funny and it's supposed to turn me on but all I want to do is throw her off.

"Are you ready yet?" she whispers into my ear. Her breath is hot and sticky.

I kiss her all across her neck and face and try again. I rest my hand on her huge breasts and push her body down on mine. "I'm always ready, sweets."

_You can't trust a cold blooded lover. You can't trust a cold blooded slave. You can't trust a cold blooded other. In the end they'll just drive you insane. There's one thing you must understand. You can't trust a cold blooded. Can't trust a cold blooded..._

* * *

**A/N: **Ghost in the Water should be updated on Thursday or Wednesday. If you haven't checked the story out yet, please do!

Thank you for reading and please review. :)


	24. Can't Ignore It

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the _Outsiders_ or the song "Secrets".

**A/N: **"It's Halloween, everyone's entitled to one good scare." _Halloween_ (1978)

* * *

_I need another story. Something to get off my chest. My life gets kinda boring. Need something that I can confess. 'Til all my sleeves are stained red from all the truth that I've said. Come by it honestly I swear. Thought you saw me wink, no. I've been on the brink, so_

I grip my stomach. It's hurting again and I think I'm going to throw up. The feeling won't stop and the images won't get out of my head no matter how hard I beg them to. Being around all this food isn't helping matters. I know it's not the food though. It's never just the food.

Jennie's running in circles trying to wait on tables. I'm standing up front, getting up the strength to walk to my table and write down their orders. Somehow, my feet aren't moving and I can't make them.

"What is wrong with you?" Jennie hisses into my ear as she passes by. "Your table has been waiting for ten minutes for their drinks! What are you doing?"

I turn away from her and run into the bathroom. I open the nearest stall and fall to my knees, letting out my stomach.

Once I'm finished I sit on the floor. Just long enough for me to catch my breath and to make sure I'm not going to upchuck anymore. I flush the toilet and wash my hands before going back out and facing Jennie.

She's gotten my table their drinks and turned their order in. She gives me a glare. "Are you ok?"

I wipe my mouth off and grab my note pad along with a pen. "Fine."

"If you're sick just tell Mrs. A. I can cover for you."

I shake my head. "I'm not sick. I'm fine. Really. It's just some kind of nerve thing I think."

I go and make my rounds at my tables, apologizing for not waiting on them properly. Soon the diner is near empty and I find myself standing beside Jennie behind the counter again and this time, there are no distractions.

"You gonna tell me what's going on or am I going to have to make a scene?"

I rest my head on the cool counter. My face is red hot and I'm sweating. The coolness calms me down for a minute and my stomach rests. "I feel like shit, Jennie. I feel like complete shit."

"Tell me what happened, Dan." She puts her weight on her elbows as she leans across the slick counter top.

I pull the string to my apron, not wanting to make eye contact with her. "It's about last night...about Peter. We had a date."

She glares, fully standing up slowly and popping her back. She gives me a worrisome look and pays closer attention. Her eyes glare at me as I stand straight up. "What did you do?"

I shake my head again and again, not wanting to live, or retell, the moment. It's embarrassing enough to have to think about it, let alone have to say it out loud. There's a saying: nothing's ever true unless you say it out loud.

"Tell me you didn't," she pleads. She narrows her eyes. "Danni tell me you didn't-"

"No...we didn't."

She stares, still observing me as I pick up a tray and take it to a table. I can feel her eyes burning into my back and I know what she's thinking and what she's wondering. I leave her alone with her thoughts.

_"Danni, come on!" His feet shake the ground under me. The leaves on the tree fall in front of me. "Please come out."_

_Here I'm safe. The darkness hides me and the width of the tree protects me. Here, I can breathe. I can let my stomach settle and I can be alone with my evil thoughts. I can throw up in peace and silently cry alone._

_"I'm sorry!" he yells through the woods at no one. "Danni, just come out and talk to me. Please!"_

_My chest is so tight. There's a hammer beating against my head telling me how stupid I am. There's someone screaming at me and telling me how stupid I always was. That no matter where I turn or what I do, the past keeps coming back up._

_I've pushed it away too fast. Maybe that's it. Maybe it was too soon to even try to be intimate. What happened was just some stupid accident. Something that I didn't have any control over. It's not my fault._

_I'm so tired. I'm so tired of lies after lies. Peter is lying to me. I could feel it on his breath and on his body. Everyone lies. There are too many to keep up with. We all say things to make everyone feel better and to hide the truth. We lie to ourselves and that may just be as worse as lying to people's faces._

_There's too much that's unknown in this story. Someone needs to start telling the truth._

_"What is wrong?" He's found me. He's touching me and looking me over to make sure I'm ok. He's hugging me and telling me how sorry he is and he hopes he didn't hurt me. "Jesus, Dan. What happened, babe?"_

_"I need to go home," I say into his shoulder. "I need to be alone."_

_He lets go of me. He looks at me and I can't bear to see his face. "Is it something I did?"_

_"No," I say with a sniffle. "I thought it'd help. It just fucked everything up again and now...I don't know what to do."_

_He steadies me. He's confused and hurt. "What are you talking about?"_

_"Take me home Peter. Just take me home."_

"You wanna talk about?" She's found me. She's cornered me this time. "Just tell me what happened."

_The phone sits in my hand. I've called three times. I don't know why I continued or why I started. Something inside of me just wanted to hear his voice and that's all - to be reminded of what he sounds like. I never planned on saying anything, or maybe I did. He was the only person that I wanted to talk to and he's not there._

_As bad as I hate him, all I want to do is talk to him. I'm not sure why and I know it's wrong and I'll probably regret it in the morning anyway._

_He doesn't answer though._

"Tell me what happened!" Jennie says loudly. "Danni, I will force you to tell me so you might as well try spilling out your guts willingly or I swear-"

I swallow hard. I take a deep breath and I shake my head. "We were right there. Then I pulled away...I fucking pulled away and then I ran off like some kid. I...I looked at Peter and I didn't see him. You know who I saw, Jennie?"

She's silent which gives me my answer.

"I didn't mean for it to happen," I say. "I kept my eyes closed but then I opened them and...he was there. I dunno, I got scared so I ran. I couldn't get the image out of my head and I felt like I was broken and the world just fell on me."

I turn my back to her and go wait on the table that just came in.

"Have you talked to him?"

"He's called," I tell her. "He's called a million times but I don't answer or just tell him I have to go see Darry or that I'm sick. He's probably caught on by now. I avoided him at school and I think he thinks that I hate him and...I don't.

She puts her arms around my shoulders and holds me there. She smells like flowers and sunshine. I never understood how I person could smell like sunshine, especially someone like Jennie, but that's all I smell right now and I can see her beautiful golden blonde hair through my tear filled eyes.

Her hand holds my back. She doesn't say anything or move. She only sighs. "I don't know what to do anymore," I say into her shoulder. "I wanted to do it with him so badly. I wanted to do it for myself but I just...I couldn't."

"People act like sex is the most important thing in the world. Who even gives a fuck about sex? I know you don't so why try? Sex is just sex, Danni. It's not declaring love for someone anymore."

I shake my head, pushing her away. "It's not even about the sex! It's about the fact that I can't show love for someone I like anymore! I do care about sex! Okay! I just do!"

Her eyes go dark. "You know why I haven't had sex with your brother? It's because I think sex is just a symbol society throws on us and forces us to do it. It's not love, the smallest animal can do it. I'm not going to have sex with someone just to show affection when real affection lies in the heart. How late you'll stay on the phone with someone when they are so upset that they can't sleep. Or running to the grocery store after a long day at work because your boyfriend can't leave his sick brother to get food for his sister and brother. Or holding him for hours after he just feels like a failure. That's_ true_ affection."

I press my lips together and scowl. "You just don't understand what it feels like to finally feel free and then to be sent packing back to the very same place you were before. A place full of hurt and pain! I had that true affection before and then it was gone before I had time to act and I still don't know what I did to deserve it!"

"Do you know what it feels like to be someone new? Do you know how it feels to swallow a small pill and be transformed into someone other than yourself? You don't, Danni. Because there's no magic pill that can change who you are. Dating someone you're not interested in won't stop you from having feelings for someone who is bad for you. Pushing back issues won't make them go away. Pretending like nothing happened doesn't mean it didn't happen."

I shake my head over and over again. "You don't understand."

"I've tried to change who I was more times than I can count. You know what my childhood was like? I had a father who drank, who didn't work, and who spewed venom at me every hour of everyday, who was involved in some deep shit. You don't think I tried to black all that out? You don't think I moved up here so I could be someone new? Someone who wasn't involved in what I was involved in? You can't make your problems just disappear. No matter where you go, who you're with, they'll follow you. You can't change the person you are and you can only change feelings if you yourself are able to change them. You can't force yourself to feel a certain way."

"You know how I feel, Jennie? I like to pretend that there'd be one morning where I'd wake up and not think of the past and how happy I once was. I'd finally understand why he left me, why he did what he did, and I'll be at peace. But that doesn't happen. I wake up every fucking morning with the same questions, with the same thoughts and I wonder what it was I did that made him...that made him do what he did. Every morning it's the same thing, and I pray that one day it'll stop but it doesn't."

"You're not over him. You never were. I can't tell you what to do from here, Danni, but I do know that you can't keep up this game with Peter. You need to figure out what you need and move on. It's killing you and you need to figure out where you stand before someone gets hurt."

* * *

Soda's here every day. He comes by after work with Ponyboy and leftover food from Dairy Queen where Pony is now employed. He sits on the end of Darry's bed and eats and they watch baseball and cartoons. The three stay until dark.

I'd come more often. I should. It's the feelings I get when I step foot in the building. The smell is overwhelming. It brings back memories I'm not ready or stable enough to relive. Death is everywhere in the air. It stinks and hurts.

Right now, there's an elder woman sitting on the bench by the phone. She's here every evening. She keeps waiting for a phone call. She says someone is calling for her but she won't say who. Then when the phone finally rings, she gets really excited, but then her face falls as she finds that the call is never for her.

Doctors push and shove through the halls. They never look up and make eye-contact or even smile. They don't apologize when they pump into someone. They act like they are going somewhere important when really, they're not. They keep their eyes on their clipboard, and keep piling through like a bull, not caring who they stomp over.

Sick people are everyone and no one bothers to cover their mouths when they sneeze or cough. When you round a corner, you can see another person crying. Someone new just died and in another five minutes, studies show that someone else will too. It's a never ending cycle and this is the root of it.

Darry doesn't belong here with all these people. He's become them though, right down to the appearance.

"Nice to see you here."

Some days, when he's so drained from treatments, he doesn't know who I am. Sometimes he calls me Kat or Jennie or once in a blue moon, Mom. It doesn't take him long to correct himself but sometimes he just goes along with it and so do the rest of us.

There's a dresser on the wall furthest from his bed. I go to it and prop up against it. He gives me a small smile as he twists the cord to his IV around his finger. "Kathy working tonight?"

He nods a little, too weak to fully do it. "You don't gotta come visit me like I'm some old person in a nursing home."

"I'm not," I assure him. "That's why I'm here. And I'm bored."

He smiles softly. He's tightly wrapped in his baby blue blanket and you can't see the how frail his body has gotten. There are pictures all over his night stand. Kathy brought them in the day doctors recommended Darry stay here until the surgery.

"Remember when we were kids?" he says, pointing to one of the pictures. "Soda and I taught you how to swim in the bathtub. That was after he pushed you in the lake and you got scared of the water."

"Mom was real mad about all the water on the floor."

He grins and he looks like an old man. "Yeah. There's still a water stain on the roof. I need to fix that when I get out…I wasn't around much when we were kids, was I?"

"You were busy," I tell him. "You had football and school. You were a teenager."

He coughs into a handful of tissues. "Yeah. Times were good then, huh? We didn't know how good we had it. Now look at me, in a few weeks these fucking legs won't work."

I turn around and look at the collection of gifts Darry has on the dresser. Most are from his work buddies and old friends of my parents. There's an old ratty football from Two-Bit and a card from Evie and Steve. There are balloons and flowers and more stuffed animals that are too girly for Darry to own.

"Where'd this one come from?" I ask him. I did a good job at keeping up with who brought what. Darry insisted that he thank everyone in person once he got better.

He raises up a little to look at it. A small smile appears. "Dally brought it by here yesterday."

My grip around the bear tightens. Why would he be here? "He did?"

"Yeah," he clarifies. "I think he stole it and it's for a new mom but it's the thought that counts, right?"

The little black buttons almost pop off the more I squeeze the plush toy. Dally didn't show any interest in Darry's situation. They stopped being friends a while back. He didn't care about Darry. Did he? No. Why would he show up here?

"You ok?" Darry asks. "Dan?"

There's always a symbol for everything. That's why people give gifts. It shows how much they care. It's the thought that they are thinking about you and your situation and to show love.

It shows who cares and who doesn't.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm gonna take a walk, k?"

* * *

"Sylvia!" The water splashes from the bottom of my shoes. My heels click against the cold ground and shake as they land back down in the puddles. "Hey, wait up!"

She's gained weight since the last time I saw her. She has color on her skin and eyes and cheeks. "Ms. Curtis. Why might you be running in the street to chase little ole me? Thought you'd be out with your new beau after all."

I'm panting once I get to her. She hands me a fresh cigarette and presses her lips together. I know she's pissed. I always knew Sylvia was clingy. I just never thought I'd be in this situation. I never meant to ditch her. I ditched everyone.

"I'm sorry about that." My fingers shake as I put the cigarette up to my lips. "I didn't mean to blow you off. Listen though; I really need to talk to you. Do you know who Dale is?"

She arches a pointed eyebrow. "Dale who?"

"I dunno, just Dale. Big guy, cheesy smile, really charming..."

She thinks for a minute. I know she's holding out information because she's punishing me. I've left her and she doesn't like to be left. You'd think she'd be used to it by now. She's been kicked around her whole life but she still takes is so personal when people go off and abandon her. It's rather sad.

"Please," I beg. "I really am sorry about not calling. Do you wanna go get some coffee or something? I'll buy it! I just really have to ask you some questions, Sylvia please!"

She lets the smoke slowly roll off her lips as she happily looks at my begging. She doesn't hide the curl of her lips. "There's a coffee shop down the block. I like mine black."

* * *

Steam rises as she presses her dark red lips against the pearl white mug. She slowly takes a sip and closes her eyes as she enjoys the flavor. There's a red stain on the glass as she pulls away.

"Dale is Dally's friend. You're right about that. Well, they're friends now apparently," she says with a shrug.

I trace the edge of my mug with my finger, letting the steam warm my hands. "What do you mean 'now'? Where they not before?"

She takes another small sip before speaking again. "Dale is younger than him. When we were dating, he used to sorta follow Dally around and he'd hate it. Dale new names in high places though so Dally played nice most of the time but as Dale got older, they had a few fights and visits down town. Dally had to play nice to some extent."

"Why are they friends now?"

She shrugs as she leans back. She crosses her arms over her chest and carried her mug in her hand. "I only know what I know. I'm not a fortune teller."

"Ok, so who is Dale?" I ask. "Why has no one heard of him and what does he have to do with Dally?"

She smiles and takes another little sip of the steaming hot coffee. "They have one thing in common - a guy - Maggot."

"Maggot? I've heard that name before."

She licks her lips over with her sharp, pointed tongue. She soaks in the taste that's still on her big red lips. "Dally's probably mentioned it before. I can't believe you don't know all this."

It's supposed to be an insult Like why didn't Dally, the guy who loved me, tell me things he told her. I ignore her snide remark and get back to the point. "So who is he - Maggot?"

She clears her throat and sips the edge of her cup. She's calmer than I've seen her in a while. There are a lot of people here and that usually makes her jumpy but she's cool. She told me about the pills she has to take now but they'll kill her if she takes them with alcohol so she hadn't been taking them. It looks like she has now.

Her fingers trace the lining of her purse as she digs for a cigarette. Her legs are crossed and from afar, she looks like model or a business woman. She's dressed cleanly and put together. It's hard to tell if it's really her under there.

"He runs a big gang out of New York," she goes on. "He has side people in states here an' there. He's very successful from what I've heard. Dangerous too. He has that raspy over toned voice you know only means trouble."

"Side people? So Dale?"

She shrugs again as the smoke runs out of her mouth. "Like I said, I only know what I know. If I were guessing, I'd say yes, but then again, I'm just guessing."

"But who is Maggot?" I ask. "What does he have to do with anything?"

She looks around quietly. Her eyes search for listening eyes and ears. She's been on the other side of this many times. She knows how all this works. Her eyes dart back and forth like a dog eating a bone.

She leans in closer and speaks softer. "You know how much trouble I could get in for telling you all this?"

"I'll give you anything," I tell her. "Money, food, just name it. I just really need to know. Please."

She shakes her head. There's an ash tray on the table that she dabs her cigarette in. "Why do you want to know so badly anyway? You and Dally are done, right?"

"I'm tired of the unknown. I'm tired of unsolved questions lurking over me. I just really need to know."

"I don't know much. He's a bad guy. His crew has been around for a long time. He was handed down the business but he made it grow. His partner in crime, well, you know him well - Dally. Or so they were partners at one time. Maybe they still are. There_ is_ something going on we don't know about."

I get in closer so I won't miss anything. "What happened? Who is this guy everyone keeps talking about?"

"I don't know. I do know what Maggot says, goes. I know he's the reason Dally got arrested at ten and sent down here. And I know he has a lot to do with to do the murder of Dally's mother."

_Tell me what you want to hear. Something that will light those ears. Sick of all the insincere. So I'm gonna give all my secrets away. This time, don't need another perfect lie. Don't care if critics ever jump in line. I'm gonna give all my secrets away._

* * *

**A/N: **Dun, dun, DUN! Any predictions in the works?

Thank you for reading and please review!


	25. Too Numb

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the _Outsiders_ or the song "White Knuckles".

* * *

_Oh, fuck it all! Sick of being sick and tired, sick of understanding. Tired of feeling sick to my stomach. Demons inside command me. They're saying crush it, break it, smash it. Fuckin' kill 'em all! Laugh as it falls away. I won't dodge another silver bullet. Just to save a little face._

"I can't believe this." She's fuming. She sits on the bed, the sheet wrapped around her naked body. She smokes out her anger with a cigarette. "I can't _fucking_ believe this!"

"Oh shut up!"

The air conditioner in the window is hissing. The sun just came up and it's a little past six. I'm smoking a cigarette while she sits there, her nipples pointed out from the cold, and her lips frowned.

I can smell the after effects of the party. The smell of vomit mixed with beer and weed. There's a sweet taint of sex in the air and regret and loss. It's like a big bomb of virgins just exploded all over the house. It smells like a dead animal that your cat drug into the house that you didn't find until two weeks later.

"This has never happened to me before." She goes on with her rant. "Never!" She throws her hands up. "I mean, look at me! I'm a size C! A fucking C, Dally!" She grabs her boobs to show me. "I mean, look at these!"

I wave my hand at her. "Put 'em away, Carmen."

"Look at them!" Her yelling is going to wake up the whole house. She can deal with the angry whores that'll come barging in. "What, are you a fag or something? What kind of man doesn't want _this_?"

I kick her from underneath the quilt, hard. "Shut your fucking trap! Why don't you get out of here, you damn whore? Go crawl back to that rat nest you call a house and to the old hag you call your mother."

She kicks me back, trying to hit me harder than I hit her. "Fuck off, Winston! What are you gonna do to stop me from running out there in the hall and telling all your bad-ass friends that the baddest greaser, Dallas Winston, can't even get it up?"

The quilt we're under was Dale's grandma's. Don't ask me how I know that. I don't even know how I know that. It's about fifty years old. It was Dale's baby blanket. I don't think it had this many cum stains on it back then though.

It's a dark blue color with soft little squares of sheep. It's tangled up in Carmen's naked body. It's the only thing holding her to this bed.

"What did she do to you? Look at me and then look at her. I'm Barbie - she's Barbie's old maid."

Right now is when I wish I had something stronger than a cigarette. Or at least some duct tape.

"I could have any boy in Tulsa and I chose you because I thought you were a _real_ man. You're no one! How on Earth can you get it up for that scrap of trash but not me?"

Most people from the place Carmen's from would have said 'You're not no one' or 'you ain't nothin''.

She gets in closer to me to where her lips just touch my ear. "Here, touch me. Try again." Her hand takes mine. She moves it to her breast and makes it sit there while she moves it all around. "See? Don't you want this?"

I pull away from her, pushing her shoulder so she's on the other end of the bed again where she belongs. "You know, without all that make-up on, you look like a wetback on crack."

"Fuck you!" She shakes her head. Her lips press together. "You know what, she was here tonight - Danni. She was with that guy and they left early. From what I saw, they weren't going straight back to her house either."

"You think I care? You're lying your ass off right now 'cause you're pissed."

She cocks an eyebrow, seductively smiling. "Ask anyone who was here. I bet he can get it up for her. She'll probably be good and sore in the morning. Sorer than she ever was when you fucked her."

"Get out of here," I say, pushing her off the mattress. I readjust my cigarette in my mouth and lean against the bed board. "Fuckin' piece of trash."

She stands beside the bed, not bothering to cover up. It'd make her day if someone walked in and saw her like this. She's proud of her body. She has a right to be. I'll give her that much.

She places her hands on her hips. "I really thought you were a man, Dally. I guess it's true what they say though - she _ruined_ you. Now look - she's off fucking some guy who's going places and here you are, all _alone_."

I grab the beer bottle that's beside me on the night stand. I chuck it at her but she moves fast enough so it only shatters on the floor around her bare feet. She looks at it and laughs.

"She doesn't want _you_." Carmen tiptoes around the bed, slowly gathering what little clothes she brought with her. "Wake up and smell the roses, Dally. You're alone. You're friends are gone, you're family, and now, you're girl."

She picks up her things quickly, seeing the look on my face and wanting out.

"Don't call me."

* * *

A bedroom is supposed to be someone's own space. A room you can go to get away from it all. No room is yours when you live in someone else's house. "Wake up."

"Get out of here!"

"I let you live with me on a few conditions. One being you'd pay for stuff. Oh but that's right, you can't pay for anything because you don't go to work! Do you know how many strings I had to pull to get you that job?"

His angry outburst goes on for a few more minutes but I can't hear through the feathers of my pillow. If I wanted to be pestered for every little thing I did, I'd go home and stay. Hell, Steve and Evie would be better than this.

Rick hauls the blankets off. "I said get up."

"Fuck off, Rick. I'm still drunk. Ain't that against code or somethin'?"

"NOW!"

Rick's an immense guy. Like I said, I wouldn't mess with him often. He's soft on the inside, but there's a monster underneath that gruff, and I've seen if come out on occasion. He_ almost_ killed a guy. I _did_ kill a guy.

"If you don't get out of here in five seconds Rick I swear to God-"

"You'll what?" he heckles I can smell his cinnamon pancakes on his breath as he comes right into my ear. "I'd like to see you try, Winston. You know what-" He jerks the pillow out from under me and backs up. "C'mon, show me what you got."

I watch him pound his chest like an ape. "What?"

"Yeah, come on!" He jumps up and down on his toes. "I'd like to see what all the talk is about. Let's see what the biggest and baddest greaser can do. Give me one of your best punches."

"You're off your rocker, Rick."

He walks around the room, tramping and shaking the floor. I sit up on the bed and watch him go for the dresser. I don't even have time to breathe before the first drawer is out and on the floor. My clothes spread across the floor as his boots kick the pile and he goes for the next drawer.

I scramble out of the bed. "Hey man!"

"You don't pay bills, you don't pay for food, you don't clean, you don't do shit! What's the point of me letting you stay here? Go bum off someone else for a few more months! Let them deal with your fucked up problems! I'm done!"

I go to my things and toss them on the bed as he chucks more back on the floor. "What is your problem?"

"I'm hungry!" he shouts. "I haven't eaten a decent meal in a week because it's your turn to buy food. I'm tired and stressed from having to explain to _our _boss why you haven't come in two weeks. I'm tired of having you live here! I want you out!"

The flinging stops and I scowl. "This is how you're treating me?"

He melodramatically sighs. He turns on his heel and goes to the door. "You're not the big man on campus anymore. Face it, Winston - you're just another face in the crowd. Grow up, kid. All your friends have. You're all that's left. The world isn't your playground anymore. Time to be a real man and take some fucking responsibility for your actions."

Yeah, I'll make a note of that.

* * *

This isn't a place I go very often. It's a come and go type of place. It's under the apartment building down on East. Only a select few know about it. When people pass by, it looks like just another rat infested basement but it's much more than that. It's the warmth and food that feeds the lowlifes that roam the streets. It's their only home in this lonely world.

Lonely people are the ones who are up late at night.

They gather here. There are all breeds. No one's ever seen them in Tulsa. They hide out in places like this in the day and then wonder the allies like rats and stray cats at night. They're the vampires of our era - blood sucking fuckers.

"Aye, Winston. Come for a hit?"

It smells like blood and dirt down here. There's a Mexican restaurant next door so it also smells like cheap beef and cheese.

There's nothing cheap about the products here though. I've seen one guy with a real Rolex come down here once. He wasn't from our side of the block and he didn't want to go through either. He just needed to pay the bills on his seven bedroom home and his fur coat wearing wife and kids.

The alcohol is even different here. No one asks what's in it. It's always good so why question it.

Dale took me here the first time. He said it reminded him of a place up in Manhattan that I should know well. A place where Maggot and I used to kill time when we were just getting our feet wet in the business.

I knew just by the smell what this place was like.

"Want to get a room, big boy? I'll give you the special rate."

I didn't stay long with Dale. I knew the scum that stayed here and I wanted no part in that. I'd spent nights in a place like this back home. It's the only place that greets you when you have nowhere else to go and the world is against you.

Maybe that's why I'm here tonight. It's warm and there are people like me here. No, not _like_ me. I'm better than these people. I guess that's why I came here - to feel better about myself. Look at these bums, they're trash, they have no one in the world, they have no morals or respect or family...or friends...or girlfriends...or Danni.

"Hey, you want another one, Winston?"

I lay my drink down on the floor. I try to brush the smell off of me that the woman beside me left. "Nah, I'm out."

* * *

The Mathew house is two down from the Curtis house. We used to literally throw rocks on the tin roof late at night to just rattle Two-Bit a little and wait until his momma came out throwing a fit in her nightie.

"Damn, man."

He helps me into the living room. I can hear Mrs. Mathews curse and go into the kitchen and mess around with the medicine rack. She yells at Two and tells him to make me sit up and to drink some water or coffee.

"How ya been?" I ask.

He sits beside me. He keeps the TV on loud so no one else in the house will hear me and come down. "You've been busy tonight." He laughs softly and shakes his head. "You can sleep here. Don't wake up Em though or Ma will bitch me out. I got school in the mornin' so-"

"School?" I raise my eyebrows. Two-Bit was dumber than me in school. He finally passed as a fifth or sixth year senior. I think he even took a class with Pony at some point.

He nods and smiles a little. "Yeah. Community College. Ain't it boss?"

"How'd ya swing that?"

The Mathews have less money than the Curtis'. Mrs. Curtis used to feed them up until the day she died. Mrs. Mathews hasn't had a job longer than a month and Two followed suit the same way.

"The money? Old man's mom died. She didn't have any other family and didn't want Pops to spend it all on booze so she gave it to Em and me. Ma wouldn't let me touch it unless I go to college."

I roll my eyes. That wasn't going to last. There wouldn't be any money left. "What you learnin' about?"

"Business. I'm gonna open up my very own shop one day. Right by the DX."

I snuggle into the couch. "Mhm."

"You're cleaning up your own barf," he says before getting up. "Don't go upstairs either. I mean it! I know what you're like when you're drunk. Stay away from here, got me?"

A few hours pass before I'm up again. My stomach starts to growl and ache and I make my way upstairs to look around.

There are pictures all across the hallway. They're baby pictures but only of the kids. The _family_ pictures got taken down when Two-Bit was ten and his daddy decided he'd have a better life with the stripper that worked down town. No one has ever met his dad. Not even Darry.

I can't believe he's going to college. He's finding a future. He won't last though. It'll just be a matter of time before he's banging on _my_ door wanting a place to crash.

"Hi."

I barely hear her easygoing little voice. It comes out like a mumble, like she almost wanted to pull back and not say anything. She's wearing a short baby pink night gown that comes to her knees. Her long brown hair sticks to her forehead and from the fabric of the gown, you can clearly see that she's not the chubby baby sister anymore.

I nod back to her, not hiding where my eyes go.

She strides over to me, dragging her feet across the dark blue carpet. "Have you talked to Ronnie lately?"

Her voice is so low that I have to think for a minute to understand what's she's saying. I remember that she doesn't want to talk about him too loudly in this house. "Have you?"

She nods a little but not enough for anyone other than me to tell if it was a real nod. "He's not in New York, is he? He won't tell me where he is. He's really lonely. He asks about you a lot."

"Nah, he ain't in New York."

"But he's from there, like you."

I sigh. "Aye, listen up, kid. He don't want nothin' to do with you. You were just some broad with an ass he met on a trip. What do you think he's doing right now? Not sittin' at home thinkin' about you, that's for damn sure. Toughen up, kid. The guy you feel in love with ain't who you think he is. Love don't exist. The sooner you figure that out, the better off you'll be."

She stands there with her head down. Her chest rolls up and down like she's about to cry but she doesn't. She just squeezes up her little fists and glares. "Don't say that. You don't believe that that."

"I do. I've been through it. It's the truth," I say. "He didn't tell you why he came down here, did he? Well I can tell you something, kid. It wasn't so he could fall in love with some snot nose brat. You know why he went to you? You were _easy_."

"Shut up!"

"It's the truth! He's my brother, you remember? He's got the cute sensitive thing going on. He can get 'em real easy. He saw you and knew it wouldn't be much of a fight to get you to drop your panties."

"That's not true."

"You were just another call girl. You want me to list out all the lies he's told you?"

"You told him to lie!" she shouts. "He told me you made him lie to me just like you lied to Danni!"

There's a corner just feet away from her. She runs to it before I even move towards her. I don't charge. It could have scared her into a scream. I calmly walked over to her, putting my hand against the wall and trapping her there.

Her breath is so heavy that it heats up my face. She trembles the more I glare at her. She doesn't seem so tough now. She's afraid of me. She's afraid just like she should be.

"He may not have been in the driver's seat that killed that Soc, but he was right there in the passenger side, all ready for what would happen if ole Sammy boy didn't die right away. And you know what - he finished the job. You think_ I_ lied? Just ask him why he came to Tulsa in the first place, then we'll talk."

As I walk back down the hallway, I hear her faint silent cries. The sooner she realizes that love with a Winston is never what it seems, the better. It always ends. It's never real for long. There are always lies. It's in our blood.

"Everyone hates you!" she shouts down the hall. She fights off her tears as she screams, "Everyone in this town hates you, Dallas Winston! Why don't you just get out and do us all a huge favor?"

Outside it's calm and warm at the same time. There's a gust that comes and blows my face and the smoke from my cigarette. I sit and listen to the dogs bark. I'm drunk and high...and I don't really give a shit about much.

The Mathews keep a baseball bat by their door. Two's mom uses it when he's not around for safety. Tonight, it's going to be used for something useful instead of a door holder.

The metal base skids on the street as I pull it along behind me. It's a far walk, but time moves faster this way.

There's a blue 1966 DeVille in the driveway. No one knows where the money came from but I do. It's where all the money comes from. He feeds it into us as a reward or to make sure that we know he has full control. We're like his piggy banks and soon he's doing to smash us all open and collect and then throw away the pieces so no one can find them. He uses money as a pawn in this big game he just can't give up and keeps playing until he dies or kills everyone off.

Thing is: I don't like to be controlled...and I don't like to lose.

The windows shatter, almost not making a sound. The headlights pop just as easily. As I swing the bat, I make sure to put more power into every hit. The metal bends, dents are made, every glass is broken. This isn't the first time I've torn apart a car, but it is the first time I've made sure nothing's left.

No one's around as I stand and breathe.

The keys are in the car on the floor. I can see them from here. The car can still run. A car like this isn't registered so it'd be hard to find someone who was skipping states and parole. A little polish here and there and she'll be just as good as new in the morning. There's a hotel in Texas just an hour or two away with cheap rates and a job as a handy man.

I run my fingers over the keys and sit in the driver's seat. My hands reach to start it up, but they pull back.

This isn't how this story is supposed to go. I fixed it once, and I should have fixed it again back with Sam. Without a doubt, I'm not playing with someone from Tulsa. New York produces gold and we all fight until death.

I've ran before. I've ran my whole life from Maggot. Cowards run though.

That's also something I'm not.

I sling the bat over my shoulder and head down the cold streets of Tulsa. They forget, I'm from New York, and I know how to win at this game. I invented it.

I'll triumph. My time will come and I'll shut it all down. It's all about how you play the game...and I'm ready to check in.

_I want you to know, I want you to see. I want you to look beyond your own eyes. Past your afflictions. I want you to hurt, want you to bleed. I want you to look beyond your own face. Past your infections. I'm taking back control with my knuckles. I'm taking back control with my knuckles._

* * *

**A/N: **I apologize for the delay and lack of excitement through this chapter. It's not one of my favorites. The next few chapters should be a little bit more action packed.

Thank you for reading a please leave a review!


	26. Snowball Runing

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the Outsiders or the song "Make Me Wanna Die".

**A/N: **This is one of my favorite songs of all time so please read the lyrics.

* * *

_Take me, I'm alive. Never was a girl with a wicked mind. But everything looks better when the sun goes down. I had everything. Opportunities for eternity. And I could belong to the night. Your eyes, your eyes. I can see in your eyes, your eyes._

Kathy has obsessive cooking disorder. It's every day now. When I wake up in the morning, I smell pancakes or eggs or bacon or all three. She packs our lunches every day. All three of us. She always leaves a napkin that says something sweet on it and lays it on the desert. When I come home from school, it smells like cookies. Tonight, it smells like pot roast.

Soda says he thinks it's just something she does to keep busy and not to say anything about it. None of us are complaining about it. Well, Pony's jeans don't fit anymore but other than that, it feels a little more like home this way.

"How was school today?" she asks.

I'm sitting at the table cutting up the carrots that are going with the roast. It's my job to do the small things. "Same old. Well, some kids set the bathroom on fire by smoking weed."

"Did they get it out?"

I nod, slicing another carrot. "Yeah. The whole lower level smelled like pot all day though."

Also when Kathy cooks, she listens to the radio. Tonight, it's her favorite - Johnny Cash. As she cuts up the potato she sways back and forth with a small smile as she sings along.

Even with the light mood, her dark circles and bags are standing out. Her smile isn't as big as it should be and she's not full out dancing like normal. She's been this way for weeks. Kathy is twenty-two. She looks more like thirty-two.

"Damn, what's that smell?" Soda comes in through the kitchen door, Pony behind him. Soda leans over the stove. "Sweet, beef! You gonna eat it Kat?" He jabs her in the side and laughs.

Kathy has a salad made beside her. Kathy worked at her grandfather's butcher shop as a kid. She doesn't eat meat.

"Shut-up, smelly. You stink."

"I can take a plate over to Dar tonight." Soda goes and starts a shower. He tosses his shirt in the hamper as he comes back into the room.

"If you wanna see him we can both go over there. I haven't seen him today either."

Soda nods and then goes back into the bathroom and shuts the door. Steams leaks out of the bottom crack of the door.

Pony's leaning against the counter eating an apple and watching Kathy cook. He's been quiet for a few days. I always thought it was because Darry yelled at him real bad. It started when report cards came out. Every parent has to sign and Pony pawned it off on Soda, hoping to skip the lecture.

Soda didn't look at it much when he signed it because it was morning and he was trying to find clean socks. It wasn't until a day or two later when Darry asked about it. Pony told him everything was fine but then Darry saw a failing grade inside Pony's book and called his teachers.

He was far from pleased. It's the maddest I've seen him since he got sick. He's been on these pills that calm his nerves and he's hardly raised his voice once. His heart monitor was going crazy and Kathy kept yelling at him but he didn't stop and then Pony started yelling and then started crying and left.

"No plans tonight?" Kathy twirls around and faces me. She smiles to show that she's trying.

I shake my head and chop the head off a carrot. "Work."

"After?"

"I sound like a loser telling you that I don't have plans on a Friday night."

She shrugs and throws some potatoes into the pot. "What about Peter? You haven't talked about him in a while. What's he doing tonight? Maybe he'd like to come see Darry with you after you get off."

I haven't told anyone what happened with Peter. I've sworn Jennie to secrecy. I'd tell Sarah, but, I don't want to. My mind has been on other things beside Peter anyway. The night after I talked to Sylvia, I got out one of my old journals and starting writing down things - everything I knew about Dale and Dally and Maggot and Sam.

I came up with nothing...again. Maybe I wasn't asking the right questions - or the right people.

"When are you heading to work?" Soda asks once he returns. He takes a seat next to me at the table.

"I've got the dinner and closing shift."

"We can drop you off before we go to the hospital," Kathy says. "Pony are you going with us?"

Pony shrugs and slips out of the room. He's only been to the hospital once since the fight and didn't want to go then but all of us had to go because we were meeting with the doctor and Soda drug him.

Soda sighs as he watches Pony fade back to his bedroom. "Teenage years are hitting hard."

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"I never wanted him to get that job," he groans as he gets up to get a soda out of the fridge. "It's a girl."

Soda's good at reading people. His best subjects are us. He always knows what's going on without even talking to one of us. It's the same for his friends too. He can see emotions and signals we can't.

"What girl?" Kathy's paying attention now too. She's stopped cooking and joined in.

The can hisses as the cap falls off. "He won't tell me. He won't talk to me at all actually. I don't know if I did something wrong. I guess the whole report card thing maybe. I dunno. I wouldn't worry. He'll be ok."

Kathy goes back to cooking and Soda goes into the living room to take a load off and watch some TV before dinner. I stay in the kitchen, silently listening to Johnny Cash, and thinking.

"What's wrong?"

Pony's lying on the bed, flipping through a comic. He got Darry's old radio for Christmas and he's drowning out Johnny Cash with "Monday, Monday" by Mamas and Papas. It smells like boy in his room and rotten food. His room has never smelt this way. It smells like old books and peppermint. I look around to make sure it's not Soda's room.

He jingles his food on his knee, still reading and pretending as if I'm not there. "What's wrong with _you_?"

"Nothing."

His eyes go over the top of the comic. "Really?"

"Yeah. Your turn."

He folds the magazine up and stares at me. "Do you remember when we were little and we had that Thanksgiving where the whole gang came and Mom made the biggest meal ever?"

I nod, getting comfortable by leaning against his dresser. It's sticky.

"Remember that Dally came late and we all had to wait on him? Then we finally got to eat and then you brought out the desert you made. He took a bite of it and spit it out all over you and said it was horrible and you got really mad."

I slowly nod again. It was the Thanksgiving of 1963. It was one that I remember really well.

"Remember how you two starting fighting? You starting shouting at him and Mom kept trying to get you to stop but you were really red faced and Dally was just smirking. Then you said something - something really mean and Dad hit the table really loud and scared everyone. Then he told you to leave and you started crying."

Something else Pony didn't mention was that was a few days before I became a woman. Mom said that that explained why I was angry and emotional but I still thought I had a right to be angry. I still do.

"Yeah, I remember. Why?"

"Dad never hit you that day, did he?"

My dad had threatened to 'hit' all of us at some point but never did. He was very gentle and we all knew he couldn't bring himself to do it. "No. He never hit any of us. Why?"

He shrugs. "I just always wondered because he hit Darry once."

"No he didn't."

He nods slightly. "Darry told me. It was when he was a freshman and had just made the Varsity football team. It was when Dad had that job at the plant and he had to work late a lot."

Dad used to get really stressed about that job. It was first come first served as opposed to hours. It took a lot out of him and he didn't talk a lot but when he did, he mostly yelled and then slept for a long time.

"He came home at two a.m. one night and found Darry's report-card. He woke Darry up to talk to him but Darry barked at him and actually_ shoved_ him away."

Darry's first year in high school wasn't his best time. My mom always called it his teenage years because it was the only year he acted like a big fat jerk. He stopped once he became a sophomore but it was still hard to live with him.

"Darry said he used the belt on him and then screamed at him that if he grades didn't go up that he'd do it again. Darry said it scared him because he'd never seen him be so mean and mad. He just sat there and cried."

Darry hardly cried even back then. It was hard to believe that he actually told Pony that he did.

Ponyboy clears his throat. "After that, Dad came up to Darry's room the next night. He talked really soft like he was did when he was sad. He told Darry he was so sorry for hitting him. He just wanted him to have a better life than he did and go to college so he wouldn't have to work like him or Mom.

"He said that he had vowed to never hit his kids because his dad hit him and his mom and his sisters a lot. A _whole_ lot. Then he started to cry and Darry told him it was ok. Dad said that he wouldn't hit any of us again and if he tried to hit us or Soda that Darry had to stop him."

I never knew that. Neither one of my parents talked about their childhood. I don't think any of us did. We knew it was bad enough not to mention so we never did. I saw my mom cry a few times when we asked why we didn't have grandparents.

I sit on the end of his bed by his feet. "What's your point, Pone?"

"Have you ever thought about how lucky we were? To no have parents who hit us?"

I had. We all did every time we saw Johnny after one of his dad's off days.

"Jennie's dad hit her a lot, didn't he? That's why she took her sister and ran?"

There was more to it than that. Only Soda and I know about Jennie's childhood. I only know pieces but Soda knows everything. He never talks about it and neither does Jennie. They both get really sad though when someone brings it up.

I nod a little. "Yeah."

"A lot of people hit their kids...I don't understand how you could ever do that and I don't have kids. A lot of kids from our neighborhood have parents who hit them. A lot of them are bad kids. I think that's why they're bad. They see their parents hit them so they think it's ok to hit others. I think that's why we turned out good. Dally's dad hit him. He hit Ronnie too."

I don't ask how he knows that. I should have but I didn't.

"I think that's why he's the way he is. I've been thinking about him and his friends that he hangs out with. They all had really bad childhoods but some people turn out differently. Sarah's mom hit her a whole lot too."

And there it is - the reason why.

I lick my lips. Then the sun hits on us and something glows. "Pony where'd you get that necklace?"

"What?"

I reach out and touch it. The silver metal is smooth and cold. I run my hand over the charm, the edges from the cross jabbing into my fingers. "Peter has one just like it...and so did Dally...and so does someone else I know."

I think back a few nights before. The night in the room with Dale and Peter and all that smoke. The smile on Dale's face. The way he looked at me and what he was dragging back and forth around his neck.

He jerks away, letting the necklace fall back down on his neck. He doesn't answer right away. It's like he's thinking of a good lie when it just comes out - "Sarah and I are dating."

I breathe out slowly. The song on the radio pauses and there's the faint sound of Johnny Cash from downstairs. I can hear Jennie turning off the oven and Soda setting the table and then a new song comes back on.

"Did you hear me?" He leans forward so he's closer to me. "Danni?"

I stand up. I don't go anywhere. I just stand there and think as Johnny Cash and Mamas and Papas blares.

_"Side people? So Dale?"_

_She shrugs again as the smoke runs out of her mouth. "Like I said, I only know what I know. If I were guessing, I'd say yes, but then again, I'm just guessing."_

_"I don't know much. He's a bad guy. His crew has been around for a long time. He was handed down the business but he made it grow. His partner in crime, well, you know him well - Dally. Or so they were partners at one time. Maybe they still are. There is something going on we don't know about."_

_I get in closer so I won't miss anything. "What happened? Who is this guy everyone keeps talking about?"_

_"I don't know. I do know what Maggot says, goes. I know he's the reason Dally got arrested at ten and sent down here. And I know he has a lot to do with to do the murder of Dally's mother."_

There is something going on that we don't know about. Maybe I wasn't asking the right questions - or the right_ people._

"I've...I've got to go to work."

The bed creeks as Pony gets up. He follows after me, yelling, "Danni! Danni wait! Danni!"

* * *

"Danni!"

"Go away!"

I can hear his footsteps as he runs to catch up to me. "Danni just talk to me, alright. I just wanna talk!"

"I said go away Peter!"

I pick up my feet instead of dragging them. I do my best to cross the street and get over to the Dingo that's in sight. It was so close. All I had to do was walk, or run, a little fast. Somehow, I knew I would be late to work today.

Peter clutches my shoulders, jolting me and pulling me into the alleyway. He holds his tight clasp on me until he can get me corner between two set of walls. It's warm and sticky and smells like feet.

His eyes glare down on me. They're dark and chilling. "Talk to me! What is your problem? I've been calling you for days. Why won't you talk to me? What...What did I do to make you so angry?"

His arm clenches me so I can't escape. "Nothing." I shake my head and try to get away. "It's not you, Peter. It's me."

"Oh, that's original." He smashes his hand near my face to show that he's not letting me go.

"What do you want me to say?" I question. "I'm sorry. I really am but this just isn't working."

His eyes go big and he grimaces tightly. "What do you mean? Everything was fine! You told me you wanted to have sex! It's not like I tried to rape you. _You_ ran off, Danni. I should be angry with _you_."

"With_ me_?" I ask, appalled. "You should be angry with me because I wouldn't have sex with you?"

"You're my girlfriend! I don't see the problem. You had sex with Dally so freely and I've heard others."

I can feel my heart beat through my chest as the anger starts to surplus. "Is that the only reason why you dated me? You thought I was _easy_? And who's told you this? Dale?"

He rolls his head back, grumbling and partially laughing at the same time. "What is this thing you have with Dale?"

"He's a bad guy," I say plainly. "I've heard things too. Why are you friends with him, Peter? Tell me the truth."

He looks down at the ground and shakes his head. I can feel the heat from his fists beside my head. I can feel how fast his heart is beating and I can see the look on his face that tells me he's on the verge of exploding.

And I'm in the way.

"You're _crazy_. You're my girlfriend, damnit!" He hits the wall again. "You listen to me!"

"I _was_ your girlfriend," I say softly but forceful. "We're done. _I'm_ done."

The look on his is a scrunched up ball of anger and I can see every vein pop out of his skin. His muscles explode and he looks like a monstrous villain in a comic. He's a volcano, smoking at the roots.

He breathes and breathes and I want him to stop because I'm late and I'm alone.

Then he stops and begins to slowly speak, "It's him isn't it? It's because of Dally."

"No," I say sternly. "It's because of you and it's because of me. I'm sorry, ok? I really do like you and I really did love you in a way but it's just that I'm not ready for this. I thought I was but I'm not."

"I don't believe you."

I look down the stretch of endless brick, planning my run. "Get off me."

He tightens his grip on my arm. He squeezes it the more he digs closer into my face and that look returns. "This is really how you're gonna play me? After everything I did for you!"

"Let me go!"

He smashes the wall again only this time there's more anger and momentum surrounding the fist. I'm not expecting it as much this time and I can feel the wind hit my cheek. I close my eyes and mentally push him away. Just enough for me to leave.

"Peter, let me go, now."

"You're not going anywhere until we talk."

"We're done talking."

"Not until I say so."

"I'll scream," I warn, already preparing my lungs.

Then, at that very moment, I recognize where I've seen this looks before. I've seen this anger before. I've seen this person before. This is Jeff. This is Dale. This isn't Peter. Not the one I knew. But the real Peter coming out.

There's the sound of heavy feet hitting puddles of water. There's the sound of a thick voice, "Why can't we all just play nice now, kids?"

"Dally?"

Peter looks from me to him, his eyes getting extensive again. "This is Dally?" Back to Dally. "_You're_ Dallas Winston?"

Dally smirks and continues his stride over to us. "Why don't we leave the pretty girl alone, Pete?"

"Go away," I growl but he doesn't move. He doesn't even hear me because he and Peter are having their own conversation that I'm not invited to. There's something missing that I don't know about.

Peter presses his eyebrows together. "But you said your name was Huston!"

"He lies," I hiss. I stare at Dally. "You were checking him out, weren't you?"

He shrugs and pulls out a fresh cigarette. He lets it dangle in-between his lips before he lights it and puffs out a big cloud of smoke. "Nah. Just making new friends."

"We're not friends," Peter snarls. "We're having a conversation. Leave."

"No." Peter isn't so strong now that Dally's here and I'm able to throw his arm down. "_We're_ done talking."

Dally props up against the wall beside me. "Think she wants you to leave, Pete."

"Stop calling me that!" he howls out like a small child. "This is none of your business! I know what she wants better than you do. I'm not the bad guy here! He's the bad one!" He points to Dally and looks at me. "Tell _him_ to leave!"

I cross my arms over my chest. I look to Dally and then to ground. "Leave, Peter."

He gapes at me, hoping I'll retract my statement but I don't. I just look at my shoes and the black scuff marks. "Danni!"

"Unless you want to go limping out of here with your skull mashed open, I'd leave now," Dally says.

Peter doesn't leave right away. He looks back and forth between us as if he's trying to figure out some math problem. Then he shakes his head and balls up his fists. "You're a bitch." Then he walks away.

Dally takes a strong step towards him. "What was that, pep squeak?"

"Let him go," I say with a shrug.

It's just us two now. Dally focuses on his cigarette and on the end of the alley. He makes sure Peter's gone before he takes another puff. He's grown some in the face since I've seen him. I don't know if it's from not sleeping or work or just that he's getting older like the rest of us.

"Well don't you just always show up at the right moments?" I break the awkward silence over us.

He winks. "It's a gift."

"Sure."

"Just call me batman, sweets."

I roll my eyes. I pick my bag up from the ground and throw it over my shoulder and start to walk down the way. "I didn't need your help, alright? I had the situation under control."

He sneers. "Didn't look that way from my angle."

"Well I did."

"Ok."

"Ok."

I turn my back and I'm ready to go but instead, I turn back around. "I know about Dale...and Maggot."

He doesn't seem surprised, like he already knew that or suspected it. "And?"

"Is that who you're really like? Some guy in a gang with guns and knives, just killing people for no reason? Because I know you're not. And I've been thinking about it a lot, and I don't know why you did what you did or why you're doing it now, but this isn't who you are. I know you and you're not like Dale."

He smokes like a train and he stares. His eyes aren't dark and they're not cold and angry. They're beautiful and I've missed the way they glow. He stares at me and I remember the way he used to look at me with those beautiful big blue eyes.

He slowly puts out his stick and walks towards me. "You're little boy - you don't know him very well, do you? Instead of checking on me, you should've checked on him."

"Why is that?"

"He's Dale's right hand man. He's been with him for two years. He does all of Dale's work. He's the most trusted soldier of the group. Always doing what Sargent Dale wants and not questioning anything. So instead of checking on me, someone who you hate, check on your boy's real motives in dating you."

There's a burning in the back of my throat. That feeling you get when you feel like you're about to cry but you hold it back and you can't open your mouth to let out a sob because you're hiding it. You're only crying in your head and throat.

"Yeah, how's that for a pill to swallow?"

I swallow over and over again, trying to say something but I can't think of anything so I say: "I hate you."

"I've heard."

"I really hate you. I hate the way you're always here. I hate that you won't leave me alone. I hate your eyes and your big fat face and the way you smirk and the way you smile. I hate everything about you!"

And this time, I actually walk away. This isn't the first time I've walked away from Dally after getting in the last word, but it's the first time I keep replaying those words over and over again.

_I really hate you. I hate the way you're always here. I hate that you won't leave me alone. I hate you're eyes and you're big fat face and the way you smirk and the way you smile. I hate everything about you!_

But mostly, I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close.

_Everything in your eyes, your eyes, you make me wanna die. I'll never be good enough. You make me wanna die. And everything you love will burn up in the light. And every time I look inside your eyes (Burning in the light). Make me wanna die._

* * *

**A/N: **Someone very close to my heart passed away last week. A friend of mine whom I grew up with and who was just sixteen. He lost his battle with cancer after two_ long_ years. Please pray for me and my town as we all get through this tough time. Thank you.

Have a great Thanksgiving everyone!


	27. I'll Lie

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the _Outsiders_ or the song "How Do I Breathe?"

* * *

_It feels so different being here. I was so used to being next to you. Life for me is not the same, there's no one to talk to. I don't know why I let it go too far, starting over it's so hard. Seems like everywhere I try to go I keep thinking of you._

I'm on my fifth beer. It may be sixth. I'm not counting.

Carmen's here with some college boy with a fake accent and a gold tooth. She won't look at me.

Tim is in the kitchen playing poker with Tiffany holding his balls. They're both winning.

Two-Bit found a girl and took her upstairs. They're practically dating.

Sylvia isn't drunk and she's cooking peanut-butter cookies in the kitchen.

Where did everyone fucking go?

I remember coming to Buck's famous parties. Me and the boys. It turned into an every Friday night thing. Back in the day, Darry used to join us and then Pony took his place after the roles switched.

Steve's married now.

Soda's pretty much a family man, what with practically being married to that broad and her sister and having a full time job.

Darry's bed ridden. Soon to be sitting on his ass for the rest of his life.

Two-Bit is in _college. _It's wrong to even say in my head.

Johnny is M.I.A.

Pony is...

here.

I don't ask. I don't want to. The kid is probably bored now that his house is always empty and the hospital scene isn't really his type of place. Not to mention that fact that his only friend is gone and pissed at him.

"Dallas! A word! Now!"

_Fuck_.

When he rounds the corner with that thick baby face and that frowning pissed face that only a toddler would have, I laugh. "You know, for a second, I was actually worried."

"We need to have a conversation."

I take another sip of beer and then another. "About?"

"Danni."

"Oh this should be thrilling! Shall we go sit in the living area or perhaps the dining area? It's such a hard decision. Both have such great art work but the living area feels quite refreshing, wouldn't you say, Pete?"

His little soft hands go into fists. "Cut the shit." He leads the way into the living room and to an area where no one is at.

Tim is still at the table, pushing in his cards. I catch his eye and wink.

"I wasn't going to hit her you know?"

I press my eyebrows together. "Who?"

"Danni!"

"Oh, her."

He sighs and lowers his blood pressure to a healthy level. "Yeah. I'm not like that, ok? I would never. That was _our_ conversation though and you had no business sticking your fat nose into it. It had nothing to do with you."

I raise my hand to my face. "You think my nose is fat?"

"She hates you," he goes on. "She told me that a million times. She told me she doesn't know what she ever saw in you. _I_ saved her because _you_ broke her. Don't act like you have some goddamn claim on her because you had her once. You threw her away. I found her and fixed her. She's mine now."

Tim is keeping an eye this way. "Finders keeper's loser's weepers? C'mon, Pete. We're adults here...well, I am anyway."

"You were in jail when we met. What kind of guy are you? She told me all that stuff you've done. You're a bum."

I lick my lips over because my beer is gone and I really need one right about now. "You don't know me, kid. But I sure as hell know you. I've been you. You think those people you call friends give two shits about you? They're using you, just like you're using her. Or used. Whatever. Look in the fucking mirror before you judge _me_."

His eyes go a little wide and he stopped listening mid-sentence. "I used Danni? I never used anyone. I don't know what you're talking about."

"Sure you don't."

"I don't! I met Danni in Florida just by accident. What...You think I dated her for some sick reason?"

I roll my eyes. Tiffany has her eyes on us now and she's standing up straight.

I get closer and growl lowly, "I know you're buddies are here somewhere, watching you. Let's cut the shit and talk like men since you're so eager to be one."

"Buddies? Who are you talking about?"

I rub my face. I forget I'm dealing with a sixteen year old. "Listen kid, just leave me alone. Got it?"

I half expected him to follow after me as I turned around. I was just exhausted enough to have hope that he wouldn't. "We're not done talking. Hey, come back here!"

I stop but not for the reasons you think. "Spread the word and listen up. Stay away from Ponyboy Curtis. I will take all of you down if I hear anything, and I mean _anything_, about you talking to him again. Got me?"

"I'm not scared of you," he hisses all powerful and mighty.

I smirk just the same. "You should be."

* * *

She smells like candies all the time. Not the good kid either. The kind your grandma handed out to you every Sunday afternoon when you'd go visit. The ones you'd pretend to eat but they tasted like spoiled cough syrup.

"Why aren't you drinking?"

She recrosses her legs. She does every five minutes. I've kept track. "Not thirsty." She runs her hands through her tiny little purse until she finds her cigarettes.

She gives me one, reaching over to light it.

I can see down her shit. "My mother always told me that if you give someone a cigarette, you light there's first, then your own. It's good manners. Your mom ever teach you manners?"

I sneer, taking in the smoke and letting it out through my nose. "Nah. My momma wasn't a country club whore."

"No," she says, putting her cigarette close to her mouth. "She was just a whore."

Sylvia and I have history. I never thought about why I always went back to her when I was a kid. It was just that every time I got out of jail or came back from New York, there she was legs and all.

She's gotten better and I think I'm happy about that. Happy that she's starting to move in life a little and we can have conversations like we used to. Maybe she'll find a guy she can actually date. Someone not like me. Someone that's _not_ me.

"How's your brother?"

I prop up my leg. Her fags are always the best. I don't ask why. I know why. "How many pills you take now?"

"Three in the morning and two at night," she says and she smiles weirdly. "They're not strong. They don't give strong pills to people like me and you. They just give us the standard and hope we don't take it further."

There are a lot of people like us here. I don't say greasers because we aren't. I was but not anymore. Sylvia was and she's almost there again but not at the moment. We've fallen below.

"See any guys you like?"

She shakes her head. "I've been thinking about becoming a nun."

"You're not a virgin."

"I can be reborn. I had a lot of time to think while I was away. I was so excited to come back and pick up where I left off but things aren't like they were anymore. No one's the same. Not me and not you. So I've thought about things."

I take a drag. "Like?"

"Everyone needs saving. I need saving sometimes still. I want to save people, Dally. I don't know how but I just want to save one life, then I think I can die. I kinda want to die sometimes. Not because I'm sad. But because I feel like I'm needed elsewhere and I think if I save someone, my work will be done and I can just die."

I hold the smoke in through her whole speech. I slowly let it out now. "That's fucked up, Syl."

She turns to me and she doesn't frown or scowl or scream. She just smiles really big. "Aren't we all a little fucked up?"

* * *

The wallpaper's green with stripes. It's peeling from the corners and bottom. In the living room on the side of the sofa, you can see artwork left by Buck when he was a kid. Not many people know that this place was always a bar. He grew up here and sure, he didn't take over what his father built but everyone still comes just like they always have.

No one knows what happened to Buck's parents. No one asks. If you saw Buck, you wouldn't either.

He doesn't know what day it is anymore so you're not going to get a real answer anymore.

The crowd dies at this hour - or so it seems. The bedrooms fill upstairs and there's less down stairs. There are still a few that are still trying to get drunker and dancing and hunting for the right male or female.

The music is slower though and the weed has already been broken up. Most of the people in this house look like lifeless corpses, just letting their bodies think rather than their brains.

I search across the living room through the dancers. There's a kid there, about sixteen or seventeen. Maybe eighteen.

He's on a girl. One he's not supposed to be with but this girl is rubbing his chest a whispering in his ear. She's got the buttons on her blouse down to just two and she's not wearing a bra.

With heels she's taller than him so her chest comes straight to his nose when she bends over and whispers in his ear.

The guy she was with is passed out on the rocking chair in the corner. Red vomit has stained his black leather jacket and some still drips from his chin. No one notices but me. They dance around him.

"What are you doing?"

The both look up and stare. His eyes get big but hers don't. She scowls but smiles at the same time. Her dark catlike eyes pierce through me and I can see her fangs shooting from her gums.

"I asked you a question."

There's no response but she turns back around and watches him. "You know where I'll be."

She struts across the room, pointing her chest out and stretching out tall.

"What is this?" I reach across and grab the thing dangling down his naked chest. I rip so it breaks. "Well?"

"You wear one," he says quickly. "I-I...it was a gift."

"I know it was a fucking gift!" I say, throwing it towards the nearest corpse. "I know who you got it from too. Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't I tell you to stay away from this? From them!"

He frowns a little, pressing his eyebrows together. "You're wearing the same necklace. I can see it."

"That's not the point," I growl. "Do you even know these people? What they do? And what about Carmen? Weren't you just after that one chick? The one your broke up your friendship for? What happened to her?"

He doesn't back down, his eyes angry. "We're dating."

"Oh." I laugh and shake my head. "I'm sure she'd love to see what I just saw."

He bumps shoulders with me and hisses. "Leave me alone, Dallas."

"Hey!" I jerk him around, pulling him by his slim bony shoulder and spinning him so he faces me.

The fact that I do without even thinking says a lot I think. The fact that I can just do it without thinking of a consequence or what I'm really doing or whom it'll hurt or what will happen afterwards. Doesn't that go the same for serial killers? They have no conscience, that's why they do the things they do. They don't think. They just act.

It's what I've been taught. It's what I've been trained...And it's coming back out again.

Blood drips from his nose as he bends over and collects the liquid in his hand. "What was that for!?"

"I told you what would happen if I caught you with Dale." I'm not screaming or raising my voice. I'm calm and I'm collected and I'm just speaking like a normal person. "Get up."

He does what he's told this time. It takes some effort and his nose is still dripping.

"You're done. I won't question next time. I'll go straight to your brother. The older one. You can explain to him why you're in a gang like Dale's. I'm sure that'll be a nice conversation. Don't you?"

He doesn't say anything. He pinches his nose and holds it up. A bruise is starting to form.

I walk across the room and over to the never ending poker game. I say a few words to Tim and get what I need and head back over to where the kid still stands, watching.

"C'mon."

* * *

He doesn't say much on the ride home. Just to ask to put the window down. His face is still red and it's turning a nice shade of blue. It was more of a love tap. Just enough to get the point across and to make sure he does what's he's told.

"That's it?" I ask as he jumps out of the car. "'Oh, thank you so very much for the ride, Dally. I know how you wanted to stay and how hard it was for you to get the car from Tim. You have my dying gratitude.'"

He slams the door and I get out. I'm not sure what I'll do. Probably nothing, but I go after him anyway.

And there she is. In the window.

The white lace drapes are pulled to the side. Just enough for her to see out. She's in her night clothes. Her hair pulled up in bun. She watches, either not noticing that we notice her, or not caring.

"Don't do anything stupid," I warn. "I'll be back."

"Yeah, sure."

Then she comes out and it smells like berries. The ends of her hair are wet. She's just been out of the shower. Her sent is overwhelming and I take a few steps back, heading back home.

She examines him like a little mother. She asks questions - a lot them (Doesn't she always?). He shoves her away, not answering a single one or speaking and she's left with a disappointing look and another rip in her heart that her brother no longer wants to talk to his sister about his problems.

Her shoulders slump back as she takes a deep breath and exhales. She's aged. I doubt she's noticed that all the worry and stress shows in her face and body.

I turn on my heel and slump my hands in my jacket pockets. Work's going to call at seven tomorrow.

"Dally..." The sound of her feet hitting the pavement comes.

I stop and slowly turn. She doesn't finish. As if it was a sentence in the first place.

She blinks a few times before breaking eye-contact and looking down at her bare feet and then back up again. She tucks a loose piece of hair behind her ear and stammers, "T-Thank you. For bringing him home."

I give her a small tilt of the head. I don't turn around right away. She acts like she wants to say more, ask how things are, but we both know she won't. We both know I should ask about Darry but I don't.

And we both stand there, our eyes locked but neither one of us says a simple word. We never will. We're too close to the same kind and there's too much to be asked and too little to be told.

She looks young and I start to remember the first time I saw her. Not when we were eight, but when she was fifteen.

Nothing's changed.

But everything's different.

Neither of us says a word as I turn around and walk to the car, dogs barking after me. I can still feel her behind me but I don't turn around and she doesn't shout out.

This is the way it is. This is the way it always will be.

I pull the chain from my neck. The beads break like glass and it sits into the palm of my hand until I drop it. I place the toe of my boot and press it into the ground.

I'm really on my own.

_How do I breathe without you here by my side? How will I see when your love brought me to the light? Where do I go when your heart's where I lay my head? When you're not with me, how do I breathe, how do I breathe?_

* * *

**A/N: **Thank you all so very much for the reviews. They mean more than you know.

Thank you for reading and please review!


	28. Turn a Little Faster

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the _Outsiders_ or the song "Nothing Left to Lose".

* * *

_Late night sex, smokin' cigarettes. I try real hard but I can't forget. Now in a heartbeat, I would do it all again. Now I see that you and me were never meant. Never meant to be now. Now I'm lost somewhere. Lost between Elvis and suicide. Ever since the day we died, well. I've got nothing left to lose._

"We have made all the arrangements for next Wednesday at eight."

Soda's hands are folded together and his legs crossed and he has out a note pad. He scribes down every word the doctor says, whether it's important or not. "Is he going to eat before?"

I'd imagine this wasn't what Soda was like in school or maybe he wouldn't have dropped out when he did. This is something that matters to him and school just didn't. It's understandable that he'd do extreme measures. He's learned from the best.

"I just read that they fast the patients before surgery. I was just wondering because, you see, my brother, he eats a lot. Even now. You should have seen him before. Guy was like a truck."

The doctor is a nice guy. He likes Soda a lot. His name is Jim and he's fifty and he has nice brown hair and a beard. "Your point, Sodapop?"

Soda's been doing all kinds of research at the library. I'm not sure he's ever been in one before. He brings home more books now that Pony ever did. I don't see how he finds time to read, but then again, Soda has never slept much.

"I just don't want him to get too hungry."

Jim flashes his perfectly white teeth and sneers. "He'll be fine, Soda. We'll make sure Darrel isn't hungry."

Jennie is with us. She asked off on Wednesday and today. She's more of an observer.

Kathy clears her throat and leans forward. "What are the risks exactly, Doctor? Can you go over those again?"

"There are risks with every surgery," he says. "A friend of mine is doing the operation and I have full confidence in him. Darry is a strong patient but I do want to warn you that there is a chance."

There's a chance. He doesn't have to say of what. I don't think doctors say that word unless it's at the end of the line.

"What about his leg?" This is Ponyboy.

Jim scratches his beard and sighs a little. "A large portion of the leg is coming out. There isn't any possibility he will ever use that leg again or even walk. He'll have to do a lot of work once the surgery is over to help build some muscle back but he'll be in a wheelchair for most of his life."

It's funny to hear that. Darry's never had a problem with lack of muscles. When he was a baby, he had the same size arms and a hard chest. Well, that may be exaggerating a little but can you even picture Darry as a little boy?

"What is your theory?" Soda asks. "Honestly, do you think Darry's going to be ok on Wednesday?"

We all look up and watch the pause and the head shake. "We're just not sure. Just like any surgery, there are risks. I don't want to tell you he'll be fine but I don't want you to worry too much."

Some social workers came by yesterday. The talked to Soda alone though Pony and I could hear every word:

"They're turning seventeen in two weeks. I'm nineteen. That's how old Darry was."

"Seventeen is not legal. They are still under state control. We granted Darry Curtis custody. Not Sodapop Curtis. Now you can apply for legal guardianship but I'm just going to be blunt, the court is not going to give two teenagers to another teenager who works at a gas station."

"I make good money. Since they're seventeen they should be treated more like adults. Wouldn't it be easier for me to get custody?"

"Not in this state."

"They're not going into some home. I won't let that happen."

"Then we'll see you in court."

It's funny to me how there was no "if" in that conversation. What _if _Darry lives and is fine and this is just a pointless conversation? What_ if_ Darry lives to be one-hundred and marries Kathy and we all live happily ever after?

They know as well as the rest of us though, there is never a happily ever after.

Soda has worried himself physically sick. He's averaging four hours a night. He won't tell us all the details of what the doctors have told him. Like the fact of how Darry is going to fix roofs when he's in a wheelchair or who is going to hire a man with no college education and can't walk.

Kathy gets up and gets coffee and I follow her and we sit on the bench outside.

"You know Darry keeps asking questions." Her voice is soft; like half of her wants me to hear her and the other half is still fighting for her to keep quiet. "'What do you think it is? How come you're not fat?'"

I switch sides so I face her. She stares mindlessly at the ceiling like she's searching for something. "What are you gonna say when the time comes to confess?"

She shrugs. "I'm telling him after the surgery. I don't want him to be angry beforehand." I'm sure she's thought of that moment a million times. She just can't bring herself to think the best. "I want a family with him."

"He does too," I tell her. "Once he gets over the shock of this and all."

"Yeah, sure," she says. "I've pictured my life with Darry. I've already named our kids." She laughs as she sips on the edge of her coffee cup. "I can see myself having kids with him."

"Yeah, I recall thinking the same thing about Dally too."

She doesn't know quite what to say. It's like I've insulted her. It says: I pictured the same thing too and look where it got me. And she's quiet and I just leave without saying anything else.

* * *

It doesn't stop. It's every day now. There's a thought every day and I fight it so hard but it never works. I could pick up the phone and ask everything I want to know but I can't bring myself to call so that's how I ended up here. Maybe here I can't stop with the questions and thoughts and breathe a little.

But I know better than to numb my thoughts so the questions return.

What about Peter? I don't want to know the answer. Dally lies, I've gotten used to that.

There's more going on and I know now. I could ask Dale. I can smell him sitting in the next room but my stomach twists just with the thought. One of his goons may tell me. I'm sure they're not hard to crack.

There's one right now beside me with a joint and he's offering it to me.

"I'm Doogie."

"We've met."

I take the joint and watch his eyes shrink into tiny little dots. "You're Peter's girl."

"Sure."

He has a scar running up his right thumb. I notice it as he plays with the beer bottle in his hand. It's deep like a cut from a big blade and I swear I've seen that type of scar from one familiar blade.

I let the smoke roll off my tongue and onto his rough race. "What can you tell me about Dallas Winston?"

He processes the question. He arches an eyebrow and asks slowly, "You dated him."

I take another hit. "What do you know that I don't? Don't try to fool me because you look like a pretty smart guy, Doogie. And I'm a pretty smart girl so why don't we go outside and talk some?"

He has the type of smile that goes to the side and the gold teeth of a gang banger. It doesn't faze me though and waves for me to follow.

Outside there's a patio and a couple of lawn chairs. Doogie sits first and throws a baggie on the table. He gets out some paper and rolls another joint. He tells me to keep the one I have.

"So, what do you want to know?"

I cross my legs. The house is in the middle of the woods. There are trees for miles in front of us. "What's your real name?"

He chuckles a little, blowing the ash off the end of his stick. "You gotta earn that, sweets."

There's something about him that reminds me of Dally. I couldn't pinpoint just what it was. He wasn't as mean and dirty as Dale but not as nasty and dumb like the other one. He was the middle guy and he was strong and he was smart.

"Start from the beginning I guess," I say.

The way he smokes isn't normal. He uses his left hand and when he alternates, there's a dip in his hand that isn't normal. "I met Dally through Dale only this year. I don't know much but I'm guessing I know what you want."

"What does the name Sam mean to you?"

"The same as you."

"What about Jason Gibbs?"

This makes me laugh. He leans across the table and dumps more ash into the tray. "Same as you I suppose. Why do you ask, if you don't mind me asking?"

"So you do know who he is?"

"Yeah," he says quietly. "Yeah, Jason was a friend of mine."

_"What if someone starts looking?" Randy asked, shaking beside Michael._

_Sam breathed out smoke and took a deep breath. "No one will. No one even knows this guy. He just dropped off the planet. No one knows him. No one will come looking. No one. Trust me."_

Doogie twists the joint around his fingers. The sleeve of his shirt falls, and the depth of the scar is reveled. "Again, why do you ask? It's rather odd you'd bring that up, Danni."

"I never told you my name."

"Everyone around here knows _your_ name. We've met before, remember. Can't handle your smoke, Danni? Or is something else wrong? You can tell me. I'm good at keeping secrets."

"Aren't we all?"

There's a pause in the conversation. Doogie stops smoking for a second and looks out into the woods as if something's moving and he's trying to catch it with his eyes.

"Jason was murdered, ya know?"

I raise an eyebrow, dumping off the ash from my stick. "Oh?"

"Yeah. Word around is that Sam did it."

This is news. No one knew that Sam had killed anyone, especially not Jason Gibbs, the boy whom no one knew but apparently someone did. Was this how Dally knew about me? It must have been. Dale must know along with the rest of his crew.

Who else knows though? No one was ever supposed to know so how do they?

"Did you know Dally had a brother?"

He chuckles a little. "Ronnie?"

"Why did he come to Tulsa?"

Doogie pauses again and looks back out into the woods. It's darkness out there though it's quiet enough to hear all the animals move inside. If you stare hard enough, you can spot a pair of bright eyes.

"What's in it for me?" Doogie speaks up. "You just expect me to give out all this info without a little something?"

I recross my legs and look where he's looking only he's looking at me now and he's waiting. "What do you want?"

He licks his lips over and they're suddenly wet and not cracked or rough. They're sorta nice. "What did you have in mind?"

Is this really how much my soul is worth these days? Going to third-base with a guy named Doogie for a few answers. A few answers I'm not sure why I want or how they'll benefit me. Do I really stoop so low for such a useless cause?

Or is it so useless? Does it have more to do with me than I think?

"What are you doing?"

His shadow casts on the glass table. Just by the outline, I don't have to look up. "Go away."

"Hey, Doogie."

Doogie lifts his head up and nods a little. Unlike the other one, he's not scared of Dally and unlike Dale, he's not threatened. He's still causally sitting here, right by my side so my bare leg touches his.

Dally's eyes go to what's in my hand. "What's that?"

"What does it look like?"

His eyes switch back over to Doogie who just shrugs and passes Dally his. "Want a hit?"

Dally rolls his eyes. His glare comes down hard on me. "Go home."

"Why?"

"You don't belong here."

"You can't make me do anything."

"Wanna bet?"

"Try it."

Doogie sits back in silence but he's obviously entertained and he's not hiding it. He and Dally both watch as I lean back in the cheap white lawn chair and blow smoke up into the night sky.

The door is cracked now and we can hear yelling inside but no one jumps. This is the second party I've been to that Dale has hosted. I'm more used to it than I thought. Where is Dale anyway?

"What were you doing with my brother last night?"

"Ask him."

"I did. He won't tell me."

"Good."

Dally doesn't sit down though he looks tired. He has a beer in his hand but I can tell by the way he sweats and his words that it's not his first. He leans against the brick wall and just stares at me like he can move me with his mind.

"I'm not leaving," I say. "We're having a conversation so why don't you leave? Plenty of pretty girls inside just waiting for the latest Dally lie and flattery."

He smirks. "Why? So you and Doogie can have a romantic evening under the stars? Oh how romantic. Excuse me from ruining it. I know just how you like the mood to be right before you, you know."

I scowl but Doogie laughs and he finishes off his beer.

"Leave. It's after midnight. You don't belong here."

There are more screams inside and that tells me I should move but I don't. There are animals moving near us in the woods but I only watch Dally. I stare at his smooth face and muscle tone and the way he stands with so much confidence and something inside me burns but it feels good. Soft almost.

I shake my head and the thought away.

"I'll drag you. You know I will."

I take another hit before I stand up, just to enjoy the way his face twists in a knot when I do.

I brush myself off, passing Dally but saying before I leave, "Darry's fine, thanks for asking." I turn my head. "Thanks, Doogie."

"Hey, Danni," he calls.

"Yeah?"

"William," he says. "It's William."

* * *

Soda doesn't say anything as he pulls up in the truck and I climb in. We drive down the road and he turns the radio on and lets me pick any station I want. There's no one on the roads at this hour. It's just the two of us.

After a little while, he pulls into a McDonald's and gets two milkshakes. He still doesn't say anything as he gives me mine. He got chocolate and I got strawberry and it tastes like the best thing I've ever consumed.

He takes the long way home. I finish my milkshake before we pull into the driveway.

"Are you ok?" He turns to me to ask. He makes eye contact for the first time but I know he didn't need to to know what was going on with me. He knew when I called.

I swirl the straw around in the bottom layer of the melted ice-cream. "Yeah. Can you...can we keep this between us?"

He nods a little and I get out of the car. The crisp spring air takes me by surprise. I take in the smell of freshness and flowers. Spring came without a word and I missed it. Summer's coming...and that scares me. Prom is coming and that horrifies me.

"Thanks for getting me," I say as I wait for him to open the door. No one's home inside. I don't ask where Pony is because he's supposed to be home, but I should have.

Soda turns to me again once we get inside. "I want the truth. How do you feel?"

"Right now?" I ask. "I feel lost. I guess. I feel like something's missing. I just don't know what. Sort of empty."

"Empty how?"

I shrug. "Just empty. Like there's something not there."

"Like what?"

"If I say it, then it's true, and frankly, I don't want it to be."

_After Jesus and Rock N Roll. Couldn't save my immoral soul, well. I've got nothing left. I've got nothing left to lose. Callin' out sins just to pass the time. My life goes by in the blink of an eye. I know you want me. I was only lookin' for a friend._

* * *

**A/N: **Please excuse any mistakes. This wasn't finalized until a few moments ago.

I'm sorry I made you wait for such a slower chapter but I PROMISE there is tons of action in the rest of these chapters.

Thank you for reading and please review!


	29. And You'll Believe

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the_ Outsiders_ or the song "Riders on the Storm".

* * *

_There's a killer on the road . His brain is squirmin' like a toad . Take a long holiday . Let your children play. If ya give this man a ride sweet memory will die. Killer on the road, yeah. Girl ya gotta love your man. Girl ya gotta love your man. Take him by the hand. Make him world on you depends. Our life will never end. Gotta love your man, yeah._

"You're a real ass, ya know?"

I rub my face over, feeling every stress line that's buried deep. "Yeah. I've been told once or twice."

"Emily called me crying what after you said all that shit to her! Do you know how long it took me to get her off the phone? Three fucking hours! What was I supposed to tell her? She asked me why I came to Tulsa and what else I lied about."

I click my blade open and rub the edge against my shirt to get the dirt off. "What did you say?"

"What I've been saying since the day I got there!"

I lean back in my chair, making the front legs come up off the ground. I run my blade over the block of wood I found outside on the porch, and think. "Didn't I tell you to get rid of her?"

"You mean like you got rid of Danni?"

The wood pieces fall to the ground like hair. I could really go for a barbeque sandwich right now. Maybe Curtis will give me a discount or something, considering I don't have a dime to my name. He owes me after all.

"What's going on with Dale these days anyway?"

All that sauce with a thick bun and a coke. Maybe an ice cream cone with chocolate syrup to top it all off. "Same."

He grumbles on the other end. There's a commotion in the back ground that he yells about. I don't ask. "Have you ever babysat a kid before? Like a baby?"

"No. Does it look like I've even held a brat before?"

There's a loud bang and then the sound of crying and another person screaming. "I'm never having kids, man."

"Yeah you will," I say, slicking through the other side of the block. "Emily Mathews will make you, wiping boy."

"Danni will make you," he throws back. "Fuck, shut up!"

Maybe Rick will buy me a sandwich. Maybe I can bum two off him. "Whose fucking kid is that anyway?"

It's quiet for a few seconds and he sighs. "It's not one. It's two. It's my roommate's. The mom is out of town or something. I woke up and the kids were just sitting there on the couch staring at me."

A steak sounds even better. Is it Rick's turn to buy groceries? "Have fun, Mr. Dad."

There's another deep sigh and something else broke. "When can I go home, Dal? Don't bull shit me this time either."

Steak, potatoes, green beans, sweet tea, and apple pie. Damn...apple pie. You know who made good pie? Kathy Sutton. "Thought you liked it up there. You're makin' friends."

"It snows every fucking day! I don't leave this shit hole!"

I smirk, it's half the reason I sent him there. There isn't a whole lot of shit you can get into when there's a foot of snow outside.

"Dally I wanna go home."

"Forget it."

There's a silence on the other end. Not even the kids make a noise. "I heard about Dale's car."

I stab the end of the pocket knife into the thick wood. "From who?"

"I hear things still," he says with a slight stutter, knowing full well he's digging himself a hole. "A-Are you ok? Dale didn't come after you did he? You know that was a stupid thing to do, Dal. Dale is gonna kill you."

I pick the wood back up and start carving again. I'm in no mood to fight today. I'm tired. "I'm not scared of Dale."

"But you're scared of Maggot...or so you should be anyway."

I roll my eyes. I hold the knife tighter as I take off bigger pieces. "Just forget it, alright? Do what I told you."

"I am," he says plainly. "Dally I just want to know what's going on. I deserve to at least-"

"You don't deserve anything," I say sternly. "I warned you a long time ago about this and now I'm stuck cleaning up your shit. Just shut up and let me deal with it."

* * *

Windrixville.

Out of all the places to look, no one seemed to jump at this place. Of course I didn't originally send him here. That would be too obvious. No one's really looking anymore. That's what happens when you're eighteen and can take care of yourself.

Damn, ain't there some memories here?

Of course there's no church here anymore. They started the construction on a new one but gave up once the story died down and no one wanted to shell out the money.

It makes a nice hide out still.

As I walk through the field, I'm reminded of a summer where we were all just kids, and the biggest news in Tulsa happened. That's been long replaced with a new story of murder. A story no one really understands.

No one but me.

"Thank God, I thought you forgot about me."

He snatches the McDonald's bag and starts to dig into the fires right away. "Been busy."

"What's going on back home?" He's got about ten fries in his mouth and he's unwrapping the big mac.

I take a seat on a big rock in the middle of the room. It seems like Johnny got creative with the furniture. "Not much. Everything's real quiet for right now."

He gazes up from his food like a rabbit. "That's about to change, though, right?"

I shrug, touring the place. It looks nice for an abandon shed in the middle of nowhere. "Caught Pony with Dale again."

He silences his munching. "He's in some deep shit, isn't he?"

"I'm not sure," I say. "I don't care. I'll kill him and Dale both if I have to. The kid's always was smart though. Makes you think about why he'd want to get involved in that shit or how he even heard of it."

He goes back to eating but he's slowed down. "Peter maybe? He was around them a lot for a while."

I shake my head. "Nah. That kid's weird too. I don't think he could influence Pony enough. I don't think he knows what's going on either. He ain't with Dale much. It's weird."

"How's Dar doin'?" he asks, filling his mouth back up with grease and lard. "Isn't that surgery coming up? Man, I wish I could be there. I would if Pony wouldn't be there."

I shrug again, wiping off some dust from the walls. "It's tomorrow. You talk to that girl any?"

He's quiet again and for a second, it feels like I'm alone. "No. I-I'm not talking to him either! He's got everything, man. Why did he have to go and get her too? He's changed. That's all I know. I...You should watch him."

Ain't we all changed?

"Are you going to the surgery?"

I could say I haven't thought about it, but that would be a fat lie. I've lied plenty though. What's one more? "Dunno."

Windrixville isn't the same. I can still feel the fire though. The heat and the screams of all the kids. What did they call me? Oh yeah, a hero. Isn't that a joke? Dallas Winston, a hero.

Who came up with that anyway? I didn't save anyone. Pony I guess. But I didn't get any of those kids out. I wanted to just drive away. I was going to let them die. Yeah Tulsa, that's a hero for you.

"Dally," he says. "You ok, man?"

_"I killed someone."_

_His face dropped to the ground ever-so-slightly. He stood for a minute, staring blankly at me with no emotion what-so-ever in his face. He broke away and quickly scanned the room, making sure no bystanders heard a word. Then he slammed down in his seat and payed attention. I had finally caught something._

_"Are you a fucking moron?" he hissed, getting angry fast. "You don't show up in a fucking jail and say shit like that! Shut your fucking trap, Curtis! Cut the shit!"_

_I panicked and things started pouring out. I wanted to punch him. If only there wasn't something blocking us. "I'm not cutting anything because there's nothing to cut. If you'd sit down for a goddamn minute and let me talk, you'd know that."_

_His face twisted in different shapes and colors. "Listen to what? You going on and on about some dumb shit. This is not the fucking place to bring this shit up!"_

_"His name was Jason Gibbs. He was a greaser," I started spilling uncontrollably. Word vomit. It was going everywhere. All over this damn place. "Sam was teasing him and-"_

_"Shut the fuck up!"_

_Vomit again. Here it comes. "Things went too far. Sam began to play rough and-"_

_He wanted to grab me. He wanted to beat me over the head. He slid on the table, shushing and hissing at me. "Curtis!"_

_I was upchucking again. Here it comes. It's overflowing in mouth. "He shoved him and he fell down concrete stairs. Blood went everywhere. We were scared."_

_"You're going to get yourself killed!" he shouted at a whisper. "Shut the fuck up!_

_"Sam told us to take him and run in the woods." My stomach turned. Real vomit was forming. "I didn't know what to do. None of us did. Sam threatened to tell on us. We did what he said. We buried him."_

_Dally covered his ears and blocked me out. He was still watching the people in the room like a hawk. No one could hear me. I was quiet. He could still hear me though. I knew that._

_I continued, "I'm sorry. I...I didn't know what to do. I was just a kid and I thought if I just blocked it out it'd be ok. Soon I forgot about it and it didn't seem important. No one brought it up until Sam died. Then everything just came back for some reason."_

Yeah, some reason alright. If she only knew.

* * *

It's raining hard when I pull up. It's been raining all day and storms are in the forecast.

There are some real losers that work with Rick. Most of them, like Rick and me, have been to jail and or the big house. They all have shaved heads, big bellies, and hard as rock arms.

Rick's always bitching about me working but no one works here. Everyone gets their car fixed at the DX. Everyone here just cleans old engines and watches the little TV in the break room and eat.

It's not a bad gig.

I sit out front, a beer in hand. I'm running the shop while everyone gets lunch. It's just me.

My over confidence and pride is furthering, slowly pulling my senses away as a familiar car pulls up.

He steps out, his cowboy boots hitting the pavement first. People follow him and everything around them stops moving as they walk into the shop and form a circle around me.

Dale smiles, gold teeth flashing brightly. "Dally, how are you today?"

I know what he wants. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out. "Dale."

He looks over the shop as if he's never been in here before. "You don't talk much about your personal life, do you? I had no idea you and that Curtis girl were an item for so long. So in love."

I don't answer. I don't need to. I don't want to.

"My boy Peter was her friend," he says, snorting. "She's quite a girl from what I heard. You know, I met her. Not a bad looker. Why did you call it quits?"

I shrug. I pull out a smoke and offer him one. "Stuff happens I suppose."

He takes the smoke, observing it before lighting it up. "I like her brother. He's a good kid."

I don't jump, though I feel the need to. If we were alone, there'd be blood. "He's done. Got me? Stay away from him. He's only a kid. He doesn't have anything you want."

"Oh but he does."

I don't ask, though maybe I should have. "Curtis and I are done. You know that. Leave them alone."

"Well you have lied to me before. I had to take care of...What was his name - Michael? I had to take care of Michael myself because you lied. You're good at that, aren't you. What else are you hiding?"

Again, I just stand, hands in pockets. I can see what he has with him and I'm sure the people surrounding me have them too. Dale doesn't scare me...but Dale's got a gun.

"You're protecting her. I know you are. I'm going to find out who exactly she is, Dally. And when I do, oh boy we're going to have some fun. I'm looking forward to it."

"You won't touch her," I spit. "I'll kill you on the spot. She has nothing to do with this."

He scratches his chin. "Oh, I'd bet she does. You know, I head something the other day. Your little girl, oh, sorry, ex girl - she dated Randy Adderson. Sam's best friend, no? They were old pals."

"I gave you what you wanted so leave me alone and her alone, I mean it. Don't go near her. We have a deal. I work for Maggot. Not you Dale. We have a deal, remember?"

"Oh but you do work for me. Sure, you were once the big dog. Maggot's right hand man. You started this business Dally. But see, you have a temper. That's always been your down fall."

My senses get foggier as anger starts to cloud.

"You fell from your thrown...and I took over. You ran like coward. But here we are now. I gave you a lot, Dally. I paid your brother's bail. I got you that big time lawyer. Without me, you'd be doing life right now. I gave you everything you asked for and you can't even do that for me. That's really sad, Dally."

"Listen," I hiss. "I work for Maggot. I got the memo the first time. So let's just call it a day and go home because let's be frank here, I'm never going to work for you Dale. You can't control me."

He sneers a cocky sneer. He tips his head back and smiles at the sky. "Dally, I can do what I want. I'm in charge here. That's something you need to learn. I control this story. Not you."

"Maggot is in charge, dip shit."

His goons circle me but he calls off the dogs. "Did you know Jason, Dally?"

"No."

"He was a good friend of ours. He worked for Maggot. But you wouldn't know that of course. You ran off like a wuss just a few years before that even happened. He was a good guy though. Didn't deserve what happened to him."

I look around at who he brought with him. He's usual's are among them but some are new.

"Sam and Michael got what was coming to them though," he says, walking around me in a circle. "Jason didn't deserve to die. They did though...Did you hear what happened to my car, Dally?"

I cock an eyebrow. "No."

He cackles like a girl. It's haunting but like a witch's laugh. "Oh, I bet you did."

"What do you want Dale?"

"Just to talk," he says plainly. "It's come to my attention that you are having problems deciding whose side you are on, I'd just thought I'd help you out with that some."

An eerie silence settles over the crowd. No one laughs or makes a sound. Most of the guys around me have never been my friends, but they are who they are because of me. I made them. And they are here today because of me.

Without warning, I get punched in the face. Attempting to stand up straight, my arms are grabbed and held down. I struggle and snarl like a dog on a chain.

It's one thing to fight when you know you can win. It's another to fight and know you have no chance.

Another hit happens, this time in my gut. I spit and chock.

As I catch my breath, Dale's eyes pierce me.

He struts to me, lifting something under my chin to hold me there. A Remington Handgun. "You're nothing. I own you, Dallas Winston. Remember that...I'll be back. I'll find out what you're hiding, and I might just bring your girl with me, just for kicks."

I fall to the ground as the people holding me let go. Everything's black but I can see those boots as they go through the front door, smoking, satisfied of his deed.

No one owns me. They never will.

It's a battle. And those are the gun shots.

Off we go.

"Oh, and Dally," He turns around, his smile wide and dark. "I know Danni killed Jason. You know, she's home alone tonight. Keep her close, my friend. Wouldn't want anything bad to happen to her, would we?"

He flicks the gun out, easily sliding it into his pocket and driving away.

It's war.

_Riders on the storm. Riders on the storm. Into this house we're born. Into this world we're thrown. Like a dog without a bone. An actor out alone. Riders on the storm. There's a killer on the road._

* * *

**A/N: **The next chapter is a pretty big one so get excited! I'm just going to go ahead and say that it is my favorite out of every chapter I have ever written. That goes for LUTF and LTWYL.

Thank you for reading a please review!


	30. Memories We Share

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the _Outsiders_ or the song "Just Tonight"

**A/N: **This is a big Merry Christmas to you all.

I wrote this whole story around this song. I originally heard it and put together this chapter and then it branched out into this story and the rest of the series. The last scene created this whole story. Please read these lyrics or a bigger effect.

* * *

_Here we are and I can't think from all the pills right. Start the car and take me home. Here we are and you're too drunk to hear a word I say. Start the car and take me home._

It's late. My eyelids are sore and Pony can't stop yawning, so I can't either. Kathy's working a night shift and it's just the three siblings that are left, bored, tired, grouchy, and hungry.

"Pony." I kick his foot, getting his attention. "Will you please tell me?"

He yawns again and makes a pillow out of his hands. He rests his head and closes his eyes. "No."

"Why? What does it matter?" I ask. "Were you at a party or something? Were you drunk? High? C'mon. I'm not going to tell Darry. Just tell me why Dally brought you home and why he did that to your face."

He opens his eyes, making a face and pressing his eyebrows together. "He didn't do this to my face."

I roll my eyes, readjusting on the couch. "I know what a Dallas Winston hit looks like. So spill."

Soda's half asleep on the chair, if not already out. I'm not sure if he can hear or not but neither of us take notice.

"It's none of your business."

"What happened to your_ beloved_ necklace? The one you've been wearing that looks like Dally's?"

His face goes a little white and Soda's awake now and glaring at us. Pony more than me. "Necklace?"

Pony gulps, sitting up this time. "It was just something I found. I think I lost it somewhere." He shrugs. "No big deal."

Soda eyes him, not buying it. He's got the Darry act down well, even the intimidating glares. It's almost scary in a way and I don't really like it. "What did it look like?"

"I don't remember. Just some chain thing."

"I wasn't asking you," Soda says, turning to me. "Danni, what'd it look like?"

Pony grumbles, rolling his eyes. He speaks so I don't have to, "Come on, Soda. It was just a stupid chain. What's the big deal?"

Soda looks so weary...and heated. I blink a few times, not knowing if he still wants me to answer or not. He speaks, "You know, Dally came to see me about a month ago. He told me to watch you. You know what that meant?"

Pony gets up, fed up with the conversation, and heads to the kitchen. "How should I know?"

Soda stands up, not missing a beat either and following him. "Danni! Come in here!"

I do as I'm told though I don't want to. Soda seems to know something - something important, so I slowly appear in the kitchen. "Yeah?"

Soda glares at Pony as he pours some cereal into a bowl and sprinkles some milk over top. Soda turns to me. "Was the necklace a cross? Like Dally's?"

I nod a little. "Yeah. The same one."

Soda turns a dark shade of red. Pony doesn't turn around or protest. He knows he's hands are coated with red stains. "A cross like Dally's? The cross he got from New York? The cross he got from his gang!"

Pony chucks the spoon down in the bowl, causing milk to fly. "What do you want?"

Soda doesn't hesitate and he's fast. He grabs Pony by the collar and forces him up against the counter. He growls in his face, "Are you that stupid?" He shakes him. "Answer me!"

"Soda," I say calmly. "Just let him talk. What's going on?"

"Dale," Soda hisses. "You signed up to be with _Dale_?" He says it like he wants to cry and scream and punch him all at the same time. "To do what, Ponyboy?"

Pony, on the other hand, doesn't look like he wants to cry, which is odd. Anytime he upsets Soda, he feels bad immediately. This is very different. "It's over, ok?"

"Not ok. You think Mom and Dad worked like they did so you could join a gang at seventeen and ruin your life? Do you think Darry did? Do you think _I_ did!"

Silence washes over. I'm in the background, facing Pony. There's something that softens his eyes when Soda mentions Mom and Dad. It happens every time and now, Pony is chocking tears.

Soda releases him, cooling off and taking a deep breath. His eyes get watery but he wipes them before anyone can really tell. "Darry's surgery is tomorrow. I-I...I can't take this right now."

And he turns his back, heading up to his room.

"Soda..." Pony calls out quietly, unsure of what to say.

Soda stops. His shoulders slump as he sighs. "Go to bed Pony. Or go somewhere. I really don't care right now."

Neither of us say anything as he leaves, slamming his bedroom door behind him.

"Danni..."

"What did you do?"

"I…..I-I don't know."

Everything seems so cold and foreign. As if a ghost walked in and just like that, everything blew up and we're just walking around, mindless and unaware of the situations we're in or how extreme they really are.

I wrap my arms around myself. The conversation with Sylvia at the coffee shop keeps playing over and over in my head. "You...You're with Dale?"

He doesn't answer. He doesn't have to. The question's already been answered.

And suddenly, we're alive again, and this is real.

"Where are you going?" He's right behind me, speeding to catch up with me.

Tears run down my cheeks. "You're an idiot! Do you have any idea what Dale is like? Who he works for? Who you apparently work for? They kill people, Pony! You...I can't believe you!"

I reach for the door but there's something that stops me - _someone_ who actually tells the truth: "It was just some number punching! I never...I only got Dale a few guns. I never...I never meant for..."

"You got Dale _guns_? Guns for what?"

I'm still facing the door, refusing to turn around and face the stranger that stands behind me.

"Just a couple. I...We needed the money, remember? I thought I was helping. I didn't think he'd really use them."

_Why does Dale need lots of guns?_

"I can't even look at you."

"Where are you going?"

"Nowhere."

* * *

_Here I am and I can't seem to see straight. But I'm too numb to feel right now. Here I am watching the clock that's ticking away my time. I'm too numb to feel right now._

It's silent as he answers the door. He stands and looks at every inch of my body and his face doesn't move. It stays hard with his jaw tightened and then he swallows and leans against the door. He sees my tears, and he doesn't need to ask.

"Can I come in?"

He holds the door open and it's warm inside and I can smell his dinner he just ate. Grilled cheese with chips and milk.

I look around and realize this is nothing like Dally. There is a clock with birds on it that sits on the mantel. There are pictures around the room with happy people inside and there are books. Real books with pages and words.

I wonder how he feels to be here. I wonder if he looks around at all these things that don't reflect him and thinks about how he once sat on the throne of Tulsa. How he once had the girl, the car, the apartment, the friends, the life everyone around wanted. How he was once idolized as a king.

Here Dallas Winston was. No money, no car, no friends, no nothing. And he didn't lose it for what he really did. I wonder if that's what really hurts. What he's known for isn't what others know he did.

I sit down on the couch and watch as he goes into the kitchen. He doesn't speak and I turn on the TV.

"You hungry?"

"Sure. What happened to your face?"

"Bar fight."

He comes back with a bowl full of chips and sits them on my lap as he takes a seat beside me and I eat.

It's _I Love Lucy _that's on. We both sit quietly and watch and eat. It's started raining again outside. It's not supposed to stop for a week. The news says there's supposed to be a big storm coming.

"Soda and Pony are fighting," I say softly. "Soda...he found out about Pony and Dale. I guess you know all about that though. Darry's having surgery in the morning."

"I know."

"I just needed to get away," I say, looking down at my hands. "It just seems like everything's falling apart. I don't remember the last time I had a full conversation with some who actually mattered."

The audience inside the TV starts laughing. Lucy smiles and a commercial comes up. The clock on the mantel has a high tick and it's insanely warm in here and my face turns red.

I think about the future a lot. I've never pictured myself here tonight though. That's the funny thing about thinking about the future. It makes you happy - like memories, because you make it sound good. You'll become a great person, get rich quick, and nothing bad will ever happen. The future is a way to escape the present.

Memories are like that as well. You think about the good but you never quite get to the bad part. The times everything fell apart. You try to weigh them out but that never works. You want the good.

Doesn't that show something for your personality though?

It's so warm in here. I feel the couch eating me. "Maybe if you talk about what you're feeling, it'll make you feel better."

"What if talking about your feelings doesn't fix shit? What if what you really need is to make the feelings go away?"

It's like a different dimension in here. Things smell better and feel better. I still want to cry a little but I don't feel sad. I'm not bothered or angry with Dally. It's like we're in a time machine and we are making stops and this is one of the times when we felt good.

Things feel better. Some things feel bad. The memories we will never have again feel bad.

"Do you remember?" I ask softly. "Do you remember yourself before you were empty? There was a time when everything was good and happy. There was a time you didn't feel like a stranger in your own skin. Remember that?"

My eyes sting a little as more tears well up. Dally continues not to speak.

"Do you remember us? At all?" I ask, staring into his dying eyes. "Do you remember the memories from this fall? What we were like? The good times we had? The things we went through? Do you remember?"

The show comes back on and he acts like he didn't hear me, intently watching. "Do you remember? Do you remember the world before it became toxic? Before everything turned to poison?"

There's a bird outside. I think it's an owl. That's the only bird who wants out at night. It's different and big and beautiful though it doesn't know that because no one looks at it that way. It's just a loud, noisy bird with dark eyes and ways, but it's beautiful. It's beautiful because it is different than the rest.

I start to think about who is up right now. It's almost one and on this street, it's dead. Most of that has to do with the fact that the neighbors are old and grumpy. The rest of Tulsa, they're just starting. They're living because they are young. Old people don't understand the desire to want to live. They want to die. Teenagers want more hours in the day.

"The doctors still don't know about Darry. We're broke. Like _really _broke. Even if he does make it out, he has no job. No income. Soda is so exhausted and I worry about him. Pony is...I don't even know who he is right now."

Lucy is the only girl he's focusing on. Nothing. His face doesn't move, much like a mental patient. Like he's dead inside.

"I'm hurt right now. I feel like I could sleep forever and never wake up. I feel like taking a bath and crying until I can't breathe. And out of everyone else, I want you to comfort me and let me tell you all my problems like I used to and have you hold me until we fall asleep together. And I don't understand why."

He's still silent. The more I watch, the more I wonder what he's thinking.

"I think about you a lot. I hate it but I do. I saw you bring Pony home and I wanted you to stay. I'm not sure what I wanted to happen after that but I wanted you around me. Even for a minute."

My eyes get watery again and I look to the ground.

"I remember _us_. I remember the feeling I felt when we first kiss. I remember when I started to fall in love with you."

His head slowly turns and stares at me again as if he's seeing me for the first time. He's eyes are softer and I can't tell if he looks sad or just numb. "Why are you telling me this?"

"Is something burning?"

He gets up and runs into the kitchen. "Fuck!"

Black smoke comes from the pan on the stove. There's a hissing noise as he throws the pan in the sink and turns the water on. As the noise stops, so does the rest. It's quiet except for the second hand on the bird clock.

_Tick, tick, tick, tick._

"I'm going to take a shower," he says, turning off the water. "It's late. You should stay here. I'll take you home when I get out if you want. The couch is yours though."

I sniffle, nodding and putting the chips down. It smells like burnt bread and my eyes and nose stings. I cry a little and it feels colder in here. I get up and get a blanket and watch as Lucy comes back on. She's happy. She's really happy.

Dally shuffles in the hallway but stops. "Curtis," he calls. I lift my head up. He's standing in the hallway. "Yeah. I remember..."

_"Curtis let's go!" Dally hollered one last time._

_I rolled my eyes and sucked it up. Whether I liked it or not Dally was back, and whether I liked it or not, I was somewhat happy about it._

_XX_

_I felt the warmth of his lips as they filled my entire body. The single touch made me turn red all over. I was kissing Dallas Winston. The Dallas Winston._

_XX_

_"Come here," Dally groaned once he noticed I was crying._

_I looked down at him. He had one hand over his eyes and the other arm held out for me. I wiped some of the tears away and gently lay down beside him. He laughed and wrapped his arm around my shoulder as I lay my head on his chest. He was so warm._

_XX_

_Long tears strolled down my face. I didn't know whether it was from the pain I was feeling in my leg or the pain in my heart._

_"Dally," I spoke through sobs refusing to look at the deathly look on his face. "Please?"_

_XX_

_I closed my eyes and thought for a minute._

_"Despite all that, despite the many times we've made each other sick. The times we just wanted to ring each other's necks." Tears slipped out of my eyes. "Despite all that, something has still stuck. I still feel something inside of myself, something that keeps telling me I'm wrong."_

_XX_

_He moved his tongue to the side of his cheek. "Yeah." He nodded his head. "Yeah."_

_I smiled. "I love you, Dally. I love you."_

_XX_

_"Be careful," I whispered in his ear. I scrapped his back with my nails. "Goddamnit, be careful."_

_His hand went around the back of my head and his lips kissed me on my neck, answering for him. I could feel his sly smile forming on my neck. "I can't die, Curtis. Don't you remember?"_

_My face swelled up from the tears that didn't stop. I heaved for a breath. "I love you." My body shook again and mounds of tears ran down my face. "God, Dally, I love you."_

_XX_

_"I love you, Curtis. Alright?" He was panicking. It was hitting Dallas Winston. Everything was hitting. His wall had fallen. "I love you!"_

It's always hard to stop. It's always hard to forget. The memories are the best part. They're better than reality - the truth. They tell a story of happy times and they feed your mind and you feel happy, if only for a little while.

I stand up, following.

* * *

_Just tonight I will stay and we'll throw it all away. When the light hits your eyes. It's telling me I'm right. And if I, I am through. And it's all because of you. Just tonight._

I can hear the water dripping off his body. I can hear each drop of water land, making a splash on the white metal.

I get up and slowly walk through the hall, running my finger along the torn yellow wallpaper. As I get closer, the noise of water gets stronger, louder. I can hear my heart racing, beating along with each drop that lands.

It feels like the ground is breathing and the air has hands, like everything is moving except me. It feels like I've just smoked a whole joint or drank the whole liquor cabinet. It feels like nothing can hurt me, like I am the air that moves around me. Like I am the only thing solid and stable, like it is the rest of the world that is dizzy.

The door is only cracked. As I press my nose against it, I can smell the steam, the slight sent of berry soap. I close my eyes and breathe out, taking in the smell. The smell of Dally.

I stand in the doorway after slowly pushing the door open. It isn't hard to open and he doesn't hear me.

If you are still, no one can ever harm you. If you play dead, there is nothing to kill.

I play with the button on my shirt, twisting it so it just comes undone and then another and another. Faintly, I can hear him singing. He doesn't notice I'm here, stripping down so I stand naked.

I rest my hand on my pants and then slowly drop them down my hips so they fall to the ground, landing beside his jeans.

My feet drag on the cold, damp floor, getting closer and closer. I can hear him humming inside, the sound of a soap bar falling against the hard tub. I stare at the curtain, the green leaves painted across it with such detail to them that they almost look real like I'm outside in the trees.

I reach out and touch the fabric, rubbing it in-between my fingers.

From the time we're young, we are taught how to love but not how to stop.

I breathe out slowly and pull it back.

* * *

_Just tonight. Do you understand who I am? Do you wanna know? Can you really see through me now? I am about to go. Just tonight I won't leave. And I'll lie and you'll believe. Just tonight I will see. It's all because of me._

I'm not in control. I've lost it. He has too. We're insane, acting on lust. Action on pleasure and sin. It's just our bodies and the water that's streaming down into a puddle around our feet. We're here, feeding off of each other like venomous snakes.

Two lovers who don't want to confess how much they are truly connected. They both know it, they both hide from it, and they both know the other could absolutely kill and crush their heart with one hit of poison. They dance back and forth, each knowing, each feeling the other's constant vibration within themselves. Although, at times, the intensity is too much and they can't break it...they have no choice in the matter and they die.

"I'm sorry," he whispers against my lips and I feel it more than I can hear it.

I cup his face, whispering, "I miss you. I miss you_ so_ much."

"Tell me to stop," he groans against my lips. I can feel his body pressure against me. "Goddamnit."

I lift my head back and his head lies on my chest. I run my fingers through his wet hair. My legs tremble and my pulse races. I can feel his chest as it heaves and I know what he wants. I can feel it.

I don't tell him to stop because I can't. I'm lost somewhere in a different world. Instead, I wrap my legs around him tighter, giving him a better pathway and a sign to go and he does.

The pain is so sweet and sharp. I close my eyes because I'm too scared to open them though I want to see his eyes. Confident, mysterious, alluring, beautiful eyes. The very ones I've seen in this situation before many times.

My hand runs down the slick tiles slowly as he makes his entrance. I shake and he grabs me tighter and he goes harder. He's moving faster and I'm moving faster. I grip onto nothing and hang in midair.

I moan into his mouth, unable to contain the gutting feeling in my stomach, legs, and mouth.

My skin his burning and the more we hit skin on skin, the more scars it makes.

We spin. The water splashes us and runs in our eyes.

I cry out, the pain becoming unbearably good. "Dally..."

"Curtis..."

My back is pressed against the cold water knob and I groan but his lips stop me from shouting out anymore. He attacks me with his mouth, his tongue, and it hurts and my legs are numb and unsteady. My hand travels down his face slowly. The other one grips to skin as I yelp.

I whimper against his neck and hold on tight.

We're under a waterfall on an island and it's only us. We're castaways and we are stranded here, just the two of us. There are no problems on this island. It's just full of passion and sex. We're under a waterfall and we're making love to each other as all the problems around us just seem to fade away.

Nothing's real here. There are no problems, no pain, no lies. We feel loved, and we feel happy. We're no longer sad or angry at what is going on around us because we are alone and it's only us. There is no poison.

In a world of our own.

If only just tonight.

I squeeze the knob beside me as things get more intense. It's pleasure and it's pain. My body is so close to his and he's holding me against him. Our hearts touch. It's his hard body against my soft and he's winning...and I allow it.

The curtain is what I grab next as I let out a loud groan. It doesn't fall or break no matter how hard I tug.

"Oh God!"

He can't stop kissing me. I can't stop kissing him. It's more than sex. It's our hurt and anger and our bodies releasing everything we've stored up in the past months. It's the first time we've seen each other, and we're new again.

Suddenly, we're dry. We've moved as time skipped ahead and I'm on the bed and he's over top of me. He warms me with his body and holds my back as I arch upward.

He thrusts and he kisses me, not gentle, yet passionate and uniting.

"God, I've missed you. God, Curtis! Oh God!"

Then I land...and we are done. Our bodies go back to their resting point and the lights go down. We keep our bodies near, still nude and open. We close our eyes and we breathe for a second.

It always seems to end here. Love is pain but we always go back to the one that causes us the most. We pretend like lies don't matter when we get lonely or sad. We think of the memories, the greatness of them all.

We always seem to end here...together. We are poison.

_Just tonight I will stay and we'll throw it all away. When the light hits your eyes it's telling me I'm right, And if I, I am through. And it's all because of you. Just tonight._


	31. Do You Understand?

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the _Outsiders_ or the song "Dyers Eve"

**A/N: **_Kryptonite_ tells Darry's part of this in more detail in the form of a one-shot. I'll post it later this week along with the last chapter of GITW.

* * *

_Dear Mother, dear Father. What is this hell you have put me through? Believer, deceiver. Day in, day out, live my life through you. Pushed onto me what's wrong or right. Hidden from this thing that they call life._

"Dally." There's a bright light entering the room. "Some guy named Sodapop keeps calling here asking if-"

I can feel the shift in the bed. She takes the top sheet with her as she moves, leaving me exposed. Rick closes his eyes long enough for me to full wake up and grab the blanket at the end of the bed.

"Oh."

I rub my face and start to become aware with what's going on. Danni's standing beside the window, covering herself up and turning a dark red. Rick's red too and he's trying not to look at her but I can see his eyes through his hand.

"I'm...I'm so sorry."

I rub the sleep out of my eyes. Danni moves around the room and stumbles over the sheet more than a couple of times.

"I take it you're Danni."

I groan. My stomach growls and I could really go for some pancakes right now with bacon soaked in syrup. It's too bright in here and I can't see. I can hear Danni still lose her balance as she dances through the small room looking for her things.

She bends over and tucks her hair behind her ear. She gathers some things up with her hands and curses under her breath. She's still a dark shade of red and she's refusing to look up at Rick who still standing like an idiot by the door.

"Anythin' else you want Rick?" I ask.

His mouth is still a little open and he's staring at the floor but I know he's glancing at the sheet that keeps dropping from Danni's body that's revealing her upper half. She pulls it back up and curses again as she goes back to hunting.

"I really am sorry," Rick says again before he waves and let's himself out.

Danni still has the sheet wrapped tightly around her as she finds the last of her stuff. She keeps it wound tightly as she begins to unsuccessfully put her underwear on and pants.

I roll to my side and sneer. "What are coverin' up for? Ain't nothin' I ain't seen before."

She turns a new shade of red. She bounces up and down as she shimmies her pants up her thighs. Her idea of keeping the sheet up to cover her isn't working. She lets it fall once she gets her bra on. She still hasn't looked at me.

"Where ya goin' anyway? Where's the fire?"

She combs through her hair with her fingers. "Darry...It's...Where's my purse?"

I shrug and pull out my box of smokes from the dresser drawer. I lean back against the bed board as I relax and smoke some. I watch her run through the room, panting and shaking as she doesn't come any closer to finding her bag.

She gives up her hunt. "If...If he calls again can you tell him I'm not here? You...You don't know where I am."

She runs into the bathroom and splashes water on her face. She fixes herself up so it doesn't look like she spent the whole night fucking instead of getting beauty rest like she was supposed to be.

"Want a stick?"

She shakes her head as she splashes hot water on her face. She runs through the room and goes to the door. "I..." She looks at me for a second. This is the first time. Her eyes are huge and red. "I gotta go."

"You coulda' warned me."

There's not any pancake mix. There's not any food because it's my turn to pay for it and I haven't worked in over a week. There are stale corn flakes and day old milk and dirty spoons. Right now, I don't really care.

I sit down at the table and scoop up the crusty pieces of cereal. Rick's got eggs and the smell is making me want to gag. Who the fuck even likes eggs? Maybe if they had some hot sauce on them, I could get them down.

"So that's her?"

I nod, crunching on the worst possible breakfast anyone can ever eat. As I swallow, it's already racing back up.

"What happened to your face?"

I crunch again and again until the nails go down. "Bar fight."

"Bull shit." He reaches out, touching the red mark around my eye. "Damn, someone can hit."

"Get off!"

He sits back down in his chair, fixing his newspaper and going back to reading. "You're in way over your head, kid."

I take my jacket from the couch, put on my boots, and leave.

There's somewhere I need to be.

* * *

There's a sent that lingers on the bottom floor. It doesn't smell like the top floors: filth, agony, pain, sickness. It smells like fresh flowers and honey and teddy bears. There is a desk in the center of the room with friendly people dressed in white. They smile when you enter and ask if they can help you.

I walk by them. I already know where I'm going.

On this floor, it smells like dust and old bones. Not a place you'd expect a twenty something guy to be.

Can you really picture Darry Curtis in a wheel chair? A coffin even? We called Darry Superman for many reasons. He was big and muscular and resembled him in appearance. The name came before he showed he really was Superman.

He could win. He could fight death, pain, and hold it together so well that he never cracked.

She's the first thing I notice when I reach the end of the hallway. Everyone's here. I don't need to count or list off the people because of course they'd be here. It's like old times again.

Her hair's in her face and there's a magazine in her lap that she's not reading.

Soda's beside her, holding hands with his girl and on the other side of her is the other sister-in-law.

I'm late. He's probably almost out by now but why show up for the waiting period? All you do is sit and picture what it would be like if the doctor came out and told you someone died.

She's far away, but I can still read her mind:

_His eyes looked back at us. "She...I'm sorry. She didn't make it."_

_The relief that was once in the room vanished. Everyone looked to the floor._

_His words took me back. He was lying._

_"She...what do you mean she didn't make it?"_

Time moves forward. None of that matters anymore but she still thinks about it. It's a daily reminder of things she doesn't like to remember. A time where we were all a little bit lost and young and stupid.

"Hey, Dal," Two-Bit comes to say. He doesn't smile but he looks happy to see me.

Her eyes flick up and she stares. As I walk to her, her mouth drops slowly. "What are you doing here?"

"What do you mean what am I doing here?"

Before she can answer, a man in a white coat comes down the hall and I'm just a shadow again. Everyone gets up and goes to him and I'm left, standing beside her. She's the last one to follow the crowd.

I wait back where the seats are. I don't need to hear it come out of this guy's mouth. I can tell by everyone's reactions what the outcome is.

People worry about things they shouldn't. I suppose when you've lost time and time again, it's just second nature.

"Are you coming to the room?" She gathers up her things as everyone else follows the doctor.

I shrug and follow her.

This is the same room he's been in for more than a month. The white walls would drive me crazy enough, but there's a collection of balloons and stuffed animals and flowers from people who couldn't give two shits about him. They just give because they want a better place in heaven or to get something out of it. That's why anyone does anything.

They are constantly thinking: how can_ I_ benefit from this?

He's pale but his eyes are open and that's all anyone sees. Steve and the other guys are still in the waiting room, wanting the family to be alone but here I am with all the other in-laws.

Kathy's at his side already. "Hi. Hi, honey."

He blinks, smiling a little at her face. He turns his head slowly and looks to the other side at us. "Sodapop, baby brother, you got what I told you to hang on to?"

"Yeah."

He nods, satisfied. "Dal, you got a cigarette?" I give him one, getting stares from his woman as I lean over and light it. "Thanks, man."

He smokes it like it's the last one he'll ever have. He enjoys the flavor, the way the smoke glides off his chapped lips. Once he's done, he leans back, closing his eyes.

"I can't feel it. I can't fucking feel it."

"Darry..."

"You're not pregnant."

I shouldn't be smirking and I'm getting a glare from my left but I ignore it. He wouldn't be the first guy to fall for the scheme but it's funny every time seeing the reaction of the truth coming out.

Kathy stumbles over her words. "I-I-"

"You're not a good liar, ya know?" he says plainly, smoking again. "I may be sick, but I'm not an idiot. Even if I believed it from the get go, you'd think I'd start to notice when you didn't get fat."

The room is silent. Pony offers to leave but I'm not missing this.

"You want me to leave?" she asks, her head hung and tears starting to spill out.

He shakes his head, smoking again and making her cringe. "I figure a few things: _one_, you must really like me to put up with all this shit. _two, _you much_ love_ me to lie to me about something so stupid. I can count too. And _three, _I figured if you and these stupid kids over here would really go that far to get me to live, then I must be a pretty damn special guy."

That gets a few laughs.

"Sodapop, baby bro," he says weakly. "Can I have it?"

Out of his pocket is a folded brown paper bag. "Do you want a minute alone?"

"No," he says, taking the bag and unwrapping it. "Ya'll can stay. I'll put on a nice show for ya'll."

He clears his throat, reaching the bottom of the bag and resting his hand on whatever's inside.

"Kat, me and you have been together since we were fifteen. Ya know that?" She nods. He carries on, "You're the only girl I've been with. My mom told me something one time. She said that if someone comes back to you, goes through shit with you without breaking down, who takes care of you and your siblings, you gotta do something for me."

He pulls his hand out a little. I laugh out loud, knowing what's coming.

"I'd get down on one knee, but, ya know."

She gasps as it sparkles under the light. "Oh my God!"

"Kathy Sutton, will you please do me the honor of being my permanent wheel chair pusher until we get old enough to where we're both stuck like this and we gotta get these idiots to push us around?"

She's crying now. I'm the only one laughing, everyone else just looks shocked and happy.

She takes the ring, covering her mouth so she won't sob out. "I...Darry I can't believe this!"

"You better say yes."

She cries out, holding his head in her arms. "I love you so much! Of course I'll be your permanent wheel chair pusher."

"C'mon, Curtis." I bump against her hip, calling her to follow. "I'll buy you a coke."

She doesn't come right away. She's frozen, focusing her eyes on Darry but looking somewhere else. Eventually she turns on her heel, and walks behind me. Her head is down the whole walk and she doesn't speak, not even to comment on her brother's new neighbors that are wondering the halls.

I pull out a dime and punch the coke picture on the machine. I hand her hers and then get mine.

She holds hers in her hands as cold droplets bleed on her hands.

"What?" I ask. "Ain't this the happy ending you pictured? Your brother's fine, he's getting married to a girl you actually like. We're here. Story's over. I figured you'd be all tickled. What gives?"

She ponders for a minute, not moving, eyes set on her coke. "You shouldn't be here."

She says it so softly that I don't think I'm meant to hear it. I do and nothing makes sense. I wait for her to go on or to explain like she normally does, but she just opens her coke and walks away.

"Hold up!"

I walk after her and into the waiting area with clouds and toys. She stops her feet and stands in the middle of the room. From the side she hisses, "Last night shouldn't have happened."

Her attitude from earlier becomes clear. "Why?"

She won't face me. Her head is bowed and her coke is dripping. "I can't believe that happened."

"Turn around and talk to me like a man!" I shout but she doesn't jump or move. "Stop whispering around and giving me the cold shoulder like this is my fucking fault. You came to me, now turn around and say what you gotta say!"

On the side of her foot, she turns. Her eyes are like dead holes. Not filled with happiness like they should be today. "I find myself pretending sometimes. You do the same."

I lean on my other leg. "What?"

"I spoke to Dale this morning."

"What? When?" I jump and she backs away like she's afraid of the wrong person. "Where did you see him?"

She swallows down a sip of coke. I notice the color of her skin and the way she's standing. "He was in your driveway. He drove me here. He said he needed to talk to me."

"So you go in the van with the murderer? What the hell were you thinking!?" I yell. I try going to her but again, she backs away further. "Did he touch you? Tell me he didn't touch you!"

"No. I'm fine." She holds her hands up so I don't come any further. "Carmen was with him. I figured it was safe. He took straight here. We talked."

I can't believe how stupid she is. Dale scares her. Obviously this is true but why is she staying away from me?

"Did you even mean it when you told me you loved me at the hospital that night?"

I get angry with her, "Why would you even say something like that? Course I did! What did Dale say to you? I'm guessing you believe him which is enough to piss me off and show how ignorant you really are."

Her shoulders slump. "He proved something true that I already knew. He showed me the old train tickets, Dally. The ones you were going to use the night the flower shop guy died. You were going to bail. Bail out on me."

"You don't know what you're talking about."

"Were you even going to say goodbye? No, forget that! How could you really do that? How could you just get on a train and forget all about me? How could you even think to do that? Then to come back here and tell me that you love me?"

There's some emotion we haven't seen before.

I rub my face. Why was his car outside my house this morning? Unless he's watching us. Her.

"I forgot all about it when Ronnie had mentioned it. I told myself "oh that's not true. Dally would never leave me". But he had the tickets. You know, Dale told me something else too."

I turn back around. "Why are you listening to this guy?"

"He's giving me something you won't," she drags her words out, taking a dramatic pause before saying, "How did you know about me and Jason, Dally? How?"

I don't answer her. What was I supposed to say? She already knows the answer so why bother asking. She knows the answer she was given. Not the whole story.

"I was at work, Curtis - lie. I was at the bar - lie. I just met Ronnie today too - lie. I didn't know he was in tow - lie. I don't know what happened to Sam - lie. I don't know how Ronnie got bail - lie. I love you - lie."

Fed up, I charge to her. I grab her before she can run away and I pin her against a wall, a fist full of her shirt. "I gave you everything! How dare you say that to me!"

I let her go and she drops to the ground lightly.

"You didn't give me anything but lies! You lived another life, Dally. You used me to get to Randy and Sam. You worked with the devil. Why did you never tell me you knew about Jason because you knew for a while! You knew who did it so you kept lying to me so you could figure out the whole story. How could you use me like that?"

"That's what you think it is? You've got to be kidding me!"

She reaches into her bag, pulling out a crumbled sheet of paper and tossing it on the floor. "Dale gave that to me today."

I roll my eyes, picking it up and unfolding it.

_Sam's the one who's wrong. He's the one who killed Jason. The police will know we buried him though. Sam will tell them and then we will be right there in jail with him. Stop worrying. We didn't actually kill this guy. We just buried him. We were drunk and Sam made a mistake. It was an accident. No one will coming looking. He's in the middle of the woods. No one will find him. We're fine. We didn't kill Jason. Sam killed Jason. It'll be ok. I love you._

_Love,_

_Randy._

This is from her room. I'm not reading it for the first time. The name is crossed out at the top so there's no way to tell who this letter is to but it's obvious to me and her and maybe a few others. It's marked out on purpose.

This letter has been missing from her closet for months. She's just now noticing and realizing who took it. The only person who could and why this person knows.

"I don't get it. I don't get how you can sit there and defend everything you did. You killed someone. You lied to me. You were going to leave me and never speak to me again. You killed my friends. And you used me to do it."

I serve around, laughing. "You're believing this guy?"

"Then tell me it's not true. Tell me you didn't take that from my room. Tell me everything I just said is a lie."

"Why did you come to me last night? Huh, why!?"

Not afraid anymore, she slowly tip toes toward me. Tears are in her eyes but she won't let them out. "I thought Dale was the villain in the story. I came to you because I thought you were the good guy and _I_ was wrong. I forgot, you're the one who killed a guy. You're the one who lied. You're the one who was going to leave. Stop blaming Dale, because this is all you. I was wrong. Everyday I find out a new lie. A new story. I don't know what to believe but I know those tickets were real and so is that letter. I know Sam's dead. I know you killed him. And the only thing keeping me from going to the police, is that I know you'll be gone soon, and it won't matter. You'll just be another name in this town."

Dale isn't the good guy in this story. Not even the villain There's a bigger force out there. She knows his name. A guy who has yet to appear. Someone she keeps forgetting. Maggot.

Once she sees that I have nothing else to say, she goes to the door, walking as if she knows she's won. This is the war to her, not the battle like it is to me.

"You should have gotten on that train, Dally. At least then I wouldn't ever have to see your face again."

I call after her, "Curtis."

She stops without turning around. "What?"

"Those people in there - your family. People who you love. You'd do anything for them, right?"

"Of course."

"Then you get it."

_I'm in hell without you. Cannot cope without you too. Shocked at the world that I see. Innocent victim please rescue me. Dear Mother, dear Father. Hidden in your world you've made for me. I'm seething, I'm bleeding. Ripping wounds in me that never heal. Undying spite, I feel for you. Living out this hell you always knew._

* * *

**A/N: **I'd like to thank everyone so much for the reviews.

So thank you for reading and please review! Only ten more chapters!


	32. My Sky

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the _Outsiders_ or the song "You"

* * *

_You don't want me, no. You don't need me. Like I want you, oh. Like I need you. And I want you in my life. And I need you in my life. You can't see me, no. Like I see you. I can't have you, no. Like you have me._

It's like a silent movie. The dull, black and white ones. There's not even any subtitles. Everything is going so slow and I want to scream. There's no fast-forward, pause, or delete. It replays over and over again at different showings. None of them I enjoy.

My room has become a dark hole that I can't stand to go into. It's infected and each time I enter, I get infected. It's sticky and dark and even my bed hurts to lay on. All my pictures and art are faded and running down the walls. It's all black.

I'm on the couch, watching a documentary Pony's more interested in instead of doing his homework like Soda told him to do. His hands are glued to a bowl of stale chips and his crunching is so loud it's unbearable.

Kathy's singing pierces my ears along with the chewing. She's doing the dishes and she has the windows open like she's Snow White and we're all the dwarfs. Pony's Dopey and I guess I'm Grumpy. The only difference is there's no prince to save us.

My whole body feels foreign to me. My own skin makes me panic and want to bathe. I can't get free from it and I can feel it like it's a bug that's eating a little bit of me at a time and soon, I'll just be a dust pile on the floor.

"Hey, Pone, Dan, you wanna help me and Steve build this ramp?" Soda sticks his head in the door.

Pony races outside and picks up a hammer. My body is stuck to the couch so I can't move. "Maybe in a minute."

Kathy comes into the living room a few minutes later. I'm on the floor now and she's sitting behind me. She pulls my hair back and brushes through it gently. She runs the brush through each end over and over again.

"Can I see your ring?" I ask and she takes it off and gives it to me.

"He did a good job, huh?"

It's my mother's. It didn't make any sense to be buried with the ring. She always said she'd give it to the first one who got married. We all knew it'd be Darry. My bet was on Soda and Sandy first. It's always been in Mom's jewelry drawer. They all forgot it was there except me. I used to take it out a lot and practice modeling it on my finger. I knew I'd never get it. I always knew one of my brothers would but it didn't stop me from admiring it.

I put it on my ring finger and hold it out like I used to do. The diamond is small and simple but I always liked the way it sparkled when you held it out. The gold band was my favorite part. It didn't look a day old.

"He's looking for new jobs already," she says. "He's found a couple he likes. He's thinking about going to the community college while working as a secretary or something. He's being really good about this whole situation. You know he's going to be a big baby though about the wheelchair until he gets used to it."

I nod, still playing with ring. I used to play dress up with it all the time. Pony and I played house a lot. Sometimes he refused to be my husband so I had to recruit a new one like Johnny or sometimes Two-Bit on a good day.

"You should have seen him trying it out yesterday." She laughs and starts playing with another strand of hair. "He was getting so aggravated. He was running into everything. He's not very good at working it. I don't think he's ever not been good at something. That's what frustrated him the most I think.

"When are you going to do it?" I ask quietly. "Have you thought about a date?"

She lets out a breath of air. "I haven't even told my parents. Though I can imagine they won't be so thrilled about the idea. I don't know. I've always wanted to get married in the summer. Do you think that's too soon?"

"No." Nothing is ever _too_ soon in this family. "I've never thought the date mattered. You know you're going to get married by that point. Might as well go for it while you've still got the time."

"I take it you don't want a big wedding then?" She smirks.

I shrug. "I've thought about it. I guess maybe I would. A part of me thinks it'd be romantic just to do it on a spur of the moment kind of thing, ya know? Like bam, engagement, bam, wedding."

"Hmm." She twists the end of my ponytail around her fingers. "That's one option. Wouldn't you want your family there?"

"I don't have a big family," I remind her. "I'd invite them, yeah. We'd go to a little church and get married and have a family dinner and we'd go off to somewhere romantic. Small and simple."

She takes a moment to picture it. "I think that fits you. I don't want a big wedding either. I do want a wedding party full of bride's maids and groom's men. A dinner afterwards and some cake. Just something small with flowers."

Kathy loves flowers. Since she moved back, it's like a garden in here. She should get up with Peter's mom sometime.

After hours of sitting and listening to the cursing coming from the porch, I get up and head into the kitchen.

"Hello?"

"Randy? Hey! It's Danni."

"Oh. Hey, Dan. How are you?"

"I'm good. How are you? How's that boarding school?"

"It's good. I've made some friends and all. It's just weird actually living at your school. I miss my mom."

I pull a chair over and push it against the wall. I sit down and press the phone up to my ear. It's good to hear his voice, one I haven't heard in months. "Met any girls?"

He laughs. "Some, yeah. How's things in Tulsa? Is Marilyn doing ok?"

"She's doing better. She cut all her hair off. I think she likes it though."

"Oh."

I wonder if he thinks about her a lot. Like on rainy nights when the TV's out and there's nothing to do but sit in bed and think. I wonder if he thinks about the way it ended. What she's doing at that very moment in time. If she's thinking about him too and if she's sorry, wishing things were different and they could pick the phone up and talk.

"Um," he says, pulling the conversation back. "Any reason why you called, Dan?"

"I just wanted to make sure you were ok," I say softly. "I know you had a rough year. I just needed to know you were ok."

There's a short pause in the phone call. "Yeah. Yeah I'm ok. It was a tough year for you. I mean you knew Sam and Michael too. I heard about Dally. I'm sorry. Are you ok?"

"I'm fine," I lie. "Sam and Michael weren't my best friends though."

He sighs. "I know. Some days are better than others. I know neither of them were good guys but they didn't deserve to die. I try to remember good times, ya know? That one summer when all of us were friends."

"I remember."

"Hey, look, I have class in ten."

I don't ask why he had class at five on a Friday. "Oh. I guess you should get going then."

"It was nice talking to you though."

"Yeah you too. Hey, Randy?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry...for everything you went through. It...It shouldn't have happened that way and I'm so sorry."

"It's wasn't your fault. I'll talk to you later, Danni."

* * *

"Wake up!"

"Go away."

"Wake up! I smell pancakes! Wake up, wake up, wake up!"

He continues to jump on the bed. I rotate over, taking my pillow with me and covering up my ears. It does smell good downstairs. Darry's due back today too and we're all going out to dinner tonight.

Ponyboy takes a break to catch his breath. He reaches over and pokes me in the side. "You can't sleep your birthday away. C'mon! I bet Soda made bacon too. Jennie's here too. I can hear them."

"Why is she here?" I ask.

His body falls against mine and he lay on his back, staring up at the ceiling. "I think she stayed here. They were up late talking when I went to bed. Maybe she just fell asleep."

"Maybe."

It does make me wonder though, and that's part of the reason why I decide to wake up. Soda and Jennie have been dating for months now and still have not consummated the relationship.

"What's going on with you and Soda?" I ask. The day of Darry's surgery they didn't speak much to each other. Soda's side more than Pony's. He had made an effort yesterday with the ramp but I can still tell there's some tension.

Pony shrugs, still in the same position beside me on the bed. "He said he'd talk to me about it after today. He wants Darry to be there though and for me to tell him everything."

"What is the whole story, Pone?"

He gets up off the bed, crawling past me to do it. "I'm hungry, come on."

I swing my feet over the side of the bed. I stretch out and yawn. The sun is out and it's warm. It feels good today. "You're ok though, right Pony? Nothing's going to happen to you, right?"

He gives me a genuine smile and I buy it. "Yeah. I'm good. Now come on! We're seventeen!"

Pony was right and Soda's in the kitchen with pancakes. Soda has always taken birthdays seriously and this is just tradition that he does for all of us. There's a large plate of purple and blue pancakes on the table with orange juice and Jennie.

So she did sleep here. Hmmm.

"Happy birthday babies!"

I turn around to find myself caught between two big arms in a double hug. He's showered and washed his hair. It's not a wet dog smell like usual either. It's fruity and clean...and some of it's coming from Jennie's wet hair too.

After the embrace, Soda cranks up the radio and seats us.

"Do you feel any different?" Jennie asks, sipping on her coffee. I observe her and she looks tired, like she didn't sleep much. She's wearing Soda's old workout clothes, not bothering to hide the fact that she slept here.

"No," I answer. "Seventeen seems like a useless birthday anyway. At fifteen you get your learner's permit, sixteen you drive, eighteen you get to a legal adult. Seventeen is just one step closer to legal adulthood though!"

Pony doesn't waste any time digging into the feast. Soda even sits down with us and it's the first time in ages that we've all sat down and eaten together. They talk about Darry coming home and dinner and Jennie and I talk about being glad we have the whole week off of work.

After breakfast, Soda and Pony went back to work on the ramp. Darry was due home at four and he needed some way to get in the house. I frankly could not wait to see him, even if he was going to be in a chair.

With Pony and Soda outside, it left Jennie and I alone for a minute.

"So last night..." I start the conversation off.

She grins, shaking out her hair with her fingers. "Don't get to excited. Susie was at a sleepover and Soda and I stayed up to talk and I was too tired to drive home so I slept here."

"In his bed?"

"It's not the first time we shared a bed. Remember Florida?"

How could I not? Four nights of sharing a bed with Two-Bit. That's just something you can't forget.

"I have a question for you."

"What?"

"So Soda calls me the other morning. He says he can't find you. That you went out late and didn't come home and he's freaking out. Then you just show up at the hospital. I mean, I was glad to cover for you, but where were you?"

I dry off the last dish, putting it back into the cabinet. Soda wants the house to be spotless when Darry comes home. "It was so stupid Jennie. _I_ was so stupid."

She doesn't sigh or take a minute to think. "What does Dally think about it?"

"He's angry with me. He has a right to be. _I_ went to_ him_. But my God, Jennie. I just can't! I can't forget everything from this past year. I can't forget all the lies. I just...I can't do this!"

I catch my breath. My chest is tightening. My vision blurs around the edges.

"I hate it here. I hate Dale. I hate Dally. I hate this town! I hate everything about this place. I-" My voice breaks out.

She finishes up the dishes and hands me the rest to dry. "Soda and I are taking a trip soon. At the end of April which is like a week away. Right before your exams start. We're taking a road trip to Galveston Island. You should come."

As much as I'd like to go to Texas for a week and get away from Dale and Dally, spending a week with my brother and his girlfriend on their romantic trip doesn't exactly sound like the way to do it.

"Thanks, but I don't want to be the third wheel. I was thinking of driving up to this place my parents used to take us. I've got some money saved and if I can borrow the truck, I could sleep in it."

She flicks up an eyebrow. "Do you think Darry will let you do that?"

"I need to get away. From this town, from Dally, even from him. It's been tough since Christmas, Jen. Everyday I'm in this town is just another day people are talking about me and I'm so sick of people talking about me! I'm sick of finding out more and more lies someone who was supposed to love me, told me. I'm sick of trying to figure something out I never will. I'm sick of seeing his face and this town and all the memories we have here. I just...I can't do it."

Her touch is soft, not foreign or cold like many I've felt lately. She strokes my arm as I lean over the sink to catch my breath and cry. "It's your birthday. Enjoy today. I'll help you leave."

I come up. "You will?"

"You need some time to think on your own. I think you were pretty damn stupid to do what you did the other night, but I understand how much you're hurting. This thing going on with Dally though, it's none of your business. Who cares anymore? Blow it off. Forget about Dale and whatever is going on there. Just forget it! If you go, don't you dare think about it."

It's easy to agree. It's just hard to listen.

This may not be my business. It didn't start out that way. Either way, I feel in the middle, and whether I like it or not, I'm involved. This is my business. Because it may be my fault two people are dead...by the hand of someone I loved.

* * *

Darry doesn't look like himself. He's lost muscle since he got sick but he swears he's going to gain it all back and then some. He's also vowed to go to school and put up with his chair without complaining too much.

He's had an oppifiany, as he calls it. He says that if Soda can go through life covered in scars, he can go through in a chair. He's always cared about what people think of him, but he says he's competitive, and if Soda can do it, he was going to.

"My old football coach same to see me today," he says at dinner.

He insisted on this dinner. It's an Italian place down town and it's not our normal price but he says today's special.

"What did he say?" Soda asks, slurping up noddles and splashing sauce all over his face.

"He offered me a job. He heard about my surgery. He said he was sorry and that there was a position open to be an defensive coach and he thought of my name first. He said I can do it in my chair too. I told him about the school thing and he said I could do school in the day. He wants me to get my teaching degree and come to the school to work."

Everyone nods and chews their food faster so they can congratulate him and for the first time since he got sick, he looks really happy. It's not fake and if he wasn't Superman, he'd be crying right now.

"Darry," Jennie clears her throat. "Danni was talking to me today about something and I think she should do it."

He turns to me. "Oh, what?"

I put my fork down. I'd practiced my speech in the mirror before I got here. "I was thinking, um, that I would take a road trip to that place Mom and Dad used to take us in the country. I could use your truck and camp out. I'd only be gone for a little while. It'd be a quiet place to study for exams."

Even a proposition like this doesn't stop him from eating in-between words. "You'd go alone?"

"Yeah."

"It'd be a spiritual thing," Jennie steps in, seeing Darry's reluctance. "Like her being one with nature and her environment. I've done lots of trips like that. It's really great for focusing and studying. I think it'd be good for her."

He shrugs, spinning a fork around his pasta and taking a big bite. "Ok. I guess that'd be ok. Can you miss school?"

Did he just say ok? He said ok. "I haven't missed but one day this semester."

"You'd take my truck?"

I nod, not sure if he's actually buying this. But he is? Isn't he? He's buying this! "I'd fill it up before I brought it back."

"Ok. When are you going?"

"In a week?"

"Ok. Yeah, that sounds fun."

Jennie winks at me, taking a sip of her beer.

So this is what it is. I was going to the country on my own. Just me and the truck and the radio. I'd take a few books to read and a few texts books to hold up my promise on studying. I'd lie in the bed of the truck and look up at the stars at night and play the radio loud. I wouldn't think about anything but Abraham Lincoln and Holden Caulfield.

After dinner came cake and gifts. We didn't expect much. With medical bills and Darry not working, the restaurant would have been enough of a gift but Darry insisted on us unwrapping something.

Pony got some new socks and his own copy of Lord of Flies - his new favorite. I got tights (Kathy noticing my good pair was also the ones with holes at the knees), and hair clips.

Darry also insisted on us walking home. It was more of a walk than anyone wanted to do.

"What are those?" Pony points to the vase sitting in front of the door on the porch. "Are those flowers?" He runs up there and the rest of us follow. "It doesn't say who it's from but they're for Danni."

He hands me the little card that's attached. They're roses. Red roses. There's a dozen of them all neatly packed in a glass vase. _Happy Birthday, Danni._

"Who do you think they're from?" Kathy asks, picking them up and smelling them. "I love roses! They are so beautiful. Oh wow, one of them is black? A black rose? Is that marker? What do you think that means? Who would send these?"

It isn't the long walk that's winded me.

"You can have them," I say, going inside and heading to my room. I take one rose with me, pressing the thorn against my finger as I go into my room and sit in front of the door.

Blood eventually coats the rose, making it red again. It covers the black peddles as I pluck each one out until it's just a stem. The peddles lay around me on the floor. Black and evil they lay. Death represents the black. Love represents the red.

Death and love. Love, then death.

_Love. Love. Love. You can't feel me, no. Like I feel you. I can't steal you, no. Like you stole me. And I want you in my life. And I need you in my life. La la la la. La la la la._

* * *

**A/N:** The next chapter is one of my favorites. Again, big chapter._  
_


	33. God Bless Us Everyone

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the _Outsiders,_ or the song "Carry On My Wayward Son" (For all you SPN lovers out there!)

**A/N: **Thank you all so much for the reviews. I hope you enjoy this chapter!

Would you guys like it if I maybe updated Thursday or Wednesday? If I do that then I'll post _Dear Winston_ on Sunday instead of then. It's up for debate. Read the chapter and decide.

* * *

_Once I rose above the noise and confusion. Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion. I was soaring ever higher, but I flew too high. Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man. Though my mind could think I still was a mad man. I hear the voices when I'm dreaming. I can hear them say,_

New York was a hell of a place. Don't get me wrong, Tulsa is pretty boss, but New York, man. Nothing beats the city with streets of gold and dead rats. Nothing.

It'd snow. Real snow. A lot of people here haven't even seen snow before.

We'd go in the streets, all of us neighbor kids. We'd build these forts on either side of the road and hunch behind them. We'd have snowball fights until it got dark out and make snowmen that the older neighbors thought were "disgraceful". They meant an awful lot to us through. Those were times when we were kids. We had no problems. Just snowmen with penises.

I miss that apartment on the West side by the Drug Store and Raymond's Flowers. I miss it a lot.

As usual, I don't knock when I go into the apartment on the top floor with the cross on the door. I could smell her on the first floor. She's here. So I go right on in.

"Hello, darling, Daddy's home!"

The sink's running when I first come in, it suddenly stops once I speak.

There are new decorations up. More pictures and God shit everywhere and scripture. She's even got some flowers in a vase on the dresser. Though, inside of the norm, there's a fresh bottle of happy pills right beside her bed.

She's not wearing heels like normal, and I don't hear her when she comes in the room. I'm sitting on her bed, reading one of the cheesy motivation quotes she has framed up, when she stops and stands in front of me.

"Character is like a tree and reputation like a shadow. The shadow is what we think of it the tree is the real thing. What the hell is this- oh fuck!"

Her stringy blonde hair is matted. Her nose has a small pool of dried blood that once trailed to her open mouth. She grunts softly as she lifts her head up. Tears trickle form her blood-shot eyes and coat the purple bruises underneath. They run down until they meet her swollen lips and more dried blood, rewetting it.

I stand up, confused and angry. Her skin's so delicate and purple, blue, and red. I slowly take it in my hands, feeling her tears as they hit my hand. "What-"

"What do you think?"

She pulls away, forcefully, but soft enough so I can't hurt her. "No! No, I don't know!"

Her small kitchen is in the same room. She struggles to bend over to the bottom shelf of the fridge. She comes up, moaning in pain, with two bottles of beer.

She pops the cap off, sliding mine to me. "Think hard. Think of something I did that I shouldn't have. I know the list is long, but this is something I did for someone else. You know. It's your story after all."

"You didn't."

"She came to see me about two weeks ago. I-I didn't know I was telling her that much. I was stupid to think someone wasn't listening. They were outside the coffee shop, waiting for a chance to jump. So they waited until I least expected it...I was coming home from church. From fucking _church_."

Without thinking, she lets her hair cover her face. Her short sleeves reveal her arms that match her face. Pulling the back of her shirt up, I can see the extent of the beating.

She hisses as she puts it back in place. "Don't, Dally. Just don't."

"What do you mean _don't_?" I demand. "I'm going to kill him! Mark my fucking words, Sylvia. I will murder this son-of-a-bitch. He thinks _he_ runs this town? Ha, well he's got another thing coming. Where is he?"

Her breathing picks up and she drinks more and more. "I said don't."

Normally she'd be screaming. The old Sylvia would be throwing a fit. She'd throw herself in my arms, telling me all about it with her screeching meow. Then she'd make me kill whoever did this to her and she'd watch. She was stronger then, I think. Now she's broken down and quiet. Sylvia Mason has never in her life been quiet.

"This has nothing to do with you!" I shout, banging my fists against the table. She jumps. "They ain't got no right to do what they did! Look at you! What did you say to her?"

She rubs her face, trying to block out the yelling. I know I shouldn't, but it's all I know. "I just told her some things about Maggot and Dale. Nothing I thought..."

My teeth slide against each other. "Where is she?"

"I-I don't know. We haven't talked since then."

"They were following her. You know that? That's how they knew you were at the coffee shop with her. They're following her. They're going to_ kill_ her! Tell me where the fuck they are!"

She winces the louder I get. Her cries get louder and I breathe a little and go into the bathroom.

"Here," I say, coming out with a concoction of pain meds. My own special recipe. "Put the beer away and take these. They'll numb the pain for a while. You go see a doctor?"

She shakes her head as she dry swallows the pills. "No money."

I dig in my pocket. "Here." I throw the waded bills out on the table. It's dirty money. They did this, might as well use their money to pay to fix it. "Go see a doctor as soon as I leave. No, I'll take you myself. You gotta think though, Syl."

The depth of her scars comes out. She bends over the table, struggling to breathe and take all the pain put upon her.

The more I look at her, the more I want blood.

The more I worry.

She sighs. She looks innocent. No make-up. Her hair's not done. She's in ratty baggy clothes. She's a different person that's destroyed her old body. "They were saying they were going to the shop."

"Rick's shop?"

"I think so. I'm not sure, Dally. I'm just not sure. They hit my head. They hit my _head_!"

She's broken. Her back bends catlike, and she breaks. Her tears hit the stained counter as she sobs out. The cries aren't loud and she's not screaming.

It's then I realize how much she's been through - how much I've probably put her through in the years. And I blame myself for something else. Did I do this to her? Did I send her over the edge so badly that she wanted to kill herself? That she went to a mental hospital for three months?

If it weren't for me, she'd still be the girl with big pink bows, long skirts, and a innocent mind. Instead, Sylvia Mason is beaten. She's beaten because of me and what I told her.

I rest my hand on her back, trying to coach her to stand up. It's odd, but I don't know of anything else to do. Everything seems like my fault. It is. Might be time to start trying to fix the things I've broken.

She gets up right away and embraces me in a hug. She hugs tighter than I do, but as long as I'm a warm body, I don't think she cares if I touch her at all.

We're close. Her head is below my chin and when she looks up; I already know what she's thinking. She lifts her head upwards, kissing me slowly, waiting for me to kiss her back.

She's tender and hurt so I don't push her hard, just enough so she knows to stop, and she does. We stand there, the same position as before, only this time she can't look at me.

She rubs her swollen, beaten lips. "Dally...I just wanted to see-"

"My car's out front. Let's go."

She doesn't say another word, just goes to get her coat and purse and stands by the door. "You're in love with her aren't you? You never stopped."

I grab my jean jacket, and follow her down the stairs that are coated with her blood. Today, I'll make them coated with someone else's blood. Someone's_ dead_ blood.

* * *

"Dallas!"

A cigarette dangles from my lips. I let smoke roll off the corner of my mouth.

"Dallas! I know you can hear me! Hey, hey, wait up!"

After I take Sylvia to the hospital, I decide to take a stroll through town - go see some friends. She made me stay with her while the doctors examined and taped things. I wasn't really paying attention. I was plotting.

An hour later, they admit her for dehydration of all things. That cost Dale a pretty penny.

Five bruised ribs, two black eyes, pop eye vessel or some shit, broken nose, busted lip.

When asked what happened, she responded the standard way: "I was at a party. A girl and I shared some words. We were both drunk. I don't even remember her name." And no one asked another question.

I pause, taking a second to flick the ash off my stick and blow smoke from the corner of my mouth. "What do you want, Pete? I got some shit I gotta take care of. Might wanna make it quick or I might take my anger out on your baby face."

He's out of breath by the time he reaches me. He acts as if he ran across town to get to me. "I...Oh God you're fast. Listen, I need to talk to you man-to-man."

"Oh this should be rich."

He coughs, still searching for air. "I think you should leave Danni alone. I-I saw you with her at the hospital. She doesn't need you to bother her. So just leave, alright?"

I find a light post and lean against it. I get a fresh cigarette out and continue to listen.

"I'm better for her. I promise I won't hurt her. You just need to stay away."

Casually, I blow smoke in the direction of his face. "Like pretending to like her for Dale ain't gonna hurt her."

"This has nothing to do with Dale! Why do people keep on saying that? Look, Dale doesn't tell me a lot of things. We don't even talk about Danni. I met Danni in Florida. I had no idea who she was."

"Sure you didn't."

"I did not pretend to like her! I love her! I swear!"

He's like, what, five? He doesn't know what love is. His mommy still dresses him in sweaters and slacks.

I take a few minutes to enjoy my cigarette before speaking again. "Listen, kid, I got a lot of shit I got to do today. Now I don't give two fucks if you talk to Dale or not. You're just a fly to me. Just get one thing straight: You go near Curtis again, and I'll hide your body so well that your grandchildren will still be looking for it."

He, of course, follows when I leave. He yells but I tone most of it out. It's things I've heard before and I've got a bigger fish I need to catch and fry.

"If you really loved her you'd stay away from Dale too, ya know!"

I stop this time. I had a few minutes. "Alright kid," I grab him by the shirt, shoving him into the brick wall beside us, not caring who sees us from the street, "you wanna play tough guy, let's have it. Hit me."

"Put me down!"

"Hit me!"

"No!"

"Alright then."

I drive my fist into his nose. It's not hard enough to break but blood pours out faster than I've ever seen. Of course he's a crier too. As soon as I release him it's all: "my nose! You broke my nose!" Boo fucking who.

Watching from the comfort of the light post, I smirk. "Hey, kid. If you _loved_ her so much, and I use that term loosely because I'm about to throw up if I think about it anymore, why did you let her brother join up with Dale?"

Blood is all over his pretty boy sweater. It looks like that one's ruined. He gazes up, still holding his nose. "What?"

"Don't play dumb. I'm getting real sick of that act. You ain't dumb. I hear you're a fucking boy genius, so act like it."

There's a pool under his feet. He notices it and starts to get sick. "I don't know anything about her brother, alright? All I know is that Dale talks about him being real important."

"And you just so happened not to ask why your girlfriend's brother is so important?"

"I'm not Dale's right hand man," he says. "He doesn't tell me anything. It's not my place to ask. You know how it is. You stay in your place or you pay for it. Just leave me alone, please? I don't know anything about this and if I talk about Dale anymore you know that I'm dead. I promise though, I'd never do that to Danni. Never!"

The noise around us stops and a blue 1966 DeVille pulls up, right on cue.

Like an old gangster movie, black shoes swing around all sides of the car and boys in black step out from every end.

Peter stands up straight, like the Sargent is here and he wants to be on his best behavior so he won't get spanked. He continues to stand like this until Dale parks himself in front of us.

He only pays attention to me, so Peter's perfect posture goes unnoticed. "Hello, Dallas."

"Dale."

"H-Hi, Dale," Peter pops up.

Dale's men stand behind him. Everyone's there but Doogie. I wonder why he isn't with the other dogs, but I don't ask. There isn't any time. I liked him the best. It's a shame really.

"So Dally," Dale says, rubbing his chin and stepping up on the sidewalk. "I think we are in need of a talk, don't you? I thought our last one would have been enough, but I guess not."

"Guess not."

The streets are empty. We're on the backside of town on a Thursday afternoon, but no one is here.

Dale hums a little. "So, what's the problem here, Dally? I hear you've been questioning what we are trying to do here. You know the rules _and_ the agreement. Maggot won't be too happy to hear about this."

"So you gonna be the one to tell him?" I ask. "Or should I call him up myself? You know, I just might. We're in the need of a good talk. Maybe I should ask him how he feels on a group of overgrown apes beating up on a girl."

Dale glares behind me as Peter has taken to hiding. "Whatcha' doin' Peter?"

Peter looks to me for help, then at his shoes. "Dally and I were just talkin'."

"'Bout what?"

"Just...nothing. The weather."

Dale takes a step around me so his target is now Peter. "What happened to your nose? Must have been some talk you were having with Dally here."

"Leave the kid alone," I bark. "We're talking here, Dale. Peter, scram."

He doesn't hesitate, not even to look to Dale for approval. He knows this isn't his fight, but he has one coming soon.

Dale walks back over to me, his head in the air. "You know how this works, Dally. We ain't too fond of rats here."

"She didn't do _anything_," I hiss.

Dale's slicked back hair shines as the setting sun hits it right. He pushes his lips together, thinking. "What's the real problem here, Dal? Don't tell me you're all pissed about some cheap whore getting a little scratch."

"I'm done doing you favors," I say through my teeth. "I'm not your pet, Dale. I'm not doing anymore. I'm done. I wasn't put on to do this. "

"Oh but you were, Dally. Don't you remember?"

It's just the two of us on the sidewalk. His goons are still on the street, watching with conspicuous eyes and toothpicks in their mouths. "I'm done."

He hums again, thinking that over, not liking it. "I don't think so."

"You're not my boss."

"Does the real problem have something to do with that little pet you have? The Curtis girl, right? Is she the problem here, Dally? 'Cause I'm sure Maggot will be happy to know _all _about her."

I tighten up my fists. I breathe slowly out of my nose to control my anger. "Don't touch her. You touch her, I'll kill all of you, I swear to God, Dale! We ain't fuckin' around here! Leave her alone and leave me alone because I'm done working for you."

"I don't think I'll do that. You know what I will do? I'll take that nice piece of ass for a ride. That is, before I gut her and feed her to my dog."

I can't breathe anymore. It's gone too far. My heart attacks first. I get one hit in before my arms are pinned back and there's a tight fist driving into my stomach over and over.

There's got to be eight guys holding me back. It's all they can do to hold me there, but they manage.

I can't get loose. My blood starts to pour on the sidewalk beside Peter's and the hits keep coming.

I don't plead or beg. I shut my eyes and try to block out the pain. It's been two minutes. I think I can make it to five. I just wonder if they'll let me go that long. Everything hurts and I'm not standing on my feet anymore. My lower have has gone limp, and the rest of my body isn't too far behind.

It's then I realized all this isn't some movie. There was no girl or Prince Charming. Just a villain and a story I couldn't finish but I sure did start it.

So as Dale and his crew give me hit after hit, I think about how this all started, and how badly I wanted it all to end. I wanted everything to go back to normal but I know it's not possible. Everything's too far gone. There have been too many lies, too many broken hearts, too many lives.

I'm not stronger than them. I'm not strong at all.

Then, everything just went black, and I was done.

_Carry on my wayward son. There'll be peace when you are done. Lay your weary head to rest. Don't you cry no more. Carry on my wayward son. There'll be peace when you are done. Lay your weary head to rest. Don't you cry no more._


	34. Lasts a Lifetime

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the _Outsiders_ or the song "Under the Water".

**A/N: **This song is my new favorite. Sorry for yet another Pretty Reckless song.

I apologize for not updating Wednesday or Thursday as promised. As soon as I promised, I received a 12 page paper assignment for my college class. I will try to live up to that promise this week instead.

Anyway, enjoy:

* * *

_Broken lines, across my mirror. Show my face, all red and bruised. And though I screamed and I screamed, well, no one came running. No I wasn't saved, I wasn't safe from it let the water drag you down. Don't let the water drag you down._

Everyone's talking about prom. It's all I hear when I walk through the halls: "Did you get your dress? What color? You're going with_ him_? Who are you going with? Oh my God! I heard the punch is going to get spiked this year as a prank!"

Sarah got her dress last weekend. I know this because Pony asked Darry where a good place to rent a tux was and Soda promised he'd take him this week. It's apparently purple with puffy sleeves.

I should talk to her. Pony's been bugging me enough. I've forgiven him, so I should her too. I've almost forgot what I'm really mad at her about. Johnny's gone. Sadly, I sometimes forget he's not here. When I do though, I get sad and mad.

I make a point to stand in front of her second period before lunch. She's the last one out, slowly gathering up all her books and stuffing them in her overgrown bag.

"Sarah," I say softly, drawing her attention. "A-Are you eating lunch outside today?"

She packs her lunch every day - one sandwich, one pudding cup, one baggy of carrots, and a napkin with a handwritten note by her grandma, telling her to have a good day.

She looks surprised to see me. She lifts up from her things and nods, smiling. "Yeah. Do you wanna go now?"

I follow her around back to the square. The last time I was here was with Peter. It's gotten warmer and most of the Socs had taken over but you can find a few greasers here and there.

We take a seat under the oak tree. She pulls out her lunch and starts eating. We sit in silence for a while.

"So, you excited about prom?" I ask.

She can't help but look excited even though she's nervous about this conversation. "Yeah. Are you going?"

"I haven't decided yet. I'm going out of town right before so I doubt it. I don't have money for a dress or anything."

She sinks her teeth into the peanut butter sandwich. "So what have you been up to? I heard about Peter. I'm sorry. I really liked him. Dally's back though I hear."

I pick around my school lunch salad bowel. "Yeah." I lay my fork down, fed up with the rabbit food. "Look Sarah, I'm sorry I've been ignoring you. It's just...Pony's my brother and as his sister, I want to protect him."

"I did a bad thing," she says with her head hung. "I know. I like Pony a lot though. I've tried to apologize to Johnny again but no one knows where he's at. I feel so bad, Danni. I really do. Sometimes I feel like I've made a bad mistake."

"Don't." I shake my head. "Don't do that to yourself, or to my brother."

It's silence again. I know I've offended her but I go back to picking out carrots from my salad regardless.

It's windy out. Today is the first day it hasn't rained. The weather people on TV this morning were talking about how bad it was going to get later this week though.

With the new clear weather, come more people wanting to eat outside.

"I'm sorry," she says again. "I know I've messed up. I just….i thought out of all people you'd understand."

I don't look up from my food. "Understand what?"

"How you can love someone you're not supposed to. How it feels to be in so much pain because you love them and you know it's wrong but you don't know what else to do. I went about it the wrong way. I know this. You were my friend though. You went…or are going through the same thing. I thought you of all people would get it."

I lay the paper bowel down on the ground. It's really beautiful today. The breeze blows through my hair. "Do you wanna come on my trip with me?"

* * *

School days seem longer now. We only have three more weeks left before summer. The dance is next weekend. Everyone's going off this weekend. It's only Friday and all the stores downtown are packed.

Pony and I walk home from school today. He's still sorta in trouble so I guess my job is to watch him. Sarah would walk with us but he's been put on hold with that too until otherwise. He's still allowed to go to prom because he already made a promise to Sarah.

I think he's glad he gets to go. Pony likes those kinds of things. I think it's because of Cherry.

"Do you have any homework tonight?" he asks me. He stops to find a rock to kick the rest of the way home.

Both our eyes watch the rock with each kick. "No. You?"

"No. Do you have any plans today or tomorrow?"

I shrug. "I need to pack. I'm leaving Sunday evening. Why?"

He doesn't answer right away. He acts as if he doesn't want to ask. "I was wondering….Are you going to prom? I could find you a date if you want. We could go as a group and get dinner or something?"

There's no date I would want. Still, it interests me why he cares so much. "I dunno, Pone. Do you want me to go?"

He shrugs. "I don't know. I think you'd have fun."

"Maybe."

"Tim. We could ask Tim to take you. You guys are still friends, right?"

I know he's being nice and I try not to laugh so it's noticeable. He's trying. I can only imagine what going to prom with Tim Shepard would be like or what it would cause. "I don't think so."

"Curly?"

"Does he even go to our school anymore?"

"He's a senior."

"Oh."

We continue to walk until we get to the start of our road when a faint yelling comes behind us. "Danni!" Both of us turn around. It's Peter running toward us, tripping over himself he's so out of breath. "Danni!"

Once he reaches us, he barrels over and puts his hands on his knees.

"Peter?"

"I...Jesus I need to get in shape!" He coughs until his lungs are full again and he can stand up. "Hey, listen, we need to talk. I don't know if you know, but Dally is real bad. Dale and his boys beat him up yesterday really bad."

Pony's eyes get wide. I watch as they grow, knowing he knows more than I do. "Is he ok? What happened?"

"They beat up some girl. I don't know who but Dally was really pissed about it and-"

I stop him. "Sylvia?"

"Yeah, I think so. But anyway, Dally went to find Dale. He was really pissed. He told Dale he was done working for him and, Pony you know, you don't just quit."

My head darts over to him, wanting an explanation or something, but I don't get anything.

Peter finishes his story as I continue to stare at Pony. "They have some agreement or something Dally's not supposed to back out of. So they said some words and his boys and Dale beat the hell out of him. There was blood everywhere! I've never seen anything like that before. I...He wasn't doing so good."

"Did you call the police?" I snap. "You saw it, Peter. Why didn't you do anything about it?"

He looks to Pony for some help. "Danni, you don't just call the police when something like this happens."

"Why?"

"That's not the point!" His voice gets higher. His hands are shaking. "Listen, I heard what Dale said to Dally. Danni, Dale's going to come after you. That's what the fight was about. Dale has some big plan. I never knew what it was before but it involves getting you. Dale's coming after you. Dally was trying to stop him but..."

I shake my head, I'm done hearing this. "Go away, Peter."

Pony grabs my hand so I can't make the dramatic exit I was hoping for. "Danni, just wait."

"Pony," I say quietly. "Did you ever leave?"

Silence washes over. There's a bird singing in the tree above Johnny's old empty house. The walls have cracked. The roof fell in after one of the storms we had. It's broken. No one's home.

Peter's still with us. He takes a step closer to me. "Danni, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry about all this. Did you get my flowers though? I had them sent for your birthday."

"You sent me the flowers?"

"Yeah, why was one of them black?" Pony asks.

His eyebrows go together as he narrows his eyes. "Black? Roses aren't black."

"Someone sprayed it," Pony clarifies, obviously caring too much about the flower that means nothing to him.

I shake my head again. I don't know who I expected sent the flowers. Maybe I was just wishful thinking or hoping my birthday was remembered. "Just forget. Thanks for the flowers, Peter. But I...I just really need to go."

"Danni, I'm sorry!" He runs after me, stopping me again by pulling on my arm. "I'm really sorry. Just tell me what you want me to do. I'll do anything to make you feel differently about me."

"Who is Dale? What is going on? Tell me that."

Both of them sigh and look to the ground. This is the response I get every time. "Danni, you need to get somewhere safe. Look, I can't explain everything, but Danni just listen."

"I said leave!" My throat is one fire. Tears won't to come out so bad it stings. "Go away Peter! Leave me alone! Stay away from me. I don't care! Just leave me alone!"

I shake Pony off, marching home alone by myself.

"Danni, please!"

Alone, with no one around, is when I do my best crying.

* * *

"Danielle!"

The sound of my full name wakes me up from my nap. It's dark by now. I figure it's about dinner time but I don't smell any food like normal.

I shake my bed head away and fully sit up on the bed. The sound came from downstairs - Darry's voice. I picture him busting into my room, screaming, but then I realize he can't come up to my bedroom.

I take my time as I get ready to go downstairs. I can recognize Darry's angry voice anywhere.

He's in his chair in the kitchen. "Get in here, now. We gotta talk."

There's this thing with starting a conversation up with that cliché. No one ever knows what to expect. Usually the bad. It's a trick in the conversation to play with your mind and make you worry even before you receive the news. I hated that term, and I promised myself never to use it.

I take a sit, watching my moves so I don't jump too soon and trigger an attack. I'm expecting one anyway, but creatures like him like to play with their food first.

He throws a sheet of paper onto the table aggressively I don't pick it up. I can tell by the color what it is. "So I've been gone so you start to slack? Do you even go to school at all, Danni?"

To the place full of people who hate me and constantly judge me? To where I'm alone with no friends? "I go to school! I'm taking hard classes, remember? I'm sorry about my grades. I'm working on getting them up. I promise."

Ok, that's a lie. My grades have dropped because I'm a junior and it's almost summer and I don't care. I haven't tried to get them up either. I really need to stop lying about stuff. I'm supposed to be the honest one.

"I really hope you are," he says, still obviously angry. "But until then, you're not going on that trip."

My heart sinks. I can't believe what I'm hearing. "Why? Darry, please! I promise they'll come up. You already said yes! I told Sarah she could come with me. I have my bag packed." Ok, that's a lie too, but I'm desperate. "Please don't do this to me."

"Sit down." He points to the chair beside him. His voice is softer so I follow his order. "What is wrong, Danni? You mope around here all day. You never go out anymore. You're sleeping all day long. Do we need to call that theorist you talked to after Angela died? We have the money for it if that's what you need."

I knew that last part was a lie. I saw the bank balance. "I don't need a therapist. I'm ok, Darry."

"I don't believe you. Soda and I have been talking. He says you were getting better and then right after you and Peter ended, you went back to the way you were before. Now I know Dally is back and I know I haven't been around to help you with that and Soda's been busy, but you can't let him dictate your life."

I hated that word. I hated feeling even further beneath Dally. I also hated making Darry and Soda worry when they shouldn't be thinking about me. They had enough problems with bills and work to worry about me.

I sigh. "I just don't want to talk about it, ok Darry?"

"Ok," he says, not accepting the answer but letting it go until later. "You're still not going, Danni."

"What?" I jump out of my seat. "Because I won't tell you what's wrong? That's not far!"

"No, it's because of your grades," he says sternly in a dad voice. "I don't know who you think you're talking to, but you yell at me like that again and I'll knock your head off."

I remain out of my seat. "This isn't fair!"

"Life isn't fair! Look at me! I can't walk, or have you even noticed with your head so far up your ass?"

Soda enters the room, Pony beside him and Kathy. Darry had them go outside to build more ramps but with the yelling, they decided to come back in and see what's going on.

My heart sinks again, but this time I just feel like crying. I had hardly spoken to Darry since after the surgery. While everyone was celebrating him being alive, I was handling my own issues that I created on a night that shouldn't have happened.

I slowly sit back down. "I-I'm sorry. Darry, I-"

"Forget it. It's fine."

"What's going on here?" Soda asks.

I don't want to, but I start to cry. I look down at my hands and try to control my breathing so my body doesn't think I'm sad enough to cry, but it doesn't work. I've been trying that trick all week and it never works.

To even think about crying makes me cry. I don't know what I'm crying about right now. There isn't just _one_ thing.

Darry clears his throat, handing Soda my report card and letting him skim it. "Danni's grades are pretty bad and I told her she couldn't go off on that trip she wanted to take."

Soda gazes up from the paper. His eyes are softer than Darry's but he's obviously a little upset. "Your grades are bad?"

"Yeah," I answer softly. "I just haven't been able to focus I guess."

Darry cross his arms over his chest. "I tired asking her what's wrong but she won't talk to me."

Soda cocks an eyebrow, setting the paper down. "Danni?"

I shake my head, stopping my crying for a second to rub my eyes. "Just...just leave me alone...Please."

"No," he says sternly and strong. "Danni we can't leave you alone. Something's wrong."

Someone to my side shifts to their other foot. "Peter told us something after school," Pony pops up. "He said something happened to Dally."

I want to call someone. Someone who matters. I want to tell her everything that has happened and go across the street to her house and cry to her. I want her to yell at me, to give me advice, and to take care of me.

But that's not going to happen...because she can't hear me. She can't help me. She's dead.

I keep a steady breath. It helps. The doctors said it helped to think about something happy. To calm yourself. "Stop...just stop talking about him. I don't care, ok? I don't care he got hurt."

"Danni," this one's Kathy. "Do you want to go see him? I'll take you to see him."

"She doesn't _need_ to see him," Darry growls a little. "Just don't, Kathy. The best thing for her to do is to stay away from Dallas. We got one kid involved in gang violence, we don't need another."

She pleads with him, "Darry..."

"Just stop treating me like I'm insane!" I shout. "Stop treating me like I'm injured and I need taken care of. I-I'm fine! I don't care about Dally. I don't care about what he does. I don't care about what he did. I don't care that he never loved me. I don't care that he lied to me over and over again for over a year. I don't care that he hurt me. I don't care that he got beat up. I don't care that he was doing it for me. I don't care about Dally! Why can't you understand that?"

Kathy's hand touches mine. Everyone else is just observing. They don't know what to say. Nothing is right so they search their brain for something to take away this silence, but it's Kathy who stops it.

Her hand is soft and smooth. Her ring touches my skin. "Why don't me and you go get some dinner or something?"

"I don't want to talk Kathy," I mumble. "I don't want to talk at_ all._ All I want is to go back. Go back to when nothing mattered, and everything was fine. Back to when I was _happy_. When I was happy with him."

Darry's voice is raspy and thick. "Danni, this has to stop."

I stand up, shoving my chair under the table. "Excuse me."

"Danni!"

He'd chance after me too if he could. I rush to the only place in the house with a lock.

I can hear a pair of footsteps run up the stairs but they quickly turn to silence as I slide down the door and sit on the cold ground that is the bathroom. Here I don't stop my crying. It can't be stopped.

This pain inside just won't go away.

I say I'm sorry but I don't know what for.

At this point, I'm afraid my own reality. Isn't that the saddest thing? Being afraid of reality over dreams? My feelings are worse. They terrify me. Every bone in my body is telling me that I'm right and to turn away but my heart tells me something else. Isn't that something? After all the pain and sorrow and tears and lies, I can feel this way?

It hurts. It's physical pain. It's a breakdown that never stops. No one understands. I don't understand. I don't understand how I can have these feelings, or how someone can be that important.

Love is bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People lie and people break. Things aren't as they seem. Someone you loved and thought you knew can turn into a different person overnight. Things you never thought they'd do, they did. You didn't know them at all. That hurts.

That person...That person won't go away. And the love sticks. They fight for you. Is all that enough to erase the bad? Or do we all crave that bad, just so we can have the good again?

Is that why I went to Dally that night? To have the good again?

Maybe he is good.

I can't do this anymore. I don't know what to do anymore. There's so many questions unanswered. So many feelings that is too strong that they physically hurt.

It's a shame when you look forward to sleep every day, just so you can escape the reality you've fucked up.

I just want to go back...To go back in time. To fix all this.

Everything shatters. The mirror is thrown to the ground and pieces fly under imperfect cracks. I sit against the wall, wishing I had a cigarette, and think about how fucked up this whole world is. How fucked up everyone is.

How fucked up love is. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. But pain hurts. Pain isn't understood.

I can't handle this. I'm not strong. I'm not strong at all.

_Lay my head, under the water. Aloud I pray, for calmer seas. And when I wake from this dream, with chains all around me. No, I've never been, I've never been free. No, I've never been, I've never been free. No, I've never been, I've never been free._


	35. Here's the Bottom Line

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the _Outsiders_ or the song "Turn Into Earth".

**A/N: **Despite the lack of reviews, I'm still going to uphold my promise of updating today.

* * *

_How your restless hungry eyes. Speak of cloudy summer skies. The morning dew, turns into rain. Lonely winds will call my name. Dying leaves of seasons brown. Losing life as they drift down. Too soon in life. Return to earth. Only they can know their worth._

There's this thing with smoking. Once you've developed a habit, that first draw on a new cigarette brings a wave of relief that you have been craving for what seems like days, though it's only been hours. You feel like the smoke rolling off your lips. It's as if your soul is dying to escape and slowly, through cigarettes, it does. The smoke takes away the bad - the pain.

It's raining again. I've been watching _Gilligan's Island_ until I'm sick. These chips are stale, I'm out of smokes and pain medication, and this knife in my hand is the only thing that's solid.

I've read the same headline in the paper, sitting on the coffee table, about ten times: **Black Man Shot Dead on Streets.**

There's a whole article underneath about equality. The thing about equality though is everyone's only equal when they're dead. Everyone hates everyone. There is no love and equality. That's just a bunch of loaded shit rich white folks and hippies want you to buy into and try to shove on everyone else.

Whites hate whites. Blacks hate blacks. It's the way the world is shaped and formed - around the foundation of such hate.

It's how we, as humans, are fueled.

There's a knock at the door. I'm expecting it to be Rick who forgot his keys here before he left. I'm hoping it's not. I've had enough lectures and I'm afraid of what I might do if I hear another one.

I'm nineteen years old - going on twenty. I'm an old man, not a kid who still needs disaplin and quidence.

I'm what you might call, a Free Spirit - or a JD Hood.

"Come on!" I shout. I'm not getting up. I can't. This bowel of chips on my lap is too heavy.

The door swings open as they escape the pouring rain. "Fuck, what happened to you?"

"What the hell are you doing here? Have you lost your fucking mind!?"

I could have gotten up if I could and beaten someone's head in, but my legs and stomach and ribs ache.

He shakes the wet out of his hair. "I heard what happened. Emily called me. I took three trains to get here and a taxi. I came as soon as I found out. You should be thanking me for caring so much."

I look at him like he's lost his mind. He must have to talk to me that way. "What? I told you not to come here again!_ Everyone_ told you never to come here again. Remember, ace?"

His age shows more and more. He's grown since I last saw him but he still looks like the fifteen, almost sixteen, year old kid with no clue as to what's really out there. "So how are you?"

"How does it look like I am?" I bum a smoke off of him and relax for a second. "You're the one taking years off my life. You know someone saw you come here, right? Fucking idiot."

He clears his voice. There's a cough in the back of his throat. I don't ask how long he's been sick or how long he's ignored it and not taken anything. "Mom called me. She's worried about you. You should call her."

I roll my eyes. "She's not _my_ mother. She's _yours_."

"_Rose_ called me," he corrects himself with a tone. "She's worried about you. You should call her."

I take a sip of my warm, stale beer. The pain becomes less. I need more medication if I'm going to get through this conversation. I know Rick has something somewhere he's hiding. "Smartass."

"She raised you, Dally," he says with a lecture tone. "'Least you can do is call the woman."

"Yeah she_ raised_ me. You know why she raised me, Ron? Because _my_ mother is dead. My mother was _killed_. Do you know who killed my mother, Ronnie?"

I steadily let smoke roll off my lips. I've lost count how many this makes just for today. It's only eleven, and I know I had three packs when I started out the day. I needed something stronger. A lot stronger.

"Dally I just want to help."

"Leave, that'd help me out a lot."

He doesn't take no for an answer. Instead he leaps up like he's a rebel, disobeying me. "Let me help. I promise I won't screw up. You need help, Dally. Let me help you, please?"

"This is all up to me now, Ron. I gotta fix it on my own. I'm going to fix it. I'm going to end all this once in for all."

I feel like an old man when I manage to get up. I hope I don't live to be over fifty. That's a loaded wish though. I won't live past twenty. What's the opposite of nostalgia? Anticipation? Yeah, I anticipate death. I relish in the fact that one day, I'll be dead.

It's a coward thing to do, and I'd never admit it to anyone, but the truth of the matter is: death haunts me. It has my whole life and I've been running from it ever since I learned to walk.

I'm so fucking tired. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of giving a fuck every day. There's nothing to give a fuck about anymore. I fucked that up. _I'm_ a fuck up.

Maybe I deserve to die. That'd make the score even, right? Trade one life for another?

I head down the hall. Ronnie doesn't follow and I'm glad. My bedroom's the one closest to the living room. It used to be an old sewing room by the old lady that owned it before.

My dresser is against wall beside the door. I make sure Ronnie didn't follow before pulling my Remington out of the top.

"How are you going to end it, Dally?"

I click the bullets in, loading up the gun. "Trust me, Ron. I'm gonna finish this. I'm going to end this for good."

* * *

Sometime later that same day, Ronnie decided to take a shower. Apparently there were some pretty hellish people on all those trains he went on. I let him have a few minutes of peace before I lay into him again.

Am I being harsh? Ain't that what big brothers are supposed to do though? Look out an knock some heads if need be? I don't know, I'm kind of new at this. That's what the Curtis' do though so maybe I'm doing it right.

I take a load off and sit down at the kitchen table. Rick keeps a lot of envelopes and stamps and paper in the kitchen drawers. I take a handful, the shoe box I keep under my bed, and sit down with a pen.

_Dear, Da-_

There's another knock at the door. This time the back one. I yell again, putting everything up quickly and chucking it behind me so no one can see it. "It's open!"

Sodapop wears a plain white tee with oil stains and blue jeans that match and his DX shirt. It's almost dinner time so he'd just gotten off work. Sweat runs down his face along with the rain drops.

"Hey, man."

He's breathing heavily. He doesn't speak right away, just scowls a little and slowly shuts the door behind him. "I need to talk to you."

"Great."

He leans against the counter, not calmly sitting in front of me for this little chat we'll be having. I cross my legs and steal another pack of cigarettes from Ronnie's jacket that he lied to me about.

"You want one?" I offer Soda one, knowing already that he'll turn it down.

He shakes his head then looks down the hallway. "Who's here?"

"Rick."

"His car's not out there."

Smoke floats up to the ceiling from my cigarette.

He sighs deeply, looking down at the floor. His hair has gotten longer. He's growing it out. Or he's too tired and overworked to get it cut. These few months have sure aged him though. Even his scar ridden skin is starting to become more noticeable.

"What did you do to Danni the night before Darry's surgery?"

I recross my legs, listening as the water stops in the bathroom. "Getting right to the point I see." I slide the ash tray across the table so it sits beside me. "Why don't you ask her?"

"She says she was at Jennies."

"Then that's where she was."

"Dally!" Ronnie shouts from the bathroom and I wince. "Where are the towels?"

Soda's eyes flame into me. I ignore him, turning my head and answering him. "Why is Ronnie here?" Soda jumps on that.

I rotate back around, picking my cigarette back up. This day is really going to kill me. "Family visit."

"What happened to your face?"

I was wondering when that question would come up. When your face looks like a boxer's after losing a fight, that's usually the first thing people start to notice. "Bar fight."

"Yeah right," he snaps. "The bottom line is: something's wrong with Danni. There has been since that night. Well, it's gotten worse since that night, so just tell me what it is. I'm tired, Dally, I don't want to fight you."

I hear movement in the bathroom. I hope he doesn't come out here. Wouldn't that be the fucking cherry on top of this cake? "What do you want me to do about it?"

"I told you to stay away from her." He freely laughs, relieving the stress and anger from his body. "I told you to stay away from her, Dally. A few days after you got out of jail, I told you.

I tap the cigarette against the glass of the tray, letting the ash fall. "We had _sex_. You still know what that is, Sodapop?"

This takes him aback. He waits for me to take back the comment or to further explain but-

A fist is sent for my face.

My chair fumbles back and my ass slams against the ground. "What the hell!?"

"OW!" He pulls upward, holding his hand to his chest. "What, is your face made of freakin' steal? OW!"

I rub my cheek where he hit. That'd be another bruise to add to the collection. Where the hell is Ronnie anyway? Don't tell me he didn't hear that. I know damn well he heard that.

I slowly pick myself up from the floor. That's the hard part of this. That and picking up a chair that feels like it weighs a ton.

"Dally?"

"What?"

He's silent. He's expecting me to hit him back or shove or yell or do something. Thing is: I know what it's like to want to do good for your sibling, and to kill anyone who does them wrong. I'm not in the wrong, of course, but I sorta get it.

I try to anyway.

"Look," I say, picking up my broken cigarette and tossing it in the trash. "It ain't my fault she came around here wanting me to cuddle or hold her or some other girly shit. It was _her_ who turned me down at the hospital. Yeah, ain't that fucking funny? You got a good one there, Soda. She turned me away. _Me_."

"She's afraid of getting hurt! Don't you get it? Are you that full of yourself that you think you did no wrong!? God, Dally, you're one of my best friends, man, but sometimes I really can't stand you."

I rub my head. I can feel the weight of my gun in the back of my pants. "I got to take Ronnie to the train station."

"Wait," he says, stopping me from standing up. "Do you love her? Do you love my sister, Dally? Just tell me that. You're my friend, Dally. You owe me the truth."

* * *

Ronnie didn't come down with any money. It took me a whole weeks pay to get him back home. I only hoped no one saw him come. No one knows where he went, and that's the way I like it.

The rain pours down hard as I walk over to the Shepard household.

"I heard you got the shit beat out of you." He smirks, holding the door open just enough for me to push past and get in and out of the storm. "Get in here, dumbass."

In the middle of the living room, amongst all the dirty dishes and toys, sits the baby daddy, of all people. He's a ghost these days. You never know when he'll just show up and strike a conversation. It's a real bitch to get rid of him too.

He has tons of fun down at the DX I hear. He and Steve have a nice bond going.

"He like live here now?" I ask, following Tim into the kitchen to get a beer.

He shrugs and spits, "Might as well."

Tim still works at the lumber yard full time. Tiffany is the stay at home mommy in this quaint little family and Jac...well he's the one night stand that made little Jake happen. Ain't it just the most pertinacious love story you've ever heard?

Tim's moved out of his family home. No one knows if his mom still lives there or not. No one really cares.

Tim packed up Curly and Jake, and moved across from the Curtis house this summer. I remember the fight I had over that one. Who would want a Shepard living with easy access to your girlfriend? Especially since that already happened once.

No, I think Tiffany's here to stay. There's something about that broad. She's dark, yet full of light.

Curly's the one who decorated this place. I'm the one who helped them move in and help dig around in the dump for furniture that Socs just threw away because it was old.

Tim hands me a beer that I hold and don't open. I've had more than I can count today. I don't think I can even get drunk anymore. I haven't had the time or energy to try. "I'm going to kill, Dale."

"Ha, sure you are."

There's a big picture frame on the mantle place. There are candles lit around the frame. They're always lit. The Shepard's, being catholic, even have a big cross above that frame.

"He's going to be at the old playground tomorrow afternoon. He'll be alone. I figure, pull up, do the job, get the heck out of dodge, and sit back with a six pack at my motel while the cops figure out who's blood it is all over the slide."

His beer travels down in throat slowly. "Oh fuck, you're serious."

I nod.

"Hey, Jac! Take Jake to the park. There's some stale bread in the garbage out back in the bin. Let him feed the ducks for about an hour."

Jac quickly jumps up. "Ok, Tim!"

Tim turns back to me. He waits for Jac to leave. He finishes off his beer and gets out a smoke before he speaks again. "So you come here just to tell me that?"

"No," I say. "I need your help."

He raises a questionable eyebrow. "You gotta be in some pretty fucked up shit to ask_ me_ for help."

I puff my cheeks out, and then exhale a long awaited breath of air. "You have no idea. So listen, you still got that old beat up truck in the back yard?"

"Yeah."

"I need it."

"Doesn't run."

This conversation's going to be long. My ribs are begging me to sit or drink or pop a pill or two, or all three. "I'll make it. I'm good with cars, 'member? I need something else too."

He rolls his eyes, shaking his head back and forth. "I'm not giving you my gun or cash. I ain't that stupid, Winston."

"Nah. It's actually two things."

He grabs another beer from the fridge. The bottle cap spins on the floor. "Better hit me up while I'm plastered, Winston."

"I need you to get some train tickets in Angela's name for a straight trip to California. Angela Winston. She's a newlywed. Call the station and confirm it. Book a hotel in San Francisco under the same name. Go to the bank and take out fifty dollars. Tomorrow night, take Jack, Jac, and Curly somewhere for a few days. When you come back, Dale's boys will find you and show up here with guns and knives. Tell them about the tickets and the money. Give them the receipts and play it cool for a few days. Think you can handle that?"

He doesn't break his sturdy, fixated stare. "The second one is?"

My weight is fighting against me. I lean against the kitchen counter so the room will stop spinning. Sodapop may be one-hundred pounds, but he punches as if he's two-eighty. "They'll come for Curtis next. Watch her for me. Watch all of them."

Tim jumps up on the counter. "Mighty big order you got there Winston. You sure you thought all this through? What's to stop them from shooting up the whole family?"

Tim, of all people, knows how this thing works. He's bailed out of town more times than I can count, and he's left more behind than me. He's a planner, Tim is. Some days though, Tim just freaks and bails. He used to anyway. Trouble would hit and he'd be in the next state over before dark.

This is more than just a quick getaway. It's a life – another one added to my list.

"They won't do anything without the big dog around. They'll try to find me first. And believe me, they won't be coming back to Tulsa when I'm done with them."

He scratches his stubble under his chin. He doesn't buy it, but goes along anyway. "Where are you going, Winston?"

I crack a grin. "To the land of snow, foreign broads, igloos, maple syrup, and moose."

"Canada, eh?"

"Canada, eh."

_Dying leaves of seasons brown. Losing life as they drift down. Too soon in life. Return to earth. Only they can know their worth. Distant dreams of things to be. Wandering thoughts that can't be free. I feel my mind. Turning away. To the darkness of my day._

* * *

**A/N: **The climax starts in the next chapter! Woo!

Thanks for reading. Please do review for an update on Monday.


	36. Don't Fear The Reaper

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the _Outsiders_ or the song "Kill Me".

**A/N: **Thank you all SO much for the reviews. I hope this update will show you my gratitude.

* * *

_Deeper inside pull the wool nice and tight so that it covers your eyes. Can I get a God? A love? A Jesus? A father? I don't even care that much so why do I bother? Let me just say that I was gonna begin. Don't waste your time waiting cause I'm going back in. Now if I could just remember all the advice that my mother told me. And all the…and all the lost souls say:_

"_Good morning Tulsa, Oklahoma! It's a windy one out there. More rain in the forecast. Not a day to outside today, folks. Keep the kiddies inside. I don't know anyone who wants to be out in this mess today!_"

"I thought Darry said you couldn't go?" Pony asks from the couch.

I gather up a handful of my laundry and throw it on the couch. I get my suitcase out of the hall closet and throw it down as well and start to fold up clothes. "He said I could just for two days so I'm not missing school except on Monday."

"So you're leaving today?"

I nod, throwing more socks into my bag. "Will you miss me?"

"No."

I smile. "Don't get into any trouble while I'm gone, you hear?"

"You're not the boss of me." He laughs as he walks past me and into the kitchen. "Just be careful, alright? You heard what Peter said about Dale. Just...keep an eye out, ok? You really don't know what he's like."

"You're only saying that 'cause I'm bringing your girl with me," I tease. "You know a lot about Dale, don't you?"

His head hangs and I know it's a touchy subject no one really wants to bring up. We've all been walking on egg shells lately when it comes to that problem. I'm not sure what he's told Soda and Darry, if anything.

I worry. I worry a lot. He's my brother, arguable my little brother, and he's talking to the guy who was a cold blooded killer. That just wasn't Pony.

"Pony," I call. "You be careful too, ok? Please."

"Alright, Dan." Somehow, I knew that was a too late of a conversation. "When are you leaving?"

I put the last bit of my clothes in my bag. Darry left the keys to the truck on the table. I still can't believe he's letting me take his car five hours away from him. "I have a few errands to run then I'm picking up Sarah."

He comes over to the side of the couch. He peers into my bag. "Like what?"

I shrug and stuff a blanket inside. "Pick up some matches, water...talk to Dally."

"Talk to _Dally_?" He jumps. "What for? Are you nuts?"

I haven't eaten all day. My stomach is in knots but I've packed all the food up that was in the house and Soda isn't going to be back with groceries until tonight. "I need to ask him something."

He sighs. "Danni-"

"It's important," I cut him off. I put my bag over my shoulder and go to find Darry's keys.

Pony follows me around the house, as I expected. "He's not going to give you an answer. You already know that. Why are you making it so hard for yourself?"

I slowly pick the keys up from the table. His words sting and it makes me pause before spilling what's bubbling inside of me, "Because Dally killed Sam for Dale, someone killed Michael, and now Dale's after_ me_. This is my life. I'm going to fix this...and I'm going to start by getting some answers."

I can't see the look on his face because my back's still turned. I'd like to believe it's turned white, considering it's silent for a while. "Dally's...Dally's at work. He works on Saturdays," he stutters out.

"Dally's not going to give me the answers," I say. "You said it yourself. I'm going to get my answers today though, once and for all."

I gather up my bag and my pillow from the couch in the living room. Pony's still in the kitchen where I left him, contemplating everything I had just said, and recalling past events so everything now makes sense.

I leave him to that. "I'll call you when I'm at Sarah's, ok?"

"O-Ok..."

I give him a small smile so he won't worry as much while I'm gone and to tell him, like I've told everyone else, I'm fine. "Not a word, ok? Tell Darry I'll call when I get down there."

"Ok...Danni?"

"What?"

"I...I love you, ok?"

"I love you too, Pone."

* * *

Sarah's house is about five minutes from Rick's. I planned out my events by time. Get in, get out in ten minutes, get Sarah, and hit the road. It's a simple plan.

Though I'm not traveling in the sneakiest of vehicles, or the most reliable.

I park around back on the top street. Not that I'm expecting anyone to care or notice. Ten minutes is still ten minutes, and if I'm going to do this, I'm going to do it right.

"Hey, Danni, right?"

I smile, blushing. I was kinda hoping no one would be home. It was kinda hard to forget that when I met this guy for the first time, I was naked. "Hi, Rick."

"Um, Dally's not here right now. Do you, um...Come in out of this rain."

The inside smells like fresh baked goods. I remember the first time I came in this house and my face turns red automatically. Nothing's changed, expect Dally's clothes are spread more across the living area beside a bag on the couch.

"I actually just came by because I left some things in his room...the other night," I tell him. "So I was wondering if I can run in there really fast and get them? I won't be long. I'm in a hurry myself."

"Yeah," he says. "I was actually stepping out but I don't think Dally will mind you being in his room. Just lock the door when you leave, ok?"

I don't think about how weird it is that he's letting me, a mere stranger, stay in his house alone and lock up. I just say: "Yeah, I will. Thank you so much!"

"No problem, Danni. It was good to see you...this way."

I blush more as he lets himself out.

Once I hear the sound of his truck crank and drive down the street, I make my way into Dally's room.

Where would Dally hide something important? I start with his dresser. He always hid his guns in money with his underwear.

I throw everything around but come up with nothing. Most of his stuff is missing. There are no clothes in his closet or in his dresser. I go to his bed table and go through all the papers lying around. There has to be something in here. Something that will tell me what I want to know.

My knees slide across the carpet as I stretch out under the bed next. I reach my arm out, hitting something solid.

It's a brown shoe box. The edges are torn and the lid's barely hanging on.

It's wrong to spy. Dally spied on me. I shouldn't stoop to his level.

What else to I have to lose?

Inside there are papers folded up and some just stuffed in there. I move some of them out of the way and on the bottom there are opened letters still in envelops. Three months' worth.

All from me.

He read them.

I almost take them out when something on the ground catches my eye.

_Curtis,_

_You have it all figured out, huh? Let me tell you something, you don't know jack shit. That night that man died, Ronnie shot him so don't be pointing fingers at me! I leave you? Take a good look at yourself in the mirror tonight. You don't know anything. I was coming to get you. You don't know what I'm up against. You ain't got a fucking clue! I had the gas in my car. I was coming to get you that night. Do you care? No._

- _Dallas._

Underneath that, there's another crisply folded letter.

I unfold the white piece of notebook paper. A picture falls into my lap and I place it beside the other papers as I begin to read:

_Curtis,_

_I don't know why I'm writing this. My therapist says it'll be good for me to write out my feeling. What fucking feelings do I have? What kind of pussy sits around thinking, "oh, I think today I'm sad so I'll write about how blue the sky is and how that makes me very blue as well"? This is a joke. Yeah, I got your letters. I know that's the first thing you're probably thinking. Sorry to disappoint. I know you were just expecting some big to do. That's what you do. You expect more from me. Like how you were surprised with what I told you when you came to see me. I don't see why the shock. You knew what you were getting into._

_I opened all those letters. Your hand writing looks like shit._

_The cursive thing is annoying. I can't tell your s's from n's._

_What else am I supposed to say? What the fuck is this even for? You're never going to read this. It's just an assignment so I can get out sooner._

_Yeah, I heard in all your letters how you cried yourself to sleep at night. You want some feeling? Is that what's going to get me out of this fuck hole? Well I'm sorry you cried over something you should have saw coming. The pieces were all there and if you really think back and try, you can figure out all those questions you've asked me. You know you can't get tried twice for the same crime? My big fancy lawyer told me that. (Did you ever figure out where I got the dough for that? I didn't pay for it. Oh no. Someone helped out with that. They owed me a favor). I'm an innocent man according to the state of Oklahoma. They think I'm a pretty dandy guy._

_This letter isn't going to get me out of here, is it?_

_OK. I'm sorry. I love you. I'm sorry. I feel bad. Am I done now?_

_No. I don't like that. I actually am pretty pissed. I read your latest soap opera and my head hurts. Who are you to call me out? I said you couldn't visit for your own damn good. You didn't seem to want to. I didn't want to hear your bitching every time you came to see me. Go find some other sucker. You don't need me. Murdering someone isn't husband material and that's what you want, right? You wanted some suburban boy who'd be a good little man and take the trash out. You knew what you were getting into so don't try and lay that shit on me!_

_I have that shampoo you gave me. Romantic? Is that what you called it? It fell out of my shit the other day and now my whole cell smells like you. It makes me horny if nothing else. I woke up covered in cum from it this morning. I can hear you now "ew, gross, Dally. That's not romantic". I remember smelling your hair when we'd have sex. I remember exactly how you smell. I don't need a fucking bottle to remind me._

_I need to be more sappy or I'm never gonna get good behavior._

_I've been lying to you for months. You don't understand everything like you think you do. I'm always the villain in your eyes. You think I'd do all that to hurt you? Bull shit. Ronnie came to town for a reason, Curtis. Did you not think about that or did that just fly over your head? He's family. Does he come before you? I don't know how that shit works but I think you're supposed to come first so we'll just say for now that you do._

_He was the reason._

_And so were you._

_Truth is – I sorta miss you. I can't wait to get out and take one of them romantic baths like we did the night before. The night we had sex all fucking night. I want that. I miss the way you laugh. I miss the way your skirt rides up a little when it was windy and you could see your little lacy white panties. There are dicks all over the place here. I need some lacy panties. I need to touch you. I meant what I said at the hospital, but I read the letter where you said that I just did that out of spite and it probably didn't mean anything._

_I laughed when I read that. Who do you think I am? I love you. Is that good enough? Oh fuck it. You only believe what you want._

_I'm sorry you think what you do. Not really sorry but you can think what you want. None of its true. There's more to it. I'm from New York, Curtis. I left things behind._

_Unfinished business, if that's what you wanna call it._

_So here's the end of my letter. Maybe it's gooey enough for good behavior._

_I miss you. I can't wait to see you and have a bath and sex all night. You just wait. I'll show you. I'll call you when I get out. Maybe go get a pizza. Who knows?_

_I had this picture in my stuff when I came in. I just got it back._

_It was this summer. You wore that stupid bathing suit that was an ugly green color and showed off your legs too much and you said you were fat. It was the day before school started back and all we did was swim in the lake and eat and talk. You wouldn't shut up that day. You kept laughing._

_I liked this day. I like this memory._

_Your killer…..good looking boyfriend,_

_Dallas_

_(You see what I did there? Funny, aye?)_

"What the hell are you doing!?"

I don't jump at the sharpness of his voice. I don't tremble like I'm beneath him. I don't become a coward and run now that I've been caught.

I simply gaze up at the guy standing in the doorway, eyes piercing me, and I let the tears run down my face. "Why do you still have these? Why didn't you give this to me?"

He moves fast across the room. His heavy feet shake the floor under me as he snatches the paper and the box away from me. "You think you can go diggin' through people's shit!? Have you lost your mind? I should be kicking your head in!"

I start to feel my legs again as I stand up and stretch them out. I cross my arms over my chest and catch my breath. "Dally, I-"

His eyes are red. There's something off about him. I noticed it when he came through the door. He seems anxious. "Get out of here! Now!"

"I'm not leaving." I stand my ground, planting my feet.

Eyes still blood red, he grabs my arm and squeezes. "Get the hell outta my house now, Curtis. You really don't want to mess with me right now. I got something important to do, so if you don't mind, leave!"

I push against his hand, hoping to get free. "What did you do for me, Dally? You said you did this for me. What did you do?"

My feet drag against the floor as his weight over powers me. It's times like this when I wish I was strong. More like Joan of Arc in the physical sense, but then like Odysseus' wife, Penelope, in the emotional sense. She always had faith in her husband. She carried herself for years on her own.

I hang onto the dresser so he cannot pull me any further. I latch my fingernails into the wood, bound and determined even if blood came. I stayed like this as he pulled, trying to get me to let go of my grasp.

"I'm not leaving," I inform him.

His feet come charging towards me. My fingers unhook themselves as my body is lifted up off the ground and thrown over his shoulder.

He growls, "We'll see about that."

"Put me down!" I hit my fists against the small of his back where my head is. There's nothing to grab onto anymore. I look like a child being punished, but I can't let go. No again. "Put me down right now!"

He throws me on the ground outside of the bed room, letting me hit the floor. The door slams in my face.

"Go away."

The rain pours down harder outside. The thunder is loud enough to rattle every bone in your body. The lightning lights up the room just before the lights go off and we're surrounded by darkness.

There was something in those letters. Something that resembled someone lost. That was the old Dally. That was the real Dally. Those were his feelings. He did for Ronnie - he did it for me.

Did what?

Why would he need to kill Sam for us? Sam was quiet. He didn't know Ronnie and he no longer knew about me.

Where does Dale come in? Why does Dale now want me too?

I can still see the writing in those letters. I knew every word. Yet, something stands out in mind more than the notorious questions. Three months Dally sat in that jail cell. Three months went by without any contact between the two of us.

Why would someone care that much for someone they never loved? That they used?

Or was it all just a lie? My heart believed it never was. It was my mind that still keeps screaming at me for even being here.

Dally was coming to get me that night. He wasn't going to leave. I was on his mind. I wasn't forgotten or left to be thrown away. Dally was coming for me. He wasn't going to leave me.

Dally meant it that he loved me. He still does.

With my palms on the ground, I push myself up and lean against the locked door. "Why? Why, Dally? Did you kill Sam for me? Did you use me, Dally? Why did you write those letters if I meant nothing to you? You said you really loved me so prove it. Open this door and let's talk."

He pulls me back inside the room, slamming the door shut behind us. The room lights up as lightning hits again outside the window. The room is trashed unlike before. The noise of him breaking everything was drowned out by the rain and thunder.

"What the hell do you want from me?" He's right in my face. I can't see but I can feel him. "This is what you wanted, wasn't it? A normal life? What do you want me to say? You read the fucking letter. I'm sorry. Does that satisfy you, princess?"

"Don't you dare apologize." My voice shakes. "I'm sick of that loaded piece of crap. This is not something you can bandage up and forget about. Start telling me the truth if you're so sorry. Start back when Ronnie came."

He turns around, rubbing his face. As the room lights up again, I notice the cuts and bruises lining his face.

Dale.

"You were wrong about everything, you know? You still are. I killed a person, Curtis. You know normal people would hit the hills running. You're supposed to be scared of me, so run."

I cross my arms again. Dally had never scared me. He never will. He wasn't a killer. That's what makes this so hard to understand. What can push a man to kill?

I lean on my right leg. "You were coming to get me that night Martin died so what happened? Why were you coming to get me and what stopped you?"

"Leave!"

"What unfinished business did you leave behind in New York? Why did Dale pay for your stuff? Why Dally!? Why!? Why did you kill Sam? Why did you do that to me? To yourself? To us!"

Thunder booms with our screams. The sky is black and so is the room.

"I missed you every day," I say softly, tearing up with just coming out with it. "Even when you came back, I missed you. And that terrified me. I'd find myself just walking around town to find you because something I'd see or hear would remind me of you and I wanted to hear your voice. Then I'd realize you weren't Dally anymore. You weren't here. And that killed me worse than anything."

His eyes are still sharp, but they soften a little as he listens. "Why are you telling me this?"

"I know you felt the same way," I say. "You wouldn't keep those letters if I didn't. If you cared about me, please tell me what is going on. Dale wants to hurt me, Dally. Dale is after me, and I wanna know why. Tell me if I'm safe. Protect me. Give me something. This is about me. You said it yourself. So tell me why."

His voice comes out crisp and sore, "I'm the monster in this story. You pinned that title on me yourself. Don't trust me."

I reach out to touch him. My hand falls short though as he yanks away and backs up away from me. "I was wrong and I am sorry. Those letters told me that I was wrong for doubting you. The truth is: I miss you all the time. I dream about you. I dream about us. And I miss us so badly. And I'm so scared. I'm scared for my life. I'm scared for your life. I'm scared of what I don't know. Make me understand, Dally. Tell me you're the good guy. Tell me not to be scared."

"I'm not the good guy," he spits. "I don't care about your feelings, Curtis. I really can't _stand_ you. I can't stand to hear the sound of your voice. I can't stand to look at you."

My blood drains to my legs and my heart beats faster. "Stop it. You don't mean that."

"I can't stand to be in the same room with you. You know, some days I'd sit up and think about how stupid I was...that I dated such a damn _bitch_."

There's meaning in his words...and they burn. "I hate you! Is that what you want me to say?"

He waves his hands up. "I want you to leave!"

I haven't stopped crying. I can't stop. I feel like my heart might stop. "I can't! Tell me why you killed Sam."

"No."

I shake my head, breathing heavily. "What do I have to do with this!? I deserve to know!"

"Everything!" he shouts out. "Are you that fucking stupid that you don't get it? I want you out of here. Out of my life. Just leave me alone. Stop following me around."

I breathe out slowly, trying to calm myself. "You don't mean that. When I came to you that night you said you were sorry. You wanted me just like I wanted you. I showed you love. You felt it too, I know you did."

"You know what I felt? I felt horny, and you were just another warm body with an ass and a pair of breasts."

"You don't mean that."

He cocks an eyebrow. "Wanna bet?"

It's hard to hear anything from the thunder and the rain. Something moves in the other room. "Someone's here," I say.

Dally turns his back to me, bending over and picking up some of the stuff he broke and threw around, including the box of letters. "No one's here. Just leave, Curtis."

"We're not done talking," I address.

"Oh yes we are."

Something falls. It's faint but I can hear it. "Dally, someone's out there."

"No one's out there, Curtis. Now if you don't mind-"

There's a gust of wind that silences him and thunder rolls in the valley. "Knock, knock. Is anyone home?"

Dally turns to me, his face drained and eyes wide. He shakes his head. "I told you to leave. All you had to do was leave."

_Every day I wake up. Every day I wake up alone. Kill me just kill. Oh, get me out of the sun. Every day I wake up. Every day I wake up alone. Kill me just kill. Just get me out of the sun. Someone get me out of the sun._


	37. Take My Hand

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the _Outsiders_ or the song "Sounds of Silence".

**A/N: **I recommend listening to this song. Just an FYI because I have been asked: there are four more chapters after this. Forty-one total.

Welcome to the next part of the climax.

* * *

_Hello darkness, my old friend. I've come to talk with you again, because a vision softly creeping. Left its seeds while I was sleeping. And the vision that was planted in my brain. Still remains within the sound of silence. In restless dreams I walked alone. Narrow streets of cobblestone. 'Neath the halo of a street lamp. I turned my collar to the cold and damp. When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light. That split the night. And touched the sound of silence._

"Well, if it isn't my favorite dysfunctional couple."

My throat tightens but my instincts make my feet move over to the right, hiding his view. I ball my hands up into fists and something in my stomach catches fire. "Dale I swear-"

"Swear what?" he teases, his jaw locked. "Are you scared of me, Dally?"

My nostrils flare. "What are you doing here?"

His black boots make the old wooden floor creek as he walks in a circle around the room. It's dark but you can still make out the outline of his thick body. "Can I not pay you guys a visit?"

I reach my hand behind me, seeing and telling her to stay put.

"What is he doing here?" she says softly directly in my ear.

"He's been following you, idiot," I hiss. I keep my eyes on Dale, not letting him try anything.

She swats my arm away from her, snapping in my ear, "Don't call me an idiot."

I should have known I'd get a comment back. This isn't the time for her to be talking, let alone arguing with the person who can save her life here.

I jerk my head around and growl, "Then stop acting like one."

"I can hear you two morons," someone says from across the room.

A light comes from the corner of the room as Dale lights up a cigarette that's hanging from his lips. The lighter goes out and it's dark as night again even though it's only one.

Dale slowly sits down in the rocking chair that's in the corner of the room. The wood creeks as he fully sits down. Rick made it himself. He was going to give it to his sister. He never got rid of it. Instead he stuck it in here. The wood had mildew and was chipped when I came. I've been working on that piece of crap for months.

Smoke burns my eyes and nose. "I'm a man of my word, Dally. I told you this would happen. It was supposed to happen a long time ago. All this could have been solved, but no! You had to fuck with me. You fucked with the wrong guy, Winston."

I sneer. "I don't know what you've been doing man, but I don't fuck any guys."

"Smartass." He crooks his neck slightly to the right, grinning at the sight. "Whatcha' doin' back there, Danni?"

I move to the side, blocking Dale's view more. My arms suddenly feel a lot wider - stronger. "_We're_ talking. Look at me when I'm talking to you, or it'll be your face I blow away."

Her arms clinch onto the back of my shirt. I feel her hands shake.

"God," Dale says, leaning back and holding his hands up like he's apologizing. "You get so tense when it comes to her. What's so goddamn special about her anyway? The Dallas Winston I know wouldn't risk everything for a girl."

My arms keep twitching, hungry for blood. "I didn't risk shit. I've told you a million times and I'll tell you again, dipshit, I'm not scared of you. You're not my boss and I don't work for you...and that tears you up."

"I got someone who's joined my team." His head moves again, this time to the left. "You probably know him, Dan. In fact, I think you two might have the same birthday. Fine kid. Little soft...but I can fix that."

I leave my unwaverable position and rush across the room, feeling the wind at my back. Lightning lands right outside the window, making it easy to see. I pull Dale up from the rocking chair, slamming him against the wall by his leather jacket.

"I'll kill you," I growl, looking down at his pathetic, scum of a face.

His lips curl as he laughs at my attempt to intimidate him. "I'd like to see you try."

A tree falls nearby. I can hear the cracking of the wood. I check behind me to make sure she's still standing there. She's moved to the corner of the room. With lightning hitting every minute, I can see the insides of the room.

I can hear her breathing. This is bringing up memories. Memories that haunt her dreams. Memories that are yet to have healed. This isn't the same though. Not this time. I wouldn't let the same thing happen this time. Even if I was the one to fall.

Dale grunts, moving to the side to get comfortable. I let go of him, making his feet fall to the floor. "You're a bug, Dale. A rat, a vermin. Useless. You think you're top gun? Please. I started this. I'm the head leader. I shit bigger than you."

I leave him on the ground, turning my back to get the girl from the corner, ready to kick her head in when she screams, "Dally!" She points behind me and I can't breathe.

I don't have to turn around. If she wasn't in front of me, I would have remained where I was. Instead, I wipe around, backing up so she's completely behind me and I'm blocking her.

I hold my hands up, directly facing a loaded Colt Python. "You really wanna do this?"

"Move, Winston."

It's dark, and I couldn't see before, but it's now that I realize the gun isn't aimed at me. Instead, it's directed a little to the right, just behind me. That's when my heart beats against my chest, and I feel a cold sweat coming on.

I know that gun. I know where that one in particular was made. There's a warehouse in the slums of New York. That's the birth place of this whole operation. There, beside a flower shop and a hardware store, this gun's brothers and sisters were made ready to be passed along to worthy holders, passing on the secrets of making said guns.

It's not a hard job. You just have to have the right equipment. That's the hard part is finding. The bullets are what make this gun so special. They're unique. Hand-made. When they hit you, you don't stumble, you don't bleed to death.

You die on cue, like you're supposed to.

It takes a special kind of person to make these guns. I know Dale didn't make his. It would have cost a shit load for Maggot to ship it and the others on over, and being the cheap asshole that he is, I doubt he would have shelled out the big bucks. Especially after he gave Dale a shit load for Ronnie's bail and my lawyer.

That's what Maggot uses. A Colt Python. Nothing shoots better.

Or I should say _kills_ better.

"You've lost your fucking mind," I say. "What do you think Maggot's going to do when he hears about this?"

He waves the gun around a little, clearly unaware of how to use it properly and unaware of its potential. I watch his hand movements. He's not aiming it well. Not well at all. He can't hold it straight.

He rolls his eyes. "You would have called him already if you thought he'd be on your side. When was the last time you talked to him anyway, Dallas? What's Maggot gonna think when he finds out you lied to him about her, huh? He'll order me to do this if nothing else."

A voice behind us pipes up, "Lied to him about what?"

I roll my eyes this time. I rub my temples before hissing sternly, "Would you shut up already!"

Dale clicks his gun, holding it higher...too high. "I'll shut her up."

"You're not doing anything." I take a strong step forward, showing him that I'm not going away or going to stand by and watch. This was the fight I was ready for.

I quickly reach into the back of my pants, clicking into place my very own Remington.

He can't catch me off guard. He doesn't have his goons to hold me down. It's just me and Dale. A fair fight. One I have prepared for and plotted. One I'm ready for.

One that's overdue.

Dale eyes the gun, losing his grip on his. "You've got to be kidding me."

He doesn't stand so confidently anymore.

Unlike, Dale, I know how to aim, and I point it at the center of his forehead. "You think you're a big boy now?"

Dale huffs. He takes a second to think it over.

Then he does something unusual. His gun clicks and as I prepare to shoot, a flash of light comes through as he takes out his bullets. He tosses them, and the gun, onto the bed.

He looks back at me, showing me that his hands are clean. "Let's have an old-fashion show down then. Right here, right now! Put the gun down and be a big man, Dally. Me and you. One and one. Let's go."

Curtis moves. "Guys-"

"What, you ain't going to coward out this time? Is Dale really going to have a fair fight?" I copy his moves, unloading my gun as well. "Yeah, let's go."

Curtis steps forward so I can feel her hand on the small of my back. Her voice panics. "Dally...Dally w-what are you doing? No! No don't put that down! Dally!"

My gun lands beside Dale's on the bed. I motion for him to charge. "Hit me, Dale. Visitor's move first."

He starts to circle and I find myself doing the same thing.

"I'll end you, Winston," he says, a grim smile still plastered on his smug face.

I smirk, starting my engine. "Make my day."

"Guys!"

And we roll on the floor as the thunder rolls with us in the back ground.

It's hit after hit for a while. I can't see what's going on half the time. It's dark and I rely on my hands to know where he is and where he's going. It's not easy. I've hit my head on the bed more than he's hit me.

"You think you're tough shit, don't you, Winston!?"

He hits a sore spot on my rips. I cry out, bending over and holding my side. "I killed a man! What have you done?"

"I'm gonna kill two. Just watch. You'll get to see one of them first hand."

My fist makes contact with his jaw. I feel the bone break against my hand and there's a cry so loud it makes the dogs bark next door.

I find a place against the bed to rest and catch my breath for a minute. "Mighty big man you are for doing something Maggot didn't order you to do," I taunt. "You know what that'll buy you?"

The smell of fresh blood fills the air. I wish I could see it coat his face. "What'd running away buy you? 'Least I'm not a coward, Winston."

I sneer. "No. You're worse. You have no mind of your own. You carry a gun around like you're a big shot. Let me tell you something. You're a big fish in a small pond. Try being the big man in a town like New York and then we'll talk. Maggot's my partner, Dale, and whether you like it or not, I'm still Daddy's favorite."

It's my blood that spills next. The smell is overwhelming and the shock of the hit makes my head spin.

Everything goes dark for a few seconds. A few seconds I use to rest my eyes.

Where's Curtis at?

"I heard all about your New York days, Dally." The sound comes from the other side of the room.

I feel someone to my right. Their hands cup my face and wipe the blood out of my eyes and mouth.

"Heard about your momma too," he says plainly. "Real shame. Must of tore you up real bad. But then again, wasn't it expected? You had to know. A mean, a whore is a whore, is a whore. They all die bloody...isn't that right, Danni?"

I stop her hand from moving, squeezing it tightly. "Get out of here," I whisper into her ear. "Now."

"He's by the door," she whispers back. "I can't get out."

Dale's shoes squeak against the wood floor. "Maggot's a hell of a guy. When he told me about your mom, man, did I get a good image of the both of ya'll. The big partners in crime of New York. You let me down, Dally."

"I've killed a man, Dale. I'll keep reminding you of that. I'll keep reminding you it's not the first and you know that. So come at me, big boy! Show me what you're made of! Prove me wrong. Kill me, Dale! Kill me now!"

The wind is knocked out of me as a two-hundred pound body plows into me.

I don't have time to catch my breath as the hits come one by one. Blood clouds my vision. As lightning lights up the room, all I can see are fists coming towards my face.

I flip over to my side, stopping the blows so I can get mine in. My side suddenly burns with a sharp pain and I can't see. Something falls to the floor and I can't feel anything.

Then she screams...and somehow, we both stop. "Guys!"

"What!?"

A piercing noise fills the room.

Living in Oklahoma, everyone knows the sound. The devil's whistle.

"Oh fuck."

Tornado's a comin'.

Everything moves fast. Dale slips out from under me. Wind hits the house so it feels like it should come off the porch and fly up to the sky. My head's spinning from the hits, and as I stand, I spin too.

"We need to get out of here," I say, holding my head. "Wh-what..."

"She ain't going anywhere. She's mine!"

I shake my head, trying to stop the spinning. I'm going to hurl. I'm really going to hurl. Oh God. "Are you crazy?" I manage to get out.

I stand up straight just as light flashes into the room...and it's Déjà vu all over again.

A gun.

Pointed to a head.

A villain.

Me...the hero.

Or at least attempting to be.

It's not going so well so far.

"Very!" he shouts over the thunder and the wind and the alarm. "I'm very crazy! I told you her blood's mine."

"Dally!"

God make it stop.

Dale reloads his gun, clicking it in place. He's got her trapped in his arms. The guns right at her head. You don't need to aim from that position.

I spin around in a circle as I trip over myself, trying all I can to stop this...

Like I should have done the first time.

"This is for Jason, bitch!"

Tim Shepard ain't going to save the day today.

No way.

"Oh my God!"

Dale's limp, dead body hits the floor with a loud thud.

There's a shooting range in New York. There's even one here. Maggot taught me how to shoot a gun.

Guess Dale missed that lesson.

Her body stops mine from hitting the ground. She props me up. She's panicking. I can't hear what she's saying but she's freaking out. The house is shaking and I hear glass breaking.

I grab her arm, pulling her along. "To the basement, now!"

The windows start to shake along with the house. From across the room, I can see out the window near the door. It's coming...and it's coming fast.

More glass starts to break around us. Rick keeps the key to the basement in the kitchen on top of the fridge.

I rush into the kitchen, knocking everything over to get to the key. Why the hell he locks it is beyond me. It's not like there's anything down there but a cooler...that I've never looked in.

Ha, nah. This isn't one of those stories.

Curtis stands by the fridge as I search through the basket for the key. She hugs herself with her arms. She looks back and forth between me, the window, and Dale who's making a puddle on the floor.

"Hurry!" she screams and she takes my hand in hers. She doesn't pull on me like I suspected. She just stands there, like she's coaching me or supporting me.

"Found it!"

The little house starts to tremble. Rain pours into the house from the shattered window. Plates and cups start to fly out of the cabinets and break on the floor. We move just in time.

It seems like the longest run to the basement door. The house is small and the door is just around the corner, but it feels like my life is flashing before my eyes.

It's so dark. Everything's falling.

"Dally!"

I put my arms around her, guiding her out of harm's way.

The door slings open. I close it quickly and pull her down the stairs and to the corner of the room.

We both fall to the floor, my body landing on top of her's, my arms shielding her. The devil's storm rolls on in Tulsa.

* * *

A dresser falls in front of us. I can feel her jump in my arms. The ringing from the alarm has me deaf.

"It sounds like it's over." I stand up, taking a look around. Rick's hunting gun collection is under an antique dresser. The cooler is on its side and there's melted ice and frozen pizzas everywhere.

The railing to the stairs is completely gone. Boxes are toppled over and it smells down here.

"Hey, Curtis, how much will you give me if I eat one of the pizzas."

She's huddled in the corner still. She's shaking and the freezer is making her cold.

I smirk. It's just a stupid tornado. Girls. They always overreact. Serves her right anyway. See, none of this would have happened if she would have listened to me and just gone home.

Who was right again ladies and gentlemen?

I go over to her, bumping against her. "C'mon Curt-...You're bleeding."

"T-That's not my blood." She shakes as she hugs herself tighter.

Her shirt has stains and spots of blood here and there. Not all of it is Dale's. I can tell by the color and the fresh smell.

"No," I say. I lift her shirt up, revealing the gash on her left shoulder. "Shit."

"It's fine," she says, gently pulling her shirt back down over it.

I can see that she's getting sick from the sight and smell of the blood. It's all I can smell in this basement. I look around the room and notice she dripped all the way down the stairs. He blood covers the small room.

She shivers, making my view go back to her.

She reads my mind, "I'm ok."

"You have a _gash_ in your shoulder, idiot."

Her teeth chatter together as she tries to get out something along the lines of: "_You're_ an idiot!"

I make a lap around the area, looking for something that can help with the bleeding. I find an old black t-shirt and throw it at her face. She knows what to do and tightly ties up her shoulder.

"Thanks."

We sit in the floor, just like that.

It's always calm just after a big storm. Just like in real life. It's calm before a storm though...and that's what's scary. You never know what to expect. That's life though. If you were supposed to know all the rules, you wouldn't be human.

It's the aftermath of a storm that's iffy. Cleaning up the mess you made.

"You just _killed_ someone."

I smirk, rolling my eyes. She's a little late on that one. "Yeah, what else is new?"

I jump up. My car's already packed. I've got a lot to figure out. That's for sure.

"The door's locked." I jiggle the knob. Nothing.

She looks up for the first time. "Can you not push?"

"Something heavy is pushed up against it," I grunt, putting my shoulder into it. "It's not budging."

She looks around the room. She finally gets up and starts to walk around. Her legs shake. I watch as she struggles to take a few steps. "Is there a window down here?"

"You're in a basement," I point out. "There are no windows."

"So we're stuck down here?"

"Looks like it."

"Great." She starts to lift the cooler back up, sitting on top of it.

These stairs are going to need some work. I skip over the broken ones until I'm in front of her. "Let me see your arm."

"I told you it's fine."

I wish she'd quit shaking. Though, I can't say I blame her.

"I just saved your life. Consider this my thank you. Though I really had a much better idea of how you could thank me. Something that involved lace, fried chicken, and some boozes."

She rolls her eyes. I can't tell if she's pretending to be disgusted or if she's really getting sicker.

"You're bleeding," she says lowly, a slight panic forming in the back of her throat. "Dally, _you're_ bleeding."

"What?"

She points to my right, just below my nipple. I look down. A trail of blood has trickled down from my shirt, still going strong.

A fresh stab wound.

It isn't her blood on the stairs.

It's mine.

_"Fools" said I, "You do not know. Silence like a cancer grows. Hear my words that I might teach you. Take my arms that I might reach you." But my words like silent raindrops fell. And echoed. In the wells of silence. And the people bowed and prayed to the neon god they made. And the sign flashed out its warning, in the words that it was forming. And the signs said, the words of the prophets are written on the subway walls. And tenement halls. And whisper'd in the sounds of silence._


	38. There is Gonna Be a Flame

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the _Outsiders_ or the song "Go Your Own Way".

**A/N: **Sorry for the delay. Hope you all had a good weekend!

Thank you Niikkii and Kennyboo for becoming new readers! Thanks so much!

* * *

_Loving you isn't the right thing to do. How can I ever change things that I feel? If I could, baby I'd give you my world. How can I if you won't take it from me? You can go your own way. Go your own way. You can call it another lonely day. You can go your own way. Go your own way._

He weaves the thread through skin. I hiss for him as the skin forms together with the stitch.

"Dental floss?" I ask.

He pours more alcohol on the wound. I want to hiss for him as I watch the blood roll down his side.

He lets out a breath of air. "Works wonders."

I rest my chin on my knees, blocking out the pain in my shoulder. It's been over an hour. Dally's gone through almost every box down here. There's no telling how old that dental floss is or the alcohol.

I've kept still, watching him go through all the boxes and commenting on everything inside.

My stomach is twisted. My legs are tensed. My breath isn't normal. I can't shake this feeling. I'm not sure what it is. It's a mix of all possible feelings. There's a dead body over my head, Dally wrote that he loved me, and Dale tried to kill me.

Not to mention the mental debate I'm still having with myself as I try to sort through all the things Dale said and try to determine what all of that meant.

I get nowhere, as always.

It's something to keep me busy though.

"How'd you learn to do that?" I ask.

He shrugs, cleaning up his newly stitched wound. "I was twelve. Made a bet I could play 5-finger fillet. You could say I lost."

"Well, _Dr_. Winston." I force a small laugh. He seems so calm and rather...chipper. I can't put my finger on why or what's going through his head. It's a cover up. I see that. But for what?

He points over at me. "I could help you out there with your little problem if you'll let me."

I groan, thinking about the pain. "I'm going to have to pass on that."

"Suite yourself," he grunts as he begins to clean up. "You have thought of the possibility of bleeding to death before we have a chance to get out of here, right?"

I've thought of a lot of possibilities.

Those letters and what they said keep popping up. I can recite each word.

Dally cared. I'm still not sure what that means to me or if it changes anything. He still lied. He still killed a guy. He still left me. At least now I know he sorta felt bad about it.

I crunch over, lying on my good side. "It hurts."

"Here." Dally comes over with a handful of pills. "Knock yourself out."

I hate dry swallowing pills but I get down two and rest my head against the cool freezer.

It's dark down here. There's one light but it doesn't cover the whole room. There's a small bathroom that hasn't been used since the 30's and there's a dead rat over in the corner, being devoured by maggots.

Maggots. Ha.

Dally goes back to doctoring himself. He cleans up all the blood and wipes off his hands. He takes a chug of the twenty year old whiskey Rick stored down here and then goes back to looking through boxes.

His demeanor is off. The energy is evaporating off his body like steam. He's fuming. He's stir crazy. He wants to run. What from though? Dale's dead. Wasn't that our biggest problem? Why is he so scared?

What's he running from?

I've never seen Dally this scared before. Things don't scare him the way they do other people. Dally's experienced life. He doesn't rattle easily. He doesn't run. He doesn't fear the future.

He embraces death.

"Dally?"

"I'm a little busy here, Curtis."

My stomach growls and I swallow. "What did Dale mean when he said: this is for Jason?"

He smirks and then says, "After all that was said, that's your only question?"

I shrug. It was the first thing that popped into my head. I never expected him to really answer it. "Well I've started to narrow them down to importance."

"Good strategy." He snaps his fingers. "Hey, I've got a question for you: What the hell where you doing in my house?"

"I wanted to get back at you. Go through your stuff like you did mine. I was on my way to pick up Sarah so we could go camping and I thought-"

His head darts around. He glares at me. "Wait, you were leaving town?"

"Yes?"

He narrows his eyebrows together. "And you thought that was a good idea _because_?"

"Better than my idea of coming here apparently," I snort.

Dally stands up, popping out his back. He rolls his eyes. "Oh, so you're telling me my letters didn't satisfy you?"

"Well having a gun pointed at your head can kinda make you regret things a little."

This makes him stop his rant and lower his head. He blames himself for what happened.

When Dally gets like this - scared or nervous - I can start to read him a little better. He has so many emotions going through his head at one time and he doesn't quite know what to do about it.

"I don't feel so good."

I roll over to my side, grabbing my stomach. It's not my shoulder anymore. Suddenly I remember this morning and I race my brain for when the last time I ate was.

Dally sneers from the opposite corner. He takes a big sip of Whiskey "Well you kinda have a hole in your shoulder. That could defiantly lower the feel good feeling a bit."

"No, it's my stomach," I groan.

"Did you take that stuff?"

"Yeah...I haven't eaten anything all day."

His eyes go wide. "You haven't eaten anything all day and you just took those!? Are you crazy? You're gonna puke."

"I forgot."

I can feel my stomach turning and my head spinning, already ready to barf.

This is going to be a long day.

* * *

"Hold still, damnit!"

"Get off me!"

"Just hold still!"

"You're going to fall on me and squish me!"

"Shut up and be still!"

Pony sits on the couch in his living room, watching his two older brothers fight. Darry had this idea and when Darry gets an idea in his head; all hell usually breaks loose in the Curtis household.

Right now Darry wants to stand up at his wedding to put the ring on Kathy's finger.

The thing is: Darry needs practice before he just gets up in front of the church and falls on her or something. He can stand with crutches if he really balances. It's getting the ring on the finger that's tough.

Darry still has full use of his good leg. It's balancing he's struggling with.

So here Pony sits, watching the play. Soda's part - Kathy Sutton.

"I'm going outside," Soda says, giving up. "The whole neighborhood is out there loading up and I'm missing out because you're trying to put a bread tie on my finger!"

After every tornado, all the neighborhood kids go outside and take claim on whatever's in their yards or on the road. Usually the bigger the tornado, the bigger the goods.

Darry sits back down in his chair and picks up the tie from the ground. "Get your ass back here, Sodapop. I almost got it."

"Darry, if you fall on him you're going to ruin the only thing he's got going for him," Pony says, leaning back and using his book as a barrier between him and Soda.

Soda rolls his eyes and sticks his arm back out to help Darry up. "Have you looked at yourself? You weigh more than me and Pone combined. I will _die_. Do you want me to die, Darry?"

"Hold still, damnit. I may be cripple, but I can still beat the shit out of you so hold me up!"

Soda waves him off. "I'm going to get the mail."

Pony settles into the couch, not wanting to be the next victim. He wasn't as strong as Soda. It would be impossible for him to hold Darry up.

Soda comes back in, holding a letter out for Darry.

Darry takes it, skipping over the front envelop. "Pony, what is this?"

Held in front of his face is a small envelope with his name written at the top. The address is from New York and at the corner of the envelope, there's a small gold cross.

Pony's hands tremble as he takes the letter. "Darry-"

"I thought you said you were out!?" His voice makes Pony's ear drums rattle. He winces under the pressure.

With his hands still shaking, he runs his finger across the top above the seal, his heart racing for what might be inside. He only thinks the worst as he takes the letter out and holds onto it.

"Pony, what does this mean?" Soda asks calmly. He tries to look over Pony's shoulder but Pony moves just in time. He couldn't deal with Soda's disappointment in him anymore.

Pony's chin wobbles. He takes a deep breath but that doesn't calm his body. "I-I was never really in! I swear! I told Dale I was done and he said that was fine."

Soda's hand calms him. "Pony, it's ok, just read it. Whatever's inside, we'll deal with it. It'll be ok."

Taking a deep breath, Pony unfolds the letter.

_Curtis,_

_I wish to personally thank you for everything you've done. If I could shake your hand, I would. I've heard good things. It shames me to hear of your resent departure. I wish you the very best._

_Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honor. Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king? Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling? For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun? And what is to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered? Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing. And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb. And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance._

_Take care,_

_Maggot_

* * *

"How are you?" He's sitting beside me, propped up against the freezer. His foot taps against mine.

I shrug. I can feel my stomach acting up and I'm starting to get sleepy. The pain in my shoulder has disappeared, so that's an added plus. But I don't tell him any of this. "I don't know."

He cocks an eyebrow. "What do you mean you don't know?"

"I mean...I don't know," I say weakly. I lick my dry lips. "I'm a little angry, a little sad, a little bit in pain, a little relieved, a little scared, a little cold...I'm a lot of things."

A faint smirk comes my way. "Ok. So having a gun pointed at your head made you...a little _cold_?"

"Can we not talk about that?"

It's starting to hurt to speak. I'm sure Dally would love to hear that fact.

Dally begins to hum The Temptations, tapping his feet to the beat. There's a weird quietness down here. If you really listen, you can hear the rats running through the walls and the pipes. The quietness is killing me.

"What happened to your mom?"

His humming goes on until the song's done. Then he casually snorts. "You still keep going strong, don't you? You never give up. I used to like that about you, Curtis. Now it's pretty damn annoying."

Maggot and Dally have been like brothers. I've heard stories before here and there. There was one Christmas they had together where Maggot's mom cooked some big meal and bought Dally presents so he would have some.

When Dally's parents kicked him out, he stayed with Maggot. He went there every summer.

He used to come back and tells stories about the city. All the guys were overwhelmed. Ponyboy and I were the ones who really liked Dally's stories. We've both dreamed of going to New York some day and hearing Dally's stories brought us that much closer to actually being there.

He talked about good times. He'd tell us about his neighborhood and his friends and all the crazy stuff they did. He told us these stories up until he was fifteen and he stopped going to New York every summer.

He never said why he stopped.

And all the stories ended.

I wonder what Darry, Pony, and Soda are doing. We go to the basement every tornado. This isn't their first rodeo or mine so that's one less thing I worry about.

What about Sarah?

Damn, I bet she's already called the cops out for my body.

"So, what now?" I ask

He pops his fingers. "Go to Canada. See what's so great up there. Go ice fishing, maybe get a job. Find a hot Canadian who can take care of me. Settle down a little and deal with whatever life throws at me."

"Wait, so you're leaving?"

"My bags are in my car, Curtis," he says after a minute. "As soon as that door opens, you can kiss my ass good bye."

I blink. I lift my head up and look him over. His shirt is stained red. "Y-You can't leave."

"You told me to leave...more than once actually."

I never meant that, but I don't tell him that. It would have been easier if he left a long time ago - yes. But does he leave when I tell him to? He never listens to me. He does things to spite me. So I know it's not me he's leaving because of.

So I'm wondering why now?

Maybe things would be easier if he left. I know they would be. Time would go on, people would forget, I'd find someone new, go to college, and have a grand life.

What would this town be like without Dallas Winston?

What would my life be like without Dally?

If I was a different person, I'd tell Dally to stay. If I was a person without pride, I'd tell him a lot of things. One being that I was wrong about a lot of things...and that I was sorry and that I was here for him.

"How's your stomach?"

"I'm ok."

He slides over an empty box. "Don't puke on me. I will_ kill_ you."

"Does it bother you that you killed someone?" I ask. "Not just now, but before?"

"What do you think?"

Yes. He's more sensitive than he lets on. That's what's so odd about this whole situation. I could understand Dale...but Sam?

"I've been over and over things a million times. Why did you kill Sam? Why did you send me away? Everything. Then today, I dunno, it just makes me think more about who you really are. What you're hiding. You're a mysterious person. I've accepted that. What I don't understand, is how you could kill a man in cold blood. You panicked when you held a gun to Jeff. So what can make you do it now? What happened to you?"

He takes another drink. He'll be drunk soon if he keeps this up. That's what he wants though. To numb all of the pain he has inside of him so he doesn't feel anything at all. Dally doesn't like to feel.

"You have so much pain inside of you. You cover it up day by day but I can feel it. You're hurting. You put on this act like everything's fine and you're some big bad ass greaser, but you're not. You feel things. You're in _pain_."

He hisses at me, "Well one day maybe all that _pain _will make sense to you."

I shake my head. "Why are you being this way?"

"Because I'm a no good JD hood, Curtis," he yells. "It's what I do. I hurt people. I break hearts. It's all part of the game. If you think for one second that what we had was some goddamn fairy tale, then you're wrong. This is who I am!"

I shake my head again. "No it's not. Don't tell me that. You're the one that ended it, not me! I was willing to stick by your side and help you but you pushed me away! You can't come back and expect everything to be ok after that."

"Why didn't _you_ try harder? You just gave up!"

I struggle to find words after that. "I-I'm sorry...But why didn't _you_?" I lift my head up. "Why didn't you chase after me? Why didn't you tell me everything on your mind? Why didn't you tell me how you felt? Why did you not send those letters? Why did you let me think you hated me at this time?"

"Because you needed to move on and let me be me."

"But I couldn't...and neither could you."

He tips the bottle back up. It's almost empty and that's with half of it going onto his cut. "I treated you like shit, over and over again. Why did you stick around? Why are you here?"

"I already told you."

"No, you told me the bullshit answer. You were hoping I was home. You wanted me here. You wanted to see me."

"I did not."

"Bullshit."

I roll my eyes. I should have given up an hour ago. You never get anywhere with Dally. "Let's just face it, Dally. We hate each other. We've made that perfectly clear. We were both running away from each other so when that door opens let's just go along with those plans."

"Fine by me."

"Good."

He turns his back to me, pouting. "In the meantime, don't talk to me."

"Oh, that's mature."

"You're mature...Shut up!"

I try to force a laugh, but it stings, stopping my sarcastic come back.

Dally laughs.

I narrow my eyes. "You're a jerk."

"Why, because I'm laughing?"

"If you just want one reason, then yes." I roll my eyes, shifting to my other side while trying to settle down my stomach.

It's been two hours now and no one's come looking. I'm starting to wonder how long we'll really be down here. There's still a gash in my shoulder and I know Dally needs medical care too, he just won't admit it.

I rest my hand on my stomach and ask, "Are you really leaving for good?"

"What's it to you?" he snarls.

I shrug. "I dunno..."

"You wanna know so bad. It's eating you alive."

I don't have a comeback. Instead I clinch my stomach, turning to the side and puking up my entire stomach. I gag when there's nothing left. My head spins out of control and I can't hold it up.

Dally comes over to my side, catching me before I fall. "Whoa, man. You ok?"

"No..." I say, sitting up on my own. I rub my head. I hit my shoulder on the way now and fresh blood runs down my arm, dripping on Dally's shirt. "We really need to get out of here."

"You are such an idiot for letting me give you that!"

He stays beside me. I smell like puke and blood. This isn't the type of romantic rekindling that I had in mind.

"T-Thank you...for saving me," I tell him softly. I wipe off the corner of my mouth. "I don't think I told you that."

He sneers as he picks up my bloody t-shirt and starts putting pressure on my wound. He's calmed down for the most part, forgetting that we're not supposed to be talking to each other. "Yeah, don't mention it."

"I-I'm gonna puke again."

He pulls away. "Go ahead. No one's stopping you."

"Don't look, ok?"

I can't tell if he obeyed. I empty out what's left of my stomach and groan. Once I return to my upright position, Dally holds the shirt down harder on my shoulder, making me wince.

"You're still bleeding," he says sternly. "Shut up and be still."

I let my eyes close for a second. "Thanks."

Some time passes and I drift in and out of sleep. Then Dally moves and says softly, "I wasn't trying to make your life worse you know."

I open my eyes back up, blinking a few times. "What?"

"You think I told you to get lost because I wanted to hurt you or some other dumb shit like that," he says "I wanted you gone so _this_ wouldn't happen."

"_This?_ Dale?"

He doesn't respond. He's said too much and he knows I'm thinking again.

"Ow," I say as he puts more pressure on the wound.

"Fuck you bleed like a horse."

My head gets heavy. Without thinking, I lean over, resting it on his shoulder. I close my eyes for a few seconds. "Dally, please, just tell me. Please."

_Tell me why everything turned around. Packing up. Shacking up's all you want to do If I could, baby I'd give you my world. Open up everything's waiting for you. You can go your own way. Go your own way. You can call it another lonely day. You can go your own way. Go your own way. You can call it another lonely day. You can go your own way._

* * *

**A/N: **Some contact from Maggot. What are your thoughts about the letter?

Thank you all for reading once again. The next chapter is a big one.


	39. We'll See in Time

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the _Outsiders_ or the song "Someone Should Tell You"

**A/N: **The song title and the context of the chapter is rather coincidental. No I did not plan it. How's that for irony?

This chapter is rather long. Enjoy.

* * *

_You call me up, in tears again. I come over. Your only friend. Put my arms around you, to stop this lonely night. You ask me to stay, but I don't think it's right. When you tell me you're in love with him. Don't you know that really caves me in? And I'm not that strong._

Where the hell is Rick?

It's been hours. No one's expecting her, but hell, Rick lives here. Where the fuck is he?

I'm bored. Really bored. I found a ball. A flat one but it's still good enough to throw against the wall a few times. It blocks out the silence and keeps either of us from talking.

I like that.

She's still bleeding. Looks like she'd run out of blood by now. She's still doing alright. I look over once in a while to make sure she hasn't kicked the bucket yet.

I'm hungry. I planned on stopping by McDonald's when I was done here but no!

To hell with tornadoes.

"Dally?"

"What?"

She's lying down on her good side. I look over at her. "I don't feel good."

"Look at all that blood." I point to the puddles around her. "I'm surprised you're not dead yet. Though I did tell you this would happen. You never listen though. Never."

Any other time, she'd have something witty or smart ass to say back. "It's not that bad."

I've seen worse. She probably has too. When she finally let me see the cut, I noticed that it wasn't that big. She just bleeds like a bitch. She'll be fine. Maybe when she finally does pass out, I can get out of here and not have to do the good-byes.

We've said them before.

So why is she here?

I wish she had gone with Sarah. I wish she'd never come here. I wish I had left the day after I got out.

Then all this wouldn't have happened.

And I wouldn't have to look at her, or talk to her, or feel this over again.

"Sometimes I wanna go back," she says softly. "To go to the first day we met. The day we first kissed. The day we fell in love. If I could go back, I'd do it all again. The fuck ups, the fights, everything."

I pull myself up and tell myself to stop thinking these thoughts. These stupid, ridiculous thoughts. She's delirious. She's not thinking right. She hates me, just as I hate her. When the door opens, we'll go our separate ways, once and for all.

It grows quiet. I look over my shoulder to see if she's finally fallen asleep but she's not. She's just sitting there, staring off into space. Her eyes are glazed over and skin pale.

She'll be out soon. With all the blood lose and throwing up, I'm surprised she's not already knocked out.

I need to get out of here. I need to go. Word's going to get out soon. The longer I stay, the deeper this gets.

"This is your home." Her voice comes out weak and fragile.

I ignore her for a while until she repeats herself until I respond. "What?"

"Tulsa...it's your home," she says, drool coming out of her mouth. "You...you can't leave."

She doesn't know what she's talking about. I go over to her and put more pressure on her shoulder. The blood has stopped some but her shirt and this cloth are soaked.

Her head falls and her hair drapes across my lap. I rub the back of my head.

Inside, I'm telling myself to push her off and break down the door. I'm telling myself to leave her and run, like I planned to do before.

Then I look at the blood, her shoulder, her face, her eyes.

"I don't know what happened to her."

She takes a minute to respond. "Your mom? You told me it was a car accident."

I smirk. "Going around telling people she was murdered tends to create more questions I don't want to answer."

She's using all the strength she has left to speak. "So what did happen?"

"Someone laced up some drugs, gave them to her. I never figured out who or what really happened. I'm still searching. I was only six at the time. I started hearing things though the older I got. Fingers started pointing at Pops but cops couldn't pin point it. They expected one of the gangs did a hit so they gave up the case. I didn't give it up though.

"I remember that day. It was the fourth of July. She'd taken me downtown to see the parade and the fireworks. That night, I don't really remember. I wasn't supposed to be at Maggot's, but somehow I ended up there. His dad is the one that told me. There was something big that happened that day. I'm still trying to figure it out."

Her hand squeezes my knee. "Her body's buried here."

I stare down at it. I try not to look at anything else. "They shipped it over after she died because she grew up here."

"I-I'm so sorry, Dally."

I stretch my leg out, speaking harshly, "You're not going to remember any of this. You'll be passed out in ten minutes."

"I don't care."

"I'm only going to tell you once."

A sly smile appears on her face. "Then you better make it good."

* * *

"Maggot and I started something in New York because of what happened to her. That's where it all started. It was me and him, running this gang. Gangs in New York ain't like they are down here either. They're big. We were just stupid bratty kids when we started it up, vowing not to be the gangs around us. The ones that killed Mom. Well fuck if that worked out well."

She coughs, still lying down. "So what happened?"

"I got arrested for going after someone with a baseball bat." I smirk with the memory. "Got sent down here to Aunt Bev. That didn't really stop it though. Hell, I went up there every summer."

She repeats herself, "So what happened?"

"Maggot became an ass," I say. "Started turning things to shit. He started selling, then started using...became his father. Told him from the beginning that I wasn't doing that. Kept my word."

"So then what?" she asks.

I shrug. "I told him I was done and that was that."

"But you weren't done."

"I was. Everything was just dandy, then I get a call one night over the summer._ This_ summer. It came out of nowhere too. You know, I tell that damn kid things all the time. I preached to him over and over again. Does he listen? No."

_Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..._

_What are you talking about?_

_...I fucked up, Dal. I-I didn't...I'm so sorry. I need your help. I need you to help me Dally._

Her head pops up and she speaks softly, "Ronnie?"

_Start from the beginning._

_Let me finish before you start yelling, ok? Maggot came to see me about five months ago. I know you said not to talk to him but Dally he promised me it wouldn't be this way._

_Be like what?_

_Be this deep. He wants me...He wants me to do all this stuff, Dally, and I can't. He says I have to do it or else and I just...I'm in, Dally. Maggot picked me up and I can't handle it. I'm sorry, Dally._

_So you want out?_

_He's going to kill me if I leave, Dally. He's going to kill me! He already said it himself! I-I can't stay here. Dally, please help me! Maggot's going to kill me!_

_I'm going to fucking kill you._

"I call up Maggot." I clear my throat. "Ask him for a simple favor. Well, nothing's ever simple with Maggot."

_What do you mean he can't get out? Maggot, it's me! Come on!_

_You know the rules just as well as I do, Dally. Ronnie came to me. I treated him with the same respect and the same regard as you. You know the rules, Dally. If Ronnie wants out, he's gotta do it just like everyone else._

She moves a little in my arms. Her mouth is open slightly and she's drooling. The whiter she gets, the more she struggles.

I prop my leg up, letting her use it as a pillow. "Go on," she says quietly. "Don't stop."

"You're not going to remember this, Curtis."

She nestles in. "So those fights you had with Ronnie...they were fake?"

I shake my head. "No, we were fighting; just not what you thought we were fighting about."

"I said go on."

So I sigh and resume, "Once you join, you can't leave. Well, you can if you're me and if you survive the beating they'll give you, but no one leaves. Primary because no one ever survives, but that's besides that point."

_What do you want?_

_I am sorry about this, Dally. We haven't talked in years and now we're doing it on these grounds._

_Just tell me what you want, Maggot._

_I want you. Come back._

"Something you got to understand is Maggot ain't like Dale. Dale is a pussy with a big ego. Maggot...he wears the Devil's horns. He is the king. You don't tango with Maggot. Maggot will shoot you in the head and then go get a cup of coffee. There's no remorse or gilt with him."

_Fuck you._

_This is your brother. I thought you'd be more reasonable than this. After all, this is your baby too, Dally. Don't you miss it? Don't you miss the glory? It's a simple request. Trade yourself for your brother._

_Fuck. You. I said no and I meant no. I left a long time ago, Maggot. I did my dues. Now tell me what I need to do. I'm not fucking around here._

_Neither am I. It was a simple offer. One of the easier ones. Well, I guess I should round my boys up and-_

_You're really going to do this to me?_

_I'm sorry, Dally, this is my offer: you join me again, relive the old glory days, and do me a little favor while you're in Tulsa. Then I'll let go of your baby brother without a scratch on him._

_You said join you and you'd let him go. You ain't said nothing about no favor._

_You didn't like that offer, so I changed it._

_You're still the same asshole bastard you were when I left. Fuck, what's the favor?_

_You're in Tulsa still, right?_

_What's it to ya?_

_You want your brother out, fine. You do for me, and I'll do for you._

"He says I got to do one thing to get Ronnie out. Maggot's got connections in every state now apparently, and guess who's our state's representative is."

I don't expect her to really respond. Her body is cold and tender but I faintly hear, "Dale."

_They killed him! I'm sure of it. I've been over this a million times. Jason didn't just disappear. He wouldn't do that. No, it was someone else. Some kind of silent enemy. I'm sure of it._

_Silent enemy, Dale? Who the hell is afraid of you?_

_Fuck you! Maggot believes me. That's why you're here, right? Maggot sent you over here to find Jason's killer. So find!_

_Why is this guy so important anyway?_

_Where do you think Maggot gets his goods from? The best grounds aren't in New York. They're in Mexico. Jason delivered to Maggot every week by truck load. Jason was in the gang. He...He was my best friend. So if you don't find whoever did this to him, I will...and I'll kill you both._

_Yeah, I'm sure you will. There's nothing to be found, Dale._

_Just get to looking, Winston._

"So I do a little research for two months. You know, play the part, do what I'm supposed to. I go to a Soc bar one night. Your friend's a real talker when he's drunk, especially when it's with girls. So I bring Sylvia and throw her at him, just for fun, see what pretty boy knows. Hell if I don't regret that move.

"He starts bragging about this night. He tipped a drunk. Things went a little bad. He even told her where the goddamn body was buried. So I dug it up and I nearly shit myself to find out Dale was right."

She doesn't respond.

I continue anyway, "So I report back, thinking I did my part. Nope!"

_It was more than one guy, Winston! You moron!_

_Watch who you're talking too, pep squeak._

_Jason was a big guy. Ain't no pretty boy Soc taking him down just by tipping him. Find me the body. Find me the body and then I'll tell Maggot to let you go._

_Fuck off, Dale. I was hired to find you a killer and I found one. Now leave me alone._

_Maggot says you report to me. You listen to my orders. I hold the key to your baby brother's cage. You want him out, find me the body. You wouldn't want poor baby brother ending up like Mommy, would you now?_

"So I do a little more research. Send Sylvia back a few times."

_So tell me more about this big bad crime you committed._

_What'cha wanna know, babe?_

_Tell me the whole story. How'd it happen? Who was with you? Don't tell me you did all this by your little self. Not you. You seem too sweet._

_It was all me, sugar. Though, I didn't put the body in the ground myself._

_Really?_

_Hell no! Get dirt in these nails?_

_So who did?_

"Course I didn't tell no body about you. I only told Maggot about Sam. Figure I'd be the hero for once and save a few lives. Get me one step closer to that mansion up in the sky. Well, our little story doesn't end there. Maggot's got this big plan. Wants to play like old times. Fucker."

_What are you doing here?_ _You're supposed to be in New York!_

_Did Maggot not talk to you?_

_What happened to your face?_

_Nothing._

_They jump you?_

_Just a little, but Dally-_

_I'll kill them!_

_You haven't seen me in years. That's all you gotta say? Man, you haven't changed one bit._

_No one touches you and gets away with it! Names! I want names!_

_Dally!_

_What!?_

_Maggot sent me down here. He...You got one last job to do...and I gotta help._

"I protested some, but it was like kicking a dead horse. The kid may be an idiot, but he's blood and I think that means something. So I figure, let's make this quick an' easy. Get it done and go."

_You gonna have your face in that brown bag all night or are we gonna do this_?

_D-Dally, I-I can't._

_You don't have to do anything but just sit there and keep your mouth shut until this is over._

_B-But, how can you do this?_

_Because I'm saving your ass, that's how! You think I wanna kill this guy? You did this yourself, little brother. I had a damn fine life here until you call and fuck everything up! You always fuck everything up. Damn! Why? I told you how many times to stay away from Maggot? Goddamnit, Ronnie!_

_I'm sorry! I told you that. Dally, I didn't mean to ruin your life it's just-_

_Shut up and put your seat-belt on. If I gotta do this, you're gonna be right here beside me, feeling his bones break._

"I get up enough speed and ram into him so his head hits a pole. It was instant. I checked. I'm not a monster. Ronnie's of course freaking out but it was over. I told the dumbass to head home but he says he's scared and blah, blah, blah. So that's when ya'll met him, a few weeks later. I thought he went home. Then he meets that dumb broad..."

I gaze down at her. Her eyes are tightly shut. Her breathing has slowed down.

"So I call up Maggot. Tell him it's done. So I'm in, Ronnie's out...Then things started to get complicated."

_Everyone thinks you did it. You or me._

_Let them think what they want._

_Are you scared...of Maggot?_

_Why are you still here? Go home. You go home, people stop asking questions! You just thought you'd show up and people just expect everything to be fine and dandy?_

_You're just mad because I'm stealing your friends._

_Yeah, because I'm five. No, get out of here. You're just screwing everything up like you always do._

_Shut up! No I'm not._

"Maggot calls me back a few days later. Well if he ain't proud I'm back. Things are different though. I'm not the head dog anymore. I'm lower than Dale. Dog shit really. No one tells me what to do."

_If you're rebelling then I can't go home. I can't go home at all. Do you know what they'll do to me, still? Dally people are talking about you here. They think you killed Sam. What are you going to do?_

_I don't know._

_We can't stay here. Dally we killed someone. Someone's going to figure that out. Maggot's got you running errands for him. You can't tell me you like that._

_I told you to get out of here a long time ago!_

_I'm not leaving you here to get burned at the steak! This involves me too! We can't stay here, Dally._

_Shut up and let me think!_

_We have to leave. Why are you being so damn stubborn about this? You run all the time. What's so different now?_

"We came up with the stupidest plan ever. I blame Ronnie because I was dealing with my own shit and he pretty much came up with the plan. Steal some money, get you and _Emily. _God I can't believe I agreed to that. So then we run. Romantic, ain't it? I thought so."

_I can't shoot a gun! You know that!_

_You worked with Maggot for months and you don't know how to use a gun?_

_No!_

_Well just stand there and hold it and look scary. Stay out of my way too. Let's get this done, get the broads, and go._

_Do you think Danni's brothers are really going to let you take her? Do you think she'll really leave? Why are we bringing her anyway? Can't you just call her or something?_

_Why are you bringing Em? You don't think Two isn't going to slaughter you?_

_Because I love her, and you're bringing Danni._

_You don't love her. Look, I told you about her. Dale is still searching. He's going to figure it out. He may be dumb but he doesn't give up. If I'm not around, he'll kill her, and then I'll kill you. Got me?_

_Yeah, I guess._

_So stop asking questions and hold your gun._

"Well, you know what happens next. Ronnie flips shit, shoots the guy. Great, huh?"

_What do we do now? Oh God, Dally! Oh my God! I just shot someone! I just fucking shot someone, Dally!_

_You just fucking killed someone is what you did._

_That's not helping. I can't do this! I can't do this._

_I'm sending you home. I don't care if I have to drag your ass all the way there, you're going._

"Next think I know, he's run off with the broad. You know that and the arrest. So I went down to Texas to figure some stuff out and lay low. Things weren't exactly peachy either when I came back...except Ronnie was finally gone thanks to Dale putting up bail. That was a plus."

My throat is dry. She's gone now so I don't know why I keep talking, maybe just to hear it myself.

I do wonder if she can hear me. If deep inside that stupid little head of hers, she's hearing everything.

"So this big battle is supposed to happen, right? So I come back for that, get my anger out on a few Socs. I still don't know what happened that night. I saw the fire and ended up on the street. Dale was there, and boy was he proud."

_I found out._

_Found out what?_

_You're not a very good detective. I should revoke everything that was promised to you. Then again I heard Ronnie is long gone so that's a bust._

_I don't owe you anything, you shit. What did you find out?_

_It was more than just Sam._

_How do you know this?_

_A girl. Jane. I got a few drinks in her. Boy, was she a shaky one. She told me all about what her boyfriend did. Michael? He's a twin or triple or some dumb shit. You know of him?_

_No._

_There's more. I know it. But we gotta get him first._

_You believe this chick? The guy that killed Jason is dead. Who cares? Let it go, Dale. Go home, stuff your face, grow a few inches. It'll do you some good._

_Bite me. We have things to do._

_I have things to do. Places to be. I'll be in jail by sunrise. So you're on your own, pep squeak. Have fun._

_Just remember who you serve, Winston. Remember!_

_I don't serve anyone._

"He's the one that got the lawyer. Like that means anything. He did what he said he would - kill Michael. He smothered him in his sleep at the hospital. He kept searching for more names. I tried to get his mind off it but it didn't seem to work. I don't know how he came across your name, but he figured it out. That's why he wanted you dead. That's why I wanted you away from me, so this wouldn't have happened. So he wouldn't look toward you. You couldn't just stay away though."

She never can...though she's not the only one.

The bleeding's stopped. I move her hair out of her face and make sure she's still breathing.

It's over.

"Dally! Dally, you down there?"

My head darts up. Well look who decided to show up. "I'm stuck down here, dumb ass! Get me out!"

Something slides across the floor and there's some banging.

I'm going to kiss the ground when I get out of here. "Any day now, Rick!"

The door slings open. "What the-"

He doesn't say anything about the body. I don't think about it.

"How-"

"Help me get her up!"

Rick picks her up off me so I can get up. I can feel my stitches tar as I walk up the stairs with her in my arms. Rick follows behind us, going on and on about the blood and asking useless questions.

I feel blood run down my side. "I need your car."

"Go ahead, hey Dally-"

I don't hear him. My feet take me to the bedroom and I stand there, frozen. There, in the middle of the room, I see it. I don't move. I don't let on. I just stand, my body ready to fall from the battle that I know lies ahead.

There, in the middle of the room, all that's left is a puddle of blood.

_Someone should tell you how much I love you. Cause I really do. Wish I could hold you. The way that I want to. Cause no one, can love you, like I do. You're everything, that I ever dreamed. You're the only one. The only one for me. So we talk all night, but in my head. Three little words that I never said._


	40. Caged Heart

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the _Outsiders_ or the song "Poison and Wine"

**A/N: **Again, please read the lyrics!

Some of you may remember the flashback from a different POV.

* * *

_You only know what I want you to. I know everything you don't want me to. Oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine. You think your dreams are the same as mine. Oh I don't love you but I always will. Oh I don't love you but I always will. Oh I don't love you but I always will. I always will._

_I sit on the edge of the bed, staring at the clock. He never keeps the door locked. It worries me in some ways, but tonight it came in handy._

_I fall back on the bed and count the cracks on the ceiling. I can feel my eyelids grow heavy._

_The door slams. It jolts me up. I sit and look at him smiling at the door. He winks._

_"Why are you late?" I ask._

_He ignores the question and heads into the bathroom._

_I stand behind him, watching him wash his hand but unable to see through the darkness. It's cold in here and I'm hungry._

_I continue to stand by the door, watching him, hoping he'll be done soon. He's acting funny. Funnier than usual._

_I shrug it off as Dally being Dally._

_"I've been waiting," I say quietly. "I was getting worried."_

_He tosses the rag over the rack and slyly smiles at me. "Worryin' about little ole me?" His shoulder blade catches mine as he walks by. "I'm flattered."_

_I sigh. I wasn't in the mood to play around. I was hungry and that always made me irritable. "Can we go to dinner now?"_

_He pulls things out of drawers and I walk in circles by the door. "Let's stay here."_

_I walk silently. I stand beside him, softly laying my hand on his shoulder. "I'm hungry," I whine. "Let's go get dinner and we'll come back here. I can lie to Darry and say I'm at a friend's."_

_He breaks away and paces around the room, acting strange again. "I got some food in the fridge."_

_I cross my arms, putting my weight on one leg. "Can't we get a real meal?"_

_"I'll order pizza," he suggests He latches the lock on door and dead bolts it._

_I follow him around the room, too lazy to turn the lights on and too impatient to wait any longer. "You promised we could have a date tonight. Can we please go out? Just once?"_

_He shuts the closet and passes me again. He heads over to the window and stares out of the crack from the blinds._

_I stand behind him, my arms crossed, still waiting. Why is he acting this way?_

_"Dally?" I walk closer to him. There are a few cop lights outside. "Are you ok?"_

_He turns around, touching my face gently. He looks me in the eyes. "I'm always ok."_

_I put my hand on his. "Are you sure?"_

_"You remember what I told you? I'm your very own little guardian angel."_

_I smirk, remembering the conversation we had right after Angela passed away. "Just without the wings and pixie dust?"_

_"Yeah." He laughs. "Ain't nothing bad gonna happen to ya when I'm around. Got me?"_

_I nod. He had told me this before, but tonight, it sounded different. Something was up but I decided not to press it. "I know, Dally. I know. Can we go eat now?"_

_"Just remember that, ok? No matter what happens next. I got your back."_

_I throw my jacket on, tossing him his. "What's happening?"_

_"Nothing," he says. "Just tell me you'll remember."_

_My stomach growls. I need food. "Sure, I'll remember. Can we eat now!?"_

_His lips curl. "It's time to wake up, Curtis."_

I blink my eyes, taking in the brightness of the room and the smell. Cinnamon buns...homemade...with icing. Jennie's here.

I clear my throat, tasting bitterness. Soreness runs down my back as I sit up. "What happened?"

Jennie spins around from the chair she was sleeping in. She jumps over to my side. "Take it easy. You're home. Just don't move too fast. You'll pop your stitches out."

Ow. As if I could forget that pain.

I try to stretch out to the best of my ability but fail.

I watch as Jennie leaves and goes to the bathroom across the hall, returning with a cup of water. She helps me drink it and then gives me the two pills that are sitting next to my bed.

Pills...I will never take another pill again.

I struggle to get them down and then ask again, "What happened?"

"You don't remember?"

"No."

She scoots next to me on the bed. I can smell the dough on her shirt. "There was a tornado. You were at Dally's. Which, by the way, was one hell of a stupid idea. Anyway, he carried you out and brought you here. Kathy stitched you up and gave you some medication. Should be fine."

Everything's blurry. My head feels heavy and I shake it a few times to try and clear it up. Why was I at Dally's? "Dally brought me here?"

"Yeah," she says with a smirk that says: 'you're an idiot and Darry's going to give you an earful later.' "You were knocked out though. He said there was a lot of blood."

The smell...God I remember the awful smell.

My eyes search around my room. It's cleaner. Someone's been cleaning and rearranging things. Someone's been in my dresser too. I look down and my shirt and pants are different.

I only hope Jennie or Kathy dressed me.

"Where is everyone?" I ask.

She shrugs, getting up, stretching, and then yawning. "It's six in the morning. My guess is asleep. I'm on watching duty right now. Here, I'll go get Soda."

Carefully and slowly, I pull down my sleeve. The stitches are fresh and the wound is clean. I run my finger across each stitch and it stings. I remember the sound of the wind and the rain and the darkness. I remember the pain and the blood.

"Hey, Dan!" Soda comes in, rubbing his eyes and yawning too. "You're up."

I nod, pulling my shirt back up. "Yeah."

He sits where Jennie was and Jennie sits in his lap. His arms wrap around her waist as he pulls her in.

He sneers at me. "You can imagine our surprise when Dally showed up here with you."

I rub the back of my head. It was important. At least I think it was important. "Yeah, sorry about that."

"So what's that about anyway?"

Jennie answers so I don't have it. "She doesn't remember anything."

Soda looks to me. "You don't?"

I remember bits and pieces. Like talking to Pony before I left. Was I going to Dally's? I was supposed to go get Sarah but I went to Dally's. Then the tornado happened and we ran...

I shake my head, getting tired with the idea of trying to remember. "No. No not really. Is everyone else up? I hear talking downstairs."

"Yeah." He jerks up too quickly and Jennie almost falls to the floor. He catches her and practically runs to the door. "That's just Darry. I'll tell 'em to keep it down. Don't worry about it. Hey, you hungry? I bet your starved. I'll go get you something."

Why is everyone else up at six?

"Jennie, what's going on?"

She brushes off her pants, shaking her head back and forth. "He doesn't want you to know."

"Jennie..." I whine.

She sighs, opening the door. "Just listen. I'm sure you can hear."

I move to the end of the bed and listen closely.

"So when Dale came to talk to you, what did he say?" Darry asks.

Dale...Dale!

There's a short pause before someone answers. "He said he had some jobs for me if I needed some money." Pony. "I really didn't know who he was. Honest."

"He wanted him close by." This is a different voice...Dally. "He already had his eye on Curtis. Just wanted Pony to see if he could get more information. That's my guess anyway."

My eyes dart over to Jennie, who's quietly listening. "Dally's here?"

"They've been up all night," she says softly.

The last time Dally spent the night here was just before we started dating and he got into a fight with Buck. I couldn't imagine why he stayed last night. He had a home, a place to go. I was obviously fine...so why?

Darry speaks up again. "Pony, what did you do for Dale?"

Pony sighs. "Well, Dale isn't real smart, you know. He had these guns. I know I should have left then but he looked harmless and I'd never heard of him before and we needed the money. He told me they were hunting guns."

"And of course you believe him," Darry growls. "Ok, so then what?"

Another sigh. "They're special guns. Really old too. It's hard to build them. So that's what I did. I built his guns for him."

"Pony..." Soda whines.

"I'm sorry. I really am," Pony says "Once I figured out who he was I tried to leave but then he explained the whole deal to me."

"Explained what?" Darry asks.

Dally's the one who answers, his voice low and patchy. "You can't just leave, Dar."

"Then why did he let him leave when he did?"

"Dunno," Dally says. "But by the sound of that letter, it's not over."

Darry does his signature tired sigh. I can picture him rubbing over his face and dark circles. "Can you fix this, Dally?"

There's a long pause and no one speaks. The Dally finally comes out slowly and snappy, "I don't know. I'll take care of it though. Don't worry about it."

"Thanks, Dal," Darry says, slapping his back "I really owe you a lot. Thanks...for everything."

Dally grunts. "Yeah, don't sweat it."

Jennie has fallen asleep. Drool runs down her chin and I take my chance and slowly get up off the bed. I pop my back out. My whole body is stiff and it's difficult to walk straight.

Why hadn't I been told all of this? Why did Soda not want me to know what was going on with Pony? And what was Dally going to do about it and why did he sound so mean about it?

_"Let's just face it, Dally. We hate each other. We've made that perfectly clear. We were both running away from each other so when that door opens let's just go along with those plans."_

Dally was going to leave! So why was he still here, making more empty promises?

I slide my feet down the hall, the carpet running in-between my toes. The conversation downstairs has turned to cars and the tornado.

I go into the bathroom and slide down against the wall.

_"Course I didn't tell no body about you. I only told Maggot about Sam. Figure I'd be the hero for once and save a few lives. Get me one step closer to that mansion up in the sky. Well, our little story doesn't end there. Maggot's got this big plan. Wants to play like old times. Fucker."_

I hold my head in place, breathing out slowly with my eyes closed.

_"We came up with the stupidest plan ever. I blame Ronnie because I was dealing with my own shit and he pretty much came up with the plan. Steal some money, get you and Emily. God I can't believe I agreed to that. So then we run. Romantic, ain't it? I thought so."_

_"That's why he wanted you dead. That's why I wanted you away from me, so this wouldn't have happened. So he wouldn't look toward you. You couldn't just stay away though."_

_"You remember what I told you? I'm your guardian angel?"_

_"Just remember that, ok? No matter what happens these next few months. I got your back."_

Dally slaps his knees, standing up. "Well, I'm gone."

"You're leaving?" My voice comes out small and weak but it draws everyone's eyes to me as I stand at the top of the stairs.

I slowly walk down two stairs, ignoring Darry's over protective eyes that are telling me to get back in bed.

Dally won't look at me, but he's all I can look at.

Soda stands up, pulling on Darry and Ponyboy. "We'll, um, leave you two alone."

"Hey, I wanna watch this!" Pony protests before he is dragged out the back door.

I blink as Dally looks up at me for the first time. His eyes are dark and droopy. His body is slumped and he's not standing with the same type of swagger he always has.

Dally has been beaten. He has pushed his body to new extremes. He has tried to fight himself and his fears for too long and now it's finally catching up to him.

Dallas Winston is tired.

He's so tired.

And I can't help but blame myself. I had given him hell for such small things. I had gotten into something with people I shouldn't have even been around. If it wasn't for me, if it wasn't for Sam, if it wasn't for Jason, we wouldn't be in this spot right now. If I had just gone home that night.

That's the past though, and I can't do anything about it

This I can do something about. I had promised him something.

"Hey," I speak up.

He rolls his eyes, turning away. "Shouldn't you be in bed or something?"

I take another step down until I'm off the stairs and standing in front of him. "Are you going answer my question?"

"Dale ain't dead," he says angrily, spitting out fire. "I gotta go." He reaches for the door.

I step to his side quickly. "Wait. Dale's alive?"

He nods, not saying anything more about the subject.

How is Dale alive? Dally shot him. I saw it all. There was blood all around him.

How come he gets to survive? Why does he get to be shot and bleed on the floor and then get to walk away?

I roll my eyes, suddenly getting very angry. "So what are you going to do, Dally? Go kill him for real this time? Maybe go get Maggot while you're at it? Then what?"

"Fuck off, Curtis," he spits. "This doesn't involve you anymore."

I shake my head. How could he be so...stupid!? "You're going to kill yourself or get yourself killed...I don't want you to leave and have that on my conscience."

He smirks a bit, turning his head to the side. "Well we wouldn't that now would we?"

"Please don't leave."

His face turns stone again. "Why?"

I swallow hard. "Because I want you here. I-I want you here, with me. I-If you still want to."

"Curtis..."

"I don't understand you sometimes. A lot of the time. You're not one to always tell the truth or voice your feelings and that's just you. _I_ can admit when I'm wrong though. Not about everything, but a lot. I still blame you for some things."

He sneers.

"I guess you weren't hurting _me_. You were protecting me...weren't you? All this time...you had my back. So thank you. I-I just wanted to tell you that before you left."

"You remember?"

I nod. "Yeah. I remember everything."

"Fantastic," he says rudely, going for the door again. "I gotta go, Curtis."

My head drops and I look at my feet. I should have known that wouldn't work. It was too far gone. Everything was too far gone at this point. "I understand."

He stops, facing the door. "No you don't."

"I can't stop you though, can I?" I ask, a hint of hope still in my voice.

He shakes his head. "Nope."

I step forward, wanting to touch him but pulling back at the last minute seeing how tense he is. "What if I told you I think I love you? Would you stay?"

He sighs, but he's still serious and not turning around. "Don't gravel, Curtis. It's not becoming."

"I mean it," I tell him. "Dally, I love you. I know you do too. Soda told me what you said to him."

I knew he wouldn't say anything about that. Soda had told me three days ago. He sat me down, telling me that he knew what I did with Dally and admitting what Dally had told him.

It made me angry.

So damn angry.

I didn't understand why.

Maybe because I didn't want to admit that I felt the same way. Maybe I was scared. I'm still scared. I'm so scared. I'm scared for Dally. I'm scared for my family. I'm scared for myself. I'm scared Dally will leave and I'll never see him alive again.

Dally still faces the wall, not caring. "It doesn't matter, Curtis."

"Dally...please," I beg. "If you feel the same way, stay."

"My car's running."

My bottom lip shakes, but I put an end to it. Don't cry. Don't make this any worse. Just don't cry now. Wait until he leaves and you're all alone, in your room, and then you can cry for days.

"Ok."

The door opens and I can see Rick's car in the drive away.

My heart sinks to my stomach. "Hey, Dally, wait!"

He, surprisingly, stops. "What?"

"I...I'll miss you, Dally," I say softly, still struggling to stop myself from crying. It never works. "Thank you again...for _everything_. For my life. For everything we had. Thank you."

He doesn't run away. His back is still turned to me but he's not running.

I chock on a sob. "I-I'll see you."

"No you won't," he says harshly. "Bye, Curtis."

The door slams behind him, and I'm left standing alone.

Now I can cry.

"Bye, Dally. Bye."

_I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back. The less I give the more I get back. Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise. I don't have a choice but I'd still choose you. Oh I don't love you but I always will. I always will._

* * *

**A/N: **Last chapter ahead! Prepare yourselves!


	41. The World Will Follow After

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the _Outsiders_ or the song "Bad Moon Rising"

* * *

_I see the bad moon arising. I see trouble on the way. I see earthquakes and lightnin'. I see bad times today. Don't go around tonight, well, it's bound to take your life. There's a bad moon on the rise. I hear hurricanes a blowing. I know the end is coming soon. I fear rivers over flowing. I hear the voice of rage and ruin._

**2 weeks later:**

"Danni, your _date_ is here!"

My dress is yellow with tiny white dots everywhere. It comes down to my knees and hugs at the waist. Sarah's grandma made it. She's really a wiz with a needle. Jennie did my hair and Kathy let me borrow some of her jewelry...including my mother's ring.

"I'm coming!"

The scar on my shoulder came out nice according to Two-Bit. All that's left is a tiny red scratch under a Band-Aid. Though, like the one on my thigh, it has its own story to tell just like all other scars.

The end of the school year came faster than I had thought. Since I was home bound for a few days with my shoulder, it gave me plenty of time to study for my exams. Which I passed!

Things have been pretty dull in Tulsa the past two weeks. It's like we live in a different world now.

The tornado is the only thing people talk about. It knocked down the local church and everyone's been focused on rebuilding that. It's as if no one's even noticed anything else.

"Hi, Maxwell."

Maxwell sat up front beside me in my math class. He became my new partner when Peter and I stopped talking and he picked up the new blonde foreign exchange student. Maxwell was the only one left.

His hands are always warm and sweaty, and he pushes his glasses up every twenty seconds. I've counted.

His mother owns a shop downtown and his father is an accountant. He told me this and that he's allergic to peanuts and chocolate and milk. He also has these weird sinus problems and he carries tissues in his pockets where ever he goes.

"H-Hi, Danni! Y-Y-You look pretty."

No one knows about Dale. I've asked around and it seems like everyone's gone and no one's talking. It's like he up and disappeared in the middle of the night, not leaving a trace or making a sound.

I've stopped asking. I haven't told anyone about that day, and I probably never will.

"Thanks Max. I like your tux."

His mother's car is outside. She's taking us to the restaurant and to the dance. Pony was totally opposed to the idea and wanted to drive Sarah and him separately, but after talking to Sarah, I quickly convinced her to go along with it.

After Maxwell, slowly, puts on my pink corsage, Darry rolls up with Kathy and the dreaded camera.

"C'mon, just one picture? I'm cripple, I can't chase after you."

The three of us slide together. Pony's arm hugs my waist and Maxwell slowly does the same.

Ponyboy pulls Sarah over to his side. "Yeah, that was our plan."

Darry clicks the camera in place. "Shut up and smile."

* * *

The start of the dance was slow. Most of the popular kids didn't get here until just now, blazed, red eyed, wasted off their asses. That was the most fun part - watching them make complete fools of themselves.

Pony and Sarah are over by the punch bowel, sweating from dancing so much. They're laughing with some of their friends and are planning to go back out on the dance floor soon.

Max and I have danced a couple of times until he started to get sick. So as I sit, waiting for him to return from the bathroom, I watch everyone around me and think of how much has changed.

Marilyn and Cherry are here. Cherry is with one of the baseball players and they're clinging to each other, slow dancing even though this is a fast pace song.

Marilyn is on the other side of the room, her dress falling off of her and hair a mess. She's with a guy from our History class. I don't know his name, but I know he's not her usual popular pick, so I'm happy for her.

I take a sip of punch and look for more similar faces.

Randy's here. He's not with Marilyn. Everyone's surrounding him, catching up on old times.

He looks good. His face has cleared up and he's grown a few inches. He looks happier, more life filled.

I remember them. The good times we had. The memories we shared. None of them know what I know, but we are the survivors. The select few souls that someone saved...and they don't know any of this and never will.

"H-Hey, Danni."

"Hey, Max. You feeling better?"

He does and he's smiling. He has been all night. "Yeah, but my mom's here. I-I need to go. Are you going to leave now too or are you going to stay a little longer? W-We could take you home."

They all look better, happier. We're all at separate ends of the room, living separate lives, but we are connected, and we are the lucky ones. We're the ones who were saved.

I shake my head. "I think I'm going to stay a little longer. Thanks though."

"Ok," he says, waving goodbye. "I had a good time. Bye, Danni."

I take one last sip of punch and pull my jacket on. I slip by everyone, though they pay me no mind. This is the time of their lives. This is their night to remember and to live.

Outside, it's warm. Summer's here finally, and everyone's ready.

I pull out a cigarette and light it. There's a dark blue car that rolls up, its bright lights hitting me.

And I smile. "Well, look what the cat dragged in."

His black boots swing around the side of the door. Smoke follows him. He flicks his bud on the ground, running a hand through his hair. He shakes his head, knowing who he is, and knowing that he owns the world.

He's refined, he's cool, he's sharp, and he's back, better than ever.

He sits on the hood of the car, eyes set on me. "What, did you ditch the dweeb already?"

"Be nice," I say, taking a puff. "He's actually not a bad date."

"Oh, gosh, Curtis. You've got me shaking in my boots! I-I better go track him down so he won't sweep you out from under me. Oh my. Where is he?"

I toss my jacket at him, going to the other side of the car. "Shut up."

"Did you hold hands? Awe! What about dancing? Oh tell me all about it!"

"Get in the car, you asshole."

* * *

We drive for a long time until we find an empty lot just outside of town. Somewhere where we are completely alone. It's just us and the dark sky filled with bright, glowing stars above us.

The grass is sharp against my bare back. As I lay down, looking up at the sky, I close my eyes and enjoy this moment. I absorb his strong vibe, his smell, his touch. It's a bliss I don't want to leave.

To lay forever as time stands still.

"I think I should have a new name," Dally says, a cigarette dangling in-between his fingers.

His hand is on mine, not hot and sweaty, but warm and smooth. "An alias?"

"Yeah, them things," he says. "Something cool too, like Cowboy."

I snort. I'm not surprised that'd be the first thing he'd come up with. "Cowboy is not a cool alias."

"Yes it is!" he whines.

I shake my head, rolling my eyes back. "No, it's not."

"Admit it, you think it's sexy."

"No I don't."

"Admit it!"

"Ok...it's a little sexy."

I got the call two days after he left. There was some protest about it - primarily from Darry's end. It happened at two in the morning, drunk, slurring every word.

Darry's truck goes pretty fast when it needs to. I got there just three short hours later. Record time and just in time.

I hold his hand tighter. "You know, you never told me why you decided to come back."

He looks at me, fluttering his eyes and acting dramatic. "Because I find you so gosh darn irresistible."

"Yeah, you couldn't live without me. Admit it."

"My car broke down." He shrugs. "I was sorta stuck."

"Bull."

I take the cigarette from him, smoking it and letting the smoke blow off my lips and onto his face.

With the grass against my back, I stare absentmindedly at the blowing embers on the end of the stick. "I'm officially off the rails. Certified crazy. What else is new, though, right?" I laugh, my chest rising up. "Certified crazies...together."

I look at him to find him already staring. "We're all fucking screwed in the head. I heard admitting your crazy is the first step." I smirk, turning back to the stars. "Do you care?"

"Care about what?"

His weight is put upon me. He stares into my eyes, moving my hair away. From here I take a good look at him, the boy who became a man despite his struggle against it. The boy who stopped at nothing. The black sheep of the bunch. The misunderstood. The misguided. The trouble maker.

I touch his cheek, feeling the blood rush through his veins. He's warm to the touch. "Don't move."

His lips press down on me. His hand grabs the back of my head, forcing me upward. He takes a fistful of my hair and he kisses me until I can't breathe.

"Don't leave again," I say softly. "I don't want you to be scared anymore, Dally."

His forehead rests on mine. "Are you scared?"

"No. Not anymore. I don't want you to be either. I don't want you to feel like you have to fucking fight for me...for everyone. I don't want you to." I shut my eyes tightly. "From the moment I saw you, I knew that no one could save you. I knew even then that I would try. I just never knew you saw the same thing in me, and you'd want to save me too."

He sneers, kissing me again. "We're two of a kind, you and me. Psychopath and crazy." He gets up, tugging on my arm to go with him. "C'mon, let's go be mental together."

I walk over to his car, turning the radio up and changing channels until I find a good song.

Dally's looking off the cliff, smoking a fresh cigarette. I take a moment to look at him, his demeanor. The way he's changed.

"Come on, dance with me." I pull on his arm, taking him back over near the car while "In the Still of the Night" plays in the background, his face twisting with his pleasure.

"I don't dance, Curtis."

I straighten him up, locking my hand up with his. "No one's around. Come on! It's my prom. Give me one dance."

He takes my hands, not dancing but standing still. "You didn't take me to the dance...so no dance. I wasn't even asked. Gosh, you know I cried for days over that?"

"You're not allowed on campus, dumb ass. And since when do you do dances?"

He shrugs. "You're such a heart breaker, Curtis. A real heart breaker! You're tearing me up over here!"

"Shut up." I make his shoulders go straight and start to move, motioning for him to follow my steps. "We're dancing."

He moves awkwardly, scowling. "I hate you."

"Me too," I say "Come on, I'll let you even stand on my feet so you'll know what to do."

He moans as he holds my waist, swaying back and forth. "This has got to be the pansyest song in the whole world."

I ignore him, laying my head on his shoulder. His body rocks mine and I almost can't believe this picture. Dallas Winston, dancing with me. I feel young again. Like I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

He must feel really guilty to even think of doing something like this, but I'm not complaining. Not at all.

We don't talk about anything. It's silent except for the music. He doesn't even protest. I think he's lost now too in his mind. He doesn't realize what he's doing. He feels something and he's acting on it and enjoying the moment, just like I am.

I hug his back, not wanting to let go, and regretting doing so in the first place. "I love you," I say softly. "I really do."

And we sway on into the night, oblivious, unaware, and not giving a damn about anything. As long as we have this, we'll be ok. We'll be ok. We're ok. Here we are, forever in bliss...

If only we could stay.

* * *

"What, no kiss goodbye?"

I can see her smirking to herself, thinking about it. She slowly turns on her heel, looking over her shoulder. "Not a chance."

I push my hands into my pockets, grinning the same sly smile back at her. She has a type of smile about her. It's sly and mysterious and it says "you don't know me, and you never will."

She learned it from me...and boy does she know how to use it. "Whatever."

"See you tomorrow?"

"We'll see."

She turns away, her heels clicking against the concrete steps that lead up to her porch. The light flicks on and she pulls her jacket around her shoulders. She digs in her bag for her keys, not wanting to make any sudden movements to wake anyone up who might potentially come out for a chat.

Her yellow dress hits the back of her knees as the wind blows against her. Her once perfectly done up hair is now in a messy bun with pieces sticking to her face and back of her neck.

I smell the air, smelling her skin, her sent.

She finds her keys, jingling them in her palm.

"You know," I shout at her, loud enough to make her cringe, "normal kids usually get plastered on their prom and hook up with the hottest, most boss, greaser in all the land."

She rolls her head back, her hair falling more and sticking to her bare back. "Well then I guess I should go steal a bottle of rum and see what Tim Shepard is doing."

I smirk, watching her open up the door to the dark house. "Call me?" she asks.

"Not a chance, babe."

She laughs, waving good bye, and going inside.

I kick a loose rock, my hands still in my pockets. I lean against my car and think.

* * *

Rick's already passed out on the sofa when I get in. The TV is static and playing some cartoon.

I go into the kitchen and pour myself a bowl of cereal and sit and watch until I eventually start to doze off too.

"So you're car broke down?" a voice comes from beside me on the couch.

I squint my eyes open, my arms on my stomach and bowl of milk beside me on the coffee table. Rick rolls over on his side and waits for my response. "Yeah."

He sneers, rolling back over. "Good one."

I stretch my arms out, tasting dryness in the back of my throat. I sit up fully and rub my eyes, trying to get enough strength to get back up.

I walk to the kitchen and search through the fridge for something half-way eatable.

Truth be known, Rick's car is my car, and it's running just fine.

There's a spot in Tennessee. I've been there once or twice. There's a bar that'll serve just about anyone and there's a pool table. I made about fifty bucks that night along with drinking the same amount in beers.

It'll wash your sorrows, make you think of your regrets, make you think of what you're doing and what you did.

It makes you realize what's important and what's not.

I've still got a lot to figure out. In the meantime, it's quiet and I like that.

Picking up an apple and a knife, I sit at the kitchen table, and begin to carve when the phone starts to ring.

It's three in the fucking morning.

"Hello?"

Silence. I roll my eyes, almost ready to hang up when an eerie set of laughs come from the other end.

"Hey, if this is some kind of fucking joke, I swear kid I'll-"

"Gotcha!"

The voice I know, and it makes me take a seat, whispering so no one can hear. "Dale."

There's another laugh, one I'll remember for some time. "You tried to take on the world, and you failed, Dally. You failed. Never think it's over. It's only just begun."

And a scream fills the lane as another life will be taken from the small neighborhood in Tulsa. One shot that will break everything that still stands strong. A single shot that will change the story forever.

_Hope you got your things together. Hope you are quite prepared to die. Looks like we're in for nasty weather. One eye is taken for an eye. I see earthquakes and lightnin'. I see bad times today. Don't go around tonight, well, it's bound to take your life. There's a bad moon on the rise._

* * *

**A/N: **I cannot believe it's been three books so far. It seems like just yesterday I started LTWYL. I'm almost in tears that I have finished yet another story. Thank you so very much to everyone who has followed this story and who have been around since LTWYL. Much thanks for all the reviews and support. You have no idea how much I love all of you for that.

"Never think it's over. It's only just begun."

Did you really think this was the last?

Be on the lookout for part four of this series! I put a trailer up. Check my profile for updates!

Sneak peak of _The Devil Makes Three_:

**"We** can't fight them. We can't beat them. We can never win." He has his face in his hands. He hasn't looked up in ten minutes. I sit across from him, tears streaming down my face. "Say something!"

"Why did you come here?" He lifts his head up. "I warned you. I told you not to come here!"

There's a deep sent of blood around us. The baby's crying in the bed room and there's a ringing that won't go away.

Everyone talks about the end of the world. There's an endless debate of ice verses fire.

Well Satan has risen, and he's not going to be killed by an angel in white.

"We're gonna die here," he says softly. There's nothing to his voice. It's just dull. "You know that don't you?"

This is where our story ends: An old apartment building with molded green wallpaper and a pink tube. A place filled with the stench of blood and filth. A child in the bedroom that'll die with us...because of us. People sitting around us who are animals being hunted. A boy and a girl who are just kids who thought they could defeat the devil with just a little pixie dust.

Dally always knew he'd die in New York. And he always knew it'd be Maggot holding the knife.


End file.
